Oct 7 2009Michael Vick's reality show is actually happening
In case anyone needed further proof that reality TV is the seventh cockring of Satan, Michael Vick is getting his own reality show on BET. But don't worry, it'll be totally serious considering it's essentially a giant PR move so he can get back on some Wheaties boxes. The LA Times reports:
"I just want people to really get to know me as an individual," Vick said last week in an interview from his home in Philadelphia. "What I want to do is change the perception of me. I am a human being. I've made some mistakes in the past, and I wish it had never happened. But it's not about how you fall, but about how you pick yourself up."
Producers of the Vick series emphasized the program should be considered a docu-series -- not a typical reality show like VH-1's "The T.O. Show," which revels in the excesses of its flamboyant star, wide receiver Terrell Owens. The tone of Vick's show, say producers, will be serious and somber as it focuses on his personal struggles since his release, including the strains on his relationships with his fiancée, Kijafa Frink, and his children. It will also revisit the federal prison in Leavenworth, Kan., where Vick spent 1 1/2 years behind bars and the Virginia property where he ran and financed a dogfighting ring.
Michael Vick says it'll be a "blueprint for kids" in dealing with adversity. Because I can't remember how many times in my childhood I was peer pressured into gambling thousands of my NFL dollars on dogfights. No, really, it seemed like every time I tried to do my homework on the bus someone's whipping a pitbull out of their backpack and I end up getting yelled at for losing my Super Bowl ring. Again.
NOTE: Scope out The Onion on Michael Vick. It reads like fucking Shakespeare.
Aug 17 2009Tyra Banks joins a flash mob and other news
- Jesus Luz earns his paycheck at Madonna's 51st birthday dinner. [Splash News]
- Jessica Simpson is NOT replacing Paula Abdul. Is it because she can't read? That's discrimination! [PopEater]
- Gwyneth Paltrow used to be in on the jokes. Now she's the ass end. [Lainey Gossip]
- Tom Cruise's white sneakers: A revealing look. [Celebslam]
- Michael Vick is now blogging his apology. Jesus Christ. The man has to play for the shitass Eagles now. Hasn't he suffered enough? (Note: I'm being facetious. About the suffering enough part.) [Just Jared]
- Gwen Stefani is a recent mother of two yet I don't suspect her of hiding fried chicken in her purse. Just throwing that out there. [PopSugar]
- Mark Wahlberg's lungs are made of vaginas. [The Blemish]
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Apr 15 2009Paris Hilton bored with Doug Reinhardt
- Paris Hilton is getting bored with Doug Reinhardt and has started calling Stavros Niarchos behind his back. Time to "go O.J.," Doug. It's what Hulk Hogan would do. [Celebslam]
- Lindsay Lohan pelted the paparazzi with Easter eggs last night after coming home from the bar. But she doesn't drink, everybody. She just randomly whips food at people to make the voices stop. It's all good. [Pink is the New Blog]
- Zac Efron and The Jonas Brothers in one location. Somewhere, Tom Cruise is frantically looking for his booster seat so he can reach his laptop. [Lainey Gossip]
- Hugh Jackman: Dream Gynecologist. Okay, maybe he's just a mad scientist. I can't do all your fantasizing for you, ladies. Or can I....? [Just Jared]
- Michael Vick might be getting a own reality show "documenting his return into society" after serving time for dog-fighting. If he eats a full can of Alpo in the first episode, maybe I'll TiVo it. [Radar Online]
- Jennifer Aniston told they're not using "high-tech devices" to make her look 48 in The Baster. There were no survivors. [I'm Not Obsessed]
Dec 10 2007Michael Vick sentenced to 23 months in prison
Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick was sentenced today to 23 months in prison, according to TMZ. He pleaded guilty in August to participating in a dogfighting ring where several dogs were drowned or hung if they didn’t perform well in the fights or were injured. Well, it looks justice has been served because Michael Vick is the one in the doghouse now! Zing! Did you see that? I make it look so easy, but I’ve seen men lose a limb trying to dish out that level of wordplay.
Continue Reading "Michael Vick sentenced to 23 months in prison"
Aug 27 2007UPDATE - Michael Vick publicly apologizes, finds Jesus
NFL player Michael Vick made a statement today regarding his part in an illegal dogfighting ring, apologizing to everyone and saying that he's found Jesus. TMZ reports:
Vick wasn't specific about the acts he was sorry for, but declared, “Dogfighting is a terrible thing. I reject it.” Between apologies to everyone from NFL commissioner Roger Goodell to Atlanta Falcons owner Arthur Blank - to all the kids who used to look up to him, Vick declared that he's found Jesus and has turned his life over to God. “I was ashamed and totally disappointed in myself, to say the least. I want to apologize to all the young kids out there for my immature acts. What I did was very immature, so that means I need to grow up. I totally ask for forgiveness and understanding as I move forward to be a better Michael Vick the person, not the football player.”
Clearly Michael Vick’s publicist is unaware that the whole “I found Jesus” angle might not be the best route these days. Especially considering every celebrity that finds him also happens to be a complete asshole who got drunk and then accidentally killed a guy. Besides, considering what he's done you'd think Vick wouldn't want God to exist. Otherwise he'll probably end up having an unpleasant encounter with a pit bull named Snuggles by week’s end. Did I mention Snuggles is a bit of a Viagra fiend?
UPDATE: Apparently the Atlanta Falcons didn't have the balls to cut Vick so they're keeping him on the team. They announced in a statement: "We cannot tell you today that Michael is cut from the team. It may feel better emotionally, but it's not in the long term best interest of our franchise."
Aug 24 2007Michael Vick pleads guilty
Michael Vick has agreed to plead guilty to a felony charge for his role in managing an illegal dogfighting ring, and will formally enter his guilty plea Monday. The Smoking Gun reports:
As part of a plea deal, the Atlanta Falcons quarterback admitted that his Bad Newz Kennels operation wagered money--which he provided--in pit bull fights. However, "Vick did not gamble by placing side bets on any of the fights," according to a "summary of the facts" that was filed today in court. That document, a copy of which you'll find below, also notes that Vick "was aware" that three of his cohorts killed several dogs that performed poorly in test fighting sessions in mid-2002. The summary reports that "Vick did not kill any dogs at this time." Earlier this year, Vick, and two cronies "agreed to the killing of approximately 6-8 dogs" that fared poorly in testing sessions at his Smithfield, Virginia property. Some of the animals were drowned or hanged, and Vick "stipulated" that the animals died via the "collected efforts" of himself, and codefendants Quanis Phillips and Purnell Peace. Both Phillips and Peace previously pleaded guilty to federal charges and stated that Vick participated in the execution of eight dogs last April. Vick faces a maximum of five years in prison for his conspiracy conviction.
To be fair, sometimes dogs can be really scary and the only thing to do is to kill them cruelly. One time I was walking down the street and a dog barked at me and I got really scared and I wished somebody as brave as Michael Vick was around to drown him. He's a hero to stand up to those mean dogs!
Aug 20 2007Michael Vick heading to jail
Atlanta Falcons quarterback and super asshole Michael Vick accepted a plea deal and prison sentence today after pleading guilty to illegal dogfighting. The offense is punishable by up to five years in prison and a $250,000 fine. Michael Vick's attorney announced in a statement today:
"After consulting with his family over the weekend, Michael Vick asked that I announce today that he has reached an agreement with federal prosecutors regarding the charges pending against him. Mr. Vick has agreed to enter a plea of guilty to those charges and to accept full responsibility for his actions and the mistakes he has made. Michael wishes to apologize again to everyone who has been hurt by this matter."
Three of Vick's original co-defendants have already pleaded guilty and agreed to testify against him if the case goes to trial, saying Vick also participated in executing at least eight under-performing dogs by various means, including drowning and hanging. Wow, this guy drowned and hung defenseless dogs. What a real big man. This must be the kind of person comic book superheroes are based off of.
Aug 15 2007Michael Vick gets sued by a crazy person
NFL quarterback Michael Vick is facing federal charges for allegedly participating in illegal dogfighting, and now he's being hit with a "$63,000,000,000 billion dollar" lawsuit filed by South Carolina inmate Jonathan Lee Riches, who says Michael stole his pit bulls and sold them on eBay to buy "missiles from Iran." Fox News reports:
The complaint also alleges that Vick would need those missiles because he pledged allegiance to Al Qaeda in February of this year.“Michael Vick has to stop physically hurting my feelings and dashing my hopes,” Riches writes in the complaint.
Riches wants $63 billion dollars “backed by gold and silver “ delivered to the front gates to the Williamsburg Federal Correctional facility in South Carolina. Riches is an inmate at the facility serving out a wire fraud conviction.
Oh yeah, did I mention the lawsuit was written by hand? Because it's written by hand. And I'm not a lawyer, but this Jonathan Lee Riches sounds like he's got a rock solid case. Michael Vick better start saving, because "$63 billion dollars backed by gold and silver “ is kind of a lot of money. I don't want to brag, but I'm pretty good with numbers.
