Dec 1 2008The Superficial Wants to Botox You in the Face - Officially Ends!

See, my farts do smell like roses

this is interesting.

I am not posting a caption for the top photo. The Superficial is not getting my real e-mail address.

Haha suckers!

I would sit down... but there's nothing to sit on.

Nothing tickles more... than crabs on your thighs

I would sit down... but there's nothing to sit on.

Nothing tickles more... than crabs on your thighs

Paris immediately regretted speaking out on her urinary incontinence and agreeing to be the new spokeswoman for Depends.

Tip slip!

"I think I just leaked" chough@palms.net

I think I lost my ben wa ball? Have you seen it?

Paris: ooooo.....i gotta pee so bad
Girl on right looking at Paris' crotch.....too late.

See, girls? It looks just like that guy's armpit!

"Let's all get high and look at my vagina"

Instead of, "From there our crack team"... the Fishes post should read, "From there our team on crack"

That's it ...just keep smiling Paris, maybe no one will realize you just SHAT yourself....

I just let one rip, That's Hot!

"Sorry, haven't shaved my kitty in a while...a Loooong while. Go HIPPIES!" (yanks out hairy fur ball between thighs)

Paris Hilton - "See, Girls Poop Too!!"

Move your head, bitch. You're blockin my upskirt.

I'm sorry, but I think I just got Herpes on your seat.

Sure you can borrow it, but it'll need fresh batteries.

Damn, that was a good burrito.....

.

Do you want to be my new BFF?
We can wear silly headbands together.

Yes, I did have the chili. Why?

Yes, I did have the chili. Why?

Paris Hilton taking a dump in the back of a convertible, thanks to botox, you can't even see her face straining.

Oops, I just farted...

the only kind of sex paris should be having is with a senso ring.

No thanks, only thing I need botox on is my wrinkly balls

" I think I just queefed"

Tina Fey Was Right, Paris IS a Tranny!

I have to pee!! Can somebody shove a fire hose up my pussy? Why? It's the only drainage thingy that won't fall out.

Annnnd this is what it'll look like when you reach my age.....yeah the curtains tend to get a bit tattered...what can I say, it's a occupational hazard.

Tina Fey Was Right, Paris IS a Tranny!

got malibu barbie? stiff arms and legs, fake tan, plastic face and a fabulous 80's outfit!

::::::GO SHORTY, GO SHORTY, we're gonna party like it's your birthday!!!::::::::

ooops. wrong rapper guy. my bad.

Good evening, I'm Pocahontas and I'll be your cocktail waitress.

"Paris Hilton has gremlin face-widening surgery"

i'm so sorry, i accidentally just did your boyfriend. happy birthday.

Ooops! I just sat on Benji!

I've got a mangina!

Tinkerbelll.....time to come out now...

Rich young chick: What's that smell?
Paris: What smell?
Rich young chick: And why is there a flock of seagulls following you?
Paris: Oh no! I forgot my panties again, RUN!!!

Paris Hilton attempts to demonstrate the nationality of her new boyfriend Nick.

I love showing you young girls how to unscrew the top of a big pickle jar with just your va-jay-jay. That vinegar smell is the pickles girls, and not the industrial strength crotch clean that the Superficial Writer likes to sniff so much. Opps, maybe I'm wrong! Stand back, watch your eyes, careful of the fumes. Damn that crotch clean and its minor side affects, you girls should be able to see again in a couple days....sorry..hehehe

Paris Hilton attempts to demonstrate the nationality of her new boyfriend Nick.

Like, you guys wanna see something REALLY gross?

"Hey girls look! I tricked the Superficial Guy, no couchie tonight, I am wearing panties!"

Rich young chick: What's that smell?
Paris: What smell?
Rich young chick: And why is there a flock of seagulls following you?
Paris: Oh no! I forgot my panties again, RUN!!!

Why, yes, I do have crabs. How sweet of you to notice!

Alternately:

This headband is holding on my weave, gals! Shhh...

Holy shit, I just sharded.

Paris Hilton, Angel of Whorish, spreads her ways to the youth of America

"Oh how hot is this, my panties match your leopard-print scarf"
"Paris, you're not wearing panties, those spots are on your skin"
"Yeah. you need to see a physician, I think you have a venereal disease"
"It's so hot that we match though, right?"

Damn..oh..wait..yeah I think I found it..nope that's not it...oh come on..ahhhh..there it is..damn strap on. go get my bff...

Damn..oh..wait..yeah I think I found it..nope that's not it...oh come on..ahhhh..there it is..damn strap on. go get my bff...

Shoulda used Preparation-H...

Pari Hilton Explains Why it is So Important to Always Use a Condom..

"What's that? No, I don't smell anything."

Paris Hilton is the princess of constipation.

all these captions are FAIL

here, let me slide my seat forward to make room for that chin......wait, did you just shart?

No herpes are no match for CONAN THE DESTROYER!!!!!!

Oh sorry ladies.. I had a little too much to drink and didn't notice Benji's strap on got stuck in my ass. I'd get it removed but the doctors won't go near my herpes garden. You know... It happens. We're still BFFs right???

See that "car" over my shoulder? Yea, well it's really a pimped out toilet. The "door handle" actually flushes AND douches you (with evian water of course) at the same time. I got dibs next!

See, how all these ugly fuckers on this site want a free botox.

I hope this doesn't come out an S.B.D.

Well, the directions say to remain in this position until I have the urge to move my bowels.

"Excuse me ladies, but have you see one of these?" said the Paris-Hilton-tribute tranny.

Herpes are no match for CONAN THE DESTROYER!!!!!!

Too much back-door action spoils the moment for Paris' sparkly head gear.

"Now that you're 16 I'll teach you how to get publicity"

Herpes are no match for CONAN THE DESTROYER!!!!!!

"You're daddy paid me $250,000 to make an appearance, so the least you could do is look excited to see me"

Paris Hilton is an Ass Hat

Will you snap a picture of me by that guys pit stain? Dirty people are so funny - god, he's probably poor, too.

"No silly... it's me Paris...not Mushy Fartone!"

okay girls, the next challenge to see who will become my new BFF is this: I just farted and you have to guess what I ate for breakfast. good luck ladies!

okay girls, the next challenge to see who will become my new BFF is this: I just farted and you have to guess what I ate for breakfast. good luck ladies!

Valtrex let's me sit down worry free in strange cars again!

Paris Hilton makes goofy face, then stands in awkward fashion, to distract onlookers from chin zit.

Look where I stuffed your birthday present.

In her ongoing quest to steal some spotlight back from Kim Kardashian, Paris finds an empty seat while waiting for her turn to audition for Dancing with the Stars. Her partner, Michael Lohan, stretches in the background.

"excuse me ladies,i think i sharted,hehe."

This band squeezed my brains out... Or did I ever had them?

Paris Hilton: "If you wanna be my new BFF, clean up my shit! No, I'm not kidding, clean it up before The Superficial finds out."

LOOK! I do it just like my eyelashes except up-and-down!

Hey new BFF, do you like my diamond encrusted beak enlarger?

Paris Hilton reveals she is actually Clay Face in disguise.

How ironic, a site about how superficial all of these celebrities are, and everyone clambering to get free botex.

Paris Hilton (left) takes time from her busy schedule to educate local teens (right) on the (vagina ravaging) dangers of a decade of untreated venereal disease.

"Hi girls, my penis is bigger than yours"

"Excuse me, ladies... have either of you seen my panties? I seem to have lost them... again! Hehehe..."

Ohhhh... I have done something Funny in my Panties...

I agree all these comments fail so much. Just jokes about pissing and shitting? Jesus, how fucking original. Why don't you say she's fat next. Think outside the box! Oh, wait, you're all competing for free botox.

damn itch.

"Paris Hiltons farts... declares it 'HOT'!"

"Paris Hiltons farts... declares it 'HOT'!"

Perhaps a byproduct of her genetic memory of being conceived over a dead cow, nothing in the world amuses Paris more than farting on leather.

Who in the hell wants Botox as a prize? Worst. Contest. Ever.

"I have to pee so bad...but I'm holding it as LONG as possible because it burns when I pee."

Want to know what I got you for your Birthday,girlfriend?
A complete set of, His and Herpes, bath towels.
Can you introduce me to your dad?

Has anyone seen Benji??? Tell him I want my anal virginity back!!!

Hey bwes fwend! Botwox???? yeah wite... like bwi need bwotox!

My chasity belt isn't supposed to be around my head??? But really I am a virgin!!!

Is my shitty caption less shitty if i post 3 times?

Paris knew she was lied to about wearing a tight headband would ease the pain of a herpes blistered vulva, but she kept up a brave front.

"this is where dicks go to die. right here"

Caption contest

"No really, now squeeze the right one. It's even perkier!"

Paris discusses the importance of being modest

Paris discusses the importance of modesty

Paris discusses the importance of modesty

You motherfuckers are so stupid!
Who the fuck wants fuckin botox as a fuckin prize???
Stick it up your ass Fish!!!
You fucking need botox for your fuckin jokes and comments cause they aren't fuckin funny, you fag!!!
What a load of shit!!!

Paris should have used preparation H.

Paris demonstrates her uncanny impersonation of Heidi Montag farting.

#20 should win. It made me laugh out loud. The others suck.

Paris pees on new BFF's $2000 silky black dress...and she LIKED it!

"you see the man behind me with sweaty stinky pits? Well my vagina-dick just armpit fucked him and its growing a baby arm!" :D

paris hilton caught crop dusting sweet 16!

Inability to sit down from swelling- check.

Permapuke look on her face- check.

Subconsciously picking pink in remembrance- check.

The aftermath of rebound anal sex with Criss Angel to spite Benji- checkmate.

Paris Hilton confesses Benji wasn't sponge worthy

Paris Hilton confesses Benji wasn't sponge worthy

*edit

Paris demonstrates her uncanny impersonation of Heidi Montag taking a shit.

Excuse me ladies, I think my Activia yogurt diet is starting to catch up with me. BRB.

Hey Rocky, watch me pull Cousin Itt out of my devil's hole!

Paris, smiling disingenuously, excuses herself upon finding out that this wasn't THAT kind out crystal rock party...

See, my headband matches my cock ring.

Paris attends teenage birthday, sports dress and acne to match

"Oops, sorry. All that apple cider has made me a bit queefy!"

Paris Hilton just sharted. Thank God she has sworn off panties. Poop stains are a bitch!

Damn! You can't see my bitchin' legwarmers in this picture.

Paris Hilton gives innocent bystanders Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by showing them her "Ping Pong Ball Trick" (No Paddles Involved)

"Does this look infected to you?"

"Oops! Something just popped loose... can I borrow your dad's bedazzler?"

#20 is funny. The rest, no so much.

Thanks for keeping my seat warm, now back in the backseat bitch!

I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!

Paris took the whole "Free Spirit" look a little too far when she farted in the car

I did think outside the box but they censored me because it used the "N-word." I can't help it if that's the way she talks.

"And that convenes my lesson on being famous for making a home-made porn"...booyaah!!!

Paris Hilton lifts skirt.. inadvertently opens doorway to seventh ring of hell..

BREAKING NEWS: Two women successfully brave Paris Hilton's ungodly company without HAZMAT suits!

I vote for number 20. It's the only one that made me laugh.

Sorry, your car wasn't supposed to pop out of my Vagina until midnight.

Paris Hilton always looks like she's sitting down onto a giant dildo.

Paris Hilton explaining/showing her paid-for friends what New Jersey smells like.

Paris - I use the Nuva Ring brtrh control.........wanna see it?

"Woops penis almost slipped out"
"penis...getting...erect..must..hide.."

Hey yo...The curtains don't match the carpet people!!!

Hey yo...The curtains don't match the carpet people!!!

mmm hmmm... i'm going to eat you with my vagina.

mmm hmmm... i'm going to eat you with my vagina.

mmm hmmm... i'm going to eat you with my vagina.

Under extreme heat and pressue, coal can be turned into diamonds. After this kegel her headband will be complete.

Say my name, Bastien, say my name!

Birdnose McTrampypants attempts to look stylish, ladylike, not STD infested.

"This one time at band camp...."

"Quick! Get the cup!"

The Crypt Keeper escaping his tomb with a UTI AKA Paris Hilton

Paris realizes she's a loser and accepts money to attend a 16th Birthday party, then she gets up and leaves to buy herself some cranberry juice

Ahhhhhh this feels better than sitting on Benji!

That's too bad... I always read the Superficial to mock the looks-obsessed cult of fake beauty that most of these stars subscribe to, and now I find that the site is promoting Botox, the very thing they usually mock. Only in an incredibly fucked up society is having a toxin injected into your face something for which people compete.

"When dressed as a flight attendant, it's okay to poop your pants."

Fish, it appears that you have the toughest job in the whole world.

Paris Hilton continues vapid lifestyle. Superficial readers obsessed with stupid dick and fart jokes. Who didn't see this coming?

The person who posted their email address in the comment section should win. That's fucking hilarious.

"Oh yeah! I was once 16... can't you tell form my outfit choice?."

"Oh yeah! I was once 16... can't you tell from my outfit choice?."

For the 100th time Paris Hilton gets rocked in the backseat!

Let's get Physical, Physical

One day I will be able to sit down like a normal girl... Once the soreness goes away!

Class in session: Paris begins mentoring Crystal in the art of being a whore

Paris Hilton puts her tampon in the wrong hole, tries to sit on invisible chair

*FART* "Ohhhh... that's hot."

Would you be a dear and pass the Vagisil. That's hot.

Que dang!

"Paris Leaves Benji for Cousin Itt!"

With the economy entering recession, Hollywood attempts to bolster sales by ruining another movie franchise with an unecessary sequel. This time brand icons collide in "Face-Off part Deuce" Paris Hilton and the travelocity gnome.

A Botox injection? Damn, a t-shirt would have been enough for me.

Paris: "Does this headband distract you from the herpes my chin?"

Tag line:

Paris Hilton: Turning into Donetella Versace.
or
Paris Hilton Fires Make-up Artist, upon Visual Acne!!

Oh I have to let the leather cool off...I just farted and its a little hot!!!

"Ladies, the secret to getting some, is to wear nonsensical accessories and garish clothes.. That way almost nobody notices your abstractly haggish face."
*pause*
*refocuses eye*

"I'm totally like a magician or something. That guy behind me really knows how to work it also....He's about to penetrate me!!!!! Watch and learn girlies!!!"

Bitches replace Paris?! Paris angry! Paris smash!

And botox? so even if you win, you lose.

LONELY

Because Brittney wouldn't return my phone call?

Wait a minute... we HAVE to spend the $500 on botox? I thought that was just part of the witty reparte that is the Superfish...

Oh wait... yeah, nevermind.

Look girls! My new herpes sore looks like a turkey! Gooble Gooble

Paris Hilton relieved to no longer be constipated. Credits anal as cure.

'Look with the Botox the lips are so big you don't even notice the herpes'

Me Pink Poke-a-hoe-tus.

Me cop'em squat.

.

Paris Hilton finds a cure for constipation in Crystal Rock's new Car.

"Paris: my 6th and 7th senses tell me these girls would be perfect spawns from the depths of shallowness"

“Thank you for the beautiful tiara and the award for inspiring this “wet labia armpit shirt” modeled behind me. Most of the credit goes to little miss cow tongues…..hold on she wants to say a few words…..”

Ok this is a revised version to #166

Paris gets rocked in the backseat at birthday party!

can i just get the 500 in cash?

Paris attended the "lets drop the ball" practice party this last weekend for the upcoming new years eve reviling of the all new super spectacular times square ball (ends up they decided to upgrade all those little 60 watt light bulbs to whopping 75 watt'ers). The event planners where proud to announce everything went off without a hitch, and even Paris was thrilled that she could help out when one of her balls managed to drop below that gorgeous pink dress line to say a quick hello to a few of the guests. But in all seriousness folks joking about a quick visit from the brain is not a laughing matter.... that reminds me about this one time in gym class I was rockin those bitchinly short running shorts while I was spotting a fellow classmate while he was pressin the iron. And I popped a Paris, but instead both of the harry guys decided to drop in for a quick hello on buddy's forehead. HAHAHAHA... good times hanging out with the special needs gym class. Timmy just wouldnt stop asking questions about why the left was hanging so much lower then the right.

*fffffffffffffftt* sorry girls. it's so hard to keep those in when you've been pounded in the ass so many times.

I feel pretty, Oh, so prettyyyyyyyyyy,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

Paris Hilton on Kate Moss. "My Name is My Brand as Well!" *Grunts* "That Was Hott..and Steamy!"

sasblackbelt@yahoo.com

No I haven't seen your boomerang.

"Though Botox seemed like an idiotic prize for any contest not being held by Cher, it was quickly discovered that none of the competitors had anything else going for them."

I agree with those who have merely LOL'ed at the blasphemous attempts at creativity/gastrointestinal humor. But really, if the gold medal is plastic surgery, where else can you be but at the F*cktard Olympics?

Do the drapes match the carpet? Only if I shaved my head, tee-hee-hee!

If I do win, I'd rather spend the money on a bikini than botox. Doesn't that count for something?

Damn, I wish my snatch would stop iching!!

My advice on handling mean press? Start a juicy rumor about yourself so you can laugh at the idiots who believe it! But don't take Herpes - that one's mine.

OR

So, yeah, it can totally spread to your face.

ahh the back seat brings Paris joyful memories

Paris "My Face Looks Like A Foot" Hilton seen here wearing a crown of diamonds, claims herself, to be the second coming jesus.

Paris enters farting contest, wins tacky tiara

Excuse me, my cell is vibrating ... in my underpants ... HA! Fooled you, I'm not wearing underpants!

Ladies, can I sit in your backseat? I just had sex with a sweaty armpit man and my crotch hurts. thanks.

This is too fukinhilarious! I guess the Superficial got it right with 'because you're ugly' I've never seen so many dumbass comments to get botox. FREAKS

And now that I am single those girls look "pretty hott"

And now that I am single those girls look "pretty hott"

oops. didnt mean to put the email in the actual thing. haha

definately some funnies in here!

You girls want to see my wiener?

Pardon me girls, do you have any tinactin? This jock itch is killing me.

Drr, Drr, Drrrr.

You girls want to see my wiener?

Pardon me girls, do you have any tinactin? This jock itch is killing me.

Drr, Drr, Drrrr.

Want to touch my pee-pee?

Paris finally whips out her secret surprise!

Embarrised Hilton, why? because even the chicks wanna see up that skirt.

Look girls, my va jay jay is the new scratch and sniff! Can you guess what mine smells like? Now that's hot. No really, touch it. Its FLAMING!

"It's not the burning I mind so much.....as the itching. "

For her 16th birthday, Paris lets the birthday girl play 'Hide the Fist' in her pussy

Paris turns into love child of Heidi Montag and Richard Simmons, shows audience her wee-wee

10 seconds later:

"It's not the itching I mind so much...as the burning".

uuuunnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Shit Biscuit: Paris Hilton succeeds Sarah Jessica Parker as the new (horse) face of Garnier.

Paris Hilton graciously unscrews a gallon jar of horse semen before sharing it with the Olsen sisters.

Paris says My seat is wet

Paris Hilton rips ass in Bentley

Paris lets one loose... with a smile!

"Like a venus fly trap, my giant vagina has captured David Spade.
He's telling jokes to my asshole and they're funny *giggles*.

Yes my children, there is a Tranny Claus

Like my new nose, girls? I was going for the duck's beak look. Quack quack.

That's hot! No, really...that's hot! Turn off the seat warmer bitches.

That's hot! No, really...that's hot! Turn off the seat warmer bitches.

BFFs, learn from the mistress. I'm going to strike an awkward pose that will make it in The Superficial. I bet that whack job will even have a caption contest for it.

Ready, 1 2 3 Fake Smile

Paris instructs the next generation on how she achieved celebrity status.

I've been holding Benji Madden's load in my mouth for all these months ... thank god I can finally let it out!!! Snowball anyone?

Sorry, that was Stavros. I know Benji is in here somewhere.

Paris Hilton Loves Little Girls!

Desperately wanting to clinch the "2008 Paris Look-Alike Contest", Denise easily won by flashing diseased, disfigured "naughty bits".

Don't worry #210. I'm sure you won't regret it.

Think of all the intelligent commentary we've seen so far. You probably won't have to change your email address for another two maybe three hours.

i have to piss...where's kim kardashian? gillespiegonzalesblack@gmail.com

Desperately wanting to clinch the "2008 Paris Look-Alike Contest", Raoul easily won by flashing a diseased, disfigured lumpy penis with several homeless living in it.

Paris Hilton a microsecond before throwing the first punch after Ashley Olsen commented that Paris was a "silly plastic herpes dispenser that infected half the good heterosexual men in America and turned the other half stark raving gay."

Rupaul and Rambo must be pissed, get your own look Paris

"Yeah I'm totally single now that I caught Benji doin the Geekologie writers mom. So do you two have brothers?"

"Yeah I'm totally single now that I caught Benji doin the Geekologie writers mom. So do you two have brothers?"

Paris Hilton rises to retrieve her nest egg, unaware it has been snatched by the nefarious Olsen Sisters crime syndicate.

I promise sweetie, this won't hurt a bit....

Everybody look - I shaved off the 'B' !

Paris: Dude, your dad wreaks!!!
Crystal: I know, I tried to tell him to just keep his arms down if he's still going to refuse to wear deodorant.

Warriors!... Come out and Play-E-YAaaaaa!

Paris Hilton desperately trying for Madonna guns.

Paris Hilton ups the ante in her quest for the ultimate douche-nozzle, dons ridiculous circlet, profits?

OMFG! at first glance i thought that was Heidi

Do I have Kids? Not yet. Just a few crusty prospects on my inner thigh.

Paris Hilton: "In an attempt to distract you all from my chin-herpes, I'm gonna show you all my penis! Ready?!!"

Paris Hilton: No longer interesting in any way!

Paris Pops a Squat, Delivers (Poo?) Car at Sweet 16....

"Hey, is Benji Madden on the $50 bill? He's not? Then why have i been stuffing his face in meat wallet the past year?"

The young Crystal sneaks a peek at what her pussy will look like after the million man beat down, Paris suddenly remembers to breathe again. Yay Paris!!

Paris Wears Headband to Stop People from Picking Her Brain.

I'm the hottest tranny ever!!

Paris Hilton shows friends eel skin watch.

This young lady to my left is executing what's known as "The Ventriloquist." We're still working out the kinks, but as of right now she operates my blinking with her thumb. My mouth is opened and closed by a team of puppeteers that have lived inside me since 1987.

Pairs Hilton may/may not have itching/burning of the genitalia.

So i thought I would come up with something funny, but all I can think of when I look at this is: fuck now I have a headache.

If you think my face is gross you should see the sores on my ax wound.

Paris' Mistankenly Wears Cock Ring as a Headband.

Paris demonstrates hands-free gear shifting to her passengers. 0 to 60 in 3 martinis!

Paris takes a back seat to Crystal Rock Audigier and is all "broken-out" about it.

Peeing in Pink.

See, I told you bitches my diaphragm was both holiday festive and big enough to fit around my head.
And, btw, if your purse doesn't match you can also use it to keep...what the..? Tinkerbell?! I thought you ran away!

paris hilton stops the show at crystal rocks' recent sweet sixteen party by demonstrating one of her new products. that silver halo on her head is actually a device that will automatically convert your farts into one of ten different fragrances. here she is passing the sweet scent of chocolate to the amazement of the other partygoers attending. damn!!! i'am still working on my scratch and sniff photo software so i can't actually share the full experience of scents like burned popcorn or 10-40 weight oil coming out of paris hiltons' ass...............until then you'll just have to get it from your local convience store, bring it home and smother yourself in it while looking at the above posted shot. wwwwhhhhheeeeeeeeeee!

Paris takes a back seat to Crystal Rock Audigier and is all "broken-out" about it.

Paris takes a back seat to Crystal Rock Audigier and is all "broken-out" about it.

Shocking news - Paris has an Eifel Tower-shaped penis!

Shocking news - Paris has an Eifel Tower-shaped penis!

Kathy Hilton arriving at the book signing of her new book: "Raising an Accidental Pornstar".

"God damn chimichangas."

Bloated Chicken Disco Hooker Barbie...coming soon to an adult store near YOU.
*** Free antibiotics with valid doctor's note confirming your VD.

"Let's get physical, bitches!"

"You think that's impressive, wait till you see what I pull out of my vagina next!"

...so THAT'S what happened to David Spade.

paris hilton hires heads to block potential crotch shot

'all you have to do is push like this, and the last guys nut will squirt right out. Next please!'

"Paris, I swear to god-if you facing an outbreak and dont have on panties, do NOT sit on that seat. Make an ugly-tranny face if we're clear!"

"Paris, I swear to god-if you facing an outbreak and dont have on panties, do NOT sit on that seat. Make an ugly-tranny face if we're clear!"

Hotel Heiress Paris Hilton stunned party-goers at a charity event in L.A. last night when she threw a tantrum on stage during an auction. Miss Hilton's spokesperson had this to say: "It was an honest mistake. Paris walked in the room after the lot description and just assumed the girls were a part of her winning bid. She is still in the market for healthy livers, however."

Malibu Barbie stuck in her kegel exercise position. I wonder if her pelvic floor has been swiffered lately?

Paris Hilton - "Does anybody else's crotch itch?"

Those herpes meds give me the runs.

Paris Hilton: Finally Thin Enough to Fit into her Barbie's Clothes

"See girls, I keep it cleanly shaved and duct taped to one leg"

or

"It's like my own little Grand Canyon"

or

"This is my only real BFF"

Yep...that was wet.

so these seats are NOT coated with acid repellent? my bad...

"Sorry I'm late, guys. I got my head stuck in a disco ball. Did I get any one me?"

"Sorry I'm late, guys. I got my head stuck in a disco ball. Did I get any one me?"

Paris rips a big one.....blames sparkly headband for squeezing her ass (head) to tight.

Paris: Why does everyone keep giggling about me being 'in the pink'?

Paris: Why does everyone keep giggling about me being 'in the pink'?

" Normally I screw three different penises a day -- It's my breakfast, lunch, and dinner--But today, I changed it up a bit , and did them all at the same time! It hurts to sit and my jaw is totally out of wack!"

Paris Hilton: "teehee...you know what they say about big feet? *wink* (feels on her herpes/wart encrusted 12" dick wrapped with hello kitty bad-aide) it shoots and I swallow ;)."

Ooops...I crapped my pants.

Paris is tickled by the old familiar burning itch.

I know I have your Christmas gifts in here somewhere, just give me a second to find them.

Oops I crapped my pants!

Look at all you pathetic invisible no ones racking your cornish hen brains to get a measly $500 bucks from posting rat nasty comments when you could whore yourself out like me & get $250,00 a night. So, I'm still looking for new BFF's, anyone wanna an application?

"This tinfoil headband protects me from herpes!"

OH MY!!!!.....Benji I need a Brilo pad stat. . . .BENJI?!!. . . . .SH*T!

"I hope you don't mind your new car smelling like queef!"

Paris Gives The Gift That Keeps On Giving (Herpes)

Welcome to Hilton's House of Hamburgers, would you like fries with that?

"IT'S A NEW WORLD! ITS A NEW DAY! IT'S A NEW DISEASE - BFF HERPES!"
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
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Please vote for it. I need vaginal reconstruction.

Paris: "Look girls - I put the clam in chlamydia"
"Now that's HOT... and kinda itchy"

'Wicked Witch of the West Coast revives Xanadu."

"yeah i totally just farted in this girls car..."

look at me I'm a rich hippie witch!!

"I'm thinking of endorsing Nair, aren't my balls smooth?"

P-Rex, aka "Peptis Bismol," prepares to take a crap on (eat?) some hookers.

"Sorry girls! Sometimes it makes a quacking noise when I bend over."

"Look girls, when I sqeeze my balls it looks like brains."

Paris dispensing important skank training to newbies

"Abortions really make your uterus sore!"

Finally, a face that embodies everything Hollywood holds dear; The Superficial.

Oops. I just pooped a little bit!!

"Daddy Warbucks is like totally trying to get his money worth. Yea,he's like making me wear this & then perform a workout video in his bedroom later tonight?? It should be released by Christmas but I totally don't know anything about it. Pinky Swear!! "

"Someone pulled Paris' finger."

(Also refer to #174!)

Do you think my butthole is prettier than my face? No really...look...its smiling and winking.....

New Product Line:
Tinfoil Headbands - Keep Scientologists From Reading Your Thoughts!
by Pairs Hilton: When Crazy Meets Classy (it's hard to keep from peeing yourself!)

And for my next trick im going to pee and have it come out of that guys armpit. Thats HOT

or

Who wants to see my Yule Log?

Paris Outfit Causes Scientologist Stampede at Barney's (L.Ron Pleased)

Paris Hilton: She fucked your grandmother

Paris Hilton: I stole the batteries from her remote once.

Paris Hilton: She's the Paris Hiltoniest.

Paris Hilton: What the fuck is she wearing??

Paris Hilton: She's not currently stuffing a dick in her mouth, but she's got that look in her eyes that says, 'I don't care that I'm the mental equivalent of a bag of old grease and underpants, I'll sacrifice what's left of my laughable dignity and make another video to put on the internet."

P.S. I don't want any damn Botox, I'm sexy enough as it is. I'm just trying to share some laughs. And give a sensual massage to a hot lady in my candlelit room that is in no way in my parent's basement. I just figured being funny on the internet is the way to go.

No, I really can't move my face right now, just my lips. I'm actually really pissed off at you for making me stay an extra half hour with no pay. It's just this Botox that I got in Brazil seems to have really been motor oil. Even my face is allergic to it, I'm too rich to get zits. I can pay them to get lost.

"Ya'll seen my boobs around here?"

Paris Hilton talks to teenagers, Herpes awareness decreases

"i'd love to stay and chat, but it like totally burns when i sit."

"If I show everyone my penis, nobody will give a damn about the giant goiter on my chin!! Peace, love, and... oh this rash sucks...."

"PARIS LECTURES TEEN GIRLS ON THE IMPORTANCE OF STD SCREENING"

Is this Paris Hilton channeling Heidi Montag or Heidi Montag channeling Paris Hilton? I'm so confused...

"Don't worry girls, our secrets are safe, I've got my tin foil headband on this time!"

Paris Hilton wants you to see her crotch.

In other news, the sky is blue.

The carjacking would have gone seamlessly if not for the reflector band, positively identifying Olivia Newton John circa 1984.

Paris Hilton is a hermaphrodite and likes to show off her penis at parties. (She's hung like a horse!!)

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't worry, girls---it won't bite...MY HAND!!! OH, SHIT, IT'S GOT MY HAND!!! SOMEBODY GRAB A MACHETE!!!

"No, no, hehe. I SWEAR the herpes won't get on your seat."

Paris Cover Her Crotch for Christmas

Yes... slowly... keep smiling... just keep your legs together paris. You are calm and collected, they'll never know WHERE you're hiding the bottle of cristal.

Paris wants to be like Boliwood

Paris is broke, accepting donations 'down there'. Uncle cries "Firsties!"

No no the hot guy next to the helper.

"Paris Hilton Quiefs; Onlookers Bring Lawsuit Alleging First-Ever Case of Airborne Gonorrhea"

FUCK! This is NOT the time for the insurance to cancel my subscription to Valtrex.

What do you mean ONLY ten valtrex is too many to take a day?!

Oh wait...I think my balls just dropped. Can someone pick them up please? I'd like them dipped in gold and put on my wall.

dangeroustoaster@hotmail.com

"I think this headband is pushing the Botox into my eyelids"

"Hay Bff's, can one of u guys get this ZIT on my chin?"

The first and second can be together or seperate
:]

dangeroustoaster@hotmail.com

"Hay Bff's, can one of u guys get this ZIT on my chin?"

The first and second can be together or seperate
:]

dangeroustoaster@hotmail.com

I am soooo embarrased, but my Valtrex must've fallen out of my evening bag. You two don't have any handy, do you?

See, rectal ventriloquism IS a talent!

- Meet the new Zipperhead

- Pink is the new Crazy

oh, there's my purse...
(musta sat on it)

Paris wears sparkly headband to distract from shiteous dress and smelly farts.

Heiress (and backseat driver) explains thetan-driven GPS system she just invented by placing aluminum foil crown on her head.

"Captain Pit-Stain behind me is trying to flag down the paparazzi so they can get a good crotch-shot . Can you move your head out of the way while I pretend to care what you're saying? "

Look BFF's I told you it was really big...that's what happens when you get a lot of ass like me!

Phoebe Price 20 years ago.

Tom Cruise Loves The Coke

Wicked Witch of the West's Evil sister, Ghonorella, makes appearance with the "Little People"

Wicked Witch of the West's Evil sister, Ghonorella, makes appearance with the "Little People"

As hard as she tries to fit in with the "lower class" near the valet booth, Paris' crack rock headband goes unnoticed ...

After perusing the 360+ comments above mine, including my two previous ones, I now believe that anything funny to be said about her was said 2 years ago.

Paris thinking "You think I'm smiling at your comments of love for all things Paris, but I'm really just thinking of the next pair of balls I can drape across my nose. I can't wait to get home and ProActiv the $hit outta this zit on my chin." BLANK

mmhmm...balls....Oh, did I say that out loud, I was just thinking it.

Ooops, I think my panty puddin just leaked off my cotten pad.... Oh never mind I think I must have sat on some deli mustard....Anyone seen Benji?

Oooops ... I pooted!

"oh, what the flying Jesus? Another outbreak?!"

"O man, I should have drank the peptol bismol instead of wearing it" Now what I am going to do......oops, nevermind.

"Paris Hilton: Crapping on society since 1981"

*sbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrttttttttttttttttt!!!*

Proof that Benji Madden is a complete douche: Paris Hilton's queefs smell again.

"Thank-you. The two of you are equally beautiful this evening."

Randal

"I think I just shit myself a little" must be the starbucks

#20 is absolutely hilarious! Seriously though...is she playing with her girly bits? Matching diamond encrusted barrettes in the nether regions perhaps?

Hurry girls, center that bottle so my urine dosen't spray everywhere! You can totally sell that on E-bay, bitches. When you become my BFF you'll have to learn these things. Uggh, do I have to tell you everything.

Paris Hilton as Poca-HO-ntas

"One Night Out of Paris"

TCLTC!!!

TCLTC!!!

Silent-but-Deadly, Bitches!

You can totally drink that bff's! You know my urine is 50% Crystal at all times. Line your glasses up bitches...Hurry!

BRAAAAAAAAAP..SQUEEEEEEEEE...FLETFLETFLETFLET...BRAAAAAAAAAP...BRMMMP...BRREEEEEEAAANNNEEEEE...toot.
Dedicated to Don Martin

Sure I can pee right here, everyone's already seen it anyway.

"the itty bitty titty committee"

Haha, I hope the winner gets a botox injection into her G-Spot. I'd like to see those before and after pictures, lol.

Haha, I hope the winner gets a botox injection into her G-Spot. I'd like to see those before and after pictures, lol.

"Damn, you ugly!"

1st runner up at this year's halloween costume contest: brad garrett dressed as midget. what's that? that's really her? yikes

Like a virgin, touched for the very first time!

Hold on, I'll buy you girls a drink...I just have to get my money...(she grabs it from inside her underwear) Benji taught me this trick...you can hide anything in here! Wanna be BFF's?

"Oops, there's something still stuck up there... Oh well... Just smile for the camera and take it out later"

get_physical@hotmail.com

"Oops, there's something still stuck up there... Oh well... Just smile for the camera and take it out later"

Paris instructs fledgling vapid whores how to sit during herpes flare ups

"a picture of paris hilton is worth a thousand STDs "

I would sit down, but I just had botox on my vagae-gae and can't feel a thing! So happy - it doesn't look a day over 18! Watch out Miley - I'm back in the game!

"I'm the new spokeswoman for Valtrex! Look what they sent as a thank you..."

"I TOLD you I could fit the whole traffic cone up there!"

Paris's hair man balls slip out of her dress only to be blocked by her friends head.

Paris Hilton becomes even more plastic, no one shocked in the slightest.

"Hey guys, have you seen my belt???"

Yes, that's an itch you should not scratch.

"Oh that's fantastic, you aren't wearing any underwear. Now I have to burn that seat."

Get it? A vagina, venereal disease, whore joke all-in-one. I'm slightly above that fart stuff see.

Does this tiara make me look retarded?

Does this tiara make me look retarded?

Does this tiara make me look retarded?

Does this tiara make me look retarded?

Does this tiara make me look retarded?

Paris Hilton shows off her best Big Bird face, ends up showing her big black hole as well while the girl on the left gets her face sucked out of her by gravitational field.

Nothing Says Holiday Cheer Like Paris Hilton in a Headband Made of Blood Diamonds

Just watch, Crystal: in a day or two, The Superficial will post this pic in a contest in which all of its pathetic, "living by proxy via the internet" readers will wind up hoisted by their respective double-plus-unfunny petards whilst attempting to exhibit their über lame captioning skills. (Oh, and thanks for loaning me that thesaurus and MLA handbook, girlfriend *smooches*)

Suddenly, Helga realized her wish to be reincarnated as Twiggy with a touch of French influence had been terribly misinterpreted by the gods.

chick on the top right - aww dam my boobs are too small =(

I'm sorry, this seat doesn't have a penis.

Sorry girls, I would love to chat about nothing, but I really have to pee like a pony

Glambo-Rambo- not hot

"Seriously.....does the princess sparkle headband take the focus off this zit?"

The albino Indian strikes again!

"WHOOO! Who put the vibrator on my seat? Oh, wait, it fell out of my purse..."

i dream of weenie!

PPPTTTHHHHHBBBBBPPPBBBBTTTT!!!!!

Look girls here comes the meat stick .

Just because you're wearing Pepto Bismol on your wonk ass doesn't mean you have to pop a squat on the rest of those hos.

"Yes, the headband holds it all up. If I take it off, my tits fall into my shoes."

Someone should have mentioned to Paris that a necklace is worn around the neck and not the forehead

Oops, forgot to leave this chihuahua at home.

Yes, girls, you just tuck it under like so.

Are farts suppose to have lumps?

Is this the heiress' with herpes section? I am having a massive breakout and want to sit with my peeps.

STD infested bitch steals halo from Mila Kunis in attempt to be desireable; fails miserably and causes me to cry

"Herpes flare-up means Paris can't sit anymore. That's hot!"

Paris models new stewardess attire for Never Been a Virgin Airlines.

I have a big red pimple on my stupid natsy face, and when I shit it gets bigger....see!

(insert dream cloud caption bubble around these words over head) If only I was as insanely hot & mysteriously anonymous as the blonde chick at the top of The Superficial home page, then I could totally trick someone into taking me home with them. I could disappear in the morning by using my hair extensions to zip line down the building & never worry about the ugly consequences to follow....I would just go back to being an eyeless & bodyless figure representing every celebrities worst flaw.

Pssst...all right. We're in. You can come out now Benji.

Honestly, I am the good witch.

Oh yah! Paris is about to lay another egg! Who feels like herpes omelette?

Finally tiring of his usual costume, Robert Englund decided to try something different for halloween.

Oh yah! Paris is about to lay another egg! Who feels like herpes omelette?

I think online dating is really nice. I meet many nice people at the millionaire & celebrity dating club ^^^^^^MillionaireLoving. C O M^^^^^^. You can find your soul mate at this site. You have many chances to date with a millionaire there.

"Listen to this,
too good to miss,
da da da da da DA

pfffft!"

THANKS OOPS I CRAPPED MY PANTS!!!!!!!!

I wish i could sit down, but there's already a stick up my ass.

I think #443 should win this unbelievably lame contest. that's a fuckin classic.

people, you're so damn stupid. in the same time, this is the most ironic move Fish has ever done. just think for a second about it ...

oh yeah and TCLTC

Paris: Uh-oh!

Girl on the right: Jesus Paris, I told you it was humid today! Now sit down so I can re-tape your "cursed labia!"

Paris: I just thought it would be more effective for the frog to kiss me in the only place I've ever felt love. I MISS BENJI *ugly cry (similar to being hauled off to jail for the second time.)

The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull

Or,

"Channeling Nana Mouskouri always gives me uterine cramps"

Paris Hilton = Kelly Bundy + tree trimmings. Who doesn't want herpes for Christmas?

"Paris Hilton pulls a Tyra and shits herself. Smiles smugly at vapid morons in front seat of car. Claims guy in pink shirt with giant pit stains was the cause"

Vote: Paris Hilton for Proactiv

Paris Hilton shows off her Orion's Belt . . . of herpes.

"I have only one thing to say: Don't use glue as a lube during a home abortion."

Thank God for Vagisil.. otherwise I'd end up looking like this on my nights out.

#364 - hahaha! tottally unrelated and sooo much better than shit, farts, and pee. ugh.

am i the only one that doesn't want botox, just wants to win?

Big Bird's sluttly little sister has one too many burrito's with her friends on Friday night in downtown LA.

Big Bird's sluttly little sister has one too many burrito's with her friends on Friday night in downtown LA.

Paris: Sometimes...If I clinch my cheeks together, it sounds like I'm clapping! Tee~hee that's so hot!

"Wait. So, you're not related to Chris Rock...? Let's get out of here Nicky."

By the way...I just fucked your boyfriend in the bathroom. It was nice meeting you though!

tinfoil hats are so yesterday for blocking government transmissions, diamond tiaras are hot!

That NuvaRing sure is versatile.

Paris Hilton, everybody's favourite vulture, wants to eat your eyes.

paris as a young glenn close

Olivia Newton-John called- she wants her headband back.

"I'll get you my pretty...and your little dog too"

Everyone squeeze a cheek, Paris is bringing back the hippie thing in a big (pathetic) way.

"Oops, those uh laxatives came through a little sooner than I'd thought"

Mommy, Why is that flamingo about to poop in the club?

"My nose is running.....I must be full! Time to make a substantial donation to a sperm bank..."

Please – put my penis back in your mouth just one more time........

"My nose is running....I must be full! Time to make a substantial donation to a sperm bank. Get a stomach pump in here STAT!"

Paris Hilton reveals shows off new penis.

"Paris is runner-up in 'Sexiest in Pink' contest. Sweaty Pits earns 1st Place"

"Now that you've seen the pink on the inside, here's some pink on the outside."

"The reigning Queen of Cock goes pink"

"SEE LADIES !!! ...I told you I still haven't given Benji his balls back!!....wait , I think I may have Nick Carter's in here too..."

"SEE LADIES !!! ...I told you I still haven't given Benji his balls back!!....wait , I think I may have Nick Carter's in here too..."

Why did I let Richard Gere talk me into using those Damn gerbils...

Why did I let Richard Gere talk me into using those damn gerbils...

This is my bukake face. Now you try.

This is my bukake face. Now you try.

"I was really hoping this headband would distract you from the fact that I what I lack in personality I make up for in getting around."

"No really, I've reduced to kids birthday parties. I'm fucking clown shoes!"

Lol I forgot a word:

"No really, I've been reduced to kids birthday parties. I'm fucking clown shoes!"

Paris's new cream works almost well enough to allow her to sit without the uncomforable burning and itching.

Does this dress make my gass smell phat? I just tooted *giggle* !!!

Opps! I just shit my panties...it doesn't smell, does it?

Kennedy assassination re-enactments are so HOT. He was married to She-Ra: Princess of Power, riiighhhttt?

FIRST!

This reminds me of the movie Tender Dracula, near the end when Dracula asks the man to remember that the woman he is flirting with was bisected the night before.

Paris Hilton wears pink, whips it out, impresses BFFs

You look surprised, girls. Of course I piss standing up. What, my giant man feet didn't give it away?

excuse me ladies....ppppfffffft.....that's hot.

I can look hot even while I'm taking a dump! I'm the best!

Ohh, THAT'S where my cellphone went.

Oh girl that color looks so much better on you. Bonus: it matches your chin zit , also.

"Paris hides Stavros / Tinkerbell / dignity in her box. Surprise!"

excuse me ma'am, your head is blocking the papprazzi's crotch shot for the evening.

Paris proclaims to friends that pink is the new black! BFF wannabe shows support with pits stains and cheers!

"I think I pooded myself."

"Herpes is the new Botox!", says Paris Hilton's chin'

"Hey girls, mind if I sit down? I'm so tired after humping your boyfriends. Happy Birthday!"

Paris: Sorry, that's my ever-flaming herpes flaring up...
Crystal: So THAT'S what my vahj will look like in eight months...AWESOME!!!

*fart*

Paris Hilton Drops Dootie To Draw Attention Away from Ridiculous Headband

What, my giant man feet never gave it away?

"Like my skirt? Pink is the new black. Like my headband? Aluminum is the new gold."

Happy sweet sixteen, so how old are you?

"that's hot" spacerocket___@msn.com

i'm so ironic.

Hi girls, am I cute , don't I resemble that horse face girls from the hills...uh ..Heidi...Montag....

Paris Hilton, AND her Vagina, are both flappers.

It was the third attempt to clone Glen Close. Only to end up with another vapid skank. "Shut it down!"

Only mildly surprising is the equation wherein Gargamel + pink dress + retarded headband = Paris Hilton

Look, I added some garnish for Big Carl.
Paris Hilton, fresh off her success from the Six Dollar Burger, shows off her newest endorsement: the Million Dollar Vagina.
Alien jumps out of Paris Hilton's vagina and attaches itself to Crystal Rock's face.

Small child takes over Paris Hilton's chin causing her farts to smell like sex on a rainbow.

WOW! Your right paris, I CAN hear the ocean in there!

So, you girls flashed your pussy yet?

"See -- I told you betches taking that frenemy weekend roadtrip to Ojai with LiLo and Sam wouldn't be a complete waste of time. I learned how to roll my own tampons."

Paris remembers where she hid those 80s legwarmers to complete her ensemble...her vajayjay. It's hot.

Paris shows the youngsters how she says "that's hot" with her vagina.
Paris Hilton hides birthday present in "special place".

Paris puts vagina up for friendly discussion.

With more room than Mary Poppin's carpetbag, Paris was having a hard time keeping the ping pong balls from shooting early.

Paris learned a lesson about being too charitable. Ever since Lohan's fire crotch went into foreclosure and Paris' crabs decided to invite them to move in, the girl just can't sit down for a minute.

Paris now color-codes entourage. The color of the day: Pink. Tomorrow's color: I vote clear.

Paris reveals her penis to two unsuspecting teenagers.

...and that's all it takes to start a herpe fire.

"I am going to go use your boyfriends penis to scratch the itch from my muff worms now..."

Paris starts public campaign for a new BFF: this translates to walking up to random people and begging them to accept her gifts.

Paris starts public campaign for a new BFF: this translates to walking up to random people and begging them to accept her gifts. in this case possible hemmoroids.

Hey girls! Check out my penis!

Crystal: "Hi Paris, I'd like you to meet my sister, Fraggle."

Wow! Pigs really do fly, because those douche bags over at TheSuperficial.com held a picture caption contest about me : )

Paris spreads open her box, scientists discover new strain of Herpes (Type HH).

Paris calls her look the "Hocahontas"

"So that's how I eat bananas."

Paris Hilton puts new cockpit in old muscle car.

Forgetting Halloween was last month, Paris arrives in costume as a giant dog penis, complete with sparkly doggy cock ring.

Isn't this tiara fabulous? Harry Winston threw in a matching 10 carat clit ring because he knew I'd be more than happy to show it off. It's so adorable, wanna see it? When I'm not wearing it , I let my dog wear it as a collar.

"That's right bitches...NOONE rocks a sparkly headband like me, not even Mushy Farton!"

"As Paris Hilton begins to sit down, a small pussy fart erupts. She stops, hoping no one noticed. Then slowly and carefully begins to sit down again. The pussy farts continue and draw the attention of the girls in front of her."

Oh, crap....Speidi saw me.

Glenn Close enjoys dressing up as Paris Hilton for ALL the holidays.

"Oh jeez ,these tampons don't fit like they used to"

Gotta Run....(no pun intended) but the laxatives are kicking in........

Paris Hilton blows 4.0 on breathalyzer .

"So, you bitches want a threesome?"

Oh little girl, the headband is to channel the 70's- a reckless time of unprotected sex and rabid venerial disease. Santa's already promissed me a time machine for Christmas!

"Guys, I pissed myself. And it's hot!"

No, I'm dressed as Poke-me-hontus Barbie.

ohhhhhhhhh hell no! did that bitch behind me just queef in my face!!!

Pocaherpes

Caption: "PARIS HILTON CHANNELS PEACHES HONEYBLOSSOM

oh god it burns, who knew my herpes and crabs would have a love child.

Paris Hilton wears sparkly headband, still manages to look skankier than sweaty armpit in background.

Paris Hilton wears sparkly headband, still manages to look skankier than sweaty armpit in background.

Paris is feeling the wet stuff in her pants; however, her botox won't let her show proper emotion for another half hour.

Who has penis envy NOW?

WTF? This is just like the time I was kidnapped by aliens, and they forced me to wear some apparatus that counted the number of times I chewed my food, then they made me make fiber-optic wallpaper in an apartment filled with crystals, then they probed me and threw a huge rock down on Canada, they were like "Pew, pew, sucka!" and then they made me ride around on a Roomba for awhile... yeah... it's just like that except with Paris Hilton's stupid looking nose. Plus if I win the Botox I won't even accept it 'cause I'm totally hot the way I am so I would just donate it to charity.

Who has penis envy NOW?

Plus did anybody else notice that big dark spot on her chin which I think is a disgusting ZIT? It's like, totally pop that mutha or something already. Gross.

Paris was happy because she thought that "feeling the burn" meant she'd had a good workout.

Later on, her doctor confirmed that feeling the burn in your vagina actually indicates herpes.

"Seriously, girls, Botox in your vagine means never having to pee in public again. High five!"

"You thought I had just one up there? Just watch!!"

Paris and the Whore-gonauts discuss their upcoming quest for the Guido Fleece

Do you have an itchy, sore vagina with bad smell and cloudy discharge? Then you need to try Vagi-Right!"

"I'm pretty sure at least ONE of us in here has the clap. Care to guess? Anyone?? No? Ok, what about herpes?"

"This is what a herpes outbreak looks like..."

Hi girls. This is my special "I really gotta fart a huge one and look good for the camera" pose.

Roadkill? Hmm, might be my vagina.

My Vajeen. It's like sleeve of wizard.

Paris Hilton to Tom Green: "MY bum is on the chair."

If you pretend you don't see that lovely spot on my chin, I'll show you where it all started.

UUNNNNNNFFFGGAAAA.....**POP**
"Ok guys, I unstucked, any stains?"

ps. I don't want botox so give it to someone else. But I do have an after shot for you - down my pants. Ohhh yeaaah!

"See you guys, told you we are twins!!", Paris squeals to her friends in reference to the man standing behind her, "But, MY wet stains come from of my sex mouth!"

Paris: Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now, gotta go, gotta go, gotta go... oops, and I don't have to go right now.

"We secretly replaced their spare tire with a slut for hire. Let's see if they notice..."

"Hey check me out... I look like that chick from Sex and the City now... "

Paris picks her front wedgie while innocent bystanders watch with glee.

Sit. Squirt. Smile.

"I TOLD you girls--leather seats can't get herpes! Don't you two losers know you can only get herpes stuff at their boutiques?!"

Rasberrry Poop Forever....

Herpes Hilton passes on the torch.Leaves trail of disease and doo-doo at the back of Mini-Herpes Hiltons' car.

Beverly Hills Pocahontas and friends get a whiff of Mr. Peptobismal's armpit juice

Paris publically dumps

Paris Hilton shows young skanks how to pop own cherry

Paris Hilton shows young skanks how to pop own cherry

Paris Hilton shows young skanks how to pop own cherry

"Herpes Hilton passes on the torch.Leaves trail of disease and doo-doo at the back of Mini-Herpes Hiltons' car."

got your nose!

If A Herpe Farts In A Forest of Skanks And Noone Important's Around, Does It Stink?

Beverly Hills Pocahontas and friends get a whiff of Mr. Peptobismal's armpit juice

Paris Hilton wants to audition for Xanadu the Musical.

Flash Forward to Paris in 5 Years:

Hi girls, can I get you started with some nachos or maybe the mozzarella sticks while you look over the menu?

Paris gets put back in slammer for publicly traiding masturbation tips with potential "bffs".

In yet another attempt to scour up publicity, Paris Hilton was spotted wearing an oversized pink t-shirt and a freaking Slinky on her head. Paris is awful. She looks like a freaking Bratz doll and makes me want to knaw off my face. I only wish her head would pop off like my Barbie dolls from elementary school. And Grandpa Orval would stick her head onto a My Little Pony. Or maybe throw her into oncoming traffic.

Pepto Bismol Barbie- Nausea Heartburn Indigestion Upset Stomach Diarrhea!
Paris Hilton takes her endorsement deals seriously.

Olivia Newton John "Got Physical" with a Whole Lot Less Herp

Paris Wears Pocahontas Disguise in Hopes of Distracting From Genital Condition. Fails.

Just remember ladies, 10 minutes of Kegel's a day keeps the uterine prolapse away!!!

"Maybe if I fart real loud my BFFs won't notice this hideous headband."

Paris presents a sample of new hit perfume Fairy Dust!

Check it out girls, you can hardly see where my penis used to be. My surgeon's the best!

BOO!

Ha ha... got you guys to look at my panty-less crotch... again!

Ahhhh that party trick never gets old.

AND FINALLY ON TODAYS NEWS PARIS HILTON FAMOUS FOR FLASHING HER VAG UNNNECESSARILY AND MAKING SEX TAPES, WHICH NOONE WANTS TO WATCH, MANAGED TO CREATE A NEW DANCE SOLDIER BOY WOULD BE PROUD OF,... THE CRABWALK, ...INVOLVES SCRATCHIN YR CRAB INFESTED PUBIC REGION WHILE ATTEMPTING TO LOOK COOL AND CLASSY . HMMM HEY FISH I JUST FEEL SORRY 4 THEM CRABS I HOPE PETA DO SOMETHING BOUT REHOUSING THEM.

"No really, there's enough room in there for my assault rifle." "See."
or
I think Paris got a little confused. Usually the hooker pops out the the cake, not the other way around....

Sure you can borrow my lipstick - hang on a sec - it's up in here somewhere

'Scuse me while I WHIP THIS OUT!

Paris's nether regions flare up as she remembers her last ride in the backseat.

High Hoe! High Hoe! It's off with Herp we go...

Headline: "Paris Hilton Brings Back The Pee Pee Dance"

Body: "Paris Hilton joined by sister Nikki and a few of her new BFFs, made an appearance at the birthday party for Christian Audigier's daughter. It looks (in this picture) like Paris may have waited a little too long before deciding to take a time out to pee. Something tells me that once this picture gets around, people are not going to think "that's hot". It's been said Paris Hilton can't dance, but she seems to be really good dancer, when it comes to the pee pee dance.
Seriously though. If you are going to be the most photographed person on earth, try to make sure that you don't scream "I HAVE TO GO NOW" in a picture."

Silent but Violent!!

ASS DICK PISS LOL

What do you mean I'm wearing my thong on my head? NO, it's right..um..where the?? ah fuk...so where's my beret?

It's my pet turtle!!

Cause, I'm a man, baby!

Cause, I'm a man, baby!

Caption? Fine, here's yer fuckin' caption.

FRIST POST BITCHEZZZ LOLZ OMGROFLMAOWTF SHES FAT LOL FUCK DAT BITCH I BET SHE LIKE TEH COCK I'D HIT IT!!!!!1

Ya'll are a buncha fuckin ass licks.

Hahaha, I told you it would get on your face if you didn't swallow!

Paris Uses Bedazzled Headband to Momentarily Divert Attention from Beak Nose

damn homeboy in the back got some stanky sweaty pits.

Mirror Mirror on My Head, Whose the Beak-Nosed of Them All?

PRO-CHOICE

because sometimes fetuses turn in to that...

PRO-CHOICE

because sometimes fetuses turn in to that...

Yes, I just queefed.

Paris Hilton as Pink Pocahorass

Hilton fails to look sincere while realizing she is one step up from an appearance at World of Wheels.

"The last time I sat on something black, I got herpes. Shit, maybe I'll just hover over it like I'm about to take a massive dump and no one will notice. If they do, I'll just say hovering is the new sitting, bitch! That's hot!"

After a while it doesn't even burn anymore when I pee... it just makes me giggle. heehee

"Wait, you mean my new Sparkle Glitter tampons aren't meant to double as headbands? Shit, I guess that means those pink fishnet condoms aren't meant to double as... WAIT... FUCK."

494, 503, 508, 509 and 524 are he-larious! They're the funniest comments I, er...I mean you've ever written!

@631 don't forget 532 and 535 (The WINNER)

A contest for botox? You know, I love this website, but one reason I love it is it really lets Botox-loving celebrities have it. I'm pretty upset that the site would advocate the use of Botox and would just give it away for free to someone with a funny caption.

I know this is "The Superficial", but still... not cool.

Two aspiring young sluts are graced by the Twat Fairy.

Paris Hilton Wins Anal Egg Race

***************

10 Things that are funnier than any single one of these comments:

1. 9/11
2. Cancer of the face
3. Famine
4. The Family Circus
5. War
6. Anal Rape
7. Snuff films
8. Sexual torture
9. Marmaduke
10. Dane Cook

And I never want to hear another person bitch about how "unfunny" the Fish's posts are, if THIS is the best you can come up with. Pathetic, lame, assinine comments! No creativity, no originality, no wit-- just the same stale, recycled juvenile stupidity. Utterly dissappointing, shockingly stupid, embarrassingly uncreative.

FISH POSTERS = EPIC FAIL

***********

Ok, changed my mind...it comes out better as :

Team Hilton Wins Anal Egg Relay Race

Paris Hilton is jealous of Heidi Montag

"Hey girls, wanna see my winehouse?"

"Girl, you're looking at the secret to my success, fame and everlasting popularity
(so long as i keep it public)"

"COUSIN IT SEEN GOING DOWN ON PARIS HILTON AT LOCAL NIGHTCLUB!"

"See girls. I TOLD you I can get a diamond tiara for more than just my head."

"I wore this dress cause it matches my ....."

Paris to become honorary Ewok princess.

"Oh damn, it's got my arm again.........."

With a greasy douchebag behind her Paris Hilton only does what comes naturally...

I like sparkly stuff and leather chairs.
Pink dresses give my blond hair flare.

finally a place for warm smiles and friends.
I am sooo ready to play chess with u guys.. I get to move the Queen! who is controlling that little horsey thing? wait, we need more players,, who is moving the king? and...oh, that little castle tower,, this totally sucks we can't play chess with just three people..I can't control all these pieces.. haha.

"PARIS HILTON CAUGHT RE-INACTING HER FAVORITE JAIL PASTTIME"

"This old thing? My dad gave it to me. He said it would only turn silver when I'm about to say something stupid."

"I WORE THIS SWEET HEADBAND SO NO ONE WOULD NOTICE THE MASSIVE ZIT ON MY CHIN"

Test to Determine if Paris Hilton Perfumes Mask Queef Odors

"Feed me, Seymour!!!!"

"PARIS HILTON ANXIOUSLY AWAITING THE RAPE PARTY TO BEGIN"

The evil witch smiles as she wonders which she is going to shit out first; Hansel or Gretel

Paris thinks: "Maybe this diamond headband will distract from the hideous pimple on my chin"

Other chicks ask themselves: "Is that herpes on her chin?"

"Thank God for butt plugs"

The evil witch smiles as she wonders which she is going to shit out first; Hansel or Gretel

"Paris, wasn't Benji just sitting here?"

"grrrgghh....mmmph....ghrmmph!!!!"

hey ladies, wanna see MY firecrotch?

". . . I JUST TOUCHED COTTON . . ."

My vote is for #443 to win as well..

# 659 - did you actually type that thinking others would laugh, or that you had a snowballs chance at hell at winning this email-spamlist generating "contest"? I shudder to think theres people that stupid out there.. I guess you were one of the ones to go see "epic movie" opening night?

This was fun, but now I'm going to have sex your father for some more money.

i would participate but the prize sucks, i don't want any botox, ever, but thanks anyway. wheeeeeeeeeee

she could actually use the botox herself

-Sorry, I can't sit down. My ass swallowed Heidi Montag's chin.

-Can either of you guys pop this blister?

-If you don't say you're sorry, I'll just put my herpes all over your face.

-Sorry, I can't sit down. My ass just swallowed Heidi Montag's chin.

-Can either of you guys pop this blister?

-If you don't say you're sorry, I'll just put my herpes all over your face.

Paris Hilton the Pepto-Bismol hippie queen

It's all in the rewrite:

"That was fun, but now I'm going to go have sex with your father for that little joke about not wanting your back seat to get herpes."

Sweetie if you don't get your arm out of my crotch while I am trying to talk to my sister I will pull a Ronson. Like totally hot!

Sweetie if you don't get your arm out of my crotch while I am talking to my sister I will pull a Ronson. Like totally hot!

So like... which one of you little bitches is my daughter again?

I realize my hair is blonde, but don't I look a lot like Hiawatha?

I realize my hair is blonde, but don't I look a lot like Hiawatha?

I realize my hair is blonde, but don't I look a lot like Hiawatha?

See, I totally bedazzled the coke straw in my vagina as well.

Bitch! You did NOT just call me your 'nigga'!!!

it's getting harder and harder to hide this penis of mine...tuck, squat, smile...tuck, squat, smile...

Crystal Rock found Heidemarie Stefanyshyn-Piper's tool bag, but it was still covered in grease.

Botox? really?
Aren't all the posters on here about 13?

^^^
@ 679 Judging from the lame-ass comments, that would be a YES.

Chair, you can look, but you can't touch.

Seat, you can look, but you can't touch.

****

Again, see #636.

****

Headline: douches attempt to stand out in pink shirt thwarted by copy-cat attention whore.

:)

Come on botox!

Happy Thanksgiving! I'm Poke-a-ho-tis daughter of Wanna-hungs-cock!

"Why so sad?"

Paris Hilton still ages like everyone else...

Watch carefully as Wonder Slut defies human anatomy and poops out of her chin.

"Better pull my short dress down when I sit. I am a role model and wouldn't want anyone to disrespect me because I never wear any underwear! Omfg, can u imagine? "

or

"Ooops, I did it again! Forgot to put my panties on in a room full of kids....do as I say bitches...not as I do..."

That makes an armchair and my friend up to her elbow. Who's next?

What you can't see is why she feels so pleased when about to sit on her boney ass: there is a dog stuck to her butt to every dress in her new clothes line -"oh where's Tinkerbell?"

Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset Stomach.....................................

Nausea, Heartburn, Indigestion, Upset Stomach.....................................

"Oh please excuse me, honey, I just popped a stitch. If I stand for too long I might turn inside out. CHEERS!"

P.S. I don't want botox, but thanks.

I'm going to botox my scrotum

I'm just going to sit here and wait for a nice juicy cock...

"See girls, you don't need balloons to make balloon animals!"

Ladies! Did you see Verne Troyer slip me "a little something" ?

Paris can hide all kinds of stuff all "up in there" ... Wanna see?

Paris can hide all kinds of stuff all "up in there" ... Wanna see?

Hey, dude, put your arm down. My face is melting, melting!>

At least it's not Heidi and Spencer!

"You like it, how sweet! I think have an extra tiara in here somewhere, just a second... Here it is, no wait, that's not it... OK, here it... Oh, never mind"

"I actually met Paris Hilton once and she smelled like fish".

Thanks all, The Botox can be delivered to:
rattlers@gmx.com

"Now ladies, if you'll all follow me, we'll begin to smell the sweaty armpit of the gentleman behind me. Single file, no pushing please..."

Will you be my friend? Will you be my friend? BFF anyone? Look, I'm sparkly......

I have to make a poopy......where's my BFF??

When you enter a contest to "win a trip to Paris", and Valtrex is the sponsor, what do you expect?

I thought you were thinking Joe's Crab Shack, when you said let's get some crabs to go.

When Paris wanted to show her BFFs the botox in her lips, their feigned interest turned real when she began to lift up her skirt.

Paris Hilton totally apes Misha Barton's style. No one cares.

Pooh Finds Paris' Honeypot

Paris Hilton, Correction: Never intended to dump Benji; just needed to take a dump.

Money Doesn't Buy Class: A Case Study

Paris Hilton Pees Pants...Asks stranger if she can borrow to borrow underwear.

Paris Hilton Bankrupt, Uses Headband as Real Diamonds.

The Rat Queen graces one of her minions presence!!!

Paris Hilton, controlled by sparkly mind control device, becomes Pepto Bismal's new spokesperson.

Look! Daddy gave me a real life Bratz!

At least this isn't another f*&#ing Heidi/Spencer post.

"ok, bitvhes. Which one of you BFF's is going to come with me to wipe my ass?"

"ok, bitches. Which one of you BFF's is going to come with me to wipe my ass?"

" I've got a bailout too, I'll show you"

See?.. I told you you couldn't see my penis unless I pulled it out!!

Paris stealthily removes a matching diamond scepter from her "secret hiding place."

Confirmed! Stavros enjoys the back door! Doesn't enjoy hepatitis A thru G :-(

If you stand JUST like this you CAN do your kegals and keep in a Nuvaring bitches!

"See, it went back to normal after I started having sex with Benji. Size does matter girls."

"See, it went back to normal after I started having sex with Benji. Size does matter girls."

"Sorry, I totally had to pinch one off."

omg! #726 so funny, and probably true haha

"Yes, I stuffed the tin man up there, and your little dog, too!"

"Never thought I'd be able to see Paris crowinging without risking a new strand of fatal disease"

"I was squeezing the shit out of this herpes zit on my chin and I threw my hip out. I like it, do you?"

"I was squeezing the shit out of this herpes zit on my chin and I threw my hip out. I like it, do you?"

"I was squeezing the shit out of this herpes zit on my chin and I threw my hip out. I like it, do you?"

Caption: "Pretty in pink Paris goes pee-pee in pants - and smiles of course."

Caption: "Pretty in pink Paris goes pee-pee in pants - and smiles of course."

Paris Hilton sits crooked in a car, poop jokes ensue from the masses.

I'm doing great, love! I just got cast for the lead role in "Bride of Conan (the Barbarian)."

WOW! its shocking how many of you want to have FREE BOTOX! you are sick!

That's HOT! Not you silly, I just tinkled and its running down my leg!!!

PEE PEE PANTS PARIS IS PRETTY IN PINK

Pfffftttt!
"I guess I shouldn't have eaten so many of Stavros' Niachos"

Pfffftttt!
"I guess I shouldn't have eaten so many of Stavros' Niachos"

Pfffftttt!
"I guess I shouldn't have eaten so many of Stavros' Niachos"

And thats what it looks like tucked wayyyyy under...Pretty hot, dont you think?

I'LL GET YOU MY PRETTY AND YOUR LITTLE DOG TOTO TOO.....AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

"Objects in the rear view mirror are grosser than they appear"

Paris Hilton squeezes out a fart to distract people from the herpe on her chin.

See! Mine DOES have teeth! Isn't it hot? That's why my purse never fall out when I keep it in there :)

Princess to subjects: "Caution girls, it turns out hemroids are sexually transmitted! Or maybe it was that jail bathroom..."

I'm sorry, but the leather seats give me swamp ass.

Caption:
"Okay, I'll show it to you, but watch out! - It spits!"

OMG Big Bird is a tranny!

QVC promised this headband would keep the aliens from reading my thoughts!

Paris Hilton mistakes stranger's convertible for matching Barbie-mobile

Paris Hilton mistakes stranger's convertible for matching Barbie-mobile

Always the proponent of themed attire, Paris Hilton dons a jazzy sweatband while working out her kegels.

"i am totally a virgin some guy photoshopped my face onto that girls body the shadows are all wrong!"

alt:
"SUPERFISHAL? what ocean did you get that thing from?"

Paris Hilton mistakes stranger's convertible for Barbie-mobile, awkwardly tries to leave when she sits down and realizes she is anatomically correct and not wearing any underwear

I have a leprechaun in my panties, I call him Benji...

"Hi, Mind if I just- umm, steal this photo opp, soooo, yeah........
I used to be popular."

"Mr Ed called"

“Um, before you sit down Ms. Hilton can you please put something on the seat?”

“HMMM I am surprised you went with the Sparkly Head Band, cuz you are usually wearing a Pearl Necklace”

Paris wins the “Ms. Pepto-Bismal Crown” and gets to ride in the Macy’s Thanks Giving Day Parade!

Damn I need that botox.

"I think I'm making him nervous"

Paris Hilton a Princess/Constipated

PHLTC

Do these fake eyelashes make my wonk look big?

I let Mischa Barton video us doing it and all I got was this lousy headband.

Pardon me? Do you have any Grey Poupon? ....I need something to throw up in.

Paris and Leather together again...and it feels so good!!

Sophia Bush avoids the clamiest bush of them all!

Paris Hilton hearts knock knock jokes. Crystal Rock - still undecided.

Paris Hilton BANGS Invisible man in the back seat of a convertible!

"Spot one error in this picture."

Pretty in Pink...I mean, of course, the armpit.

Hocahontas Hilton is as welcome as a Sacagawea coin.

One second... I have to tuck my balls in.

One second... I have to tuck my balls in.

"Hey bitches, have you ever wondered if my pussy is as wonky as my eye?"

"It's a scratch and sniff!"

"It's a scratch and sniff!"

This is like dlisted.com, only less witty!

I take it back...nothing's actually LESS witty than dlisted.com, except maybe The Geekology Writer...but you all are definitely putting up a fight!

Paris channels Olivia Newton John, Gets Physical. Then her uterus falls out.

Paris channels Olivia Newton John and Gets Physical. Then her uterus falls out.

Oh girlfriend, you like my headband? Let me show you the matching bracelet...I keep it in my private girly place.

Oooh, sorry guys...I think Benji left his PH ring up there...

Hold on ladies, I need to let one rip. Do you mind? Of course not, cause you're my pets!

So Benji was telling me how he likes it in the pooper. Well wait til I show you what my surgeon gave me....!"

Paris should drop new BFF, the headband, for making her look ridiculous in public

Hey guys... I was just wondering... Does this headband cover my labotomy scar?

Paris Hilton: Slowing starving her brain of oxygen with Rainbow Bright's headband in attempt to make new friends.

And this headband hides my lobodomy scar!

"I was like such a mess when Benji and I broke up and then like Misha just told me to get a headband and she was right I'm like totally hot again. BTW do you like see the guy behind me? Who lets their underarm area look gross like that? He totally needs botox in his pits stat!"

"I was like such a mess when Benji and I broke up and then like Misha just told me to get a headband and she was right I'm like totally hot again. BTW do you like see the guy behind me? Who lets their underarm area look gross like that? He totally needs botox in his pits stat!"

"I was like such a mess when Benji and I broke up and then like Misha just told me to get a headband and she was right I'm like totally hot again. BTW do you like see the guy behind me? Who lets their underarm area look gross like that? He totally needs botox in his pits stat!"

Paris Hilton wants you to learn Kegel exercises too.

Paris Hilton: Pink, Sparkly, And Constipated

"Exclusive photo: the final seconds before Paris reveals her ...."

"These bitches have no idea I just farted in their face"

"These bitches have no idea I just farted in the juice bowl" Want some punch?

If it doesn't hurt to sit down, then you're just not Paris Hilton

If it doesn't hurt to sit down, then you're just not Paris Hilton

Half Breed the rich and stupid

Paris Hilton morphs into Meryl Streep...minus the talent.

Paris, I know you don't know much about movies, especially since most of yours never make it to the theater, but you do know that Xanadu is not a new release. Right?

233 is the best by far lmao

In a cross between the "physical" video and "legally blonde" Paris demonstrates the its better to be "Pissed Off than Pissed On"!

Paris: If we ignore it, maybe it will go away

"Oh that's where I put my dildo"

Paris Hilton has extreme abdominal pain

I thought this blinged out headband would make them quit looking at the zit on my chin!!

I thought this blinged out headband would make them quit looking at the zit on my chin!!

None of these captions are funny.

Can I borrow like 5 dollars?

...and TAHDAH! The construction cone has completely disappeared!

Hilton apologizes, exits car mumbling, "All these backseats are starting to look the same... Benji? Benji?!"

Oh Man "grunts" Benji wants his ring back and I "grunts" don't remember which hole he left it in...."long grunt".......hehehehehe

Oh Man "grunts" Benji wants his ring back and I "grunts" don't remember which hole he left it in...."long grunt".......hehehehehe

"Alright girls, who's ready for miles of cock?!"

My hair weave is BFF'in better than yours.

"Paris Hilton attempts chicken dance without undergarments, finds dignity compromised"

Paris gets her jay botoxed for Stavros!

Paris Hilton Does the Pee Pee Dance

This is not a caption for the contest.

Just to tell you how dumb is everyone. Who in the world wants free botox as a prize? And if you really want it, can't you afford it on your own? I mean c'mon people, how much can it be?

Instead, all you people are doing is giving this stie your REAL email addresses so you get tons of junk email. Everyone in this site knows that of course they want your VALID email address to sell you Canadian viagra (There isn't such thing as Mexican viagra).

People have opened email accounts exclusively to post here and after a while they start getting all kinds of spam.

I have to give credit to the superficial though. The strategy of giving wrinkled fat fucks free botox in exchange of a thousand+ email adresses is working.

BTW WTG #94

Somewhere in the world, a gay black man is missing a cock ring.

Paris Hilton chooses Cousin Itt over Uncle Fester. Pugley's penis lives to see another day.

Geez, I keep looking at some posts and I can't believe some people are even typing in their post their email address... that's just sad.
Offer people 2 lbs of superficial writer's morning shite and people will still participate and give out their email adresses. Only in America.

Anyway, here's your winning caption. Judging by the style of many of the posters in this site:

FIRST!!!!! :))))

"so i had my actual sphincter botoxed!! now when i fart, i do a little wolf whistle"

Paris jacks off on some girls shoulder.

Paris jacks off on some girls shoulder.

Lisa Lisa called...

"Someone isn't using their valetrex"

I'm with #816. (and #636)

NONE OF THIS SHIT IS FUNNY !!!!

Props to you, 'fish. It's painfully obvious that you have the hardest job on earth. These entries are beyond crap...!!!

Someone please change the subject to something funny... like Sarah Palin falling head-first into a wood chipper?

838 EPIC FAIL

"crowning? nope. that's just a potato. i guess you could say that i'm my own crock pot and i'm preparing dinner for later. wanna come over for thanksgiving?"

how'd i do that?

That tickles! I guess I wore panties

Oh honey no. Flashing your cooch is so last year.

paris hilton hires women to follow her everywhere and block paparazzi's shots of her scary vagina as she exits vehicles, best money she ever spent.

Breast cancer survivors protest Paris's use of pink

"Ooopsie! Girls, i just totally farted!"

"yes ladies, i lost my virginity, but still have the box it came in!"

"Lookee! This is sooo HOT! I'm wearing my electronic Jeff Stryker model tonight and if you press right here it goes 'Pew! Pew!! PEW!!!' "

This is going to a tough one for the judges, I swear I've read 8 epic ones.

@ 494 - pretty good for a fart joke
@ 503 - not that bad, gave me a chuckle.
@ 508 - damn funny
@ 509 - Are you a professional writer? It's funny yet it's clean!
@ 524 - Absurdly original, I like how one of the editors stole your joke concept.
@ 532 - Again, you've got to be professional. I loved this one. 5-stars!
@ 535 - LOL, great stuff, you ran with a theme and made it better! SNL call yet?
@ 778 - Hey a thinker's joke. I get it. Those coins are always unwelcome!

Well you're all winners in my book!

The combination of baldness and a jauntily inserted lollipop made Paris Hilton's Kojak impression Startlingly realistic. Who loves ya baby?!

P.s I wouldn't want botox but you'd be quite welcome to give Spencer Pratt a couple of shots of it in the tongue on my behalf. :D

(not a caption)

to practically everyone who has posted an entry to this contest:

you have proven most of yourselves to be complete fucking idiots. no shit, these are some of the dumbest fucking captions anyone has ever read. this is elementary-school material i'm seeing here. and the sad part is, you guys aren't being ironic, or self-deprecating, or whatever: for the most part, you really do seem to think your work is laugh-out-loud funny. which it isn't. not by a long shot. so far, with over 800 posts, I can count the ones that are funny on one hand. all of this really goes to highlight the caliber and intellect of the majority of the readers of this site. if i were the person in charge of this site, I would end this contest right fucking now, to spare it (the site) and you (the readers/posters) any further humiliation. you guys have, en mass, shit your pants, and you and just standing around grinning about it. give it a rest already: wipe your asses and lets just try to forget this ever happened...

**BREAKING NEWS ** THESUPERFICIAL.COM EXCLUSIVE REPORT**:
PARIS HILTON pushes a random hand AWAY from her vagina. Yes that's right, folks- you heard it FIRST here: AWAY from the vaginal area. AWAY.

Genital warts make sittting uncomfortable for Paris!

Paris, spinning her thin veiny phallus around in circles, shouts:

"WHIRLYBIRDS!"

Shhh! This is where I keep the syphilis!

Hi girls, anyone seen Kim Kardashian around, I wanted to let her know I just got botox in my vagina so I can try out this singing career again. I'm more popular than her RIGHT ???

Would the real Hollywood Herpe Girl, please stand up?

Glenda the good witch is melting

Glenda the good witch is melting

Ooohh heee-heee, that tickles David Spade, you're Shaggy Rogers facial hair is totally tickling my inner thigh, will you come out from down there....I know you're still embarrassed about knocking up Bunny McJuggs but it'll be okay lil fella.

"Paris explaining to a newbie how she already fucked her boyfriend last night and how she's such a bad fuck bc if she wasnt, he wouldnt have strayed"

OMG I swear to God on Bengi's life. Princes Di gave me this awseme tiara the night she died

"Damn these Hemorrhoids things hurt!"

Paris arrives at the Venereal Disease Hall of Fame to accept her Lifetime Achievement Award.

"Excuse me ladies, I seem to have dropped my dignity, self-respect, moral compass and overall relevance. Have you seen them?"

Paris, "See it's just a really, REALLY, bad case of ingrown hairs".

(not a caption) To everyone who posted saying that none of these are funny:

I think it's very likely that 95% of these captions were posted by some 12 year old kid who, quite possibly, doesn't even know what Botox is (a new PS3 game maybe?). Or maybe they're all posted by some retarded HGH-addicted frat boy who thinks it's the new Bowflex? I dunno, just sayin'.

Also @ 636... fuck I hate Family Circus and Marmaduke.

Also @ 636... fuck, I realy hate Family Circus and Marmaduke.

Also @ 636... fuck, I really hate Family Circus and Marmaduke.

Do I comment on Paris or the guys' sweaty pit? It's like she hatched from there is some really futuristic version of "Xanadu".

Do I comment on Paris or the guys' sweaty pit? It's like she hatched from there is some really futuristic version of "Xanadu".

@ 849

Well said, but I don't think your message will be understood. These morons just don't understand how fucking unfunny and lame they are. You have to take into consideration your audience. Possibly try connecting by speaking their language... Maybe try something like:

"You all are some stoopid fart-head qeefing buttfaced dumdums, and your comments smell like egg farts with herpes sauce. And whoever posts after me wants to be last in line for the annual Paris Hilton gangbang 2008."

I think I learned my lesson back at 636. I think I accidentally stumbled upon the demographic that finds The Family Circus and Marmaduke fucking HILARIOUS. (...shout out to 866/867/868...W00T!)

# 636 should win! That's the ONLY one that made me laugh!

Wearing the headband facilitates farting.

Damn, compared to my previous posts, some of those others are hilarious! If #494, #503, or any of my other posts isn't going to win, then I'll just have to whore myself out to get the prize. So I'm officially announcing that should one of my lame efforts be selected, I will have a marathon three-way with Randal and the douchenozzle Spencer himself, which will be videotaped and sent to Heidi as a wedding gift.

This is what happens when you confuse ex with ex-lax...

I just farted bitches, can you check my dress like now?

Paris Drop's It Like It's Hot. And by "It", I mean herpies.

Just you wait! I know the botox will work down here too! See? No more elephant skin!!! Wheeeee!!!!

Paris Hilton finally works hard for her money.

"..and this is my impersonation of Benji. Look, I'm barely standing up! Get it? 'Cause that's how short he is!"

Hold still...I think I can pop out one of your eyes with a nipple.

"... and that, my bitches, is how a real woman does a one cheek sneak..."

"The STDs make sitting hurt, so I'm just gonna hover awkwardly"

I've got fans! HA HA HA HA! Jealous much?

... And then Paris realized her mistake: The Silver Ring Thing Event was NOT a clever name for "jewelry auction."

I'm going to cry and whine about how unfunny everybody is yet, I keep coming back because I've got nothing better to do with my "life".

Here's a list of things I don't have.
1. Life
2. Job
3. Friends
4. Love and support of family.
5. Esteem
6. Sense of Humor.
7. Girlfriend
8. Webcam, meds and account for justintv so I can kill myself
9. An invitation to anybody's house for Thanksgiving
10. The ability to come up with an actual screen name

@ 884

Apparently I've hurt your little feelings, otherwise you wouldn't have bothered. Judging from the timing of your posts, the number of times you have posted, the fact that YOU just got trolled, and the complete absence of any wit, (the real giveaway) you may as well have signed your name to that post at 886.

Listen up, dickface-- that wasnt' me trolling you @874, so fuck off.

p.s. when you troll me in the future, could you at least TRY to be funny? or original? shit.

PARIS HILTON: Continues to sharpen her fashionista chops; -passes gas.

tammy fay circa 1978...

Hey 5-stars what are you blaming me for? My name got used by someone too (874). By taking aim at me I believe you've jumped the gun and admitted your guilt. You're as much an entity on as you are a detective, somehow you have concluded that I used your name by calculating the timing of my posts? Actually, I could easily sense that your animosity directed towards me and nobody else proves you had a motive to actually use my screen name. I guess the only way to find out who is who would be to actually read Balls McCoy posts and if the reader laughs we'll certainly know you didn't write them.

Oh and a good indication of who is whom is finding my writing flaw besides good grammar. I commonly abuse adverbs when I respond off the top of my head. I've used the word "actually" 3 or more times in the last post; I would've used a colon before a list, it's a grammatical pet-peeve.

OMG, the word "actual" in the fake 5-stars post, oh no it must have been me! OMG, he uses "quotation marks" as well. OMG, he uses punctuation marks! Like that one! And this one! OMG, he can spell! Great work Kojak. Why don't you change your name to douchenozzle.

Sorry fellas,but the best post keeps being #827.

And the winning caption will be #830

"Post a Comment.

Please keep your comments relevant to the post. Inappropriate or promotional comments may be removed. Email addresses are required to confirm comments but will never be displayed. To create a link, simply type the URL (including http://) or email address. You can put up to 3 URLs in your comments. "

None of the innapropiate comments have ever been removed from this site.

email addresses required to confirm comments? What the heck is that supposed to mean? I confirm my own coment here, look:

Comment confirmed.

There.

the "post a comment" text should read:

"Keep your comments relevant to the post if you want. You can say pretty much whatever you want. Inappropriate or promotional comments won't be removed because in the end, who the hell cares. Superficial staff doesn't monitor threads. Email adresses are required so we can make some extra cash selling them to viagra and dating sites, so type the real one at your own risk."

Congratulations FISH... you're almost there... getting a thousand+ valid email addesses for $500. Good deal!

Ha Ha. You guys said fart.

(not a quote)

Poopy. Queef. Box.

"OMG No he's not wearing the same thing as me!?"

@890/891

Okay, whatever BMC. I don't even know how to respond to your nonsensical gibberish. I read both posts twice, and STILL have no idea what the hell you are trying to say. Is English your first language, or are you recovering from a recent lobotomy? (..."You're as much an entity on as you are a detective" ...WTF???)

Let's just leave it at this: You are a talentless hack, and your pathetic cry for attention @ 847 is just proof that you are your own biggest fan. I'm pretty sure the only laughs you'll ever get is when you unzip your Levi's.

Choke on a dick, you shit-filled colostomy bag.

Hey girlz, check out my newest accessories, I'm wearing Benji's balls. He doesn't need them anymore and they make such lovely sounds when I dance.

PARIS: See girls, I told you it was diamond encrusted.
GIRL 1: Those are Diamonds? I didn't know they make red diamonds.
GIRL 2: It sure looks crusty.

PARIS: And light it in 3-2-1......
POOF.
GIRLS: that was hot Paris, do it again.

Decked out in the proper spacegear, Paris gets in position for take off in a Nasa inspired attempt to propel herself to the moon by using natural gases only!!!

"There really is no demure way to hide the itching, burning, flaking disaster between Paris's thighs."

899,900,901,902,899,900,901,902,899,900,901,902

Accessorize your lobotomy scar the Paris way!

Hey 5-stars go fuck yourself.

God forbid anybody try to just have a good time and make jokes on this fucking board. What the hell are we supposed to do here anyway? If you don't like it, Leave. Go ahead, or change your name again to hide from the fact that you're a hypocrite for even posting here when you have such a fucking problem with everybody. You're probably some spoiled prick or some catty fag. With great big internet muscles of course.

If you don't like what we're saying, having fun with celebs, then don't bother posting here anymore. And you know what, my posts are funny, if you don't get it, again, nobody is paying you to surf here.

You've got no right to complain about the site or the members making jokes when it's obvious you can't come up with anything original on your own. If your greatest mission in life is to bitch at what other people are doing, then maybe you ought to go see a fucking doctor or get a job or find some help. Or maybe you're just bored and have nothing better to do.

This is a contest for a Botox gift certificate. Who would fucking want that, can you give it as a gift? Fuck no! Is there anything more absurd? I'd just rather post an abundance of comments and have fun playing the game and that's all I'm doing.

5-star you take things so fucking seriously, you may or may not have used my name to bitch at me. I mean c'mon dude. You've won this contest, you've managed to make a bigger ass out of yourself than Paris Hilton.

Do I have lip gloss?! I have over 200 shades, just lemme grab them out of my HERPES bag.

"Paris supports breast cancer awarness week by wearing her grandmas tight pink night gown and showing that she, too, has zero boobs."

Paris: Damn...they gave me the wrong size necklace, this one won't go past my forehead.
Friend: Undo the clasp you lazy-eyed tard.
Paris: Ha! You are the tard! I don't have the clap yet; I have herpes and my Dr. says it can't be undone, but that you can control the outbreaks with medica...wait, what does that have to do with my necklace being too small anyway?!?

I wonder if this tacky headband is distracting enough to keep everyone from noticing the huge zit on my chin?

You bitches like Proust?

OMG! You're my biggest fan?! Of course you can have the names of all the people I've slept with! Here let me unroll my labia and show you the list I have, you might want to step back...um further....ummm................can someone get me her number cause I'm going to have to call her to tell her that she needs to go all the way to Florida to get the full list.

"Girls, just act like nothing is happening, I'm just gonna change my tampon real quick"

wait....I see what's going on here! I see your night cam you bitches!!! Well.....ok, as long as it doesn't end up in YouTube!

"Girls, just act like nothing is happening, I'm just gonna change my tampon real quick"

Paris proclaims that pink is the new black... and the man behind her agrees!

Can I keep this warm for you?

Paris: "I've never seen those geisha balls before, I promise.. where did they come from?!"

Girl on the left : Eww. something smells. Paris: Look girls, the fountain of youth.

Even though the smell just wouldn't go away, Paris like the prickly feeling of shoving more breathmints into her....

Paris reenacts her Peptobismo audition to show the bitches how her Method acting lessons have totally paid off.

Paris was superexited to become the international spokesmodel for Peptobismo.

After the Peptobismol, Viagra and Valtrex merged, in was only natural to crown Paris as their spokesperson.

AFTER PEPTOBISMO, VIAGRA AND VALTREX MERGED IT WAS ONLY NATURAL TO CROWN PARIS AS THEIR INTERNATIONAL SPOKESMODEL.

Sorry fellas,but the best post keeps being #827.

And the winning caption will be #830

WARNING! Paris Hilton was told she can spread herpes when one stares at her vagina, to complete her mission, it is expected that the number of Paris flashes will continue to increase drastically

sexysalsa612@aol.com

"Ok bitches which one of you BFFs is on pussy patrol tonight ? Before I go home with Carrot Top, I need one of you to check me for bumps. I'm feeling a tingle down there ! "

"Like my tiara ?? It doubles as my electronic monitoring device. It's from my Heiresses on The Run collection exclusively for QVC !"

"Yeeesssss my little pretties, I have your Toto right here!"

Jesus. I read as many as I could, but...Jesus. You people aren't funny at all.

Paris auditions for Grease musical as Rizzo of the Pink Herpes!

Paris HIlton to become Muslim

My only competition here is #20 i know i got this!!!

Rough Daddy - You are an idiot.

Get lost Mc queef!

I know it's too late, and I don't want botox, I just wanted to say:

"OMG! It's my bone-itus, I was so busy acting like an 80's whore I forgot to get it cured!"

Binky :Oh.Ok I guess I missed this one. Just seem to show up here on the occasional bender lately.
Who's that blonde woman in the pic I wonder ?
Cliff Notes : And we can't be bought. Right Bink ?

Cliff Notes : ....Right Bink ?

Binky : I'm still thinking - and let's face it Cliff - you're just a series of books.

Paris: "I gotta go, my crotch is burning again"

hey guys, I give out my real email address and I don't get any junk mail! I have google so I dunno if they just kick ass at junk mail or these lovely people (anticlown media) simply don't give out our emails...which would be really really really nice of them if they didn't. :D

So. # 939
What you twying to say exactwee ?
Inside job ?

It looks like her aureola is keeping her wig in place.

beautiful woman.. is she still stay with her husband.. someone posted on yahoo answers that she has a profile on the famous site !!!.sugarb a by myinterracialmatch.com you know it is a bad site for rich men to seek sexy girls.

She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site """" B i l l i o n a i r e p a l . c o m"""""" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site.Is she single again now? ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site """" B i l l i o n a i r e p a l . c o m"""""" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site.Is she single again now? ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆

Paris Hilton Set to Produce a "Hottie and the Nottie" Sequel

Paris's bottle opening trick!