Aug 20 2009Octomom: 'I have a better figure than Kate Gosselin'
Nadya Suleman's two-hour documentary Octomom: The Incredible Unseen Footage aired on FOX last night and showed the day-to-day life our of nation's very own psychotic incubator. While the show was rife with reasons why Nadya shouldn't be allowed to parent anything more aware than a potato, she also took time to fire off criticisms of TV mom Kate Gosselin, according to Celebuzz:
Clucking at the pictures of Gosselin parading around in a bikini on the beach from earlier this year, Suleman opined, "It's so staged. She's doing it to get people to take pictures of her... I feel like it's cheating [to get a tummy-tuck]. It's her choice. If she has enough money to fix herself, let her."
Then Suleman tossed out another dis, declaring, "I have a better shape, though. I'm sorry, no offense to her."
Apparently tired of attacking Gosselin's physique, Suleman then went on to find fault with Gosselin's personality.
"I'm not as attention-seeking [as Gosselin]," Suleman noted.
When she wasn't attacking her porcupine-haired rival, Octomom was seen calling the police about the paparazzi - but not the ones she secretly invited into her house to photograph the children. She also told a disturbing story about making her own mother ride in the trunk of her car because she was sprayed by a skunk. I'm not even joking. The NJ Star Ledger reports:
The most chilling scene, for me, was when Nadya recounted the story that when was 17, her mother got sprayed by a skunk. Nadya told her the only way she'd ride home in the car with her was if she (her mother) went in the trunk of the car.
Nadya then recounted how she shut the trunk door (although her mother tried to keep it open a crack) then drove crazy so she could make her mother's ride as uncomfortable as possible. "It was really funny," she said, "I kept hearing her body roll from side to side." From the deadness in her expression and in the tone of her voice, you got a terrifying whiff of someone seriously disconnected from human emotion. Until the documentary, I had dismissed claims that she was emotionally disturbed, thinking perhaps she was just a bit eccentric, but seeing her life exposed this way did nothing for her cause.
At this point, I'm almost convinced Nadya Suleman is on Kate Gosselin's payroll because, shit, does Kate walk away from this looking awesome. No, really, I almost want to hunt down Jon Gosselin just to punch him in the nuts and say "Hey. At least you weren't married to Octomom, jerk!" Then I'd steal his magical ATV and bed women with it. It's the only way he'll learn.
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May 31 2009Octomom lands reality show, book deal
Who didn't see this coming? Nadya "Octomom" Suleman has not only landed a book deal but finally found a production company for her reality show, according to People:
Suleman's attorney Jeff Czech calls the series a "quasi-reality" show, explaining that instead of having a dozen cameramen tromping around her house 24 hours a day, film crews will only document select milestones, such as birthdays and other special events.
"Nadya knows she has to do something," says Czech. "But she doesn't want the constant filming because she feels that would be taking advantage of her kids. She's trying to find the middle ground and feels this approach will work best."
Czech also insists that his client doesn't want her series to resemble Jon and Kate Gosselin's show.
"She's been watching them a bit lately and thinks it's boring," says Czech.
Aw snap! Jon and Kate just got Octo-slapped! Okay, now that that's out of the way, here's how you can spot the parts of the show that are "quasi-reality":
1. Any scene where Octomom tries to buy a pair of shoes and doesn't ask the cashier if they accept "baby" as a form of payment.
2. Anytime you see Octomom withdrawal cash from the ATM instead of asking a crewmember to impregnate her.
3. All scenes involving nannies not jumping out the window with a baby under each arm screaming "Muchacha es el diablo!"
4. Montages featuring Octomom raising her children. (The CGI should tip you off.)
5. Kooky tea parties with Gloria Allred.
May 8 2009Octomom's baby train derailed
Great news, everybody, Octomom has tumors on her uterus! Alright! According to Radar Online, she'll be undergoing surgery that will leave her pretty much unable to conceive again. -- We should throw a party:
Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman will check into the hospital this weekend to have benign fibroid tumors removed from her uterus -- a procedure that will make further pregnancies virtually impossible, RadarOnline.com has exclusively learned.
Suleman will leave her eight infants and six older children in the care of her nannies, as the procedure and recovery is expected to take up to seven days.
I probably shouldn't get my hopes up because there's always the risk of this happening:
DOCTOR: Well, Octomom, we were about to remove part of your uterus except, goddammit, we found 20,000 babies implanted inside. Now, I know this will be a difficult choi-
OCTOMOM: Whee! There's always room for more! Tee-hee.
DOCTOR: .... Nurse, fetch me my gun.
OCTOMOM: Is it to keep the paparazzi away 'cause I'm just like Angelina?
DOCTOR: Something like that.
Thanks to Kasia who uses her uterus for good, not for Jimmy Choo's.
Apr 15 2009Octomom soon to become Octomom™
Making full use of her uterurs-turned-ATM, Nadya Suleman has filed to trademark the name "Octomom" so she can use it to sell merchandising, according to The Smoking Gun:
In her April 10 USPTO filings, the 33-year-old mother of 14 identifies herself as "Nadya Suleman, AKA Octomom," and notes that she wants to use the "Octomom" handle on products such as dresses, pants, shirts, and disposable and textile diapers. Suleman also wants to secure a trademark to use "Octomom" in connection with TV variety programming. As seen in the below excerpts from Suleman's USPTO applications, she had to sign a letter consenting to "the use of my nickname as a Trademark or Servicemark." The USPTO applications, which cost Suleman a total of $825 and only include a bland logotype, were filed for her by a Whittier, California law firm.
Since I love capitalism and reckless breeding so much, I came up with some catchy slogans for Nadya:
Octomom: Why Work When You Have Frozen Embryos and Access to a Shoddy Practitioner of Medicine?
Octomom: Have You Whored Your Kids Out Today?
Octomom: Why Buy Huggies When You Can Pay Extra to Make My Face Even More Pervasive Than Ever? [Smiling Nadya Suleman here.]
Octomom: Because Fuck What Kim Kardashian Says.
That last one might actually catch on. My bad.
Mar 30 2009Angelina Jolie giving money to Octo-Mom?
Angelina Jolie might be donating money to her creepy doppleganger Octo-Mom Nadya Suleman. Granted, this news comes by way of Star, so take it with a grain of salt - the size of a minivan:
"Angelina is worried about the best interests of the kids," explains a source. "As a mom of six, she knows how chaotic and costly raising a big family can be."
And while the money would no doubt help Nadya pay for everything from clothes to schooling, Angelina, 33, does have some misgivings about the gift, notes the source.
"She doesn't necessarily approve of Nadya, and she doesn't want to turn the situation into even more of a circus."
Of course, a practical solution would be for Angelina to install a private Starbucks in Octo-mom's house, so she'll spend more time with her brood. Then again, that'll just end in Britney Spears crashing through the skylight. Dammit, there's just no easy answer to this thing is there? Which is why it's important for parents to talk to their kids about the uterus: It's not a gatling gun.
The More You Know....
Mar 25 2009Octo-Mom: From the pole and into our hearts
I've pretty much steered clear of the whole Octo-Mom fiasco, but this story involves stripping which, for the sake of journalistic integrity, I'm honor-bound to post about. The National Enquirer reports:
Nadya confessed to a close pal: "I had not even kissed a boy. But I entered a dance/lingerie contest in a club near my home. I danced and paraded in lingerie.
"Then, when I was 19, I went to a gentleman's club and performed as a topless dancer. But I only did it one night. I quit when I found out I was expected to perform lap dances on the customers."
Wow. Who's stupid enough not to realize stripping involves lap dances? Oh, right, Octo-mom. Good thing those genes are being passed on - times eight 14. That said, I can only imagine how this story ended:
OCTO-MOM: Gee, stripping is hard. If only there's an easier way to make money...
OCTO-UTERUS: Get me OUTTA HERE! I'll talk! I'll talk!
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