Dec 28 2008Ashlee Simpson & Pete Wentz unveil Bronx Mowgli
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz unveiled their future axe-murder Bronx Mowgli Wentz in a holiday card on their website Friends or Enemies.com. This only further proves my theory that Ashlee Simpson is dead. I mean, talk about classic textbook murder. If I've seen it once, I've seen it a thousand times:
Boy meets Girl.
Boy wants baby but without lifelong commitment to Girl and her "icky parts."
Boy goes to John Mayer's house for playdate.
John Mayer suggests some wicked Weekend at Bernie's action to solve Boy's problem.
Boy agrees then requests a naked high five.
Boy and John Mayer alternate scarf-knitting and sweet love-making.
Boy cuddles with John Mayer.
John Mayer says "Do you ever feel like we're the only two souls on Earth."
Boy wistfully responds "Yeah" then sighs contently.
Boy suggests some hot cocoa would go great with their spooning.
John Mayer says "Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don't freak out."
Boy totally freaks out.
John Mayer tries to point out it's not what the Boy thinks.
Boy thought he had really found someone, you know.
Boy now wants to be left alone to sulk and write shitty commercial-friendly emo music.
Boy goes home and waits in his Nightmare Before Christmas pajamas for Girl to give birth and return from hospital.
Boy realizes it's only June.
Boy wishes he brought a Gameboy.
Boy orders pizza.
Boy wonders if Conan's on...
Yup, same old story.
Reader Comments
1. Danklin24 - December 28, 2008 4:48 PM
Aww he's got Ashlee's nose. Well, one of them at least.
2. Kane - December 28, 2008 4:48 PM
I'm first - my penis is therefore huge.
3. Kane - December 28, 2008 4:50 PM
Damnit, second.
My penis has gotten shorter :(
4. Truth doctor - December 28, 2008 5:39 PM
I was expecting a third line on the card.
Something like "ps. she can take 3 fingers now! -pete"
5. amanda - December 28, 2008 5:39 PM
so its a pic of the BABY right?
why is it that the focus of the pic is the parents?
these 2 suck
6. Bill Clinton - December 28, 2008 5:39 PM
That kid is thinking "What the fuck...??? I am SO running away from home as soon as these losers teach me to walk!"
7. Alice - December 28, 2008 5:54 PM
BRONX WHAT?
8. Dolly - December 28, 2008 5:58 PM
Where are you, randall???
9. Guest - December 28, 2008 6:15 PM
I didn't even bother to read this
because
**NOBODY FUCKING CARES**
10. Guest - December 28, 2008 6:15 PM
I didn't even bother to read this
because
**NOBODY FUCKING CARES**
11. Guest - December 28, 2008 6:15 PM
I didn't even bother to read this
because
**NOBODY FUCKING CARES**
12. Indy - December 28, 2008 6:42 PM
Nice picture
13. Savalas - December 28, 2008 7:22 PM
Bronx Mowgli? Is that some sort of joke, or are they completely moronic, or are they just a couple of racist fuckheads?
14. http://www.UltrasoundShirts.com - December 28, 2008 7:52 PM
Mowgli, isn't that the name of those cute little guys that turn into gremlins???
15. Robert - December 28, 2008 8:00 PM
You'll find the best selection of hot babes, sexy singles, and beautiful dating right at the exclusive interracial dating community, *********I N T E R R A C I A L L O V I N G .COM********.
Come in and stay a while. Post a message, a pic of yourself and check out the hot photo galleries. You are guaranteed to find someone you like here.(∩_∩)(∩_∩)(∩_∩)
16. Carlos - December 28, 2008 8:52 PM
After the "Okay, but look, if you go downstairs and Jennifer Aniston is in the kitchen, don't freak out" step, you forgot the "Boy and John Meyer play Cowboy Rowboat" step.
17. scabbeus - December 28, 2008 9:07 PM
The caption should read:
Two repulsive fools and their mistake.
Seeing their faces together, makes me think of bad breath and that nasty broad constantly giggling at nothing.
18. lindary - December 28, 2008 9:33 PM
She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site """" W e a l t h y D a t e r . c o m"""""" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site.Is she single again now? ☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆☆
19. lindary - December 28, 2008 9:36 PM
She is my favorite. Just saw her on milllionaire personals site """" W e a l t h y D a t e r . c o m"""""" last week. I am wondering what kind of relationship she is looking for on that site.Is she single again now/?
20. George W Bush - December 28, 2008 10:21 PM
With a name like "Bronx (your my bitch) Mowgli (the bear from the Jungle Book)Wentz" there's little doubt this kid isn't going to get the balls accross the nose treatment when he gets to school. I mean, the least they could do is give their little bone smuggler in training a fighting chance. A name like Bronx Mowgli just makes him a target to all children that don't have fathers that think "the ball game" is something that precedes getting rammed in the shitter!!!!
21. hollywood_hillbilly - December 28, 2008 10:35 PM
Nice try at getting some star wars cred, too bad these douches picked a fucking ewok name. The only thing worse would be jar jar, and only because the first 3 are better. And bronx? Seriously? I would love to see these fuckers in the bronx, please pete and ashlee bring your baby up to see the borough he was named after, take him on a walking tour.
22. gerard Vandenberg - December 28, 2008 11:36 PM
THE HEAD-FAGGOT KISSES the future-faggot.
MARK THESE WORDS, folks!!
23. friendlyfires - December 29, 2008 2:21 AM
That posting made me taste chunks, but in a good way.
24. F-Obama - December 29, 2008 2:30 AM
Why did they name their kid after a Gremlin?
25. Eat Me - December 29, 2008 7:26 AM
Mowgli is the little boy in the Jungle Book, and the Bronx would eat these two fluff brains alive. Mogwai(Mog-why) are the gremlins, the baby's name is mow-glee. Let literacy reign.
26. gorgehu1 - December 29, 2008 8:12 AM
I am a chinese college teacher, if you want to buy chinese handiwork, speciality, goods etc. for yourself or as gifts to your boyfriends, girlfriends, parents, juniors and so on. Even though one piece, I can help you in china, commission is 2 %, and part of the commission will be given to the poor children. Please send your information to gorgehu1@live.cn or talk with me through msn messenger. Include buying for you, investment, management, hotel, amendment, marketing, analysis, program, translation, etc.
27. EverybodylovesROUGHers - December 29, 2008 8:29 AM
-"Nice try at getting some star cred"= trying to be RD
-"too bad these douches pick an ewok name" thats what you can come up with Backwood bitch?
-"I would love to see these fuckers in the bronx" what the hell does that even mean?
Geez us christ youre worthless #21 perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others...
28. Lea - December 29, 2008 10:11 AM
ha ha that was so freaking hilarious ! i luv it u Rock man
29. mai-tai - December 29, 2008 6:03 PM
I love you Superficial MF's. #21 made me laugh my arse off and you others are hilarious! This website makes my day EVERY day!
30. sorsa - December 29, 2008 8:25 PM
wait, its ACTUAL name is Bronx Mowgli? Omfg. We will all get release in about 9 years when the little Mowgli is strong enough to hold a chainsaw, killing his parents for that travesty of a name (and for being general douchebags).
31. andrew_9045 - December 29, 2008 8:29 PM
@20: Mowgli wasn't the bear, asshat.
32. Eaven - January 2, 2009 3:37 PM
OMG JUST SHUT THE FUCK UP ALREADY!
So what if they named their baby after a city in New York and a Disney jungle boy?
That's their business, not yours.