May 20 2008Kelly Brook in a bikini! And, oh yeah, something about Billy Zane, I dunno
Kelly Brook has reunited with Billy Zane after dumping him then getting super jealous when he started dating someone else. True story, according to News of the World:
They kept the break-up secret for two months and remained friends, with Billy even telling her about his new love. Gradually, she realised she wanted him back and set about wooing him over a series of long-distance phone calls to South Africa, where Billy has been filming new movie Surviving Evil.
Pals are shocked by her decision though. The source added: "Kelly could have any man in the world. She's panicked but we feel she should have moved on. It's clear he had."
Okay, first, yes, I incorrectly reported that Billy dumped Kelly. Why I would think a man of that baldness would dump a girl of such boobness is beyond me. I blame the drink. Anyway, can you imagine being wooed by Kelly Brook? The girl thinks sex is an aerobic activity. What does she do for wooing? I bet it's something really awesome. Like baking cookies or taking pictures of herself playing Mario Kart naked. Holy shit, hottest sentence I've ever written! This one's going on the fridge....
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Apr 23 2008Kelly Brook dumped by idiot Billy Zane
Billy Zane just doomed himself to a lonely, bald existence after calling off the engagement to British actress/model Kelly Brook. Think of her as an English Kim Kardashian. But, you know, healthy and not walking a razor's edge towards morbid obesity. Us Magazine reports:
"We can confirm that Kelly and Billy have split," Brook's manager, John Fowler, tells Usmagazine.com.
Brook wasn’t wearing her engagement ring at a TV awards show on Sunday, according to British reports.
Okay, how do you ditch a girl like Kelly? She A.) thinks sex is a form of aerobics and B.) is practically a nudist. Wow, I mean, Kelly, if you're reading this, I would totally appreciate all your wonderful talents. I'd think you'd find me a kind, considerate, gentlemanly suitor whose attentive to a woman's needs. So, that said, visit me at my personal website **** I BANG LIMEYS DOT COM for good time romance of the heart. See there you!
Jan 3 2008Kelly Brook likes to torture Billy Zane
Kelly Brook put on a new bikini and enjoyed some more of her St. Barts vacation with boyfriend Billy Zane yesterday. But apparently Kelly’s idea of a good time is cramming sand down Billy’s crotch, according to the Daily Mail:
Instead it was all good clean fun as Kelly took great delight shoving handfuls of wet sand inside Billy's loose-fitting swimming shorts while he looked on somewhat bemused.
If I were Billy Zane, I’d look on bemusingly as well, if that were a word. By all normal laws of science he should be cleaning shoes at the bowling alley. Instead he’s got a busty British actress girlfriend that, yeah, maybe puts sand on his nads. Sometimes you have to make sacrifices. Very itchy sacrifices that will totally chafe afterwards. I should know. I dated a sandcastle artist once. My taint still feels like the Sahara.
Jan 2 2008Kelly Brook takes Billy Zane to Bikini-town
British actress Kelly Brook spent yesterday with her boyfriend Billy Zane in the French West Indies. I have to say I admire Billy Zane. Not because Kelly Brook believes sex is a form of daily aerobics, but because he’s not afraid to show off his baldness. You see Billy used to rock the completely shaved and shined dome. I guess one day Billy Zane decided he didn’t want to look awesome anymore and instead wanted to look like, I dunno, my dad. Wise move, Billy. No one gets action like my old man. And by action I mean DUI’s. I think he’s up to 10.
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