Sep 3 2009Olivia Wilde hawks perfume and other news
- Michael Jackson's funeral was today. I wonder what it was like when they found out his gravestone dispenses candy. Hmm... [PopEater]
- Salma Hayek flipped out last night at a restaurant when all the outdoor seating was taken even though she didn't have a reservation. Did any of this cause her breasts to shrink? No? Carry on. [Lainey Gossip]
- Kate Beckinsale is hot. I don't say that enough. [PopSugar]
- Janice Dickinson found a man willing to kiss her old, collagen lips without cash changing hands. [Celebslam]
- Ashlee Simpson talks about raising Pete Wentz's spawn on The Today Show. [Just Jared]
- Tori Spelling denies reports that Dean McDermott is only married to her for the money. Clearly it's for the sex. Because who doesn't enjoy banging a sickly, middle-aged woman with implants? And she even had kids. Score! [Socialite Life]
- Kelly Osbourne wants kids to stay off tattoos. Hey, doesn't she know educating kids is for commies? Oh, wait, that only counts if you're a black president. My bad. [ICYDK]
- Kim Cattrall is still a cougar. [Splash News]
- Cate Blanchett goes back to work after getting brained on stage by a co-star and pretty much makes Jeremy Piven look like a giant vagina. [Parade]
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Jul 6 2009Kim Kardashian just lowered property values
- Lauren Conrad claims Ryan Gosling hit on her. Does he like them boring? I forget. [Lainey Gossip]
- Jenna Fischer is engaged. That's what she said. (See what I did there?) [PopEater]
- Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel aren't broken up. Just unhappily drifting through life's menial chores together. Whee? [Just Jared]
- Janice Dickinson still attracts men. -- I'm assuming large promises of cash are involved. Followed by roofies when that doesn't work. [Celebslam]
- Josh Duhamel admits he's climbed on the pole before. Wow. That's just too easy. You know, because Fergie has a penis. [The Blemish]
- Heidi Klum's child will not go hungry. Enough said. [PopSugar]
- Angelina Jolie and David Beckham might be making weird Armani ads together. Somewhere Tom Cruise is wondering what Angelina's got they he doesn't have. Besides the ability to not require a booster seat. [I'm Not Obsessed]
May 15 2009Janice Dickinson drunk off her ass
Janice Dickinson got drunk off her ass at Nobu Wednesday night and decided to give the paparazzi a little show. This, of course, would've been awesome if she didn't look like Steven Tyler and Madonna had a love child - then raised it under power lines.
Jan 27 2009Janice Dickinson probably shouldn't draw attention to her face. Ever.
Former supermodel Janice Dickinson made faces for the paparazzi yesterday while getting a touch-up at MAC on Robertson Blvd. I don't know what I'm more shocked by: Janice Dickinson's death-like man-face, or that her make-up isn't applied by a spray gun in an auto body shop. Which reminds me, you know what they should bring back? Veils. Just putting it out there.
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Apr 1 2008Janice Dickinson continues to assault my eyes
JESUS! That ain't right. Janice Dickinson really needs to knock this shit off. Yeah, when you're old you should be able to do whatever the hell you want because, let's face it, death is stealing your pills. (Or in Janice's case, crying in a sandy Port-a-John.) But this is getting out of hand. Sure, she looks somewhat better than yesterday's pics; I'll attribute that to the lower resolution and the presence of shorts. Also these photos look to have been shot from a safe distance - like space. Why would NASA aim satellites at Janice Dickinson? Unless she really did see who shot JFK from her nursing home window. I bet it was Kevin Costner. Looking all shifty-eyed in that movie. I'm onto you!
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Mar 31 2008Janice Dickinson, holy crap, that's gotta stop
Dearest Jan-Jan,
Before we begin, I'd like to commend you on your efforts entertaining our troops during the Second World War. At the ripe young age of 40, you gave our boys something to live for as they fought to stop Hitler from finding Jesus' cup in that tomb with the knight who was like super old. Anyway, those glory days are long gone. When you reach the triple digits, it's time to retire the bikini. How do I put this delicately? Your ass looks like E.T.'s stomach - but more Play-Doh-y. So Play-Doh-y, in fact, that I'm about ready to bust out my Spaghetti Factory. I like to make the stars!
Godspeed,
The Superficial Writer
NOTE: Not sure what this is, but I'm convinced it's our duty as a society to kill it.
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Mar 27 2008Janice Dickinson escapes her tomb, gets manicure
Janice Dickinson risked life and emaciated limb yesterday by venturing out into the daylight (Nosferatu's natural enemy) to get a a manicure at a Bevery Hills nail spa. For those of you wondering what's in Janice's cleavage, it's her cell phone. Where does the sexy end and the woman begin? Am I right? Back me up, fellas.
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Jan 14 2008Janice Dickinson as GODZILLA
Janice Dickinson spent the weekend in Miami relaxing with her boyfriend who I’m guessing is Santa Claus without a beard. I dunno. What I unfortunately do know is that these two have some sort of intercourse. I imagine it’s like a polar bear laying on a bunch of Play-doh and chicken wire. But way, way less erotic. In fact, I'm kind of wondering why I don't have any pants on. And so are my co-workers. Why is Fred in HR pointing at me with a knife in his teeth?
