Jun 22 2009Matthew McConaughey thinks procreation is a sport now
Matthew McConaughey has knocked up his girlfriend Camila Alves again. He revealed the news in a Father's Day message on his website:
Happy Father's Day. It's my first, and the last 11 months with Levi and Camila have been the most rewarding adventure to date. We have more blessed news to celebrate this Father's Day that makes this time next year double the fun. Levi is going to be a big brother. Yeah, we pulled off the greatest miracle in the world one more time. Camila and I are expecting our second child, bringing more life into the world, making more to live for. The future looks bright as the family grows, and we thank you for all the well wishes you send our way.
Viva la evolucion, naturally, and in the mean times and all time, just keep livin, Matthew and Camila.
It's comforting to know that in the future we'll have plenty of strapping McConaughey children to aid the Pitt-Jolie clan in battle against the evil horde of Paris, Britney and Octomom spawn. Now I only half feel like shooting myself.
Continue Reading "Matthew McConaughey thinks procreation is a sport now"
Jul 23 2008Matthew McConaughey shouldn't be allowed in a delivery room
Matthew McConaughey's longtime girlfriend Camila Alves gave birth to their son Levi Alves McConaughey on July 7, and two weeks later, they popped him on the cover of OK! Magazine for a cool $3 mil. Thankfully, unlike the Jessica Alba and Jamie Lynn bullshit fests, this one is full of Matthew McConaughey ridiculousness. Turns out the dude's idea of Lamaze is throwing a rave between a woman's legs while she's giving birth. You can't make this stuff up. Scope out the highlights:
On coaching Camila:
"We found a great rhythm. Contractions started kicking in. I sat there with her, right between her legs. We got tribal on it, we danced to it! I was DJ-ing this Brazilian music."
On finding out it was a boy:
"I said, 'Come here, little man. I saw the pecker and screamed that we'd been right all along about him being a boy. Then I brought him over to her [Camila]."
On how long he's wanted to be a dad:
"I have it all chronicled. Becoming a dad is something I've dreamed of doing since I was 10. Becoming a father felt very, very natural. We were jamming!"
I will admit their baby is probably the cutest one I've had to look at during Celeb Uterus Summer Slam '08. Of course, I'm only saying that because Levi will grow up to be Earth's warrior king after he defeats the invading Martian army with a battle axe. Or he'll get really baked and live in a van on the beach with a pet ostrich. It's a toss up.
Jul 9 2008Matthew McConaughey reads The Bible?
Matthew McConaughey astounds me yet again by typing people words and claiming to have knowledge of The Bible. Here's his latest blog entry explaining how he chose Levi Alves McConaughey for his newborn son's name. I'm going to assume somebody ate a handful of mescaline then watched 6-8 hours of TBN:
"Levi" was another name for the apostle "Matthew" in the bible.... they were, in fact, two names for the same person... our son was born at 6:22 pm, and this particular "time" represents my favorite verse in the book of Matthew in the bible: "if thy eye be single, thy whole body will be full of light."
So, is Matthew "McConaughey" trying to tell us his kid "only" has one eye? Because I didn't "understand" a fucking thing that guy just said. I do know that Levi's going to be the only preschooler to talk non-stop on the spiritual lessons of Cookie Monster: "Man, I'm telling you, man. That sumbitch knows shit. It's like he's in my noggin', man, diggin' around. Telling me, yeah, I love cookies, but do I even know why there's a C in 'cookie,' man? KER-PSHH! Fries your freakin' Play-Doh, doesn't it?" Levi will later drop out of kindergarten after he realizes he's Jesus and just really likes nachos.
Jul 8 2008Matthew McConaughey & Camila Alves have a baby boy
Matthew McConaughey became the father of a baby boy last night after his girlfriend model Camila Alves gave birth. At the time of this post, no name was given yet for Tarzan Jr. who weighed in at 7 lb., 4 oz. but a statement was given to OK! Magazine by Matthew himself:
"A healthy baby boy was born," Matthew tells OK! in an exclusive statement. "Camila and I were side by side the entire time. We are both tired and elated, and are so happy to have created the greatest miracle in the world — Having a child and making a family. Now comes the greatest adventure — raising one, together."
He then added: "Also I totally downed a bunch of shrooms earlier, so this whole thing has tripped my shit. There was a baby coming out of a solar system that made me think I should buy a moped. But that's neither here nor there, broseph, because me and this tiny bald dude are going surfing then downing brewskis! HYEAAAAAAAH! GET SOME!" That child will dominate the world - at beer pong.
Congrats to Camila, Matt, and Future Naked Bongo Player.
Continue Reading "Matthew McConaughey & Camila Alves have a baby boy"
Jun 18 2008Matthew McConaughey isn't letting no baby stop his drinking
Matthew McConaughey may have a Tarzan baby gestating inside model Camila Alves, but that doesn't mean he can't get trashed in Nicaraqua and pick up chicks. He must've got that parenting book I sent him: "The Zen of Drinking your Way to Debilitating Child-Support Payments." Star reports:
"He was acting like an out-of-control 18-year-old," claims an eyewitness who was at the bar. "He already seemed to be drunk when he arrived alone, and he only got worse from there on. He was putting the make on every woman in his path, throwing his arms around them and trying to kiss them, and trying to dirty-dance with a few out on the floor. But he was a mess, slurring his words and stumbling around.
"A few minutes after he finally left the bar, someone found him searching through a sewage ditch outside. When they asked him what he was doing, he mumbled, 'I've lost my flip-flops!'"
You know who should really be responsible for a kid? People who lose their shoes in a sewer ditch. That's a winning combination right there. But seriously, I'm sending Matt "Daddy & Baby Velcro shirts" as a shower gift. That way he can carry two drinks at the bar, and it'll be like he never even fathered a child. Now that's practical.
Continue Reading "Matthew McConaughey isn't letting no baby stop his drinking"
Jan 31 2008Matthew McConaughey’s lady skills make me cry
And now’s the part of the day where I try and post something, anything, non-Britney Spears related. Here’s Matthew McConaughey with his ridiculously hot, but pregnant, girlfriend Camila Alves at the premiere of his new movie Fool’s Gold. Also in attendance is the surprisingly alive Malcolm-Jamal Warner. Take it away, Malcolm: “Bill Cosby hit me a with pudding pop.” Yeah, he did.
Continue Reading "Matthew McConaughey’s lady skills make me cry"
Jan 16 2008Matthew McConaughey reproduced
Matthew McConaughey and his girlfriend Brazilian model Camila Alves are expecting a baby. Tarzan announced the pregnancy on his website:
Got some blessed news. A celebration of life and bounty. Yes, my girlfriend Camila and I made a baby together. It's 3 months growin in her womb and all looks healthy and lively so far. We are stoked and wowed by this miracle of creation and this gift from God, and so excited for the adventure that will come in raising this child, being mother and a father, and shepherding him or her through this life. From moms and dads, to family, to community, it takes the best will and support from everyone to raise the healthiest children we have in society. Wish us the best, keep us in your prayers, and God bless evolution. Thanks for bein fans of me and my work and now this new and miraculous chapter in my life, as me and Camila and our child do our best to just keep livin. Wow, McConaughey.
After he finished writing, Mattew McConaughey ripped his shirt off and stabbed a wild boar with a boogie board. For such are the ways of his people.
