Dec 19 2008Christina Aguilera has a birthday party
Christina Aguilera went with A Clockwork Orange theme for 28th birthday at Osterria Mozza last night, and remind me to thank her for letting Jordan Bratman play dress-up, too. I was just thinking to myself the other day "It's been way too long since my retinas burned with an intense white-hot hellfire."
On that note, Katie Holmes' birthday was also yesterday, but she didn't have cool guests like Paris Hilton with douchebag date and Nicole Richie. Instead, Tom Cruise brought a cake onstage during the curtain call of her Broadway show. If that's not boring enough for you, she also turned 30 and might as well be a man at this point. Which is probably the best marriage advice anyone's ever given her. So, hey, Happy Birthday!
Dec 5 2008Christina Aguilera to grant Jordan Bratman second chance at intercourse
Seen here at the Grammy nominations concert, Christina Aguilera reveals in the latest issue of OK! Magazine that she's ready to have a second baby. Apparently, Max Liron is "amazing" which everyone knows is Mommy code for "God, this kid is boring. Let's try again and hope it's a tail-baby!":
Any plans for a sibling for Max?
I hope so. We definitely want to have another child. Having Max has been an amazing experience. He surprises me every day. In a year, he has grown so much, now he crawls and is starting to walk.
What makes your marriage work?
I have the most wonderful partner in Jordan. We make it a priority to work on our marriage. You have to take it seriously and respect each other and be a team. We always have date nights as well — it helps to keep the marriage alive after you have kids. My husband and I love to play board games together!
CHRISTINA: Alright, here's the game plan: You can either masturbate into a turkey baster while watching Lord of the Rings - or we can play Monopoly.
JORDAN: Will you let me be the race car this time?
CHRISTINA: Nope.
JORDAN: Damn! .... Turkey baster.
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Nov 14 2008Christina Aguilera isn't fooling me
Ever since her new video for "Keeps Gettin' Better" debuted it's become abundantly clear that Christina Aguilera isn't dropping the baby weight anytime soon, and she's apparently finding creative ways to mask that fact. For instance, last night Christina wore the bottom half of a Darth Vader costume then walked around with a mole creature. Clever girl, but you'll have to get up pretty early in the morning to pull one over on me. And would it kill you to make some coffee?
NOTE: Wait a minute. Didn't she used to have breasts?
Oct 17 2008Christina Aguilera takes her breasts out on the town
Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman took the big guns out for dinner at L'Atelier de Joel Robuchon restaurant in London last night. I love how Jordan's wearing his little tux. Goddamn adorable.
JORDAN: PEW PEW PEW! I just shot that guy with my cufflink darts.
CHRISTINA: That's nice, dear.
JORDAN: I can do that because I'm Commander James Bond, and my double "O" status with the British Secret Service allows me to kill at my discretio - why are you rubbing that waiter's face in your breasts?
CHRISTINA: Who made sure you didn't die a virgin?
JORDAN: Fair enough. Oh no, my salad's working for the KGB. PEW PEW PEW!
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Jun 5 2008Christina Aguilera deserves a night out, hearts America
Christina Aguilera (Above urging you to vote or else Max Liron eats Stars N' Stripe. Christ, I'll do it, lady!) defended herself against critics of her nights out to the club. I mean, you try spending 24/7 with Jordan Bratman. Hour after hour of him wearing a wizard hat and playing Oblivion. It would drive Mother Teresa to knock back Jell-O shots. But, of course, Christina paints a different, almost believable picture to Access Hollywood. I KNOW YOUR SECRETS!:
“I spend all day with my son and once in a while if I want to go out and have a mommy-daddy night with my husband, I am more than allowed to do that,” Christina told Access Hollywood. “They never air [footage] of the paparazzi actually pulling up beside my husband and being like, ‘When is she going to leave the house? I have been trying to get a picture of her for weeks.'"
Dude, she's lying. The paparazzi talking to Jordan Bratman? Riiiight. I'm pretty sure the paps don't speak Mole People. I mean, c'mon. Anyone whose mastered the language would be halfway to the Earth's core by now. Why? For the Mole Gold, genius. Jesus, what do they teach you kids in school these days?
Jun 3 2008Christina Aguilera wants more babies (Read: Behemoth breasts here to stay)
Christina Aguilera is ready for Baby #2 and plans to turn her uterus into a Sasquatch distribution center, according to The Sun:
When asked if she wants more babies, Christina replied: “Yes, absolutely. Absolutely! Motherhood comes very naturally to me. I think a whole new confidence comes with being a mother. I feel very confident and very sexy as a mother.”
And it's official: Jordan Bratman's penis shoots not only sperm but diamond-crusted solid gold bars that also function as a Wii. Ha ha! I knew it! Who's the crazy one now, field of medicine?
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May 22 2008Christina Aguilera reveals her bra size (Hint: Size HUGE)
Admittedly, I give Us Weekly a lot of shit, but every once in a while they come across an exclusive that knocks my socks (and pants) off. This time the crack reporters have the inside scoop on Christina Aguilera's bra size. I tried to beat them to the punch, but Xtina's team took evasive action - by sending Jordan Bratman out to talk to me for five hours about why Kyle Raynor is just as cool as Hal Jordan. (Note: He's not. Please kill me.) Anyway, here's the exclusive details on Christina's jug straps:
In the interview, she also finally addresses the famous growth in her chest that came from breastfeeding.
"It's kind of hilarious! I've never fit into an E-cup before," she tells Us. "I look at my husband and go, 'Guess what size this bra is?' And when I tell him, he's just amazed. We keep the tags that prove it, to look back for memory's sake!"
Other things that Jordan Bratman is amazed by:
1. A real live girl actually touched his ding-dong - and he didn't get cooties.
2. Guillermo Del Toro is directing the Hobbit ZOMG!!
3. That magic lamp he found did have a genie it. Sure, the third wish yielded him a bride, but he regrets wasting his first two wishes on a working Batmobile and a pristine copy of Action Comics #1 - which he foolishly had Dean Cain sign in a Starbucks. Smooth move, Ex Lax!
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May 15 2008Christina Aguilera has super-MILF powers unlike those of mere mortal MILFs
After a morning of heated political discussion punctuated with my undying love of Jessica Simpson's breasts, I find it only fitting that I post something we all can agree on: Christina Aguilera and her ability to rule Planet MILF with an iron fist. Here she is getting ready to hit the club last night with her husband Jordan Bratsquatch. I also included shots of X-tina attending the Christian Dior event in NYC over the weekend. Just to emphasize the MILFy-ness that scientists are pretty sure can cure cancer. Or, at the very least, small pox.
NOTE: Does anyone know what egregious sin Christina Aguilera committed to get stuck with Bilbo Baggins as a mate? Did she pee on the Bible or, even worse, not do the laundry? Please, I can't sleep at night until I know.
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