Jul 16 2008Andy Dick arrested for sexually assaulting a minor

Andy Dick has finally grabbed the wrong pair of breasts. His drunken asshole antics got him arrested today after Andy walked out of a bar and pulled down a 17-year-old girl's top and bra, according to the AP:

Police were called to the Buffalo Wild Wings in Murrieta at about 1:13 a.m. to investigate a report of "an intoxicated male" urinating outside the bar and causing a disturbance, according to a police statement.
When they arrived, a 17-year-old girl told police that she was outside when Dick left the bar, walked up, "grabbed her tank top and bra and pulled them down and exposed her breasts," the statement said.
Dick was identified by the teenager and a witness, police said. Marijuana and the drug Xanax were found his pants pockets during a search and he appeared "extremely intoxicated," police said.

I'd say "extremely intoxicated" is an understatement. Judging by the mug shot above, Andy Dick probably thinks he's on the planet sanctuary moon of Endor. Now where's that Ewok he tried to fondle? And what is this strange tree he's inside of with this bald, tattooed gentleman who wants to snuggle?*

*Please, join me in prayer that this man is the "shiv you in the abdomen" type. Amen.

Jul 17 2007Jon Lovitz beats up Andy Dick

Jon Lovitz beat up Andy Dick last week at the Laugh Factory after Dick made a comment about the murder of Lovitz' SNL friend, Phil Hartman. Apparently last year Andy Dick went up to Jon Lovitz and, according to Lovitz, "looked at me and said, 'I put the "Phil Hartman hex" on you - you're the next one to die.' I said, 'What did you say?' and he repeated it. I wanted to punch his face in, but I don't hit women." Then when the two ran into each other at the Laugh Factory last Wednesday, Lovitz was expecting an apology for the comment and when he didn't get one he flipped out. Page Six reports:

Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, who witnessed the assault, said, "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." Lovitz told Page Six, "All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole."

This one's a no-brainer. Andy Dick is the biggest waste of human life since OJ Simpson and Jon Lovitz is awesome. Plus he was in those Subway commercials. Trying to figure out who to root for in this one is like trying to decide between a cute little kitten playing with a ball of yarn and Hitler.

Feb 5 2007Andy Dick tries to molest Ivanka Trump

Andy Dick was dragged off Jimmy Kimmel Live last week after he kept touching Ivanka Trump. It's especially pathetic because you know this is him trying to prove he's straight. Only he has no idea how to be straight, so this is what he learned from a book. Probably the same one Tom Cruise read.

Dec 5 2006Andy Dick hops on the bandwagon

Andy Dick pulled a Kramer over the weekend when he hopped onstage at L.A.'s Improv comedy club and started dropping n-bombs. He was heckling comedian Ian Bagg when he allegedly got out of his seat, jumped onstage, and began joking with Bagg. As he was exiting the stage he suddenly grabbed the mic and shouted at the crowd, "You're all a bunch of niggers!"

The stunned crowd gasped and stared at each other. Bagg tried to play it cool and move on with his set, but the laughs weren't there.

Sadly this is still the least embarrassing thing Andy Dick has done in his entire life. The guy can't go three months without groping Pamela Anderson's breasts or licking somebody's face or getting beat up. They should teach a course on how not to live your life and the entire lesson would be watching a documentary on Andy Dick.

Aug 15 2006Andy Dick does stuff at the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner

Andy Dick did his usual thing at the Comedy Central roast of William Shatner Sunday night, licking the faces of Farrah Fawcett, Carrie Fisher, and Patton Oswalt, and then harrassing reporter Mandy Stadtmiller backstage at the afterparty by peeing in front of her and biting her hand.

A drunken Dick groped an appalled Stadtmiller, tried to kiss her, proclaimed his love for her and finally bit her hand. "Baby please," Dick repeated six times. "Put in something nice," he said after urinating in front of the horrified journalist in his dressing room and offering her cocaine. "They're so mean," he ranted. "I'm not weird. Maybe I'm a little weird, they make me out to be a monster, I'm not a monster . . . I just want to have fun, baby please." Dick, who performed his roast routine dressed in full Trekkie regalia, said that he downed two vodka cranberries to give him the courage to talk to fellow roaster Fawcett - of whom he said, "I'm going to [bleep] the [bleep] out of. Put that in Page 6, 7 and 8, that's how big my [bleep] is." Explaining to Stadtmiller why he urinated in front of her, Dick said, "You know why I don't close the door? Because then people think I'm doing drugs, and I want you to know I'm just normal." And why did Dick go on his licking spree? "I was doing it because I was desperately trying to tie the show together like a fisherman with tuna, and you're a little piece of fresh tuna," Dick told Stadtmiller. "But thanks for asking. Do you want me to lick your face now?" No, Stadtmiller said - "but he can pay for that tetanus shot," she told us. Dick's camp had no comment.

You can never tell if Andy Dick is drunk or high or just being an ass. How does this guy get away with groping women's breasts and licking people's faces? I do it at clubs and I get punched in the throat and thrown out the back. Andy Dick does it and he gets a hearty chuckle and an invitation back.

UPDATE: Check out the video of Andy Dick licking people after the jump. Thanks to the ruggedly handsome Scott for the tip.

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May 1 2006The Superficial Ketchup

• In case you haven't seen it, here's Stephen Colbert's speech at the White House Correspondents’ dinner. Everybody's going crazy over this so if you haven't seen it by the end of the day you're officially a loser. [Hedonistica]

• Rosie O’Donnell’s new contract as cohost of The View says she isn't allowed to cut her hair short. A smart move on ABC's part, considering her short hair has long been rumored to be the source of her angry-lesbian power. [Fox News]

• Paris Hilton thinks smoking is cool. Another winning idea from the woman who brought you sparkling wine in a can. [Female First]

• New footage from X-Men 3 features Wolverine decapitating a Sentinel. Just in case you weren't entirely positive Brett Ratner was capable of screwing up a sure thing. [I Watch Stuff!]

• When not confusing people with his sexuality, Andy Dick likes to get into fights with producers at bars. [TMZ]