Oct 9 2009David Hasselhoff adds pants-pissing, doctor-punching to his drunken resume
David Hasselhoff managed to drink himself into the hospital again. This time in London which is an almost superhuman feat considering those people drink 20 pints of ale for breakfast. The Sun reports:
The bender began at the weekend when the US actor joined about 400 A-listers at X Factor supremo Simon Cowell's posh birthday party. He got smashed and was escorted out of a side door and back to the hotel.
A source close to the star said: "David is very hard to handle when he drinks, often very emotional and aggressive. On this occasion he became so drunk he wet his hotel bed - ruining two mattresses - and was becoming a real pain for staff. His assistant Joe Townley was so concerned he called out a doctor. David was furious and lashed out at him - but mistakenly hit the doctor.
"They decided they had no option but to lock him in the basement until an ambulance arrived."
I've funneled a significant amount of booze through my liver, but I can honestly say I've never been so shitfaced it required an entire basement to contain me until a team of paramedics arrived to talk me out of going for nachos. And that's a shame I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. *sniff* DON'T LOOK AT ME!
Sep 24 2009David Hasselhoff takes teenage daughter to sex shop
Apparently it's Fucked Up Fathers Week on The Superficial because here's David Hasselhoff taking his 17 year old daughter Hayley to an erotic sex shop for a lingerie show last night. I'm assuming this is some sort of psychological revenge for her calling 911 the other day for his "ear infection" which had to make for a great car ride home.
HOFF: Did you see the way the lingerie accentuated the tits? *sips from flask* I love tits. You gotta make sure you show a man your tits to get him to like you. Tits right in his face!
HAYLEY: *VOMIT* *VOMIT* *VOMIT* I'm a lesbian now. *VOMIT*
HOFF: And that's why you let daddy go on a five day bender. Now, grab the wheel. I'm taking a nap. Zzz...
Continue Reading "David Hasselhoff takes teenage daughter to sex shop"
Sep 21 2009UPDATE: David Hasselhoff vs. Alcohol Poisoning: Round 587!
As legitimate actors with careers attended the Emmy Awards, David Hasselhoff kept it real by sitting at home chugging vodka like it was the goddamn antidote. Unfortunately for him, it ended up being the antidote to not going to the hospital with alcohol poisoning for the 35th time. RadarOnline reports:
Hasselhoff was home with his 17-year-old daughter Hayley and his male assistant and was on a bender. The Hoff had been drinking for more than a day, a source told RadarOnline.com. He recently wrapped taping for America's Got Talent and shortly after began boozing heavily on vodka.
When he appeared to be in physical danger 911 was called and he was transported to the hospital. His daughter went with him and was crying heavily.
And RadarOnline.com has also learned exclusively that the actor has been hospitalized with alcohol poisoning more than five times during the past few years.
Hoff has consistently been in denial about his severe alcoholism say people close to him. He denied that it was alcohol poisoning behind his hospitalization earlier this year but the details of his story changed as more people confirmed it.
Do you want to know my favorite part of this story? The fact that I used a picture of David Hasselhoff aggressively holding a hammer. It's like he saying to alcohol poisoning "Hey, you. Booze. Let's dance." And by dance I of course mean sit around the house without a shirt on telling people you wrote a book. "No, really. Just listen to me. Listen. I wrote it all down. In my mind."
UPDATE: TMZ reports The Hoff's blaming it on an ear infection. Except when asked to touch his ear he fell down a flight of stairs then ordered a pizza. True story.
Classic Video of a Shit-faced Hoff Eating a Burger After the Jump
Continue Reading "UPDATE: David Hasselhoff vs. Alcohol Poisoning: Round 587!"
Apr 16 2008David Hasselhoff knows what the ladies want
Apparently this is my morning to kick around stars of the 80s. David Hasselhoff thinks he's got the magic key to any woman's pants: Autographed pictures of himself. Damn, Hoff, try to leave some ladies behind for the rest of us. NY Daily News reports:
"Last week, a group of three came into the bar, and they were laughing up a storm," he says. They had just come from a taping of 'America's Got Talent,' where Hasselhoff is a judge.
"The female of the group [a busty, cute brunette] was approached by the assistant of David Hasselhoff after the taping, and he gave her an autographed photo of him. On the back of the photo was the assistant's phone number and a suggestion that she get in touch with 'them.' Also listed was the name of the hotel [the London] where they were staying." The source provided cell-phone shots of both sides of the autographed picture as proof.
Brace yourself for a shock, but the Hoff's tactics actually failed. WTDF? Obviously, this woman is a man-hating lesbian. I mean, there's just no other explanation. No straight chick could resist a romantic gesture of this magnitude. And, trust me, I'm an expert on broads.
Oct 11 2007David Hasselhoff gets alcohol poisoning
David Hasselhoff had a relapse in his battle with alcoholism and was admitted to Cedars-Sinai Hospital yesterday where he was treated for alcohol poisoning. David is currently in a custody battle with his ex, Pamela Bach. TMZ reports:
No word on how the latest lapse will affect custody. A judge awarded physical custody of the kids to Hoff, but we're told for the last five weeks they've been living pretty much full-time with David's ex, Pamela Bach, while he was in Europe shooting "Anaconda 3." We're told he had "infrequent contact" with his daughters, something Hoff's people dispute.
David Hasselhoff is having a tough time with the booze. Yeah, that’s terrible, but let me tell you about the real tragedy here. They’re making Anaconda 3. C’mon! I’d rather pass a kidney stone then sit through that movie. Is this a franchise that really needs a third installment? But, hey, it stars David Hasselhoff, so at least they’re adding some star-power to this one.
Edit: So, I just learned that you pass kidney stones through your urethra. One ticket to Anaconda 3, please. Besides man sauce and urine, there’s only one other thing that comes out of my urethra: Laser beams.
Edit: Okay, maybe one time Chinese throwing stars shot out of it. But that's where I draw the line.
Edit: Alright, alright. Yes, during a full moon, I shot a silver bullet out of it and killed a werewolf. But, seriously, that's it.
Edit: A Civil War-era cannonball, Carl Weathers and a map of Middle-Earth. Okay, I'm done.
Jun 15 2007David Hasselhoff gets primary custody
David Hasselhoff was awarded primary physical custody and sole legal custody of his two daughters today, despite the fact that last month a judge suspended his visitation rights when a tape surfaced showing him drunk and eating a burger off his living room floor while his daughter pleaded with him to stop drinking.
Just goes to show nothing can stop David Hasselhoff. You could drop a truck on him and he'd just catch it and throw it to the side while laughing. Then he'd say something into his watch and get into a talking black car before driving to the beach and running around in red shorts saving people's lives. I think I saw a documentary about him on TV once and that's what he does right? That's his life?
May 3 2007David Hasselhoff drunk video
This is video of David Hasselhoff completely drunk and slurring his words at his Las Vegas home. It was taken by his 16-year-old daughter Taylor three months ago, and in it you can hear her begging him not to drink anymore or he'll be fired from his show. David released this statement in response to the video:
"I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue. Unfortunately, one evening I did have a brief relapse, but part of recovery is relapse. Because of my honest and positive relationship with my daughters who were concerned for my well being there was a tape made that night to show me what I was like. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it and I am back on my game. I thank God for the love and concern from my daughters. The tape was never meant to become public, but got into the hands of individuals who are not worthy of mentioning, who maliciously released the tape for their own self purpose. I hope that someone else will learn from the tape, as I have."
As much as I want to rip on The Hoff, this is just incredibly sad. Like the time I was standing outside all alone, looking through the window of a family opening presents on Christmas morning. And there was a guy behind me playing the violin. And it was raining. And also I was an orphan. And my pet dog had just died. Did I mention I was also missing a leg? Because I was also missing a leg. Ahh, the memories.
Feb 16 2007The Hoff goes drag
I was tempted to put this picture up of David Hasselhoff dressed in drag without an explanation but I figured that'd be unfair. He's currently appearing in a Las Vegas run of The Producers. Which explains why The Hoff is wearing a dress, but not why he has a lifesize cardboard cutout of himself in his room. Does he carry that thing with him wherever he goes? I thought I was the only one who did that.
Check out the rest of the pictures of The Hoff in drag here.
