Oct 16 2008Colin Farrell proves that doing drugs will get you laid

Many have pondered the secret to banging a Playboy playmate and getting her to let you document the event on film. Is it money? The right cologne? Some kind of voodoo ritual involving a decapitated chicken? Nope, it's getting hammered on drugs. Just ask Colin Farrell! The Sun reports:

COLIN FARRELL was off his head on drugs when he agreed to film his infamous sex tape.
The Minority Report star, who is now tee-total, filmed an X-rated romp with Playboy model NICOLE NARAIN back in 2003.
But as with most decisions made under the influence, Colin wishes he had been sober when she suggested shooting their nookie.
He said: "I think I was high... It seemed like a good idea at the time."

At the time? Hell, it seems like an even better idea now. Hopefully some government-funded agency can get Farrell's permission to use the footage in a PSA:

This is Colin Farrell. This is Colin Farrell on drugs. This is Colin Farrell on drugs, going balls-deep with a piece of tail that your sober ass was probably fantasizing about the last time you were humping your crusty gym sock. Any questions?

Paid for by the Partnership for a Playmate-Banging America.

The only problem would be getting funding for the commercial time in this time of financial crisis, but they can divert the cash from FEMA. It's not like disaster survivors are going to do anything to help you improve your sex life, the selfish pricks.

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Mar 7 2008Colin Farrell strikes out with model, lets her boyfriend live

Colin Farrell had his eyes set on model Meghan Lowther while drinking with some buddies at The Rose Bar in New York City. Colin decided it was time to get all Miami Vice on her ass. And not Miami Vice the steaming pile of shit movie he made, but Miami Vice the wicked TV show with the Jan Hammer soundtrack. Key-tars rule! Page Six reports:

He bumped into the fellow next to her and asked, "Who is this guy?" Lowther replied, "He's my boyfriend." Farrell then told the guy, "You've got the most beautiful girl in the place, and you can't blame a guy for trying." The boyfriend replied, "You tried. Now get out of here."

I can't believe Colin Farrell let this guy continue to have a full set of teeth. If I was there, I would've pissed myself then crossed my fingers the dude slips in my urine while I cry underneath a table. I guess you can say I'm something of a hardass. *flexes* Mamacita! Oh yeah, I definitely herniated myself. This can't be good. I think I really did it this time. *looks down* Okay, is anyone a doctor? What happens when the third one wraps itself around the other two while the fourth one continues to be made of titanium? Give it to me straight, doc. I can take it.

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Sep 14 2007Colin Farrell helps the quasi-homeless

Colin Farrell took a homeless man on a $2100 shopping spree in Toronto. Colin had the met the guy years ago while filming a movie, and decided to catch up with him. The Daily Mail reports:

Farrell reportedly told shop assistants, “Get him anything he wants. Whatever he needs,” before shelling out $2,100 (£1,050) on new clothes and outdoor gear at Toronto's Europe Bound Travel Outfitters store. Staff helped the homeless man, known as Stress, and Farrell pick out a coat, a sleeping bag, and a rucksack stuffed with socks, boots and new underwear. “He was a cool guy. He doesn't act like a movie star,” store manager Dave Mott said.

But Colin’s generosity didn’t end there.

According to newspaper the Toronto Sun, after the shopping spree, Farrell asked Mott for directions to the nearest bank machine, where he withdrew a wad of $20 (£10)notes for Stress. Now Stress reportedly plans to take a bike trip around Farrell's native Ireland.

Wait a minute. I don’t know many homeless people that plan on taking international flights to go bike-riding. I do know a homeless guy who will wash your windows for half a hash brown. Though he does a really crappy job. Sure he’s only got a three month old magazine and his own spit, but show some pride in your work, Hash Brown Joe. I even threw in a ketchup packet. Yeah, Colin Farrell bought you a Lexus, so what? I gave you Heinz ketchup. That’s the Lexus of ketchup.