Jul 17 2009Kendra Wilkinson's inflating breasts and other news
- Jake Gyllenhaal's Prince of Persia official photo looks Middle Eastern. Not counting Jake. [Lainey Gossip]
- Nick Lachey has never stopped loving Jessica Simpson. Which is why he's going to need to bang a bunch of strippers before deciding to get back together. Because of all the love. [Celebslam]
- Jim Cavaziel was in a motorcycle accident caused by a crazed lunatic throwing a bicycle at him. Dammit, Mel! [PopEater]
- Katie Price might star in a remake of Baywatch. Huh. So there is a legitimate use for her. Weird. [Just Jared]
- Lauren Conrad mocks Heidi Montag's Playboy cover. Wait. Did Lauren Conrad just do something interesting? Or did I take the bad acid again? Shiiiiit. [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Zac Efron is learning how to scuba dive. Will he bang a mermaid or a merman? Only time will tell. (Note: Go near Ariel and I'll cut you.) [PopSugar]
BONUS NEWS: The Most Fucked Up Thing I've Read All Day.
Continue Reading "Kendra Wilkinson's inflating breasts and other news"
Jun 22 2009Lady Gaga understands showmanship
- Jessica Simpson's new reality show gets the green light. Because it's been far too long since America was reminded why she's our dumbest, breastiest treasure. [I'm Not Obsessed]
- Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal wear matching outfits. Wow, and I seriously thought Perez Hilton would be the gayest thing I wrote about all day. [Lainey Gossip]
- Paris Hilton does more damage to aquatic life than the Exxon Valdez. [The Blemish]
- Cameron Diaz just now gets one of those Hollywood Star dealies. Guess they wanted to wait for just before the hot ran out. [Just Jared]
- Lindsay Lohan spends her weekend crying outside Samantha Ronson's house. Let's be frank, she's homeless, isn't she? [Celebslam]
- Sienna Miller is back with Balthazar Getty which means he must've remarried already. Damn, that was fast. [PopSugar]
May 4 2009Maggie Gyllenhaal & Peter Sarsgaard get married
Maggie Gyllenhaal and Peter Sarsgaard got married this weekend in Italy, according to People:
"We are happy to confirm that Maggie and Peter were married on Saturday, May 2," the actress's rep said in a statement to PEOPLE.
The celebration took place in a small chapel in Brindisi, according to European news reports. Among the guests were Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon.
Besides the obvious fact they're related, of course Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon were invited: They're the most boring couple alive! Those two make any couple look more interesting by comparison. True story: Jake and Reese were at a funeral once, and if given the option, I would've gone on a double date with the widow and the corpse. Hands down.
Continue Reading "Maggie Gyllenhaal & Peter Sarsgaard get married"
Jan 8 2009Jake Gyllenhaal is apparently a tough guy now
Remember when Jake Gyllenhaal would always play the role of the wistful outcast teenager who mumbled all his lines? Well, somebody just sold that kid some steroids. I'm not about to point any fingers here, but if Reese Witherspoon doesn't fit the M.O. of a drug dealer, then I just gave the cops a really bad tip. And might've told them her chin was a deadly weapon.
I'm going to Google non-extradition countries now.
Continue Reading "Jake Gyllenhaal is apparently a tough guy now"
Oct 3 2008Reese Witherspoon & Jake Gyllenhaal 'drifting apart' (NO! DAMN YOU, FATE!!)
Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal's oatmeal-esque relationship is hitting the rocks. While Jake is tied up filming the adaptation of the Prince of Persia video game, the long distance relationship isn't going well with Reese who should, seriously, try to work things out. I mean, it's not everyday you find a soulmate who shares your ability to bore someone to death during sex. That's a special bond, my friends. Star reports:
"This is his first epic, and his mind is on his work," a pal of Reese's tells Star. "They talk on the phone and e-mail, but he's not 'there.' Reese is wondering if this is how it's going to be between them every time he's out of the country filming."
The relationship hit such a rough patch that Reese, 32, flew to London for a quick rendezvous with Jake, 27, at The Dorchester hotel in mid-September.
"They really needed to reconnect and remember why they were in a relationship in the first place," says another source.
It looks like Jake Gyllenhaal's success is putting a wet blanket on his love life - which was already a wet blanket. So I'm assuming that's bad or something, I dunno. I don't do laundry.
Feb 18 2008Kirsten Dunst still not over Jake Gyllenhaal
Kirsten Dunst's friends are no longer afraid she'll drink their blood and transform them into an army of Nosferatus, so they're confirming to Us Magazine the rumor that Kirsten's break-up with Jake Gyllenhaal led to her current stint in rehab. Jake didn't dig Kirsten's partying and, when he split, she started hitting the bottle like a champ:
"Whenever the cast and crew were out, she was the center of the group – doing shots and encouraging everyone to drink," a source on her upcoming movie How to Lose Friends & Alienate People told Us. "There was no such thing as 'just the one' for her."
So, let me get this straight, Kirsten Dunst gets dumped by Jake Gyllenhaal and becomes a one-woman drinking machine a.k.a. my soulmate. She doesn't need to go to rehab. She needs to go to my house. We can get liquored up and inevitably end up playing my favorite game: "Morning After Pill Pursuit: Hangover Edition." It's sort of like Monopoly - but with more abortion. Dibs on the top hat.
Continue Reading "Kirsten Dunst still not over Jake Gyllenhaal"
Oct 24 2007Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal officially dating
Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal are taking their relationship public after months of rumors. After promoting their new film “Rendition,” Jake and Reese took off to Rome for a romantic getaway. The two were spotted holding hands and “canoodling” with each other. The Daily Mail reports:
Witherspoon, 31, whose divorce from former husband Ryan Phillippe was finalised this month, had previously denied a romance with the Brokeback Mountain star.
The pair first began dating around March this year, although they were careful to avoid being photographed together. However, Reese, who has two children Ava, 8, and Deacon, 3, called the romance off in June, according to reports.
Now it's clear their love affair is most definitely back on.
I don’t want to say this is the least interesting post I’ve ever written, but I’m currently in a coma. I’m dictating my thoughts by blinking in Morse code to a chimp with a typewriter. Dash. Dash. What the hell is canoodling? Dash. Dot. At least Jake’s not dating Kirsten Dunst. Dot. Dot. Dash. She’s a freaking vampire. Dash. Although Reese Witherspoon’s chin could cleave a watermelon. Dot. Dot. Dot. Make this funny. Dash. Dash. Dot. Talk about bananas and I’ll sell you to NASA. Dot. Dot. No, wait, don’t type that. Dot. These people will go all Ellen DeGeneres on me. Dash. Dash. Dash. Are you typing all this? Dot. Dot. Dammit.
Sep 25 2007Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon getting cozy
Jake Gyllenhaal and Reese Witherspoon’s recent behavior is fueling rumors of their alleged romance. The two were spotted getting cozy by the fireplace at a party at Carrie Fisher’s house. Carrie was toasting singer Rufus Wainwright who performed at the Hollywood Bowl over the weekend. E! Online reports:
“Jake and Reese were sitting by the fire all night, talking,” a fellow party guest tells me. “Everyone was talking, laughing and celebrating Rufus, but they were deep, deep in conversation. It was like there was no one else in the world.”
So, this is some really boring news. I’m almost in a coma, it’s that dull. Time to switch things up a bit: How about that Halo 3? I stayed up late playing it last night, and, according to the police officer who drove me home this morning, I may have been a tad bit intoxicated. He told me not to worry. The monkey will pull through and those nuns needed to be taken down a peg or two. That’s all well and good, but here’s my dilemma: It looks like I vomited directly into the Xbox. I pretty much opened up the CD tray and unleashed the fury. Is that covered by the warranty?
NOTE: If you wanted me to keep talking about Jake and Reese, you must be suffering from insomnia. Try taking some Tylenol PM – with whiskey. Just like mom used to make.
