Jun 22 2009Matthew McConaughey thinks procreation is a sport now
Matthew McConaughey has knocked up his girlfriend Camila Alves again. He revealed the news in a Father's Day message on his website:
Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that makes this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother. Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time. Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows, and we thank you for all the well wishes you send our way.
Viva la evolucion, naturally, and in the mean times and all time, just keep livin, Matthew and Camila.
It's comforting to know that in the future we'll have plenty of strapping McConaughey children to aid the Pitt-Jolie clan in battle against the evil horde of Paris, Britney and Octomom spawn. Now I only half feel like shooting myself.
Continue Reading "Matthew McConaughey thinks procreation is a sport now"
May 18 2009Elizabeth Banks: Crazed diva?
- Elizabeth Banks is the new Sharon Stone? So, when do we get to see her vagina? Seriously, give me a date. I'll make time. [Lainey Gossip]
- Britney Spears will perform on the season finale of American Idol - because God hates you. True story. [Allie is Wired]
- Evangeline Lilly needs to make love to me. It's what Sawyer would want. Or Jack, I'm not picky either. [Jezebel]
- Penelope Cruz is currently battling food poisoning at Cannes. In case you were wondering about a marginally famous star's digestive system, gotcha covered. [ICYDK]
- LeAnn Rimes photographed with her alleged other man Eddie Cibrian yesterday during halftime at a Lakers game. Are all country singers retarded? If so, why won't they let Jessica Simpson in their club? [Just Jared]
- Chris Pine is the new Matthew McConaughey. Who doesn't enjoy a shirtless Captain Kirk? Besides Sulu. [PopSugar]
Apr 27 2009Katie Holmes smiling? What the...
- Katie Holmes allowed in public without Tom?! Somewhere he just uppercut a cockroach. After getting a stool and jumping really high that is. [Just Jared]
- Kathleen Turner or Britney Spears in 15 years? Not even they know. [Celebslam]
- Guy Ritchie is a big fan of the Jesus/Madonna relationship. Better his penis than Guy's. Am I right? High five! [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Meg Ryan is aging well? Maybe? Don't quote me on that. [Lainey Gossip]
- Matthew McConaughey will challenge any dad to a diaper changing race. Right here, right now. I suddenly feel very sorry for Levi's first little league game. "Mom, why is dad's shirt off? And he keeps whipping beers at me to run faster." [Pink is the New Blog]
- Octomom gets a tattoo to honor her Octo-babies. Hmm... who else do I know with lots of kids and tattoos? Don't tell me. I know this one. [Radar Online]
Feb 2 2009Matthew McConaughey gets his yoga on
Here's Matthew McConaughey practicing some yoga on the beach this weekend. I understand women enjoy a man in prime physical condition such as this which is why, today, I'm officially going to start looking less gorgeous. Guys, the bar has been lowered. Sorry, it took so long, but I'm part cyborg and have no sense of empathy.
NOTE: That last sentence wasn't intended to be as seductive as it came off. Or was it?
Aug 27 2008Matthew McConaughey's mom is goddamn insane
I'm starting to understand Matthew McConaughey a whole lot more after finding about his mom Kay McConaughey's book. Entilted "I Amaze Myself" the memoir contains anecdotes about Matthew's conception and his father dying during sex. I wish I was making this up. Us Weekly reports:
“On Monday mornings, he and I often said goodbye by making love,” Kay says exclusively in the latest issue of Us Weekly. “But one day, all of a sudden, it just happened. I knew that something was wrong, because I didn’t hear anything from him. Just nothing," she says. "But it was just the best way to go!”
And when her man couldn’t be revived, she made sure he was taken from the house in the buff.
“I was just so proud to show off my big old Jim McConaughey — and his gift,” she says.
Awesome. So, Matthew McConaughey's dad's final moments were spent having Viagra-induced old people sex followed by EMTs staring at his naked cock. Oh yeah, sign me up for that. Here I was going to die young in a bank vault full of strippers and go-karts. Clearly, I have no idea how to live. I forgot the part where people look at my old dead nuts. So stupid....
Jul 23 2008Matthew McConaughey shouldn't be allowed in a delivery room
Matthew McConaughey's longtime girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their son Levi Alves McConaughey on July 7, and two weeks later, they popped him on the cover of OK! Magazine for a cool $3 mil. Thankfully, unlike the Jessica Alba and Jamie Lynn bullshit fests, this one is full of Matthew McConaughey ridiculousness. Turns out the dude's idea of Lamaze is throwing a rave between a woman's legs while she's giving birth. You can't make this stuff up. Scope out the highlights:
On coaching Camila:
"We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."
On finding out it was a boy:
"I said, 'Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we'd been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila]."
On how long he's wanted to be a dad:
"I have it all chronicled. Becoming a dad is something I've dreamed of doing since I was 10. Becoming a father felt very, very natural. We were jamming!"
I will admit their baby is probably the cutest one I've had to look at during Celeb Uterus Summer Slam '08. Of course, I'm only saying that because Levi will grow up to be Earth's warrior king after he defeats the invading Martian army with a battle axe. Or he'll get really baked and live in a van on the beach with a pet ostrich. It's a toss up.
Jul 9 2008Matthew McConaughey reads The Bible?
Matthew McConaughey astounds me yet again by typing people words and claiming to have knowledge of The Bible. Here's his latest blog entry explaining how he chose Levi Alves McConaughey for his newborn son's name. I'm going to assume somebody ate a handful of mescaline then watched 6-8 hours of TBN:
"Levi" was another name for the apostle "Matthew" in the bible.... they were, in fact, two names for the same person... our son was born at 6:22 pm, and this particular "time" represents my favorite verse in the book of Matthew in the bible: "if thy eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light."
So, is Matthew "McConaughey" trying to tell us his kid "only" has one eye? Because I didn't "understand" a fucking thing that guy just said. I do know that Levi's going to be the only preschooler to talk non-stop on the spiritual lessons of Cookie Monster: "Man, I'm telling you, man. That sumbitch knows shit. It's like he's in my noggin', man, diggin' around. Telling me, yeah, I love cookies, but do I even know why there's a C in 'cookie,' man? KER-PSHH! Fries your freakin' Play-Doh, doesn't it?" Levi will later drop out of kindergarten after he realizes he's Jesus and just really likes nachos.
Jul 8 2008Matthew McConaughey & Camila Alves have a baby boy
Matthew McConaughey became the father of a baby boy last night after his girlfriend model Camila Alves gave birth. At the time of this post, no name was given yet for Tarzan Jr. who weighed in at 7 lb., 4 oz. but a statement was given to OK! Magazine by Matthew himself:
"A healthy baby boy was born," Matthew tells OK! in an exclusive statement. "Camila and I were side by side the entire time. We are both tired and elated, and are so happy to have created the greatest miracle in the world — Having a child and making a family. Now comes the greatest adventure — raising one, together."
He then added: "Also I totally downed a bunch of shrooms earlier, so this whole thing has tripped my shit. There was a baby coming out of a solar system that made me think I should buy a moped. But that's neither here nor there, broseph, because me and this tiny bald dude are going surfing then downing brewskis! HYEAAAAAAAH! GET SOME!" That child will dominate the world - at beer pong.
Congrats to Camila, Matt, and Future Naked Bongo Player.
Continue Reading "Matthew McConaughey & Camila Alves have a baby boy"
