Jul 22 2009Kiefer Sutherland bends the law to his will
Kiefer Sutherland will not face charges for drunkenly headbutting fashion designer Jack McCullough, according to the AP:
The Manhattan district attorney's spokeswoman said Tuesday that misdemeanor assault charges against the actor are being dropped because the alleged victim wouldn't cooperate with prosecutors.
Jesus. Leave it to Kiefer Sutherland to prove that drowning yourself in whiskey really does make you above the law. Which, coincidentally, means the leprechaun who tells me to drink every morning was right. I'm sorry I doubted you, Mr. TinyShoes. Here's an M&M. What's that? The ones at the bar are more delicious? -- Get your coat.
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Jul 8 2009James Franco knows how to give a speech
- George Clooney and Bill Murray party together? If there was ever a time to be a stripper, it's now, ladies. Ha, just kidding. It's always time to be a stripper. Now who wants dollar bills? [Lainey Gossip]
- Elizabeth Taylor might have aided Michael Jackson's prescription drug addictions. Probably by showing him her vagina and giving him chronic night terrors. So that's how he turned white... [PopEater]
- Kevin Federline has gained 85 pounds since his divorce from Britney Spears and even she's making fun of his weight which is almost hilarious if it weren't immediate grounds for suicide. No, seriously, Kevin, I don't care if you have to cover the gun in chocolate. It's time. [Celebslam]
- Kiefer Sutherland once encouraged a friend to keep acting. By punching him in the face. I don't care how much it costs, we need to get this man a tank, a missile silo full of Old Granddad and let him solve all the world's problem. Preferably before he drives drunk off a bridge, so time's a factor. [The Blemish]
- Cameron Diaz might be in that Green Hornet movie with Seth Rogen. Finally, a leading lady I can believe he has a chance with. With only half a bottle of roofies. [Just Jared]
- Mariah Carey apologizes for her performance at Michael Jackson's memorial. Too late now, Mariah. The man will only die once. -- Or will he? [ICYDK]
- Lindsay Lohan is going to be a celebrity judge on Project Runway? Okay, sure. Because when I think of fashion, I think of an anorexic coke addict who constantly wears black leggings. You can't teach that kind of style. Without becoming an alcoholic at 15. True story. [PopSugar]
May 24 2009Kiefer Sutherland's headbutting forgiven
Kiefer Sutherland will not be facing assault charges for drunkenly headbutting fashion designer Jack McCollough. The two have kissed and made up, according to People:
Sutherland apologized to fashion designer Jack McCollough, who had claimed the 24 star broke his nose in a scuffle at a New York nightclub May 5.
"I am sorry about what happened that night and sincerely regret that Mr. McCollough was injured," Sutherland said in a joint statement released to the Associated Press.
McCollough said in the statement: "I appreciate Mr. Sutherland's statement and wish him well," according to AP.
Wait a minute, why is Jack McCollough trying to avoid a trial? Unless he knows where the bomb is! Somebody load Kiefer full of bourbon and get him back out there, dammit! What's that? -- He's already drunk and humping a Christmas tree? Well then, who are we to question the man's methods? I feel safer already.
May 11 2009Kiefer Sutherland's lawyer: 'No wrongdoing'
Kiefer Sutherland's attorney has issued a statement asserting Kiefer's innocence in the alleged headbutting of fashion designer Jack McCollough last week. People reports
"We are troubled by the untruthful and self-serving information circulating regarding Kiefer Sutherland and events of last Monday evening," lawyer Michael C. Miller said. "We are confident, however, that the investigation being conducted by the Manhattan District Attorney's Office and the NYPD will confirm that Kiefer Sutherland was neither the instigator nor a wrongdoer in this incident."
In a bizarre twist, and almost simultaneously with Kiefer's statement, Brooke Shields is now backing his story and basically claiming her reps didn't know what the hell they were talking about:
In a statement released Monday on behalf of Shields, her attorney Gerald Lefcourt, said, "A number of statements have been attributed to Ms. Shields in the media that are neither true nor authorized. These statements were obviously made by those who were not in attendance at the party and constitute their version of events."
As for what happened at the party, the statement says, "While at the party she was bumped into by Jack McCollough and Kiefer Sutherland became concerned. Kiefer has always been a gentleman in her company. Both Jack and Kiefer are friends of Ms. Shields and she regrets this unfortunate situation."
Obviously what's happening here is a massive government conspiracy. Ten bucks says there was a bomb in Jack McCollough's nose, and only Kiefer Sutherland's head full of scotch could stop it. Which is exactly why I drive drunk everywhere; I love America.
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May 7 2009Kiefer Sutherland charged with minor assault
Kiefer Sutherland is expected to surrender to prosecutors today where he'll be issued a desk appearance ticket for third degree assault. The charge is only a misdemeanor which means he won't be jailed and is free to drink all the way up to the arraignment where, God willing, he'll hump a bailiff. NY Daily News reports:
"Kiefer is sorry it happened. Absolutely. It's terribly regrettable," the friend said.
Still, the friend insisted Sutherland lashed out inside SubMercer because McCollough, a designer for Proenza Schouler, bumped into actress Brooke Shields and didn't apologize.
"Kiefer was provoked," the friend said.
Despite reports that Sutherland had skipped town, The News found him at his girlfriend's Greenwich Village apartment. Sutherland would not comment on the incident. "No, no," he said, before slamming the door shut.
Realizing he probably should've offered some form of comment, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted the NY Daily News building into the Hudson later that evening. This brought unspeakable joy to Post owner Rupert Murdoch who was then also headbutted because, fun fact, Jack Bauer is a Canadian socialist in real life.
I love exploding heads in the morning.
May 6 2009Kiefer Sutherland victim: 'Attack was unprovoked'
It's starting to look more and more like Kiefer Sutherland was simply in a headbutting mood Monday night thanks to his unbridled passion for Jack Daniels. Seen above in New York this morning, alleged victim Jack McCollough is claiming it was an unprovoked attack. People reports:
"Anyone who knows Jack McCollough knows that he would not hurt a fly," a rep for McCollough, of the New York-based fashion empire Proenza Schouler, tells PEOPLE exclusively. "All we can say at this point is that he was the victim of a vicious, violent, unprovoked assault and that the matter is in the hands of the authorities."
Brooke Shields already backed Jack's story earlier today, and eyewitnesses are coming forward with similar stories:
But one guest at the event tells PEOPLE that the altercation came as a surprise to bystanders. "Jack walked into the party and tried to order a drink, and then the next thing he knew, he got headbutted for no identifiable reason," the partygoer tells PEOPLE. "Jack did nothing other than walk into a party. He did not bump into Brooke. It's just puzzling."
Wait wait wait. He walked between Kiefer Sutherland and the bar and is surprised he got headbutted? Jesus. That's like stealing a mother bear's cub and blaming it for eating your face off. How about taking some responsibility, man? Seriously, find me a judge who will convict Kiefer Sutherland for this, and I'll show you a terrorist.
May 6 2009Brooke Shields denies Kiefer Sutherland's story
Brooke Shields is disputing Kiefer Sutherland's story that he headbutted fashion designer Jack McCollough because he knocked her to the ground at the Met Gala Monday Night, according to TMZ:
But Brooke's rep says "nothing happened to her," adding "Jack did nothing inappropriate. It's not clear what caused Kiefer to do what he did."
Witnesses say Kiefer went up to Jack and demanded he apologize to Brooke. Jack allegedly pushed Kiefer and Kiefer then headbutted Jack.
Brooke Shields is cooperating with police today, and TMZ confirms Kiefer Sutherland was drunk at the time of the incident. Which, in this case, is the equivalent of confirming oxygen was being inhaled by each party. You don't say?
May 5 2009Kiefer Sutherland headbutts fashion designer
While attending a Met Gala after-party Monday night, Kiefer Sutherland headbutted a fashion designer in an alleged effort to defend Brooke Shield's honor. -- And also because whiskey's delicious. TMZ reports:
We're told witnesses say the alleged victim -- Proenza Schouler designer Jack McCollough -- allegedly knocked Brooke Shields over and Kiefer saw it happen. The witnesses say Kiefer went over to the man and told him to apologize to her. At that point they say McCollough pushed Kiefer and the actor responded with a headbutt.
Complicating it for Kiefer -- he's on probation in L.A. for a DUI, and one of the terms is that he obey all laws. No word on whether L.A. prosecutors will pursue the matter.
I love how Kiefer Sutherland plays the smart, resourceful Jack Bauer on TV, but in real life, I wouldn't trust him to guard the last donut at work. Unless I wanted all the sprinkles headbutted off, then maybe.
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