Jun 11 2009Pete Wentz & Ashlee Simpson fight bigotry. I think.
- Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson campaign for marriage equality by putting tape over their mouths. Is it because they're both women? I'm confused. [Pink is the New Blog]
- Chastity Bono is getting a sex change operation. No! Then she'll figure out we're obsessed with breasts. Dammit, years of stealth operations down the drain. [ICYDK]
- Kristen Stewart's Joan Jett haircut angers Twi-hards. Unfortunately, they read the pansy vampire books and will probably jsut resort to bitching on the Internet. Instead of cutting themselves. Prove me right! [Lainey Gossip]
- Bret Michaels posts pictures of his broken nose which is really just an elaborate ruse to cover up the VD. Well played, Bret Michaels. Well played. [Just Jared]
- Billy Ray Cyrus is happy Miley left Justin Gaston for Nick Jonas. He can kick that kid's ass without even leaving the La-Z-boy. True story. [Celebslam]
- Jon Hamm photographed on the set of Mad Men. Because there's nothing like a full hour of smoking and misogyny. [PopSugar]
Jun 8 2009Bret Michaels gets his ass kicked - by scenery
While performing with Poison at the Tony Awards last night, Bret Michaels walked smack into a descending backdrop as the band exited the stage. -- Wait a minute. Why the hell is Poison performing at the Tony Awards? I don't remember there being tractor pulls and corn dogs on Broadway. Then again, there are lots of people with wigs, so that explains Bret...
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Apr 7 2009Eminem still alive, releases video
Eminem released his latest video "We Made You" today which includes him making fun of various celebs from Kim Kardashian to Jessica Simpson and offering to bang Sarah Palin. That said, I'd probably enjoy this more if I were an ironically racist drop-out working at Wal-Mart in Alabama. Ha ha, just kidding. It could be any Wal-Mart.
EDIT: Posted new video. Should do the trick.
Mar 27 2009Bret Michaels is a Beautiful Woman: The Book
People might have got a hold of the cover to Bret Michael's upcoming book Roses & Thorns, but thanks to my ability to make promises of mascara, The Superficial has obtained the full chapter list for what will, no doubt, be an epic tome of music and unprotected sex with illiterate county fair attendees:
I. I'm Not Bald
II. Full Head of Hair
III. Bandanas and the Art of Not Looking Bald - Which I'm Not
IV. Strippers Are People, Too. Sort Of.
V. Eyeliner Doesn't Make You Gay. (See Chapter IV.)
VI. Being Honest With Yourself: Bret, You Have Luscious Real Locks of Hair
VII. Venereal Disease: Never Heard of It
VIII. Every Rose Has Its Thorn (I'm Contractually Obligated To Mention That Song 25 Times a Day.)
IX. Rock of Love: I Can't Believe They Named a Show After My Penis - And You Watched It
X. Dasiy De La Hoya Might've Been a Dude. I Don't Remember (Thanks, Jager!)
XI. Male Pattern Baldness: The Government Conspiracy. Or So I Hear. From Other People.
XII. Lyrics to Unskinny Bop
Feb 3 2009Bret Michaels wants to put his thorn in Jennifer Aniston's rose
Also at the premiere of He's Just Not That Into You which Celebuzz reports she didn't even stay and watch, was Jennifer Aniston who's got herself a new admirer in Bret Michaels. You gotta admire the man's horribly-placed confidence. NY Daily News reports:
“Bret is really crushing on Jen,” a pal of Michaels confides. “He says she’s the kind of girl you can have a good time with, but can still take home to Mom.”
But despite the fact he's got more STD's than Paris Hilton duct-taped to Pamela Anderson, Bret might actually have a chance. John Mayer is starting to get sick of being a dull, ineffectual knife wielded at Brad Pitt:
“John’s goal is to keep a low profile this year, and Jen is about as far off from low-profile as you can get,” a source tells us. “He just wants to keep out of the spotlight and finally concentrate on his music.”
Mayer is working on an album tentatively titled “Battle Studies,” a followup to 2006’s “Continuum.” “He’s always in and out of the studio,” a second insider reveals. “That’s his focus.”
Of course, there's only one legally binding way to settle this: A battle of the bands. Whoever transforms a cop car into a hot tub full of bikini babes with their rock wins Jennifer as his lusty wench. Because, sometimes, the old-fashioned ways are the most romantic ways. Until the cocaine wears off and Vince Neil's all like "Hey, let's go to Denny's."
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Jul 17 2008Bret Michaels gets a third chance to bang more strippers on national television
Bret Michaels and Ambre Lake, the "winner" of Rock of Love 2, have broken up. I guess every rose does have its thorn. And that thorn is made of total manufactured bullshit needed to launch a third season of Bret's reality show. People reports:
Lake, who recently moved to L.A. from her native Chicago to pursue her career, also made it clear that she completely backs Michaels’s decision to take the show on the road for a third installment. This time it’s called Rock of Love Bus with Bret Michaels and the women vying for his affection will follow the rocker on a month-long tour across the country.
“Third time’s the charm!” says Lake, who plans to watch the new season and is happy to be a sounding board for Michaels. “I can’t stress enough that I support his decision. He’s going to take it on the road, and that’s where he spends the majority of his life. What a great concept.”
Yes, what a great concept indeed - for Bret Michaels. Has anyone ever seen the show? Here's the formula to pretty much every episode. And if someone you know actually thinks this shit is real, you owe it to them to push them out of a moving vehicle:
-Bret packs a mansion with strippers, single moms and former Playboy Playmates. At least one of these women will look like she's straight out of a Whitesnake video and/or used to be named Bill.
-The gaggle of whores compete in Road Rules-esque challenges that are so asinine Bret doesn't even pretend to watch them while the show's filming and, instead, rides his motorcycle around in circles.
-Catfights break out. Usually about who really loves Bret and who's here to be on TV. (Hint: They're mostly Shot of Love with Tila Tequila rejects. Except for the one psycho that's allowed on each season to stir things up. She truly does love Bret and, if the producers cross their fingers hard enough, will stab a stripper to prove it.)
-Bret goes on a private date. Gets laid in a limo, haystack, or Ed Hardy dressing room.
-Bret eliminates a lady (Typically the one he just nailed.) while shedding a well-timed tear or two when really he can't wait to stop filming so he can bang a hotel room full of groupies from the last county fair he just played.
I guess what I'm trying to say is: Jesus walks among us, my friends. And he wears a wig.
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Mar 4 2008Daisy de la Hoya into geological objects of love
Meet Daisy de la Hoya. She's not only the niece of Oscar de la Hoya, but she's currently competing on VH1's Rock of Love 2 with Bret Michaels. I never watch the show - except for every goddamn day! Inna instead of that bitch Kristy Joe? Seriously, Bret, loosen that bald-dana. Anyway, I hope Daisy wins. That way when Bret dies of old age next year, Daisy will remember my kind words and totally make out with me. Preferably somewhere romantic like a Port-a-John at a Van Halen concert. With a woman like this, it's all about finesse.
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