Oct 28 2009Michael Jackson hates breasts, Katy Perry
Katy Perry's breasts saluted Michael Jackson last night at the red carpet premiere of This Is It which I'd considered inappropriate in this context if she hadn't brought along a sparkly young boy. Nice save.
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Sep 25 2009Michael Jackson: 'I've seen children just shower all over me'
"The Michael Jackson Tapes" were aired on Dateline this week and contained insane ramblings from the King of Pop. Of course, none of them were scarier than the fact he believed he had "a gift from God" to heal - wait for it - little kids. Aw, who saw that coming? Page Six reports:
"I've seen children just shower all over me with love," Jackson said. "They want to just touch me and hug me and completely just hold on and cry and not let go . . . and mothers pick their babies and put them into my arms -- 'Touch my baby, and hold them, touch my baby, touch my baby.' "
But he was acquitted of all the charges, folks, so clearly, this man couldn't have a deviant obsession with children. I mean, who doesn't shower with babies? They're better than a loofah.
Sep 21 2009Gwen Stefani's bra and other news
- Kelly Clarkson loves her giant ass. [PopEater]
- Lindsay Lohan keeps mixing coke with Twitter. [Lainey Gossip]
- Leelee Sobieski is pregnant and exactly two people care about this. One of whom will be maneuvering through a birth canal. [Just Jared]
- Sarah Jessica Parker and the twins she didn't have to birth ease her biological son into the fine art of purchasing children. [PopSugar]
- Drew Carey just wants to be remembered, dammit. He was on Cheers, right? [Celebslam]
- Viggo Mortenson sounds like a badass dad or a hippie if you enjoy bombing shit for Jebus. [Wonderwall]
- Kevin Federline couldn't care less if you make fun of his weight. Unless of course your words close down KFC, then the shit is ON! [The Blemish]
- Michael Jackson appears in a new clip from This is It and, surprise, he looks exactly like the Joker from Batman. I know, what are the odds? [Celebitchy]
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Sep 3 2009Olivia Wilde hawks perfume and other news
- Michael Jackson's funeral was today. I wonder what it was like when they found out his gravestone dispenses candy. Hmm... [PopEater]
- Salma Hayek flipped out last night at a restaurant when all the outdoor seating was taken even though she didn't have a reservation. Did any of this cause her breasts to shrink? No? Carry on. [Lainey Gossip]
- Kate Beckinsale is hot. I don't say that enough. [PopSugar]
- Janice Dickinson found a man willing to kiss her old, collagen lips without cash changing hands. [Celebslam]
- Ashlee Simpson talks about raising Pete Wentz's spawn on The Today Show. [Just Jared]
- Tori Spelling denies reports that Dean McDermott is only married to her for the money. Clearly it's for the sex. Because who doesn't enjoy banging a sickly, middle-aged woman with implants? And she even had kids. Score! [Socialite Life]
- Kelly Osbourne wants kids to stay off tattoos. Hey, doesn't she know educating kids is for commies? Oh, wait, that only counts if you're a black president. My bad. [ICYDK]
- Kim Cattrall is still a cougar. [Splash News]
- Cate Blanchett goes back to work after getting brained on stage by a co-star and pretty much makes Jeremy Piven look like a giant vagina. [Parade]
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Aug 31 2009Macaulay Culkin is Blanket's father?
Macaulay Culkin's penis may have provided the sperm that led to Prince Michael Jackson II being birthed by a surrogate and immediately collected by Michael Jackson's lawyers. The Sun reports:
Now sources close to Jackson say the Thriller star asked Culkin for the donation to help him complete his "perfect" family.
The source added: "This isn't just chitter-chatter, even Culkin suspects he's Blanket's father. So many names have been mentioned as prospective dads, and this is probably the wackiest yet. But Jackson and Culkin were best friends. He was one of the few people Jackson really trusted and Mack never let him down. Really, Jackson idolised him - that's why he asked Mack to donate sperm. Deep down, I think he always wished Mack was his son. Creating Blanket was the next best thing."
Culkin - godfather to Jacko's other two children - has told pals he will not comment in public out of loyalty to his late pal.
I'm almost afraid to ask, but when was the sperm donated? Because I'm having a hard time believing it was collected within a year of Blanket's birth in 2002. Like Michael Jackson would want the sperm of a legal, fully grown Macaulay Culkin. Ha! Good one, Sun. You crazy jokers.
Aug 25 2009La Toya Jackson goes on 'I was right!' tour
With Michael Jackson's death ruled a homicide, La Toya Jackson is slated to make the press rounds and inform America she told us so. ABC News reports:
La Toya Jackson, who signed Michael Jackson's death certificate, will discuss her close relationship with her brother and reveal why she believes he was murdered. The interview is scheduled to air on "20/20" on Friday, Sept. 11 at 10 p.m. ET.
La Toya Jackson gave an exclusive statement to ABC News regarding the latest in her brother Michael's death investigation.
"I am thankful to the investigators for uncovering the truth to the world," she said in the statement, "and I look forward to the day that justice will be served to all the parties involved in my brother's homicide."
Of course, La Toya claimed Michael was murdered so his handlers could get at his money, when it's starting to look like his death was the result of facilitated access to anesthetics particularly on the part of Dr. Conrad Murray who had a large monetary stake in keeping Michael alive. If he purposefully killed him, it'd be the equivalent of Wal-Mart picking off fat people in the parking lot. Now who's going to buy all this industrial-sized butter?
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Aug 24 2009Michael Jackson was homicided and other news
- Michael Jackson's death has been ruled a homicide. Who saw that coming? Besides Dr. Conrad Murray and anyone with TV or Internet access. [PopEater]
- Anna Paquin on a trapeze. Because apparently winning an Oscar at 12 curses you to have a lifelong obsession with amusement parks. I have no fucking clue. [Lainey Gossip]
- Taylor Swift has freakishly long arms. Hmm... I wonder if she could reach the fridge from my bedroom. In case she wants a drink! I was not at all suggesting sandwich making. Unless her arms are near the bread drawer. Just sayin'. [Celebslam]
- Jennifer Aniston won't date "a normal guy." Which is why I'd like to point out I still play with action figures. That doing anything for you? Not counting reaching for the pepper spray. [Wonderwall]
- Chace Crawford as a greaser. Think Shia LaBeouf in Indiana Jones 4, but you don't want to cry in a corner afterward. [Socialite Life]
- Eddie Cibrian's wife is more than happy to hand him over to LeAnn Rimes. [Just Jared]
- Ashlee Simpson continues looking good with the ladies of Melrose Place. [PopSugar]
- Paris Hilton visited a children's hospital in Guatemala because nothing cures sick kids like more infections, but not really. You killed them all, Wonkface. [Splash News]
Aug 20 2009Jay-Z runs some sort of town and other news
- Gwyneth Paltrow GOOPs all over the Internet. [Lainey Gossip]
- Sting's daughter completely murders his image. [PopEater]
- Paris Hilton ducks $8 million lawsuit. Still has the clap. [PopSugar]
- Joan Rivers won't be alone in a kitchen with Mel Gibson. Her words. [Splash News]
- Sarah Jessica Parker gives Madonna a run for her money for the title of "Hands that I'd Rather Saw My Penis Off Before I Let Them Touch Me." [Celebslam]
- Michael Jackson's brothers might get their own reality show. Of course. [Socialite Life]
- Renee Zellweger's face hurts me. [Just Jared]
- Lady GaGa wears vampire teeth now. I guess this was the next logical step. Followed by a propeller beanie. [I'm Not Obsessed]
