Jun 9 2008Jessica Alba births tiny version of herself (God willing)
Jessica Alba gave birth to a baby girl this weekend and named her Honor Marie Warren. This will be the first child for her and husband Cash Warren. Us Magazine reports:
She was born this weekend at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles.
Alba's father was overheard saying "she's beautiful." Warren -- in a T-shirt, jeans and baseball cap -- was spotted carrying food into the maternity ward Sunday. Her rep had no comment.
Jessica and Cash secretly wed in May without even inviting her brother, so I'm surprised to read Jessica's dad was in the delivery room. I figured she'd just carry the baby around and tell people it's a puppy. Until she's caught breast feeding and has to admit that fine, okay - it's a sea lion.
The Superficial wishes the best to Jessica, Cash and baby Honor Marie.
May 21 2008Jessica Alba's brother didn't get the invite (Awkward.)
Jessica Alba's own brother, Josh Alba, didn't even know his sister got married. In fact, he seemed quite stunned he even had a sister. That's odd. If Jessica Alba were my sister, I'd be more stunned by how often I drilled a hole in the shower wall respected the boundaries and social mores of the time. Us Weekly reports:
"My sister!? I'm going to have to call her!" Josh Alba said when Us Weekly alerted him to the news Tuesday.
When asked if Warren will make a good husband, Josh told Us "Well, he's my brother in law now!"
Us Weekly, you guys are aces. Way to A.) tell a man he's not invited to his own sister's wedding while B.) essentially calling his new brother in law a dick. I mean, couldn't you at least slipped it in there that Jessica Alba has the acting ability of a bowl of soup? Yeesh. Talk about sloppy reporting.
Continue Reading "Jessica Alba's brother didn't get the invite (Awkward.)"
May 20 2008Jessica Alba & Cash Warren 'quietly wed'
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren apparently were married yesterday, according to People:
The couple quietly wed Monday, says her rep, Brad Cafarelli.
Alba, 27, is expecting a daughter with Warren, 31, this summer. The couple met while filming Fantastic Four and were engaged last December.
Quietly wed, huh? So does that mean no one talks through the whole service? Because that I like. And, shit, why stop there? How about no talking for the entire marriage? It'll be a relationship built on love and head gestures. But sometimes crying when I specifically nodded for mustard and not mayo. C'mon!
The Superficial silently congratulates the happy couple.
Dec 28 2007Jessica Alba and Cash Warren get engaged
Jessica Alba and Cash Warren hopped on the engagement bandwagon this week. Cash decided to make an honest woman out of Jessica who he met in 2004 on the set of Fantastic Four. It was recently announced that Cash put a baby up in that ass if I’m using the correct medical terminology which I’m 90% sure I am. The Associated Press reports:
"I can confirm that they are engaged," Alba's publicist, Brad Cafarelli, said in an e-mail to The Associated Press on Thursday.
The couple is expecting their first child in late spring or early summer, Cafarelli said.
I can’t believe all these young couples don’t realize that, Garth, marriage is a punishment for shoplifting in some countries. I also can’t believe I just blatantly ripped off Wayne’s World. If I start quoting Coneheads, I want you to give me my medication. And by medication, I mean hit me with your car.
Jul 30 2007Jessica Alba wanted to get married
A source close to Jessica Alba is claiming Jessica broke up with Cash Warren because she was ready for marriage and he wasn't. The insider says:
"He wasn't ready for marriage, and Jessica is. It's simple as that. It's kind of cold that the press is saying she was just finished with him, because it isn't like that. Seeing Eva get married made Jessica wistful. That was the reason Jessica seemed to be in a terrible mood in Paris."
So obviously this "insider" is insane. They actually want me to believe that Jessica Alba broke up with Cash Warren because he wouldn't marry her? That's like telling me Rosie O'Donnell turned down a slice of pie because she was full. Why not just claim the Earth is flat? Or that Abraham Lincoln was a woman?
Jul 25 2007Jessica Alba is single
In what can only be described as THE GREATEST NEWS EVER, Jessica Alba has reportedly broken up with her boyfriend of two-and-a-half years Cash Warren. Not only that, she did it while in a different country and over the phone. Us reports:
Alba, who was abroad over the weekend promoting Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, called Warren on July 22 and told him, "I'm not in love with you anymore." Within hours, Alba had dispatched an assistant to the L.A. home they shared to pack up Warren's belongings and move him out.
That's cold as hell, but this is Jessica Alba we're talking about. She could've cut his testicles off with a chainsaw and she'd still qualify for some sort of humanitarian award. Besides, she's single now, which means I've got more important things on my mind than worrying about little baby Warren. Like how I'm going to lure her into my basement so I can perform sexy experiments on her. Ha ha, I jest, I jest. But seriously, I'm gonna need to find some rope.
NOTE: You'd think giant space glasses would deter me, but no, not even Zombie Hitler himself could keep me from this woman. I think the evidence speaks for itself.
