Dec 1 2008The Superficial Wants to Botox You in the Face - Officially Ends!

See, my farts do smell like roses

this is interesting.

I am not posting a caption for the top photo. The Superficial is not getting my real e-mail address.

Haha suckers!

I would sit down... but there's nothing to sit on.

Nothing tickles more... than crabs on your thighs

I would sit down... but there's nothing to sit on.

Nothing tickles more... than crabs on your thighs

Paris immediately regretted speaking out on her urinary incontinence and agreeing to be the new spokeswoman for Depends.

Tip slip!

"I think I just leaked" chough@palms.net

I think I lost my ben wa ball? Have you seen it?

Paris: ooooo.....i gotta pee so bad
Girl on right looking at Paris' crotch.....too late.

See, girls? It looks just like that guy's armpit!

"Let's all get high and look at my vagina"

Instead of, "From there our crack team"... the Fishes post should read, "From there our team on crack"

That's it ...just keep smiling Paris, maybe no one will realize you just SHAT yourself....

I just let one rip, That's Hot!

"Sorry, haven't shaved my kitty in a while...a Loooong while. Go HIPPIES!" (yanks out hairy fur ball between thighs)

Paris Hilton - "See, Girls Poop Too!!"

Move your head, bitch. You're blockin my upskirt.

I'm sorry, but I think I just got Herpes on your seat.

Sure you can borrow it, but it'll need fresh batteries.

Damn, that was a good burrito.....

.

Yes, I did have the chili. Why?

Do you want to be my new BFF?
We can wear silly headbands together.

Yes, I did have the chili. Why?

Paris Hilton taking a dump in the back of a convertible, thanks to botox, you can't even see her face straining.

Oops, I just farted...

the only kind of sex paris should be having is with a senso ring.

No thanks, only thing I need botox on is my wrinkly balls

" I think I just queefed"

Tina Fey Was Right, Paris IS a Tranny!

I have to pee!! Can somebody shove a fire hose up my pussy? Why? It's the only drainage thingy that won't fall out.

Annnnd this is what it'll look like when you reach my age.....yeah the curtains tend to get a bit tattered...what can I say, it's a occupational hazard.

Tina Fey Was Right, Paris IS a Tranny!

got malibu barbie? stiff arms and legs, fake tan, plastic face and a fabulous 80's outfit!

::::::GO SHORTY, GO SHORTY, we're gonna party like it's your birthday!!!::::::::

ooops. wrong rapper guy. my bad.

Good evening, I'm Pocahontas and I'll be your cocktail waitress.

"Paris Hilton has gremlin face-widening surgery"

i'm so sorry, i accidentally just did your boyfriend. happy birthday.

Ooops! I just sat on Benji!

I've got a mangina!

Tinkerbelll.....time to come out now...

Rich young chick: What's that smell?
Paris: What smell?
Rich young chick: And why is there a flock of seagulls following you?
Paris: Oh no! I forgot my panties again, RUN!!!

Paris Hilton attempts to demonstrate the nationality of her new boyfriend Nick.

I love showing you young girls how to unscrew the top of a big pickle jar with just your va-jay-jay. That vinegar smell is the pickles girls, and not the industrial strength crotch clean that the Superficial Writer likes to sniff so much. Opps, maybe I'm wrong! Stand back, watch your eyes, careful of the fumes. Damn that crotch clean and its minor side affects, you girls should be able to see again in a couple days....sorry..hehehe

Paris Hilton attempts to demonstrate the nationality of her new boyfriend Nick.

Like, you guys wanna see something REALLY gross?

"Hey girls look! I tricked the Superficial Guy, no couchie tonight, I am wearing panties!"

Rich young chick: What's that smell?
Paris: What smell?
Rich young chick: And why is there a flock of seagulls following you?
Paris: Oh no! I forgot my panties again, RUN!!!

Why, yes, I do have crabs. How sweet of you to notice!

Alternately:

This headband is holding on my weave, gals! Shhh...

Holy shit, I just sharded.

Paris Hilton, Angel of Whorish, spreads her ways to the youth of America

"Oh how hot is this, my panties match your leopard-print scarf"
"Paris, you're not wearing panties, those spots are on your skin"
"Yeah. you need to see a physician, I think you have a venereal disease"
"It's so hot that we match though, right?"

Damn..oh..wait..yeah I think I found it..nope that's not it...oh come on..ahhhh..there it is..damn strap on. go get my bff...

Damn..oh..wait..yeah I think I found it..nope that's not it...oh come on..ahhhh..there it is..damn strap on. go get my bff...

Shoulda used Preparation-H...

Pari Hilton Explains Why it is So Important to Always Use a Condom..

"What's that? No, I don't smell anything."

Paris Hilton is the princess of constipation.

all these captions are FAIL

here, let me slide my seat forward to make room for that chin......wait, did you just shart?

No herpes are no match for CONAN THE DESTROYER!!!!!!

Oh sorry ladies.. I had a little too much to drink and didn't notice Benji's strap on got stuck in my ass. I'd get it removed but the doctors won't go near my herpes garden. You know... It happens. We're still BFFs right???

See that "car" over my shoulder? Yea, well it's really a pimped out toilet. The "door handle" actually flushes AND douches you (with evian water of course) at the same time. I got dibs next!

See, how all these ugly fuckers on this site want a free botox.

I hope this doesn't come out an S.B.D.

Well, the directions say to remain in this position until I have the urge to move my bowels.

"Excuse me ladies, but have you see one of these?" said the Paris-Hilton-tribute tranny.

Herpes are no match for CONAN THE DESTROYER!!!!!!

Too much back-door action spoils the moment for Paris' sparkly head gear.

"Now that you're 16 I'll teach you how to get publicity"

Herpes are no match for CONAN THE DESTROYER!!!!!!

"You're daddy paid me $250,000 to make an appearance, so the least you could do is look excited to see me"

Paris Hilton is an Ass Hat

Will you snap a picture of me by that guys pit stain? Dirty people are so funny - god, he's probably poor, too.

"No silly... it's me Paris...not Mushy Fartone!"

okay girls, the next challenge to see who will become my new BFF is this: I just farted and you have to guess what I ate for breakfast. good luck ladies!

okay girls, the next challenge to see who will become my new BFF is this: I just farted and you have to guess what I ate for breakfast. good luck ladies!

Valtrex let's me sit down worry free in strange cars again!

Paris Hilton makes goofy face, then stands in awkward fashion, to distract onlookers from chin zit.

Look where I stuffed your birthday present.

In her ongoing quest to steal some spotlight back from Kim Kardashian, Paris finds an empty seat while waiting for her turn to audition for Dancing with the Stars. Her partner, Michael Lohan, stretches in the background.

"excuse me ladies,i think i sharted,hehe."

This band squeezed my brains out... Or did I ever had them?

Paris Hilton: "If you wanna be my new BFF, clean up my shit! No, I'm not kidding, clean it up before The Superficial finds out."

LOOK! I do it just like my eyelashes except up-and-down!

Hey new BFF, do you like my diamond encrusted beak enlarger?

Paris Hilton reveals she is actually Clay Face in disguise.

How ironic, a site about how superficial all of these celebrities are, and everyone clambering to get free botex.

Paris Hilton (left) takes time from her busy schedule to educate local teens (right) on the (vagina ravaging) dangers of a decade of untreated venereal disease.

"Hi girls, my penis is bigger than yours"

"Excuse me, ladies... have either of you seen my panties? I seem to have lost them... again! Hehehe..."

Ohhhh... I have done something Funny in my Panties...

I agree all these comments fail so much. Just jokes about pissing and shitting? Jesus, how fucking original. Why don't you say she's fat next. Think outside the box! Oh, wait, you're all competing for free botox.

damn itch.

"Paris Hiltons farts... declares it 'HOT'!"

"Paris Hiltons farts... declares it 'HOT'!"

Perhaps a byproduct of her genetic memory of being conceived over a dead cow, nothing in the world amuses Paris more than farting on leather.

Who in the hell wants Botox as a prize? Worst. Contest. Ever.

"I have to pee so bad...but I'm holding it as LONG as possible because it burns when I pee."

Want to know what I got you for your Birthday,girlfriend?
A complete set of, His and Herpes, bath towels.
Can you introduce me to your dad?

Has anyone seen Benji??? Tell him I want my anal virginity back!!!

Hey bwes fwend! Botwox???? yeah wite... like bwi need bwotox!

My chasity belt isn't supposed to be around my head??? But really I am a virgin!!!

Is my shitty caption less shitty if i post 3 times?

Paris knew she was lied to about wearing a tight headband would ease the pain of a herpes blistered vulva, but she kept up a brave front.

"this is where dicks go to die. right here"

Caption contest

"No really, now squeeze the right one. It's even perkier!"

Paris discusses the importance of being modest

Paris discusses the importance of modesty

Paris discusses the importance of modesty

You motherfuckers are so stupid!
Who the fuck wants fuckin botox as a fuckin prize???
Stick it up your ass Fish!!!
You fucking need botox for your fuckin jokes and comments cause they aren't fuckin funny, you fag!!!
What a load of shit!!!

Paris should have used preparation H.

Paris demonstrates her uncanny impersonation of Heidi Montag farting.

#20 should win. It made me laugh out loud. The others suck.

Paris pees on new BFF's $2000 silky black dress...and she LIKED it!

"you see the man behind me with sweaty stinky pits? Well my vagina-dick just armpit fucked him and its growing a baby arm!" :D

paris hilton caught crop dusting sweet 16!

Inability to sit down from swelling- check.

Permapuke look on her face- check.

Subconsciously picking pink in remembrance- check.

The aftermath of rebound anal sex with Criss Angel to spite Benji- checkmate.

Paris Hilton confesses Benji wasn't sponge worthy

Paris Hilton confesses Benji wasn't sponge worthy

*edit

Paris demonstrates her uncanny impersonation of Heidi Montag taking a shit.

Excuse me ladies, I think my Activia yogurt diet is starting to catch up with me. BRB.

Hey Rocky, watch me pull Cousin Itt out of my devil's hole!

Paris, smiling disingenuously, excuses herself upon finding out that this wasn't THAT kind out crystal rock party...

See, my headband matches my cock ring.

Paris attends teenage birthday, sports dress and acne to match

"Oops, sorry. All that apple cider has made me a bit queefy!"

Paris Hilton just sharted. Thank God she has sworn off panties. Poop stains are a bitch!

Damn! You can't see my bitchin' legwarmers in this picture.

Paris Hilton gives innocent bystanders Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by showing them her "Ping Pong Ball Trick" (No Paddles Involved)

"Does this look infected to you?"

"Oops! Something just popped loose... can I borrow your dad's bedazzler?"

#20 is funny. The rest, no so much.

Thanks for keeping my seat warm, now back in the backseat bitch!

I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too!

Paris took the whole "Free Spirit" look a little too far when she farted in the car

I did think outside the box but they censored me because it used the "N-word." I can't help it if that's the way she talks.

"And that convenes my lesson on being famous for making a home-made porn"...booyaah!!!

Paris Hilton lifts skirt.. inadvertently opens doorway to seventh ring of hell..

BREAKING NEWS: Two women successfully brave Paris Hilton's ungodly company without HAZMAT suits!

I vote for number 20. It's the only one that made me laugh.

Sorry, your car wasn't supposed to pop out of my Vagina until midnight.

Paris Hilton always looks like she's sitting down onto a giant dildo.

Paris Hilton explaining/showing her paid-for friends what New Jersey smells like.

Paris - I use the Nuva Ring brtrh control.........wanna see it?

Hey yo...The curtains don't match the carpet people!!!

"Woops penis almost slipped out"
"penis...getting...erect..must..hide.."

Hey yo...The curtains don't match the carpet people!!!

mmm hmmm... i'm going to eat you with my vagina.

mmm hmmm... i'm going to eat you with my vagina.

mmm hmmm... i'm going to eat you with my vagina.

Under extreme heat and pressue, coal can be turned into diamonds. After this kegel her headband will be complete.

Say my name, Bastien, say my name!

Birdnose McTrampypants attempts to look stylish, ladylike, not STD infested.

"This one time at band camp...."

"Quick! Get the cup!"

The Crypt Keeper escaping his tomb with a UTI AKA Paris Hilton

Paris realizes she's a loser and accepts money to attend a 16th Birthday party, then she gets up and leaves to buy herself some cranberry juice

Ahhhhhh this feels better than sitting on Benji!

That's too bad... I always read the Superficial to mock the looks-obsessed cult of fake beauty that most of these stars subscribe to, and now I find that the site is promoting Botox, the very thing they usually mock. Only in an incredibly fucked up society is having a toxin injected into your face something for which people compete.

"When dressed as a flight attendant, it's okay to poop your pants."

Fish, it appears that you have the toughest job in the whole world.

Paris Hilton continues vapid lifestyle. Superficial readers obsessed with stupid dick and fart jokes. Who didn't see this coming?

The person who posted their email address in the comment section should win. That's fucking hilarious.

"Oh yeah! I was once 16... can't you tell form my outfit choice?."

"Oh yeah! I was once 16... can't you tell from my outfit choice?."

For the 100th time Paris Hilton gets rocked in the backseat!

Let's get Physical, Physical

One day I will be able to sit down like a normal girl... Once the soreness goes away!

Class in session: Paris begins mentoring Crystal in the art of being a whore

Paris Hilton puts her tampon in the wrong hole, tries to sit on invisible chair

*FART* "Ohhhh... that's hot."

Would you be a dear and pass the Vagisil. That's hot.

Que dang!

"Paris Leaves Benji for Cousin Itt!"

With the economy entering recession, Hollywood attempts to bolster sales by ruining another movie franchise with an unecessary sequel. This time brand icons collide in "Face-Off part Deuce" Paris Hilton and the travelocity gnome.

A Botox injection? Damn, a t-shirt would have been enough for me.

Paris: "Does this headband distract you from the herpes my chin?"

Tag line:

Paris Hilton: Turning into Donetella Versace.
or
Paris Hilton Fires Make-up Artist, upon Visual Acne!!

Oh I have to let the leather cool off...I just farted and its a little hot!!!

"Ladies, the secret to getting some, is to wear nonsensical accessories and garish clothes.. That way almost nobody notices your abstractly haggish face."
*pause*
*refocuses eye*

"I'm totally like a magician or something. That guy behind me really knows how to work it also....He's about to penetrate me!!!!! Watch and learn girlies!!!"

Bitches replace Paris?! Paris angry! Paris smash!

And botox? so even if you win, you lose.

LONELY

Because Brittney wouldn't return my phone call?

Wait a minute... we HAVE to spend the $500 on botox? I thought that was just part of the witty reparte that is the Superfish...

Oh wait... yeah, nevermind.

Look girls! My new herpes sore looks like a turkey! Gooble Gooble

Paris Hilton relieved to no longer be constipated. Credits anal as cure.

'Look with the Botox the lips are so big you don't even notice the herpes'

Me Pink Poke-a-hoe-tus.

Me cop'em squat.

.

Paris Hilton finds a cure for constipation in Crystal Rock's new Car.

"Paris: my 6th and 7th senses tell me these girls would be perfect spawns from the depths of shallowness"

“Thank you for the beautiful tiara and the award for inspiring this “wet labia armpit shirt” modeled behind me. Most of the credit goes to little miss cow tongues…..hold on she wants to say a few words…..”

Ok this is a revised version to #166

Paris gets rocked in the backseat at birthday party!

can i just get the 500 in cash?

Paris attended the "lets drop the ball" practice party this last weekend for the upcoming new years eve reviling of the all new super spectacular times square ball (ends up they decided to upgrade all those little 60 watt light bulbs to whopping 75 watt'ers). The event planners where proud to announce everything went off without a hitch, and even Paris was thrilled that she could help out when one of her balls managed to drop below that gorgeous pink dress line to say a quick hello to a few of the guests. But in all seriousness folks joking about a quick visit from the brain is not a laughing matter.... that reminds me about this one time in gym class I was rockin those bitchinly short running shorts while I was spotting a fellow classmate while he was pressin the iron. And I popped a Paris, but instead both of the harry guys decided to drop in for a quick hello on buddy's forehead. HAHAHAHA... good times hanging out with the special needs gym class. Timmy just wouldnt stop asking questions about why the left was hanging so much lower then the right.

*fffffffffffffftt* sorry girls. it's so hard to keep those in when you've been pounded in the ass so many times.

I feel pretty, Oh, so prettyyyyyyyyyy,
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
Any girl who isn't me tonight.

Paris Hilton on Kate Moss. "My Name is My Brand as Well!" *Grunts* "That Was Hott..and Steamy!"

sasblackbelt@yahoo.com

No I haven't seen your boomerang.

"Though Botox seemed like an idiotic prize for any contest not being held by Cher, it was quickly discovered that none of the competitors had anything else going for them."

I agree with those who have merely LOL'ed at the blasphemous attempts at creativity/gastrointestinal humor. But really, if the gold medal is plastic surgery, where else can you be but at the F*cktard Olympics?

Do the drapes match the carpet? Only if I shaved my head, tee-hee-hee!

If I do win, I'd rather spend the money on a bikini than botox. Doesn't that count for something?

Damn, I wish my snatch would stop iching!!

My advice on handling mean press? Start a juicy rumor about yourself so you can laugh at the idiots who believe it! But don't take Herpes - that one's mine.

OR

So, yeah, it can totally spread to your face.

ahh the back seat brings Paris joyful memories

Paris "My Face Looks Like A Foot" Hilton seen here wearing a crown of diamonds, claims herself, to be the second coming jesus.

Paris enters farting contest, wins tacky tiara

Excuse me, my cell is vibrating ... in my underpants ... HA! Fooled you, I'm not wearing underpants!

Ladies, can I sit in your backseat? I just had sex with a sweaty armpit man and my crotch hurts. thanks.

This is too fukinhilarious! I guess the Superficial got it right with 'because you're ugly' I've never seen so many dumbass comments to get botox. FREAKS

And now that I am single those girls look "pretty hott"

And now that I am single those girls look "pretty hott"

oops. didnt mean to put the email in the actual thing. haha

definately some funnies in here!

You girls want to see my wiener?

Pardon me girls, do you have any tinactin? This jock itch is killing me.

Drr, Drr, Drrrr.

You girls want to see my wiener?

Pardon me girls, do you have any tinactin? This jock itch is killing me.

Drr, Drr, Drrrr.

Want to touch my pee-pee?

Paris finally whips out her secret surprise!

Embarrised Hilton, why? because even the chicks wanna see up that skirt.

Look girls, my va jay jay is the new scratch and sniff! Can you guess what mine smells like? Now that's hot. No really, touch it. Its FLAMING!

"It's not the burning I mind so much.....as the itching. "

For her 16th birthday, Paris lets the birthday girl play 'Hide the Fist' in her pussy

Paris turns into love child of Heidi Montag and Richard Simmons, shows audience her wee-wee

10 seconds later:

"It's not the itching I mind so much...as the burning".

uuuunnnnnnnnnhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

Shit Biscuit: Paris Hilton succeeds Sarah Jessica Parker as the new (horse) face of Garnier.

Paris Hilton graciously unscrews a gallon jar of horse semen before sharing it with the Olsen sisters.

Paris says My seat is wet

Paris Hilton rips ass in Bentley

Paris lets one loose... with a smile!

"Like a venus fly trap, my giant vagina has captured David Spade.
He's telling jokes to my asshole and they're funny *giggles*.

Yes my children, there is a Tranny Claus

Like my new nose, girls? I was going for the duck's beak look. Quack quack.

That's hot! No, really...that's hot! Turn off the seat warmer bitches.

That's hot! No, really...that's hot! Turn off the seat warmer bitches.

BFFs, learn from the mistress. I'm going to strike an awkward pose that will make it in The Superficial. I bet that whack job will even have a caption contest for it.

Ready, 1 2 3 Fake Smile

Paris instructs the next generation on how she achieved celebrity status.

I've been holding Benji Madden's load in my mouth for all these months ... thank god I can finally let it out!!! Snowball anyone?

Sorry, that was Stavros. I know Benji is in here somewhere.

Paris Hilton Loves Little Girls!

Desperately wanting to clinch the "2008 Paris Look-Alike Contest", Denise easily won by flashing diseased, disfigured "naughty bits".

Don't worry #210. I'm sure you won't regret it.

Think of all the intelligent commentary we've seen so far. You probably won't have to change your email address for another two maybe three hours.

i have to piss...where's kim kardashian? gillespiegonzalesblack@gmail.com

Desperately wanting to clinch the "2008 Paris Look-Alike Contest", Raoul easily won by flashing a diseased, disfigured lumpy penis with several homeless living in it.

Paris Hilton a microsecond before throwing the first punch after Ashley Olsen commented that Paris was a "silly plastic herpes dispenser that infected half the good heterosexual men in America and turned the other half stark raving gay."

Rupaul and Rambo must be pissed, get your own look Paris

"Yeah I'm totally single now that I caught Benji doin the Geekologie writers mom. So do you two have brothers?"

"Yeah I'm totally single now that I caught Benji doin the Geekologie writers mom. So do you two have brothers?"

Paris Hilton rises to retrieve her nest egg, unaware it has been snatched by the nefarious Olsen Sisters crime syndicate.

I promise sweetie, this won't hurt a bit....

Everybody look - I shaved off the 'B' !

Paris: Dude, your dad wreaks!!!
Crystal: I know, I tried to tell him to just keep his arms down if he's still going to refuse to wear deodorant.

Warriors!... Come out and Play-E-YAaaaaa!

Paris Hilton desperately trying for Madonna guns.

Paris Hilton ups the ante in her quest for the ultimate douche-nozzle, dons ridiculous circlet, profits?

OMFG! at first glance i thought that was Heidi

Do I have Kids? Not yet. Just a few crusty prospects on my inner thigh.

Paris Hilton: "In an attempt to distract you all from my chin-herpes, I'm gonna show you all my penis! Ready?!!"

Paris Hilton: No longer interesting in any way!

Paris Pops a Squat, Delivers (Poo?) Car at Sweet 16....

"Hey, is Benji Madden on the $50 bill? He's not? Then why have i been stuffing his face in meat wallet the past year?"

The young Crystal sneaks a peek at what her pussy will look like after the million man beat down, Paris suddenly remembers to breathe again. Yay Paris!!

Paris Wears Headband to Stop People from Picking Her Brain.

I'm the hottest tranny ever!!

Paris Hilton shows friends eel skin watch.

This young lady to my left is executing what's known as "The Ventriloquist." We're still working out the kinks, but as of right now she operates my blinking with her thumb. My mouth is opened and closed by a team of puppeteers that have lived inside me since 1987.

Pairs Hilton may/may not have itching/burning of the genitalia.

So i thought I would come up with something funny, but all I can think of when I look at this is: fuck now I have a headache.

If you think my face is gross you should see the sores on my ax wound.

Paris' Mistankenly Wears Cock Ring as a Headband.

Paris demonstrates hands-free gear shifting to her passengers. 0 to 60 in 3 martinis!

Paris takes a back seat to Crystal Rock Audigier and is all "broken-out" about it.

Peeing in Pink.

See, I told you bitches my diaphragm was both holiday festive and big enough to fit around my head.
And, btw, if your purse doesn't match you can also use it to keep...what the..? Tinkerbell?! I thought you ran away!

paris hilton stops the show at crystal rocks' recent sweet sixteen party by demonstrating one of her new products. that silver halo on her head is actually a device that will automatically convert your farts into one of ten different fragrances. here she is passing the sweet scent of chocolate to the amazement of the other partygoers attending. damn!!! i'am still working on my scratch and sniff photo software so i can't actually share the full experience of scents like burned popcorn or 10-40 weight oil coming out of paris hiltons' ass...............until then you'll just have to get it from your local convience store, bring it home and smother yourself in it while looking at the above posted shot. wwwwhhhhheeeeeeeeeee!

Paris takes a back seat to Crystal Rock Audigier and is all "broken-out" about it.

Paris takes a back seat to Crystal Rock Audigier and is all "broken-out" about it.

Shocking news - Paris has an Eifel Tower-shaped penis!

Shocking news - Paris has an Eifel Tower-shaped penis!

Kathy Hilton arriving at the book signing of her new book: "Raising an Accidental Pornstar".

"God damn chimichangas."

Bloated Chicken Disco Hooker Barbie...coming soon to an adult store near YOU.
*** Free antibiotics with valid doctor's note confirming your VD.

"Let's get physical, bitches!"

"You think that's impressive, wait till you see what I pull out of my vagina next!"

...so THAT'S what happened to David Spade.

paris hilton hires heads to block potential crotch shot

'all you have to do is push like this, and the last guys nut will squirt right out. Next please!'

"Paris, I swear to god-if you facing an outbreak and dont have on panties, do NOT sit on that seat. Make an ugly-tranny face if we're clear!"

"Paris, I swear to god-if you facing an outbreak and dont have on panties, do NOT sit on that seat. Make an ugly-tranny face if we're clear!"

Hotel Heiress Paris Hilton stunned party-goers at a charity event in L.A. last night when she threw a tantrum on stage during an auction. Miss Hilton's spokesperson had this to say: "It was an honest mistake. Paris walked in the room after the lot description and just assumed the girls were a part of her winning bid. She is still in the market for healthy livers, however."

Malibu Barbie stuck in her kegel exercise position. I wonder if her pelvic floor has been swiffered lately?

Paris Hilton - "Does anybody else's crotch itch?"

Those herpes meds give me the runs.

Paris Hilton: Finally Thin Enough to Fit into her Barbie's Clothes

"See girls, I keep it cleanly shaved and duct taped to one leg"

or

"It's like my own little Grand Canyon"

or

"This is my only real BFF"

Yep...that was wet.

so these seats are NOT coated with acid repellent? my bad...

"Sorry I'm late, guys. I got my head stuck in a disco ball. Did I get any one me?"

"Sorry I'm late, guys. I got my head stuck in a disco ball. Did I get any one me?"

Paris rips a big one.....blames sparkly headband for squeezing her ass (head) to tight.

Paris: Why does everyone keep giggling about me being 'in the pink'?

Paris: Why does everyone keep giggling about me being 'in the pink'?

" Normally I screw three different penises a day -- It's my breakfast, lunch, and dinner--But today, I changed it up a bit , and did them all at the same time! It hurts to sit and my jaw is totally out of wack!"

Paris Hilton: "teehee...you know what they say about big feet? *wink* (feels on her herpes/wart encrusted 12" dick wrapped with hello kitty bad-aide) it shoots and I swallow ;)."

Ooops...I crapped my pants.

Paris is tickled by the old familiar burning itch.

I know I have your Christmas gifts in here somewhere, just give me a second to find them.

Oops I crapped my pants!

Look at all you pathetic invisible no ones racking your cornish hen brains to get a measly $500 bucks from posting rat nasty comments when you could whore yourself out like me & get $250,00 a night. So, I'm still looking for new BFF's, anyone wanna an application?

"This tinfoil headband protects me from herpes!"

OH MY!!!!.....Benji I need a Brilo pad stat. . . .BENJI?!!. . . . .SH*T!

"I hope you don't mind your new car smelling like queef!"

Paris Gives The Gift That Keeps On Giving (Herpes)

Welcome to Hilton's House of Hamburgers, would you like fries with that?

"IT'S A NEW WORLD! ITS A NEW DAY! IT'S A NEW DISEASE - BFF HERPES!"
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.
.
.
.
.
.
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Please vote for it. I need vaginal reconstruction.

Paris: "Look girls - I put the clam in chlamydia"
"Now that's HOT... and kinda itchy"

'Wicked Witch of the West Coast revives Xanadu."

"yeah i totally just farted in this girls car..."

look at me I'm a rich hippie witch!!

"I'm thinking of endorsing Nair, aren't my balls smooth?"

P-Rex, aka "Peptis Bismol," prepares to take a crap on (eat?) some hookers.

"Sorry girls! Sometimes it makes a quacking noise when I bend over."

"Look girls, when I sqeeze my balls it looks like brains."

Paris dispensing important skank training to newbies

"Abortions really make your uterus sore!"

Finally, a face that embodies everything Hollywood holds dear; The Superficial.

Oops. I just pooped a little bit!!

"Daddy Warbucks is like totally trying to get his money worth. Yea,he's like making me wear this & then perform a workout video in his bedroom later tonight?? It should be released by Christmas but I totally don't know anything about it. Pinky Swear!! "

"Someone pulled Paris' finger."

(Also refer to #174!)

Do you think my butthole is prettier than my face? No really...look...its smiling and winking.....

New Product Line:
Tinfoil Headbands - Keep Scientologists From Reading Your Thoughts!
by Pairs Hilton: When Crazy Meets Classy (it's hard to keep from peeing yourself!)

And for my next trick im going to pee and have it come out of that guys armpit. Thats HOT

or

Who wants to see my Yule Log?

Paris Outfit Causes Scientologist Stampede at Barney's (L.Ron Pleased)

Paris Hilton: She fucked your grandmother

Paris Hilton: I stole the batteries from her remote once.

Paris Hilton: She's the Paris Hiltoniest.

Paris Hilton: What the fuck is she wearing??

Paris Hilton: She's not currently stuffing a dick in her mouth, but she's got that look in her eyes that says, 'I don't care that I'm the mental equivalent of a bag of old grease and underpants, I'll sacrifice what's left of my laughable dignity and make another video to put on the internet."

P.S. I don't want any damn Botox, I'm sexy enough as it is. I'm just trying to share some laughs. And give a sensual massage to a hot lady in my candlelit room that is in no way in my parent's basement. I just figured being funny on the internet is the way to go.

No, I really can't move my face right now, just my lips. I'm actually really pissed off at you for making me stay an extra half hour with no pay. It's just this Botox that I got in Brazil seems to have really been motor oil. Even my face is allergic to it, I'm too rich to get zits. I can pay them to get lost.

"Ya'll seen my boobs around here?"

Paris Hilton talks to teenagers, Herpes awareness decreases

"i'd love to stay and chat, but it like totally burns when i sit."

"If I show everyone my penis, nobody will give a damn about the giant goiter on my chin!! Peace, love, and... oh this rash sucks...."

"PARIS LECTURES TEEN GIRLS ON THE IMPORTANCE OF STD SCREENING"

Is this Paris Hilton channeling Heidi Montag or Heidi Montag channeling Paris Hilton? I'm so confused...

"Don't worry girls, our secrets are safe, I've got my tin foil headband on this time!"

Paris Hilton wants you to see her crotch.

In other news, the sky is blue.

The carjacking would have gone seamlessly if not for the reflector band, positively identifying Olivia Newton John circa 1984.

Paris Hilton is a hermaphrodite and likes to show off her penis at parties. (She's hung like a horse!!)

THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!!!!!!!!!!!!

Don't worry, girls---it won't bite...MY HAND!!! OH, SHIT, IT'S GOT MY HAND!!! SOMEBODY GRAB A MACHETE!!!

"No, no, hehe. I SWEAR the herpes won't get on your seat."

Paris Cover Her Crotch for Christmas

Yes... slowly... keep smiling... just keep your legs together paris. You are calm and collected, they'll never know WHERE you're hiding the bottle of cristal.

Paris wants to be like Boliwood

Paris is broke, accepting donations 'down there'. Uncle cries "Firsties!"

No no the hot guy next to the helper.

"Paris Hilton Quiefs; Onlookers Bring Lawsuit Alleging First-Ever Case of Airborne Gonorrhea"

FUCK! This is NOT the time for the insurance to cancel my subscription to Valtrex.

What do you mean ONLY ten valtrex is too many to take a day?!

Oh wait...I think my balls just dropped. Can someone pick them up please? I'd like them dipped in gold and put on my wall.

dangeroustoaster@hotmail.com

"I think this headband is pushing the Botox into my eyelids"

"Hay Bff's, can one of u guys get this ZIT on my chin?"

The first and second can be together or seperate
:]

dangeroustoaster@hotmail.com

"Hay Bff's, can one of u guys get this ZIT on my chin?"

The first and second can be together or seperate
:]

dangeroustoaster@hotmail.com

I am soooo embarrased, but my Valtrex must've fallen out of my evening bag. You two don't have any handy, do you?

See, rectal ventriloquism IS a talent!

- Meet the new Zipperhead

- Pink is the new Crazy

oh, there's my purse...
(musta sat on it)