Oct 23 2009Charlize Theron kisses a woman for charity
Because molesting seals is for slutty Canadians, Charlize Theron offered up a make out session at a OneXOne charity auction yesterday with the prize going to a lucky lady (above.). Us Magazine reports with naughty words added back in by me:
She raised the stakes when bidding stalled at $37,000, far below the $280,000 Jeremy Piven had just raised.
"For fuck's sake! You can do better," she tells attendees. "There is no way I am leaving here with Jeremy Piven getting a higher bid. I've got tit's for God's sake." To sweeten the pot, she offered up a 7-second kiss for $130,000 to a male bidder. "Swine flu is going around. This is high risk kissing!" she told him.
After one man bid $135,000, a woman upped the stakes to $140,000 -- ascending the stage for a 20-second smooch as the audience counted down.
You've got to respect a woman who's willing to go lesbian for a good cause. Or to one-up Jeremy Piven, I really don't care. Pretty much any means will justify the end here. Charlize Theron Frenched a chick for throwing an amputee into the ocean? Whee!
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Sep 25 2008Charlize Theron is one of us
While doing press for her new movie Battle in Seattle, Charlize Theron told Josh Horowitz of MTV.com that she can't figure out why the hell people watch The Hills:
Theron: [Long pause, laughs.] So I watched a couple episodes. I was doing a world tour at the time, so I watched them in a couple languages. I realized that this f---ing show is huge. Now I'm going to ask you a question: Why?
MTV: Why what?
Theron: Why is it so big? It's about nothing! This is a free country. Freedom of speech! You can tell me right now to my face that "Reindeer Games" was a piece of sh--. That's totally fine. But "The Hills" is about nothing. I think the girls are beautiful and when they cry their mascara runs and that's real, but I don't get it!
Charlize Theron: Smoking hot and hates The Hills. I don't want to alarm anybody, but I have an erection. Don't panic; it's more scared of you than you are of it.
Feb 8 2008Charlize Theron loves drag queens (Who doesn't?)
Charlize Theron received the Hasty Pudding's Woman of the Year award yesterday at Harvard. Surrounded by drag queens and pumped full of hard cider, Charlize was asked which is better: Her Hasty Pudding pot or an Oscar? People reports:
"I know you want me to say that the Oscar sucks and this is better," she said. "There are no men in drag at the Oscars like there are here. I've never been surrounded by so many fake breasts."
Then again, considering Hollywood's penchant for plastic surgery, she added, "Actually, I think I was at the Oscars."
What's wrong with fake boobs, Charlize? Why you be hatin'? Those fake mounds of awesomeness put food on my table. And by food on my table I mean Pabst Blue Ribbon in my mini-fridge. I don't even own a table. Or furniture. In fact, I'm sitting on a homeless guy's back right now. I pay him in Doritos.
NOTE: If I dressed in drag, do you think Charlize Theron would let me smack her ass? You know, without pressing charges or pepper spraying me in the nostril.
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Aug 7 2007Charlize Theron Belize bikini pictures
Charlize Theron and Stuart Townsend are currently on vacation in Belize, and staying at the $2,500 a night Blancaneaux Hotel. And I know she's frolicking around in a stream, but it wouldn't kill her to put a little makeup on. She looks like her character from Monster. She could be going into surgery and she should be wearing makeup. Bikini pictures are supposed to make me smile and remove my pants, not wet myself and hide in the closet in shame. And by "wet myself and hide in the closet in shame", I mean rip my shirt when I flex. These damn muscles are always getting in the way.
May 16 2007Charlize Theron is kind of stupid
Charlize Theron was spotted "catwalking" in front of a restaurant for almost five minutes as bystanders looked on in confusion.
Spies outside downtown eatery La Esquina saw the star "putting on a show . . . catwalking in front of the restaurant." One bystander asked, "What's wrong with her?" Another told Page Six, "She was doing that walk for almost five minutes."
Why do the pretty ones always have to be so stupid? She seems adorable enough, but what the hell is this? I'm surprised nobody stopped her and asked if she needed help finding her way home, making sure to speak extra slowly so she could understand. And, uh, here she is trying to make out with a pirate.
For British eyes only!
Mar 13 2007Charlize Theron gets her bikini on
Charlize Theron was spotted in her bikini hanging out at a Malibu beach over the weekend. And she has a nice body and all, but from the neck up she's starting to look like an old homeless woman. People with millions of dollars shouldn't have hair that looks like that. People with twelve dollars shouldn't have hair that looks like that. It's like instead of using a brush in the morning she just rubs her hair down with garbage.
Apr 25 2006Catherine Zeta-Jones loves T-Mobile
AdWeek has put together a list of the top ten celebrity endorsement deals, with Catherine Zeta Jones topping the list at $20 million from T-Mobile. The complete list is:
1. Catherine Zeta-Jones, T-Mobile: $20 million
2. Angelina Jolie, St. John: $12+ million
3. Nicole Kidman, Chanel No. 5: $12 million
4. Jessica Simpson, Guthy-Renker: $7.5 million
5. Gwyneth Paltrow, Estee Lauder: $6+ million
6. Charlize Theron, Dior: $6 million
7. Julia Roberts, Gianfranco Ferre: $5 million
8. Brad Pitt, Heineken: $4 million
9. Scarlett Johansson, L'Oreal: $4 million
10. Penelope Cruz, L'Oreal: $4 million
I'm just glad these sons of bitches can make more money talking about a cell phone plan for 30 seconds than I'll ever make in my entire life.
Mar 13 2006Charlize Theron back on the market
Arrested Development guest star Charlize Theron has ended her five-year relationship with movie star boyfriend, Stuart Townsend. Speculation has been brewing for a few weeks when she declared she had no intentions of marrying him. Luckily for Townsend, the break was completed before the Oscars, keeping him from being photographed next to the horrific Shoulder Bow Incident.
Hollywood’s rumour mill went into overdrive. And last night a pal said: “Charlize is free and single again. Her relationship with Stuart is well and truly over. They just grew apart. It wasn’t always easy because filming often kept them apart for months.”
And while most speculate it was Charlize who called it off (based on the "Who the hell could break up with someone as hot as Charlize?" argument), I'm going to take Stuart's side on this one. No matter how many 400-watt bulbs you bring into the bedroom, every once in awhile when you close your eyes during intimate relations, you're going to see Aileen Wuornos from Monster.
