Nov 15 2009Britney Spears' breasts in a bikini aren't making me cry. What the...
Dear Britney,
Did you notice today how people stared at your chest and went "Hey, those are kind of awesome" instead of asking whether you're pointing at them or that guy over there? No, way over there.
That's what happens when you support those things. No foolin'. On that note, I'd tell you to write all this down but I don't want your kids seeing you choke on a pen cap after a full day of staring directly into your ass and realizing they'll never be innocent again.
Here to help,
The Superficial Writer
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Nov 13 2009Britney Spears gets chesty with the kids and other news
- Johnny Depp offers to make Nicolas Cage's money problems go away thus saving us all from Ghost Rider and National Treasure trilogies. [Lainey Gossip]
- Jon Gosselin is suing TLC for $5 million which should just about cover his first month of child support. Maybe. [PopEater]
- Christina Ricci will be nude in her next film. [Drunken Stepfather: Site is NSFW]
- Rihanna's new video for "Russian Roulette" premieres. [Just Jared]
- Nick Hogan doesn't even remember John Graziano's name. [Celebslam]
- Octomom wisely chooses to do talk show skits and let sane strangers raise her 800 kids. I'm all for this. [The Blemish]
- Madonna and Jesus Luz might be getting married tonight, so when the seas turn red later, remember who gave you the heads up. THIS GUY. [PopSugar]
- Katie Holmes apparently can look even less thrilled to be alive. Who knew? [Socialite Life]
- Levi Johnston attends A Palin Family Thanksgiving. [Betty Confidential]
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Nov 12 2009Britney Spears hearts Satan
Britney Spears' Twitter was apparently hacked this morning. As of this post it's plastered with a new Illuminati background and proclamations of her love for Satan:
i hope that the new world order will arrive as soon as possible! -Britney
I give myself to Lucifer every day for it to arrive as quickly as possible. Glory to Satan!
Some might say her publicists have finally let her write her own tweets, but I doubt Britney's thoughts would involve the New World Order unless it now includes prophecies of extra crispy with mashed potatoes. Then maybe.
Nov 10 2009Britney Spears in a bikini can't be healthy for her kids
Here's Britney Spears with her kids in Australia this morning, and once again she's subjecting their fragile little minds to her ass in a bikini. If it weren't for the fact they're essentially being raised by a revolving team of complete strangers, I'd probably be way more surprised they haven't turned to a life of a show tunes and axe murders by now.
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Nov 9 2009Britney Spears pisses off Australia
Setting back sensitive U.S./Aussie relations that almost manifested in a fourth Crocodile Dundee movie, angry fans stormed out of Britney Spears' concert in Australia Friday night demanding their money back, according to The Sunday Telegraph:
Spears mimed most of her songs on stage, singing only on ballads. Among fans who walked out early was Amanda Hawlet, 22, who drove from home two hours away and spent almost $500 on a weekend to see Britney. She left only half an hour into the action, angry at the miming.
"I want my money back or I want her to sing properly," she said. "The ticket cost me $200 and she lip-synched the whole thing. It's cost me half a week's wage and you've got bills to pay, but you look forward to this concert, it's a night out - and what do you get? Nothing! It was a waste of $200 - I could have got four pairs of shoes for that."
The lack of big screens - masking Spears' miming and taking the focus away from her rigid performance - left many in the cheap seats fuming. Fans complained that the US pop star spent large portions of the in-the-round show with her back to them.
"You couldn't tell if it was Britney or not," Mel McGuigan, 25, said.
In Britney's defense, what exactly were these people hoping to see? Singing? Dancing? Professionalism? HA! That's like going to a strip club and honestly expecting one of the dancers to let you take her out sometime. Except that's a bad analogy because that's really going to happen to me. Just 20, maybe 30, more lap dances. I can feel it.
Nov 6 2009Britney Spears' lip-syncing pisses off Australian gov't
An Australian government official has made the astute observation that Britney Spears fans are basically morons who have no idea she's lip-syncing her entire stage show, according to People:
Virginia Judge, the Minister for Fair Trading for New South Wales (the Australian state that includes Sydney), said she is considering options to make sure fans aren't misled when buying tickets to Britney's Circus tour concerts. Some seats are going for more than $1,300.
"It is Britney's 'prerogative' to lip-sync, and it is my job to make sure consumers know what they are paying for up front," Judge said in a statement released by the government.
One idea is to require disclaimers on promotional materials and tickets indicating that portions of a show will be pre-recorded.
Here's what I don't get: With the vast array of technology used to make it look like Britney Spears can sing, dance and not murder her children with a bucket of chicken, do they even really need her at this point? They could probably replace her with a cat and save a shitload of money on Starbucks expenditures alone. People would be like, "Hey, did you get the new singing cat album?" and I'd be all "Meow, yeah!" because that's how popular it would be. True story.
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Nov 5 2009'One due east, and one due south,' he said. 'That be her calling card.'
Here's a braless Britney Spears in Australia this morning and I just realized something: If her breasts were guns on a battleship, she'd be perfect for covert missions. One would destroy the enemy, while the other would take out her own ship leaving zero evidence behind. Seriously, has the Pentagon seen these? Because I'm pretty sure my obsession with tits just won the War on Terror. Like I told them I would. Who's the pervert trying to get out of paying taxes now, Washington?
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Nov 4 2009Rihanna: 'I felt like Britney Spears'
Rihanna opens up to Glamour about the days after the night Chris Brown brutally beat her after a Pre-Grammys party in February:
It has taught me so much. I felt like I went to sleep as Rihanna and woke up as Britney Spears. That was the level of media chaos that happened the next day. It was like, What, there are helicopters circling my house? There are 100 people in my cul-de-sac? What do you mean, I can't go back home?
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Look, I understand that an abusive experience like this does a number on a woman's self-esteem. You start to think "Did I deserve this? Is this my fault?" which is a completely normal reaction even though the answer to both is an emphatic "no." But equating yourself to Britney Spears? I can't even fahtom going to a place that dark. Damn you, Chris Brown! Damn you to hell!
