Nov 14 2007John Stamos ordered the fish not the crazy

The FBI was called to investigate a “verbal altercation” that occurred on a flight between John Stamos and an unidentified woman on Monday. John was asleep during the flight when the woman, also a first class passenger, decided to wake him up. E! Online reports:

The woman then persisted in trying to get the actor's attention after he told her he wanted to sleep. Then, when he got up to use the restroom, she informed him she would wait in his seat until he returned.
After Stamos got back to his seat, the woman persisted in trying to chat with him, refusing flight attendants' urging to go back to her own first-class seat and repeatedly tapping Stamos on the hand.

John Stamos opted not to press charges. Wow, what a nice guy. That’s good though. This lady is in enough trouble as it is. Just wait until her husband finds out that she was on a plane and disturbing a man’s slumber. Cleary she doesn’t pay any attention to the rules he wrote in black marker on that sheet over the bed. See what happens when you don’t stay at home and cook a hot, delicious meal while folding laundry? Yeah, the FBI shows up. Thank God we live in such an awesome country. Now you see why I salute the flag every morning. You know, besides being drunk.

Nov 5 2007David Copperfield is trying way, way too hard

David Copperfield is currently under investigation for allegedly raping a woman at his private resort in the Bahamas. David has an elaborate system set-up with his employees to help him meet women. This system is so detailed that David Copperfield provides his workers with an instruction manual for locating “scorpions” which is a code used for women the magician is particularly interested in. TMZ reports:

The document describes how the assistants need to be heads-up for attractive women whom David can meet backstage after the performance. We're told the plan is to keep boyfriends and husband in the arena, adding "from time to time, boyfriends and husbands will give us a hard time and refuse to stay. If that is the case, try your best to get them to stay and refer to the "What to Say" sheet for help."

And it gets creepier.

According to the document, "On occasion David will have you pull in both scorpions even if he is only interested in one of them, just for comfort."

Another part of the document sounds eerily similar to the circumstances surrounding the rape allegations against David Copperfield:

The assistants are told to sell the women before David arrives backstage. They're supposed to say: "Do you know that David has recently bought some islands in the Bahamas? Well they are BEAUTIFUL and we are doing a lot of project (sic) for these islands: Ads, TV, Radio and many other promotions. So we like (sic) to keep in touch with you in case there is a job in the future we think you would be interested in."

Maybe instead of all the cloak and dagger bullshit, David Copperfield should just end his show with a simple offer: “Hey, I’m freaking rich beyond belief and recently purchased my own set of islands in the Bahamas. If you’re a young woman no older than thirty and is into that sort of thing, we should totally do it backstage. Thanks for coming out tonight, folks. Have a wonderful evening.” See, it works on so many levels. It’s simple. It’s honest. And, I dunno, no one has to fly twelve hours home to take a rape kit. Sorry, David Copperfield, but that’s usually not a cool way to end a date. At least not the first one.

Oct 29 2007David Copperfield case goes before grand jury

Several law enforcement officials have confirmed that a Seattle grand jury is investigating the accusations that David Copperfield sexually assaulted an aspiring 21-year-old model. The Seattle Times pretty much confirms earlier reports from The National Enquirer and provides info on how the magician first met his alleged victim while at a show with her family:

They were led to special seats, and Copperfield selected the woman to come on stage as part of his act, the federal sources said.
Sources confirmed that the woman told investigators Copperfield later promised he could help with her modeling career and invited her to his isolated $50 million private retreat at Musha Cay, in a tiny string of white-sand islands 85 miles southeast of Nassau, Bahamas. From Nassau, the retreat is accessible only by charter plane and then private boat.

David Copperfield told the woman there’d be other guests on the island, but when she arrived, it was just her and the magician:

She has told Seattle police, and later the FBI, that Copperfield raped and struck her during her two days on the island, said sources familiar with her allegations. She said that, afterward, Copperfield threatened her, telling her she'd better keep quiet, and then escorted her onto a plane.

Is this the natural progression of things? Get famous. Date Victoria’s Secret model. Become bored. Buy your own set of islands where you act out depraved, power-mad sexual fantasies with young women. What happened to shuffleboard? I thought old people went bananas for that game.So, what, now they're into crazy, James Bond villain shenanigans with private islands? Maybe that’s why my grandpa keeps saving all those coins. Oh, no, wait, it’s the dementia. My bad.

Oct 25 2007David Copperfield allegedly tried to bribe victim

David Copperield allegedly offered two million dollars to the Seattle woman accusing him of rape if she remained silent. Coincidentally, the FBI supposedly seized two million in cash when they raided David’s Las Vegas warehouse last week. The money may have been prepped for a visit the FBI had the victim arrange with the magician. David Copperfield will neither confirm nor deny if the money was there. A friend of the victim provided the National Enquirer with an account of the alleged assault, according to the NY Daily News:

Copperfield invited the 21-year-old beauty to a "lavish party" at his remote compound in the Bahamas. But when she got there, on July 27, she discovered "there was no party - and no other guests," according The Enquirer source.
"She got nervous and wanted to go home right away, but David convinced her to stay, saying she could leave the next day if she really wanted to," the friend claims.
That night, Copperfield forced himself on the woman, holding her arms "down on the bed, leaving her with terrible bruises," the friend charges.
"She told me she fought back," the friend says. "But she said that just seemed to turn him on more."

Afterwards, when David left the room, the woman took pictures of the scene with her cell phone:

"In order to preserve physical evidence, she says she didn't shower. The next day, she went back home to Seattle, where her mother met her at the airport."
"They drove straight to the Harborview Medical Center, where medical personnel performed a 'rape kit' on her.”

Umm, abracadabra?

Oct 24 2007David Copperfield goes through a lot of trouble to meet women

David Copperfield’s Las Vegas warehouse was raided last week by the FBI. A computer hard drive and digital camera equipment were confiscated. While the reasons for the raid weren’t immediately disclosed, it appears a Seattle woman is claiming the magician raped her in the Bahamas. The seized camera equipment may provide a clue, according to TMZ:

Sources now tell TMZ Copperfield designed part of his show around "a system for picking up women." During his show, David goes into the audience and chooses women to come on stage. We're told that if David likes a girl, he'll use code words with assistants like "mama" and "secrecy." The assistants mark the women on a map of the inside of the Hollywood Theater at MGM Grand. After the show, the women are brought backstage -- and that's where the profiling begins.

The women are told that David may use them in his show when he comes to their hometown. They are then photographed with a digital camera, asked questions like, "What is your favorite men's cologne?" and "Where do you like to vacation?" We're told one of those vacation spots mentioned by staff is the Bahamas, where the accuser claims she was assaulted. Copperfield owns a cluster of islands in the Bahamas -- which he bought for $50 million.

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but David Copperfield could learn a thing or two from Criss Angel. Granted, Criss looks like a retarded Mr. T from Long Island, but at least he picks up chicks the honest way. No elaborate interviews and secret codes nonsense. He just finds celebrities that are suffering from drug and/or alcohol addiction, milks them for free press and then bangs them. You don't get much more pure and innocent than that. Bravo, Criss Angel. Go buy yourself another necklace. You earned it.

Oct 19 2007David Copperfield is hiding something from the FBI

David Copperfield is being investigated by the FBI though nobody will explain why. He has a warehouse in Las Vegas called the International Museum & Library of the Conjuring Arts where he keeps tricks and memorabilia, and it was raided by FBI agents Wednesday where they seized a computer hard drive, a digital camera memory chip, and nearly two million dollars in cash.

"We understand there is an investigation, we are in touch with the investigators, and are respecting the confidentiality of the investigation," Copperfield's lawyer David Chesnoff said in a brief statement.

Everything about this is just so mysterious. I think it'd be pretty funny if the director of the FBI saw a magic special and this whole case is to figure out how David Copperfield made the Statue of Liberty disappear. I mean, it was there, and then it wasn't. Where'd it go?! How'd he do it?! I bet there was a mirror involved. I'm pretty clever when it comes to these things.