Sep 9 2009Ellen DeGeneres is your new Paula Abdul
Ellen DeGeneres has signed on to replace Paula Abdul on American Idol, according to People:
"DeGeneres will sit alongside Simon Cowell, Randy Jackson and Kara DioGuardi and offer her own unique perspective to the contestants throughout the competition," Fox television says in a statement.
DeGeneres, 51, begins her stint after the audition rounds, which have featured a rotating group of celebrity guest judges including Shania Twain, Victoria Beckham, Mary J. Blige, Joe Jonas and Kristin Chenoweth.
"I'm going to have a day job and a night job," DeGeneres said at her talk show taping Wedneday, assuring her audience that The Ellen DeGeneres Show will continue. "This is so exciting for me."
Of course, this casting is perfect because if there's one demographic American Idol was missing, it's the key middle-aged lesbians who look like Owen Wilson audience. Now FOX can bring in those huge ad bucks from golf club manufacturers and turkey baster conglomerates. Well played.
Apr 23 2009Lindsay Lohan talks to Ellen about break up
Lindsay Lohan stopped by The Ellen DeGeneres show to talk about all things vagina and her recent lack thereof thanks to Samantha Ronson kicking her to the curb. E! News reports:
"I had no idea what was going on," Lohan recalled of the days leading up to her admission to E! News that she and girlfriend Samantha Ronson were taking a break. "I just hadn't seen her in like a week. She like, disappeared."
But the split was not due to her roving eye or anything like that, Lohan said, as she began disproving her own comment about not being interesting.
"I don't believe in cheating on someone."
Here's what I don't understand about this situation, and maybe someone can explain this to me: How the hell is Ellen DeGeneres allowed to be the head of the Lesbian Guild yet she didn't once challenge Lindsay to a game of golf to prove she's not a fake lesbian? I mean, seriously, are there no principles anymore?
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Oct 25 2008Hayden Panettiere flashes her 'panties' for Ellen DeGeneres
Hayden Panettiere stopped by The Ellen Show where, on a dare, she flashed a pair of boxer briefs that read "Ellen" around the waist. While it sounds hot, the whole scene was awkwardly random and over as soon as it began. I included the video after the jump and, fortunately, the flashing goes down within the first minute because the rest of the clip made me want to slam my testicles in a car door. I can only assume Hayden realized she sucks on talk shows and took drastic action. If that's the case, you know what really gets people's attention? Having sex with a blogger. True story.
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Aug 18 2008Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi lesbian wed
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi made good on their promise to immediately wed once the ban against gay marriage was deemed unconstitutional in California. Somewhere, John McCain just went "Huh? What? I want tapioca." People reports:
"Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi were married tonight in an intimate ceremony at their home in Los Angeles," their spokesperson tells PEOPLE exclusively.
Congratulations to Ellen and Portia. I'm a firm believer that everyone, whether you're born gay, straight or, in my first wife's case: porpoise, should have the right to make the most retarded decision of your life. I mean, seriously, I still don't know how she got to keep the house. I should've gone for a prenup, but like any man in my shoes, I couldn't keep my mind off the blowhole. Ultimately, it's what drove us apart at the end. And, okay, maybe the harpoon gun.
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May 16 2008Ellen DeGeneres & Portia de Rossi getting married while the gettin's good
Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi are taking immediate advantage of the California Supreme Court ruling that struck down the ban on gay marriage. The two plan to wed according to a spy for TMZ who was on the set for the latest episode of Ellen that will air today:
She surprised everyone and announced that she was going to tie the knot with longtime girlfriend, actress Portia de Rossi. Portia was in the crowd and after she made the announcement, the studio audience went wild, giving the two a huge standing O.
To some people, this news is a triumph for civil liberties. To others (*cough*thesouth*cough*), this is worse than 9/11. To me, however, this is just confusing. I mean, who makes the sandwiches? Do they flip a coin or something? I want to say Ellen is the "man," but then again Portia looks like she could throw some elbows. But those elbows could do some wicked ironing. God, this is tough. Superficial Writer frustrated! Superficial Writer lie on floor of men's room. Superficial Writer hash this thing out.
UPDATE: Superficial Writer caught Geekologie Writer no wash hands.
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Apr 24 2008Ashlee Simpson is milking those pregnancy rumors
Ashlee Simpson continued to play cute about the rumors that she's pregnant. You know, the ones that conveniently started spreading around the release of her new album. When asked if she was pregnant on Ellen Degeneres today, Ashlee wouldn't give a definitive answer. God willing, she'll be able to milk this until her next mediocre album in 2010. Us Magazine reports:
"Do I look like I had 10 cheeseburgers or something … because I don’t think I do," before standing up.
Pointing to a photo of Jennifer Lopez, DeGeneres then asked, "You’re not going to keep this answer up as long as this woman did...."
Laughing, Simpson replied, "No, I’m not. I swear. I promise you that. I give you my pinky on that."
After the show, Ellen decided to take Ashlee up on her offer and cut off her pinky for collateral. Pete Wentz heroically came to the rescue by whipping out his penis*. This caused Ellen to emit an ear-piercing shriek before changing into a bat and vanishing into the night. For such are the ways of her kind.**
*Presence of male genitalia assumed for comedic purposes only.
**Some scientists claim lesbians actually change into werewolves. The Superficial will not choose a side in this hotly contested debate until further research is conducted. Preferably in the form of pudding wrestling and/or nude decathlons.
Feb 21 2008Christina Aguilera makes Ellen glad to be a lesbian
These are stills from Christina Aguilera's appearance on Ellen yesterday. For those of you who couldn't sit through the video, here's the highlights. And by highlights I mean her boobs. I don't know why I felt the need to spell that out. It's pretty much a given on this site. I guess sometimes I want to make sure we're all on the same page. And by the same page I mean her boobs.
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Feb 20 2008Ellen to Christina Aguilera: Holy lactose, Batman!
Ellen DeGeneres, like any red-blooded man, found herself awestruck by the mammary glands of Christina Aguilera. Christina stopped by Ellen's show today, and Ellen asked the question that's on everyone's minds. People reports:
"You look great. One question: Are you nursing?"
A blushing Aguilera responded: "I guess it's a little obvious," and DeGeneres quipped back, "It's going to be a healthy baby boy."
But it wasn't just tits and nipples. It was also about wangs. Notably balloons shaped like wangs as Christina divulged her horribly apropos choice of decorations for her son Max's bris:
"We are not a very conservative couple," she told DeGeneres. "For decorations we put up penis balloons all over the place. It was really fun, it was really great." A stunned Ellen replied: " "Really, they have penis balloons in a shop ... you can just buy them?"
But then Ellen quickly realized her folly. She said the word "penis." That mammoth-chested bitch tricked her! But before Ellen could react it was too late. She was transported back to her home dimesion - never to return. On that note, Ellen's show will now be replaced by "The Christina Aguilera Boob Hour." If you'll excuse me, I need to set my TiVo and buy a whole lot of maple syrup. Uh, because I'm making waffles. Yeah, waffles...
Super chesty video of the interview after the jump.
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