Apr 28 2008Dustin Diamond: A-Hole Extraordinaire
If you've ever had the distinct pleasure of having Dustin Diamond visit your college or you attended one of his shows, you will immediately support the validity of this e-mail I received. I've heard many a tale of how much of a jerkass Dustin is in person and, since it's early Monday morning, I'm sharing a recent anecdote for you to enjoy. This story comes from reader Jeremy who, along with his friend "Gee," had the task of picking up Samuel Powers at the airport last Wednesday. I now present to you: "A Kind of Long E-mail Where Screech Says a Bunch of Crazy Shit and Bombs at a Comedy Club But Sadly Does Not Feature a Cameo by Kelly Kapowski Who I Would Give My Left Testicle To Get With True Story":
So, we got to the airport, we saw Dustin Diamond (whose only demand was that we don't call him Screech or mention Saved by the Bell), and we approached him, telling him that we were there to pick him up. He asked if we worked for the State, and we said no, but we were there to pick him up, anyway. He seemed okay with that.
Once we got in the car, with his luggage barely fitting in the trunk, we started making awkward small talk. Gee asked him who his comedic influences were, and Screech gave him a few names (Brian Regan, George Carlin, Mitch Hedburg--who Screech says was his best friend). Gee asked him if he liked Bill Hicks at all, and Screech went into a twenty-minute tirade about how much of a joke thief Bill Hicks was. "Oooh, he's an angry smoker who rants against the government, that's really original. He stole his act from Lenny Bruce, who stole his act from some other guy, blah blah blah."
Screech then talked to us about a wide variety of very strange stuff. To sum up: He loved Cloverfield, said that No Country for Old Men was "FUCKING horrible," saved his house by selling 22,000 t-shirts (he signed 17,000 of them), including one to the lead singer of Korn. What else? He called the ending to the Usual Suspects (since he grew up in the industry, he saw through it). He wrote the script for Alien 3, but they didn't use his ideas because they wanted to "remake the first one." He's invented fifteen different household items, including a holiday themed doorbell (it plays holiday music when it rings!). He then browbeat Gee for having such a dirty car and spent the remainder of the ride giving us financial advice on how to stop being poor.
Well, we were told we were going to be compensated for the trip, plus we were going to be given free tickets to the show, but Screech chewed the manager of the State out because we didn't work for the theater and the car wasn't clean, so we got nothing.
This is when I went home and watched Lost. Gee went to the show. Screech hit the stage at 9:30ish. Gee says he was beyond awful. One of the jokes he told me, to give me an idea of the overall style, was that Screech compared having sex with an old grandmother with putting his dick in a grilled cheese sandwich.
Well, obviously, this irritated Gee, and the audience, so he seriously was thinking of walking out, at which point, after one of his more obscene jokes, Screech said, "By the way folks, I am available for children's parties." After having listened to Screech rant for twenty minutes earlier in the day about how much of a joke thief Bill Hicks was, Gee had had enough, stood up and yelled, in the middle of a very quiet theater, "Boo! That's a Bill Hicks joke, you joke thief! Boo!"
So, what have we learned today? 1. Screech hates being called Screech or reminded that he was Screech. Because he'd be so much more famous if he weren't Screech. Good one, Screech. 2. Screech sucks at comedy. Yet still books gigs. Who knows? 3. Screech had sex with a grilled cheese sandwich. Which is surprising because I figured melted cheese on bread would have higher standards. What did Screech promise you, Cheese? A chance to meet Mario Lopez? And you fell for it? Oh, Cheese. You've been using again haven't you?
Thanks to Jeremy who's cooler than burgers at The Max.
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Reader Comments
1. Screech - April 28, 2008 9:03 AM
Screech Screech Screech!!!
2. flim_flam_man - April 28, 2008 9:04 AM
First? Of course, no one wants to be first for this douche bag.... I cannot resist the impulse to post...
3. They White Urkle - April 28, 2008 9:04 AM
This ass clown got thrown off of The Kevin and Bean show on KROQ in LA a few years ago. You have to be a major douch to get thrown off that show!
4. SlyAndThe FamilyStallone - April 28, 2008 9:06 AM
One grape soda...two straws!
5. sherry - April 28, 2008 9:08 AM
who is screech anyway?????
6. Chirs - April 28, 2008 9:09 AM
He's F'n LAME
7. Heh - April 28, 2008 9:25 AM
So much for stealing jokes - Sam Kinison did the "grilled cheese sandwich" one twenty years ago.
8. jeff - April 28, 2008 9:26 AM
celebrity fit club was a train wreck this season - a great deal of the credit has to go to one mr. samuel powers!
9. Robin - April 28, 2008 9:26 AM
I saw him (for free) in 2004 at a club in Arlington, Tx. It was the worst comedy show I've ever been to, but a bunch of co-workers and I thought it'd be funny to go see him. He did the Grilled Cheese joke then, too, so be glad that you're getting his same classic material. My impression of his comedy was "anything to get him distanced from Screech." Love that those shirts he sold 2 years later to save his house were publicizing the Screech name again though.
Afterward we thought it'd be funny to take pics with him. My sisters and I were OBSESSED with SBTB and I thought it'd be a fun souvenir to send them. The pics cost $10 each. We just wanted to use our digital cameras because ... well obviously. Polaroid vs. digital? Someone distracted him when my picture with him was being taken so my person tried to take a second picture and he said it would be an extra $10. Nice! He's just a class act all the way.
10. Geekers - April 28, 2008 9:28 AM
I think I just threw up a lil' in my mouth.
How does this douche keep getting booked places? Sure, he creates drama which could bring business but his drama is actually turning people off.
He should invent a new line of Screech Douche - guaranteed to remove any grilled-cheese-like residue.
11. Rut Roh - April 28, 2008 9:35 AM
What retarded fucktard does not like "No Country For Old Men?"
Emergency: Send in Chigurh to fix this boy.....pronto.
12. Elliot_Spitz_On_Her - April 28, 2008 9:38 AM
It seems his career has screeched to a halt.
(crickets)
13. Auntie Kryst - April 28, 2008 9:39 AM
@11 Agree with you there, and also what doucefucker rips on Bill Hicks?? That guy was great.
14. Elliot_Spitz_On_Her - April 28, 2008 9:41 AM
Oh yeah, and that picture screams Hasidic with an identity crisis.
15. SaraDevil - April 28, 2008 9:49 AM
Is that Ed Hardy?
16. AC Slater - April 28, 2008 9:54 AM
How he is still alive is beyond me.
17. CJ - April 28, 2008 10:13 AM
Screech....why the long face? It's not that people don't think you're funny...they just can't stand you. You need to thank the ground you walk on that anyone still books you at all....for anything!!!
18. elvagreen - April 28, 2008 10:24 AM
I know him. He is a member of a millionaire club " MILLIONAIRE L O V E R.C O M " where the rich & celebrity have romance!
19. Rumble Grumble Gurgle Roar - April 28, 2008 10:27 AM
the booking was in Lincoln, NE at a movie theater that serves beer and has random couches for peeps to sit in. Screech hit the local radio stations friday morning and was horrible.
so, suppose it was Zach's grandmother that Screech rode like a grilled cheese sandwich?
20. Lola - April 28, 2008 10:27 AM
absolutely funniest post ever! this guy needs to be put out of his misery. what a fucking DOUCHE!
21. Lola - April 28, 2008 10:27 AM
absolutely funniest post ever! this guy needs to be put out of his misery. what a fucking DOUCHE!
22. Lola - April 28, 2008 10:27 AM
absolutely funniest post ever! this guy needs to be put out of his misery. what a fucking DOUCHE!
23. George Washington - April 28, 2008 10:28 AM
@ 10
"I think I just threw up a lil' in my mouth."
Where the hell else are we supposed to throw up?
@ 17
Speak English much?
Just damn.....
24. hahaha - April 28, 2008 10:42 AM
screech and andy dick need to get together.... and just die.
25. Spazz - April 28, 2008 10:47 AM
What a dickhead.
Too bad Dana Plato or Bonaduce couldnt kill this asshat.
26. nkozyra - April 28, 2008 10:47 AM
fuck
hipinion.com/forums
hipinion.com/forums
27. ToTellTheTruth - April 28, 2008 10:53 AM
Why the fuck does he look like Shaggy from Scooby Doo...
28. deacon jones - April 28, 2008 10:56 AM
An obnoxious, self-centered JEW????
I never heard of such a thing!
29. QWERTY - April 28, 2008 11:00 AM
@#18
You're probably right. I could totally see this douche being that desperate.
30. Emma - April 28, 2008 11:12 AM
Gross - what a disgusting excuse for a human being. He has bad grotesque karma.
31. Fat bitches suck - April 28, 2008 11:28 AM
The best thing this bag-of-douche ever did was beating up an 80 year-old Horshack on celebrity boxing. They should have put him against Danny Bonadouchie ....
At least he's funnier (barely) than that other ex-sitcom actor turned "comedian" Skippy ... wait ... forget it. They BOTH suck balls ...
32. Jrz - April 28, 2008 11:32 AM
Ummm.....Jewish much?
33. Ashley - April 28, 2008 11:33 AM
Are we really all that shocked after his sex tape? He likes the Dirty Sanchez, so it's not surprise he more or less is a walking version of one.
34. Jimbo - April 28, 2008 11:33 AM
In fairness, fucking your grandma IS like putting your dick in a grilled cheese sandwich (don't ask). Buttfucking Frist, on the other hand, is like putting your dick in a bowl of cottage cheese.
35. mafme - April 28, 2008 12:12 PM
He was in lincoln? Damn, I would have loved to have caught that show just to say that I saw it in person and that it sucked :(
36. dude - April 28, 2008 12:23 PM
Funny, #32. Shit, he's the poster boy for all things jewish. I look at this pic and expect a Rabbi blessing to come shooting out of his mouth.
37. dude - April 28, 2008 12:24 PM
Dustin Diamond? I'm sure that's his real name.
Try Dustin ShwartzWitzCohenBerg.
38. Bird Leggz - April 28, 2008 12:27 PM
What a schmuck! It's bad enough that the guy gets his kicks out of pushing a short old man around on national TV and calling it fighting, but remember who you're talking about...Screech's "sex tape" mysteriously appears after four long years just in time for Christmas. Yeah right! I would rather sit on a truck stop toilet seat than expose myself to anything Dustin Diamond.
39. George Washington the Confused - April 28, 2008 12:32 PM
#23...to clear up your confusion...#10 threw up in his/her mouth...that would be opposed to throwing up on their shoes, the sidewalk, the toilet, a trash can, an empty beer box, or for that matter, your face.
Granted the joke was old before Dodgeball...the point is still that it is widely known that vomit comes from the mouth...it does not always end up remaining in the mouth.
40. Betterthenyou - April 28, 2008 12:39 PM
I liked the grandmother fucking joke however it should of been a grandmother rape joke and involved aids then it would of been a classic
41. Cecil Porter - April 28, 2008 12:40 PM
Join us:
http://www.ScreechSucks.com/
42. Norm Caudell - April 28, 2008 12:45 PM
I had no opinion about this guy one way or another before, but after calling Bill Hicks, the most unique and original comic mind of the last quarter century, a joke thief, he his at the top of my shit list. To say he was stealing from Lenny Bruce, Hell, all smart comedians that followed owe a debt of gratitude to Lenny Bruce. If you are that clueless, just keep your damn mouth shut!
43. woodhorse - April 28, 2008 12:58 PM
@9 Hi to Arlington and do you hate the stadium going up here? Maybe it's because I don't care for football.
I don't know Screech but he bears an amazing resemblance to Paris Hilton.
44. Beav - April 28, 2008 1:04 PM
I despise this fucking heeb.
*Throws quarter in oven*
Here Dustin!
45. Jrz - April 28, 2008 1:09 PM
That yamaka is fucking HUGE!
46. Beav - April 28, 2008 1:10 PM
Hey Dustin! Free Pork!
47. Jrz - April 28, 2008 1:11 PM
Hey, Dustin.....did you have a briss for that fucking schnozz?
48. 21st century digital boy - April 28, 2008 1:12 PM
Who invited these Hitler Youth douche bags to post? Fuck off back to Stormfront, "dude" and "Beav."
49. jennifer - April 28, 2008 1:13 PM
Dustin diamond can die in a fire....
This asshat gave my friend herpes and gonorrhea of the throat....true story....
50. Beav - April 28, 2008 1:13 PM
His nose looks exactly like his dick.
51. Gooey Dooey - April 28, 2008 1:14 PM
C'mahn! They're not douchebags.....Dustin is.
52. Elliot_Spitz_On_Her - April 28, 2008 1:21 PM
That's not Dustin Diamond! That's Matisyahu the Hasidic reggae dude!
http://www.matismusic.com/
53. Clem - April 28, 2008 1:34 PM
Check him out lookin all cool and smooth in the photo! What a nob-end.
54. BA_Baracus - April 28, 2008 2:08 PM
The more you tighten your grip, Dustin, the more star systems will slip through your fingers.
55. dustin sucks - April 28, 2008 2:09 PM
Hey,
Yah his stand-up is the worst, here's a video from a few years ago-
http://www.medicinefilms.com/watch?v=187233
It's all sex jokes and SBTB jokes...how original.
56. Lily - April 28, 2008 2:32 PM
@49- Why was your friend sucking his dick? Seems like she was asking for it.
Dustin Diamond is an assbag and everyone knows it. What is an assbag? Hell if I know, but he so bad he needs his own word.
57. He's got a suspiciously big nose - April 28, 2008 3:05 PM
No wonder he is such an asshole and no wonder why he keeps getting breaks.
58. arespilgrim - April 28, 2008 3:46 PM
I never really liked the character anyway (i was always getting distracted by the scattered titties and ass), but now i fucking hate the guy.
Joke thief? Bill Hicks a joke thief? What a fucking prick Diamond is. He thinks he's going to get people to like him and laugh with him by insulting the sorely missed genius that was the prophet Bill Hicks?
Mother frakker.
59. Dan - April 28, 2008 4:51 PM
Can we find out his take on "The Sixth Sense"? I am interested to know if growing up in the industry allowed him to figure that one out...
60. DANNY - April 28, 2008 4:57 PM
SCREECH IS A FUCKIN BLOWJOB. WE SAW HIM AT MY GUYS COMEDY CLUB IN THE SOUTH SUBURBS OF CHICAGO. THATS FUNNY YOU TOLD THE STORY ABOUT THE GRILLED CHEESE. I TRIED TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT WHAT HE SAID. THE GUY WAS A STRAIGHT FLLLLLOP. I WALKED OUT 20MINS INTO IT BECAUSE HE WAS SUCH A BEATOFF. MY GUY OWNED THE COMEDY CLUB AND WAS LIKE "YEAH HES ONLY COSTING ME 1K" IM LIKE "BRANDT, THE DUDE ISNT WORTH $10" LOW AND BEHOLD. PEOPLE LEFT RIGHT AFTER I DID, ONE BY ONE. I ALSO SAW HIM AT THE ITALIA FEST IN MILWAUKEE YEARS AGO, HE WALKED AROUND WITH HIS GF WHILE PEOPLE JUST POINTED AND LAUGHED. THEN HE TOPS IT ALL OFF ON VH1 SURREAL GARBAGE AND JUST HAMBONES HIS INTELLIGENCE AND FUNGSCHWAY.
61. Nick - April 28, 2008 5:18 PM
Did you have to mention that he likes Cloverfield? That's one of my favorite movies. Although I did like No Country for Old Men, so at least I'm spared from having a similar taste in movies.
62. Clamcake - April 28, 2008 5:19 PM
Why the hell anyone cares about Screech, this article, or any of the comments above is beyond me. My only regret is wasting time by reading any of it.
63. Kristen - April 28, 2008 5:31 PM
Yeah, the student government at my school paid Dustin Diamond $5,000 to host homecoming at our school. He was absolutely terrible, rude, and inappropriate.
64. Christi - April 28, 2008 5:48 PM
We had him at LSU when I was on the committee for such events. He rudely propositioned one of my friends for a bj....really? Screech? EW!
65. Michael J. Fox - April 28, 2008 5:54 PM
Remember when Skippy from Family Ties tried comedy after that sitcom? No, then you're like most people. Being a geek on TV doesn't make you a comedian Dustin.
66. Cherry - April 28, 2008 5:58 PM
I have no idea who he is, but no one should talk about Bill Hicks like that. We still love you in Britain Bill. R.I.P
67. TN - April 28, 2008 6:09 PM
I'll defer to "what did you expect, the guy's a complete douchebag". Screech, haha. What a POS. Good story though!
68. exvaxman - April 28, 2008 6:16 PM
Well - on the opposite, ran into him several years ago with my (young) son in Port Washington, WI. Very nice person, my kid had no clue who he was but the guy was nice enough to take the blow to his ego. Not sure what happened in the interim, but I found him to be a nice person and someone interesting to talk to.
69. jerkSH - April 28, 2008 6:25 PM
Screech dissing Bill Hicks? \\wtf has the world come to? I now kinda hope for pancreatic cancer myself. Who books Screec h for anything? Mistake number one. People quit making it,
70. jane - April 28, 2008 6:51 PM
cool it with the anti-semitism.... jeez.
i don't know if he's jewish or not but it doesn't matter to me if your quality of character is far down on the scale. what a cockhead.
71. Reena - April 28, 2008 6:56 PM
my tattoo artist tattooed and him and said he was the biggest douche bag ever. i think he got a generic tribal, i saw the picture... trying to be hardcore or something.
72. bedot - April 28, 2008 7:16 PM
Way to go screech. That stocking cap makes you look so edgy.
He looks like Joe Camel from the cigarette ads
Same dong shaped nose and everything
73. missywissy - April 28, 2008 7:46 PM
I feel sorry for Screech. He BEGS for attention. What does this say about who he is inside? It seems like he tries to get people to look up to him as an intellegent and funny guy - two things he is only partly- and there are people marketing off of this (VH1). God bless all those around him that have the patience for this walking disaster.
74. White Boy Boston - April 28, 2008 8:05 PM
Who would go see Screech any way ? And I bet all of the people on that Bell Show stay clear of him now.
Looser.
He will check out ,,,soon.
R I P The Screech was here
Later SCREEEECH
75. PhillyDana - April 28, 2008 9:26 PM
I had to deal with him a few years ago at my college. I was working backstage (I had begged my boss to get someone else to do it) and he kept bitching at me. First because he only had a small portion of the stage, then because he wanted a different stool, then about the mic...
I tried not to listen to his routine, but I did catch some crap about beards that look like you just went down on a hairy girl. God, he was awful! Why won't he just go away.
76. Sully - April 28, 2008 9:30 PM
i saw him a few years ago but i didn't think he wasn't that bad.... i remember the grilled cheese joke though.
77. michael - April 28, 2008 11:26 PM
I'm not too big a fan of celebrity gossip, but this was an enjoyable read. He probably has an axe to grind with humanity for being Screech for the rest of his life.
78. edgar suit - April 29, 2008 3:16 AM
Hey watchout people!......this guy can beat-up Arnold Horeshack
79. obaday - April 29, 2008 9:19 AM
Screech isn't fit to lick Bill Hick's boots. If he comes to Texas, he'd better watch his scrawny ass. We don't take kindly to unfunny comedians who call Hicks a joke theif, and then steal his jokes, or Sam Kinison's for that matter.
80. ffs - April 29, 2008 11:39 AM
It's kind of amazing that with all of the actual reasons to dislike this guy, so many people here decide instead to out themselves as pathetic anti-semites.
81. The Laughing G-D - April 29, 2008 12:49 PM
**clap**
82. Hitler - April 29, 2008 1:00 PM
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xRkA6zugNMQ
*****JOKE THIEF!!!
83. bedot - April 29, 2008 2:38 PM
Whats amazing is that of anything to make up he'd make up that he wrote Aliens 3.
Alien 3 was released in 1992.
With production the screenplay was probably written in 1989-1990
Dustin Diamond was born in 1977.
This phenom wrote aliens 3 at the age of 13.
84. Chupacabra - April 29, 2008 3:45 PM
I LOVE HOW HORRIBLE HIS DEMISE IS BECOMING.
I WISH WE COULD LOCK HIM IN A BASEMENT AND ASS RAPE HIM FOR 23 YEARS. WHAT A DICK.
85. Mike - April 29, 2008 4:26 PM
You think he's bitter that everyone else from the show ended up in real television shows and the best he could muster was Celebrity Fit Club?
86. Lisa - April 29, 2008 4:54 PM
You little name dropping bastard! I refuse to believe Mitch Hedberg would even acknowledge your existence, let alone befriend you. Then again, he was high a lot.
87. jane - April 29, 2008 7:11 PM
NEXT IN LINE BEHIND KRAMER...er, i mean michael lhsrs(mumble)...
88. long-time screech hater - April 30, 2008 11:56 AM
i fucking hated that twat when i watched saved by the bell and i hate him still. i don't understand why he continues to perform when he's obviously hated by the rest of the population. surely he sees all of the nasty things written about him on the internet, all of the ridicule and hatred directed at him. i hope he cries about it.
89. The other one - May 1, 2008 5:03 PM
I don't know who "Jeremy" is, but I know the guy who wrote that article and I know "Gee" pretty well and there wasn't anybody named Jeremy in the car. Good reporting!
90. Huh? - May 4, 2008 7:51 AM
Alright, I am sorry to be bring this party to a halt, but I live in Lincoln, NE and work at the State Theater as a bartender where this all supposedly took place. Our bar is about 30 feet from the stage and there were only about 75 people in attendance for both of his shows that night (one at 7:30 and one at 9:30). I would think that I would hear someone stand up and yell something, but to be honest everyone was laughing the whole time. At no point in time was there anybody who stood up and yelled "BOO! THAT WAS A BILL HICKS JOKE! BOO!"
I understand how people like to spread gossip and everything, but come on. You didn't expect anyone who was actually there to expose this fairy tale?? I don't care for Dustin Diamond as a person much either, but that is ridiculous. I might add that Dustin came over and talked to the three of us who were working the bar area and he was in no way rude whatsoever.