Feb 17 2009Katy Perry on Benji Madden: 'Helllll no.'

Despite publicly proclaiming she prefers vagina over Benji Madden, Katy Perry took to her blog yesterday to set the record straight about their alleged hook-up:

oh kittens! It’s two pseudo famous people sitting next to each other… doesn’t mean we were bumping uglies! You know I don’t just do that with anyone! That’s just how the media works, as you can tell. I was there celebrating a really fun show and a boozy valentines with all my good friends. We were like a group of 25! Benji is a nice young fellow, but my heart really belongs to kitty purry/markus molinari. Hope your vagina day was as FUN as mine.

In Katy Perry's defense, that's just smart marketing. She can't have male fans losing interest because they assume her lady parts have been turned into a Paris Hilton-esque bayou complete with crocodiles and Swamp Thing.

Always use a condom, kids.

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Feb 15 2009Benji Madden turns Katy Perry into a lesbian

Benji Madden attempted to pick up Katy Perry last night at LAVO in Vegas prompting her to loudly proclaim her love of women to the crowd, according to TMZ:

"Happy Vagina Day... Fuck boys. We don't need boys -- we got girls!"

I guess this explains her outfit. If it were 1985. But, seriously, leave it to Benji Madden to turn anyone off to men. I'm surprised he's not being paid by Rick Warren to "cure" gay guys. Not that I support that kind of thing, but let's not pretend it wouldn't work. Tom Cruise is looking at these pics right now and thinking about having sex with Katie Holmes. - - Or maybe just a hug. Just a hug.

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Jan 5 2009Benji Madden to ensure niece Harlow dates Mr. Right

Benji Madden has devoted himself to protecting the honor of his niece Harlow Winter Kate Madden, according to People:

"I'm going to be keeping a close eye on her," Madden, 29, tells PEOPLE of the daughter of twin brother Joel Madden and his girlfriend Nicole Richie, 27. "I'll leave the shotgun right by the door."

Anyone else find it ironic that the guy who had sex with Paris Hilton is going to be dishing out dating advice? Then again, he does have access to a great object lesson.

BENJI: Nice to meet you, Timmy. Now before you take my niece out, I want to teach you kids a lesson about pre-marital intercourse. *unzips pants*
TIMMY: Jesus! What did you do? Wrap it in tin-foil then put it in the microwave?
BENJI: Something like that.

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Dec 22 2008Paris Hilton & Benji Madden still doin' it

Realizing no one outside of the free clinic will touch them, Paris Hilton and Benji Madden have started having sleepovers together, according to NY Daily News:

“They are completely still hooking up,” one source tells us, adding, “They aren’t exclusive, but they are still spending nights at each other’s houses.” Agrees a Hilton pal, “They speak literally every night on the phone.”

Well, at least we know Benji Madden isn't dating Britney Spears. That would require him to take his penis out of Paris Hilton - or would it?

NOTE: Yes, that's Ryan Seacrest in these photos finally hanging with the cool kids. But not really.

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Dec 19 2008Britney Spears & Benji Madden: Sure, why not?

There's about to be a gunfight at the Herp-K Corral. Britney Spears and Benji Madden have been "secretly dating," according to In Touch. The two were supposedly hooked up by Britney's manager Larry Rudolph who's hoping to use their relationship to promote her upcoming tour. Via PopCrunch:

“They’ve been on a few dates,” a snitch close to Madden revealed in the December 29 edition of the tab. “They met once at The Peninsula Hotel in Beverly Hills for dinner in a hotel suite.”
So far, things are blossoming smoothly for the rumored lovers.
“She appears to like Benji a lot, and he seems to really like her.”
According to the In Touch spy, Britney’s manager worked with Papa Jamie Spears to create a list of potential boyfriends for the pop icon. In addition to Benji, the list also included Gossip Girl star Chace Crawford, actor Jesse Metcalf, and Olympian Michael Phelps.
“Larry made some phone calls and Benji ended up being the most interested in being fixed up.”

Of course, Benji Madden was the most interested. He just got dumped by Paris Hilton. If somebody asked him "Hey, Benji, want to date a ham sandwich?", he'd probably throw on a tux and buy flowers. I mean, God, he just wants someone to hold him close and say "Everything's gonna be alright - unless you're having an outbreak then, Jesus Christ, get off my bed." Is that too much to ask? *sigh*

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Dec 16 2008Paris Hilton & Benji Madden making sweet, diseased love again?

Paris Hilton and Benji Madden both attended the grand opening of the Dolce & Gabanna boutique on Robertson Boulevard last night. He arrived with Joel Madden and Nicole Richie who ignored Paris, but Benji went over and the two reportedly slipped off to a private corner, according to E! Online:

The usually photo-happy heiress waved off photogs as the former couple chatted cozily together. After grabbing drinks at the bar, Paris quickly approached Nicole to say hi, and then she and Benji headed out to the smoking patio for some more quiet conversation.
Both Paris and Benji looked happy and friendly as they hung together, but when asked if she and Benji were getting back together, all Paris offered was a knowing smile.

Is anyone surprised by this turn of events? Me neither, so let's focus on the real issues here: Namely Paris Hilton having the grossest armpits I've ever seen in my life. If an alien had sex with an uncooked turkey, this is what their child would look like - provided the mother drank a lot.

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Dec 2 2008Paris Hilton: Not ready for dating, but who's up for some whoring?

Paris Hilton is in no rush to replace Benji Madden. In fact, she's downright repulsed by the thought of another relationship, according to The Sun:

“I don't have dating on my mind at all. Just the thought of dating someone else grosses me out.
“No way.”

However, what doesn't gross Paris out is pushing the ol' girls up and hitting Bardot nightclub in LA last night. Sure, maybe she had sex with three bartenders, the coat check guy and, let's assume, David Spade, but at least she's not being monogamous again. That's just nasty.

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Nov 21 2008Paris Hilton & Benji Madden 'just taking a break'

Paris Hilton called into Ryan Seacrest's radio show this morning to set the record straight on her relationship with Benji Madden. Supposedly, the two are "just talking a break," and Paris hinted they could get back together, according to E! News:

"He is an incredible person, and we will always be really close," Hilton said. "We will see what happens in the future. I am still in love with him."
As for why they decided to go their separate ways for now...
"He has been working nonstop with his brother on his new record. I am working and traveling," she said. "All these reports that say I dumped him aren't true. This is a decision we made together as adults."

The last time I was on a "break" from a relationship, I sat around in my boxers for days on end building LEGOs and watching porn. (Its been five years, but I know she'll call me back as soon as her husband gives her the message.) I'm sure Benji Madden's doing the same thing - or he's frantically searching for a hooker that won't make him wear a HAZMAT suit. I'm not a mind reader.

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