Apr 22 2009Dog the Bounty Hunter almost had something cool happen. Almost.

Duane "Dog" Chapman and his bounty hunters claimed to have been shot at yesterday during an arrest. TMZ reports:

According to police in Colorado Springs, Colo., Chapman and bail bondsman Bobby Brown were attempting to bring in a man named Hoang Nguyen when he allegedly fired at least one shot at Chapman and Brown with a handgun before fleeing on a motorcycle.
Chapman and Brown were armed with paintball guns and returned fire.
Hoang was later arrested without incident by Chapman early this morning.

Dog's camera crew conveniently missed the whole thing - because, holy shit, it didn't happen:

We just spoke with Colorado Springs Police, and they say as of right now, they've found no evidence of a shot fired -- including no bullet hole or shell casing at the scene. They say the information that a shot was fired came from Dog's camp.

I don't know what's worse: That Dog runs around with a paintball gun dressed like Mickey Rourke's retarded brother, or that he had to make up his own story about being shot at because, let's face it, his job really isn't that badass. I think once on his show Dog tackled a guy then cried for twenty minutes in his car. I've seen tougher vigilante justice from Fonzie.

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May 15 2008Dog says 'I'm back, racism!' or something to that effect

Dog the Bounty Hunter is returning for its fifth season proving that America loves retarded Bible-totin' racists - in leather. (Back me up, West Virginia.) A&E held a "carefully choreographed" press conference yesterday to announce its decision to return Dog to the air. The AP reports:

"It's not about ratings," A&E spokesman Michael Feeney said. "We know his heart. We know him and know he's not a racist."
Scott Lonker, vice president nonfiction and alternative programming at A&E, said viewer demand for the show also weighed in the decision.
Niger Innis, national chairman of the Congress of Racial Equality, said Chapman's use of the racial slur was wrong. But he noted that Chapman "took ownership of the harm it caused" and "sought to turn his life around."
Alphonso Braggs, Hawaii chapter president of the NAACP, disagreed, saying Chapman got off lightly for behavior that is "absolutely unacceptable."
"If individuals see they are able to behave inappropriately with little or no consequence, they will continue that pattern," he said.

While A&E played it close to the vest with its press conference, somebody should've made sure Dog didn't send out press kits of his own. Like the one I happen to have in my shaky, caffeine-fueled hands:

Dear Viewers,

-DOG

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Feb 19 2008Dog the Bounty Hunter returns! Racism not so bad!

A network executive for A&E confirmed to TMZ that "Dog the Bounty Hunter" is going back on the air. Duane "Dog" Chapman's show was suspended after he was caught on tape using the N-word like Criss Angel uses necklaces. Advertisers started pulling out and the show was canned. But, fear not, the Dog is back and ready to bite! (I now officially hate myself):

We're told network execs were "very pleased" with Dog's attempt to make amends and his reaching out to members of the African American community.
A&E isn't just making this decision out of the goodness of their hearts either. The show was insanely popular for the network, here and internationally -- airing in over 20 countries.

It looks like Dog has his mobile battle-fortress of doom primed and ready. I'd hate to be on the lam and get pummeled by that thing. Shit, that's his wife? Really? Nah, no way. Ha, you're hilarious. His wife. Good one.

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Dec 12 2007Dog says ‘Surf’s up, racism!’

I couldn’t resist posting this picture of Duane “Dog” Chapman grabbing a smoke outside of a Greenwich Village restaurant yesterday. The dude has pretty much fallen off the face of the planet since the whole N-word debacle. But I know that scientifically can’t be possible because his wife’s breasts are still blocking the sun allowing the Earth to enjoy eight hours of darkness.

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Nov 8 2007Dog the Bounty Hunter on Larry King Live

Duane “Dog” Chapman appeared on Larry King Live for another round of public apologizing. I decided to post some pics of Dog and his wife Beth leaving the studio because you can’t help but stare at them. It’s like a fat woman smuggling watermelons in her ridiculously low top. But with the hilarity of extreme sunglasses. Also, scope out Larry King. Seriously, who’s dressing this guy? His outfit sort of says “Hey, I’m on my way to one of those independent rock n’ roll performances the young people talk about. Right after I drink my Metamucil.”

Nov 7 2007Dog figures out he's not black after all

Duane “Dog” Chapman appeared on Fox News’ Hannity & Colmes last night to apologize for his racist remarks and explain himself. Dog felt he had a “special connection” with black America and used to say “I’m black, too.”

"In other words, my whole life I've been called a half-breed, a convict, king of the trailer trash, this and that…so when I stood there and said, 'I kind of know what you feel like, because I've been there, too,' that I felt that I could embrace and like, as brothers…say the word."

"I now learned I'm not black at all, and I never did it out of hate," Chapman continued. "This sounds so stupid. I always did it out of love. Other white guys would be like, 'Boy, who does Dog think he is? Dog can say that.' And black guys would be with me and walk with me and respect me.

"So, I went too far with that."

I’m going to go out on a limb here, but you know how Dog the Bounty Hunter could've figure out he’s not black? He could've, I dunno, maybe looked in a freaking mirror. Which I’ll assume he recently did and made a startling discovery: “What the hell am I wearing? This seems like an awful lot of leather. Is that an armband? And a fanny pack?! C’mon! Hey, wait a minute, this is strange. My skin, it's white. And not black. That means I can’t say nig-- Ho. Ly. Shit.”

Nov 6 2007'Dog the Bounty Hunter' put to sleep (I totally went there.)

Dog the Bounty Hunter has been pulled off the air indefinitely by A&E. Advertisers began boycotting the show after Duane “Dog” Chapman was caught on tape making racially charged threats to his son over the phone. The National Enquirer has the details:

But the makers of Sinus Buster capsaicin pepper nasal sprays have pulled their ads and say they won't advertise on A&E until the network cancels Dog's show permanently. In addition, Yum! Brands, Inc. has said it will no longer advertise on the Bounty Hunter. Yum!'s brands include Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and KFC. Another of the show's advertisers, Dr. Frank's pain relief, has joined the growing boycott, pulling ads for several of its products.

One of the advertisers even issued a statement that voiced his frustration with Dog:

"They should pull the show completely and never air reruns or anything with Chapman ever again," Wayne Perry, president of SiCap Industries, LLC, makers of Sinus Buster capsaicin nasal sprays says in a press release.

Okay, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, whatever that’s nothing. Minor leagues. But Sinus Buster? Damn. Dog is screwed. I mean Sinus Buster is the capsaicin pepper nasal spray. When you lose that kind of advertising dough your career is over. Talk about the kiss of death.

Note: This post is sponsored by Sinus Buster. The capsaicin pepper nasal spray. If your nasal spray isn’t practically mace, you’re a giant pussy.

Note: Your dad just wrote me a letter. He says he never loved you. Reason? You didn’t use Sinus Buster. The capsaicin pepper nasal spray. Also, you throw like a girl.

Note: Got a phone call from your ex-girlfriend. Says things didn’t work because you were too much of a wuss to use Sinus Buster. The capsaicin pepper nasal spray. Also, you have a vagina and she’s not a lesbian. It was never meant to be.

Nov 2 2007Dog’s son sold N-word tape for ‘a lot of money’

Duane Chapman’s son Tucker taped the infamous phone conversation with his father knowing it would be incendiary and sold it to The National Enquirer for ‘a lot of money,’ according to Dog’s lawyer who spoke to the Associated Press:

"I guess because of whatever level of anger he had of his father, he felt the need to express it in that manner.”

So it was Dog’s son that sold the tape, not his "N-word girlfriend" like Dog feared. Oops. Dude, I bet Dog is feeling really stupid now. That is if he’s capable of feeling stupidity. He kind of walks around like a perpetual braided jackass, so maybe the gravity of all this is escaping him. He’s probably just standing around thinking, “Are these armbands shiny enough? I can never tell. Perhaps I need cooler sunglasses. No, that’s impossible. These wrap around my head. How do you beat that?”