Aug 19 2009Jon Gosselin has to be kidding me and other news
- Jason Schwartzman got married which was probably awesome until everyone kept comparing the reception to Rushmore. [PopEater]
- Nicole Kidman has been reduced to reality television. Have you no tiny heart in your tiny chest, Tom Cruise?! [Lainey Gossip]
- Renee Zellweger isn't bringing Bradley Cooper on the red carpet yet. Though in all fairness, anything more attractive than a zucchini will make her look ugly by comparison. [PopSugar]
- Ricky Martin takes his "Let's Face It, I'm Gay" twins to the beach. [Just Jared]
- Amy Winehouse might be a contestant on the UK version of Dancing with the Stars. I might hate reality TV with the very essence of my being, but I would watch the fuck out of that. I don't care who knows it. [Celebslam]
- Celine Dion is pregnant with an eight-year-old embryo. Looks like Canadian health care ain't so bad after all. (Ignoring the fact she might've had procedure done in U.S. and is super rich.) [Splash News]
- Brooke Hogan bailed out of a concert in New York because she's stressed out about what people think. Really? I figured she'd be adjusted to the penis theories by now. [The Blemish]
Aug 18 2009Mandy Moore douches and other news
- Kim Kardashian finds acting work further proving Satan's powers are far greater than we imagined. (I only thought he had mad Halo skills. And the voice of a 13 year old.) [PopEater]
- Celine Dion is pregnant. How old is she? Is that legal? [Lainey Gossip]
- Brad Pitt gave up weed for the kids. Also Angelina found out it lowers your sperm count and threatened to make him wear a blood vial necklace. Fuuuuck that. [Celebslam]
- Cam Gigandet is in that Twilight movie - and he's holding a baby. Chick porn GO! [Splash News]
- Alexander Skarsgard wants to reproduce. So... does he need an instruction manual? I'm confused. [Just Jared]
- Ryan Kwanten poses for GQ. Sensing a vampire theme yet? [Socialite Life]
- Robert Downey Jr. and Jude Law will not get an assist from Brad Pitt in Sherlock Holmes. [PopSugar]
- Lady GaGa is actually wearing pants. In Israel. So this is what Armageddon feels like? [ICYDK]
Jul 9 2008Celine Dion in a bikini (Oh yeah, this is happening.)
Celine Dion is on vacation in France where she's developed a habit of parading around her balcony in a new swimsuit each hour. (Ha ha, old people.) Now, I know I swore an oath to always post pictures of celebs in bikinis no matter who they are, but halfway through this post I'm starting to think this might be a mistake. It's kind of like when you bring a girl home after a few drinks, and the night is rife with passion. Then you realize, wait, this chick seems kind of hairy. And also keeps pulling fish out of the aquarium. Aw fuck she's a grizzly bear. Yeah, it's exactly like that.
Continue Reading "Celine Dion in a bikini (Oh yeah, this is happening.)"
May 30 2007Celine Dion has a masculine son
Celine Dion posed on the cover of Hello magazine with her six-year-old son, Rene Charles. Wait, son? That must be a typo. A horrible confusing typo.
Jan 19 2007Top 20 Richest Women in Entertainment
Forbes has compiled a confusing list of the Top 20 Richest Women in Entertainment. To put together the list they ruled out "non-working celebs who essentially live off royalties (Barbra Streisand, for example), and we also excluded 'old Hollywood" types like Elizabeth Taylor.'" So basically it's the 20 richest women in entertainment that you'd be familiar with, and not your mom. Here's their list in order from richest to poorest:
1. Oprah Winfrey
2. J.K. Rowling
3. Martha Stewart
4. Madonna
5. Celine Dion
6. Mariah Carey
7. Janet Jackson
8. Julia Roberts
9. Jennifer Lopez
10. Jennifer Aniston
11. The Olsen Twins
12. Britney Spears
13. Judge Judy
14. Sandra Bullock
15. Cameron Diaz
16. Gisele Bundchen
17. Ellen DeGeneres
18. Nicole Kidman
19. Christina Aguilera
20. Renee Zellweger
There's a lot of names on there I just don't understand. Why is Jennifer Aniston number 10? And how did Renee Zellweger make the list? This is supposed to be the Top 20 Richest Women in Entertainment, not Most Likely To Be Confused for a Homeless Person.
May 4 2006Celine Dion breaks own ears
Celine Dion was forced to cancel almost a week's worth of gigs last month after suffering a rare ear disease called labyrinthitis which lead to a severe case of vertigo. A posting on her official Website last month stated:
"Celine continues to recover from the virus she contracted last week which spread to her inner ear. Medically known as viral labyrinthitis, the condition causes nausea, dizziness and general weakness. Her doctor has prescribed medication to treat the associated irritations and instructed her to rest for the next five days, so that the virus can run its course."
I'm not a doctor, but labyrinthitis sounds like something Michael Kelso would make up. Why doesn't Celine just admit she shattered her ear drums while trying to outsing herself on a rendition of "My Heart Will Go On." If she's suffering from labyrinthitis then I'm suffering from super-humongous-wangitis. The symptoms are pretty straightforward and consist of having a super humongous wang. And damn if my case isn't severe.
Oct 25 2005Celine Dion wants to grow another child
Celine Dion, the source of almost all of Canada's shame before Avril Lavigne and Nickelback came around, has told a French magazine that once her contract with Caesar's Palace ends, she plans to have a second child through in vitro fertilization. Celine insisted that time is of the essence since she's approaching 40 years old and her husband is approaching whatever age it is where you spontaneously turn to dust in the slightest breeze. The couple plans to use an embryo that was left from the treatment that yielded their first child.
Wow, even Gwynnie and Britney are subtler with exploiting their children than Celine Dion is. With the 21 months notice and giving specific information as to when, where, and how she's going to conceive, it's obvious that she's just winding up to release yet another album full of songs about her damned baby, this time brought to you by Louis' Turkey Basters and Cup-o-Soup: Now With 30% More Fetus. I'd call it shameless, but I'm pretty sure that for French-Canadians "shameless" roughly translates to "crafty like a fox!"
Sep 7 2005Britney won't be dumped in Vegas
Remember those reports that Britney Spears signed a long-term Las Vegas concert contract? No, me neither. But apparently they weren't true, for she has haughtily "laughed [them] off," insisting instead that she will invest her time in preparing her next album and raising a sociopath.
I, for one, am not conviced. Because Spears' fame looks to be on its last bare foot, and it seems to me that Vegas is where every country dumps its iconic musicians when it wants to get rid of them. England dumped Elton John there, and we Canadians dumped Celine Dion there ages ago. And let me tell you, the people of the Polite Northern Tundra have never been happier. We even have a holiday to commemorate the day we got rid of her. We call it D(ion)-Day, where we all get naked and roll around in maple syrup and sing "My Heart Will Go On" while burning a crude Celine Dion effigy. It's just such a... beautiful and... joyous event. Ahem. Excuse me, I have something in my eye.
