Feb 18 2008Britney Spears held captive! But goes shopping
Britney Spears is supposedly being held hostage in her own house, according to a New York attorney. Apparently being held hostage means shopping in Beverly Hills all weekend. Somebody better let those jackasses at Webster know. TMZ reports:
Attorney John Eardley filed papers in federal court last Thursday, alleging the California courts have railroaded Britney by imposing a conservatorship. Eardley tells us Britney called him, but he would not disclose the circumstances surrounding the alleged call or what she said. We do know that Michael Sands, who used to be the spokesperson for K-daddy's lawyer, Mark Vincent Kaplan, is now the mouthpiece for Eardley. And Sands also reps Sam Lutfi, who is now restrained from all things Britney.
Not only can't John Eardley prove Britney Spears even contacted him, legal experts say the chances of Britney's case going federal are slim to none, according to the AP:
"Anyone who's under a conservatorship can argue that they've lost their civil rights," said Peter Tiersma, a law professor who teaches trusts and wills at Loyola Law School. "That's what a conservatorship does, it takes away some of your rights."
If the federal court were to take jurisdiction of the Spears case, said Tiersma, "that would mean that anyone under a conservatorship could do this, and that's a loophole you could drive a truck through."
Hold the phone. If my fifth-grade level comprehension skills are serving me right, if Britney's case goes federal, someone will drive a truck through her loophole. I'm assuming that's lawyer talk for face. Let's see if I can get this ball rolling:
Dear Congressman,
I love America and want to see Britney Spears become a federal case. Some dude just said a truck will totally drive into her melon. I'm 90% sure that would boost the economy. It's what Jesus and Abe Lincoln would do. Believe me I talked to both of them last night after I ate some leftover sushi. (How long ago was Columbus Day?) Also George Washington was there but he just wanted to play Guitar Hero. P.S. He sucks!
Your constituent,
The Superficial Writer
RELATED STORIES
Reader Comments
1. Mike - February 18, 2008 11:49 AM
This just isn't funny anymore. Leave the poor woman alone...
2. Mike - February 18, 2008 11:50 AM
Oops, I forgot to say "first".
3. FRT - February 18, 2008 11:53 AM
It sure is nice to see that even though every thing poor Brit has been through lately...she still has not forgot to dress up like a trailer trash harlot!
4. dude - February 18, 2008 11:59 AM
Not only should a truck be driven thru her head, but then get Bobby Brown to piss on her remains. Or is that Sam NutFluffer Luftenfucker's job?
5. MosesGabby - February 18, 2008 12:00 PM
Somebody finally forced her to get rid of those nasty hair extensions.
6. starship - February 18, 2008 12:01 PM
Maybe her father should have Britney shop at Wal-Mart. It would be a fashion improvement for her.
7. John G. The Honorable Roberts - February 18, 2008 12:01 PM
Keep this crazy shit out my courts.
I hereby direct the federal marshall service and all federal court bailiffs to shoot to kill anyone who attempts to file any bullshit civil actions concerning Britney Spears with the sole exception of actions leading to the incarceration and gang rape of Sam ("Shitdrip Beard") Lufti.
So ordered this 18th Day of February 2008
John G Roberts, Chief Justice
United States Supreme Court
8. D. Richards (Saint.) - February 18, 2008 12:02 PM
Those aloof Spears parents.
If they had any sense at all about how to confine Britney to her mansion, they'd buy one truck load of Cheetos per every week (Britney loves to mash Cheetos in to her hair) and install one of those cute little coin operated ponies that you see outside of the grocery store -- free, of-course.
9. Kim Kardashian - February 18, 2008 12:02 PM
All these stupid fucking "shopping" trips. Does she ever buy anything? Fucking twat, help counter the recession bitch.
10. Racer X - February 18, 2008 12:03 PM
Yawn.
11. sweet mama - February 18, 2008 12:04 PM
oh come on this kinda shit doesnt work .... this poor shit is doomed
12. Auntie Kryst - February 18, 2008 12:05 PM
Doh, forgot to change names. Seriously though, buy something help the retailers.
13. The Office Whore - February 18, 2008 12:06 PM
Does she wake up every morning and rub Lay's potato chips on her face??
14. christian - February 18, 2008 12:11 PM
all of u...GET A LIFE,,whats that shit of first,,,,thats pathetic
15. veggiwhore - February 18, 2008 12:15 PM
maybe YER pathetic christian!! ooOOOOooo, gotcha with that one, eh?
16. sweet - February 18, 2008 12:16 PM
captive hahaha with cell in hand
17. sweet - February 18, 2008 12:16 PM
captive hahaha with cell in hand
18. sweet - February 18, 2008 12:16 PM
captive hahaha with cell in hand
19. Weave Burner - February 18, 2008 12:22 PM
She need to get a haircut. In this picture she looks like she has short hair anyways, which looks a hell of a lot better than than rotten weave she wears.
Burn the Weave, Burn the Weave, it must be making you Sneeze.
20. Dude - February 18, 2008 12:26 PM
BORING!!!!!!!
BORING!!!!!!!
BORING!!!!!!!
BORING!!!!!!!
BORING!!!!!!!
BORING!!!!!!!
BORING!!!!!!!
21. Weave Burner - February 18, 2008 12:26 PM
I just got new contacts and I don't think they are working. Sorry for the typos above.
22. lipper - February 18, 2008 12:27 PM
Ya know, there are some amazing wigs out there made of real hair and everything! But at this point I'll even take the shitty thinned out hair over the crappy weave.
It's like she's trying really hard to look that bad. I don't get it.
23. Jimbo - February 18, 2008 12:28 PM
All you haters just leave Britney alone..
24. BunnyButt - February 18, 2008 12:32 PM
Jimbo, that should be "h8ters", not "haters"; otherwise, we can't take you seriously.
25. The Office Whore - February 18, 2008 12:35 PM
ahaha BunnyButt!!
and I drank all the wine Jimbo. Well, most of it. The rest is all over my jeans and the welcome mat.. matt? mat? whatever..
26. Eric - February 18, 2008 12:35 PM
There's something unsettling about this whole conservatorship deal. She's an adult and clearly a fuckup, but I thought walk-around mental illness wasn't nearly enough to take away control over your money and property. Usually that's for elderly people who are completely demented, which seems reasonable enough. If she got released from the hospital and the next day went out in the streets naked, raving about the government, then fine, assign somebody else to manage her assets until she's no longer psychotic. But that's not the situation at all. It seemed like it took California forever to take away her parental rights, but now they're going overboard with taking away her assets. That's a whole 'nother matter. She's not fit to be a parent, but she's fit enough to burn her own money, especially since she herself earned every dime of it.
27. Jimbo - February 18, 2008 12:51 PM
Thanks Bunny,
OK ALL YOU H8TERS LEAVE BRITNEY ALONE!!
28. Auntie Kryst - February 18, 2008 1:18 PM
Jimbo, I think you're channeling Chris Crocker. Dude put down the eyeliner and come out from under that sheet.
29. Harry Ballzack - February 18, 2008 1:18 PM
@8 - install one of those cute little coin operated ponies that you see outside of the grocery store
She decided to try horseback riding once, even though she had no lessons or prior experience. She mounted the horse unassisted and it immediately sprang into motion. It galloped along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but then Britney began to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabed for the horse''s mane, but could not seem to get a firm grip.
She tried to throw her arms around the horse''s neck, but she slid down the side of the horse anyway. The horse galloped along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, Britney attempted to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot became entangled in the stirrup, and she was now at the mercy of the horse''s pounding hooves as her head was struck against the ground over and over.
She started to lose consciousness, but to her great fortune, Bobby, the Wal-Mart greeter, saw her and unpluged the horse.
30. Spazz - February 18, 2008 1:19 PM
She is a fucking ugly rich bitch, I saw it on www.fuckyouandeyourstupidlinks.org. What a scabby fat piece of trash.
31. Grunion - February 18, 2008 1:29 PM
How about a federal law requiring her to wear a bra and shower?
I mean whats up with the east - west tits? It's like they are polarized and can't get near each other.
Oh and #1, sorry but this shit is still very funny and only getting funnier.
32. Sauron - February 18, 2008 1:52 PM
What a predictable soap this all is,category F.Somehow these pictures are missing something.Maybe a saggy breast hanging outside?
33. Lowlands - February 18, 2008 2:13 PM
At last the best healer that's yourself ofcourse.She's to find herself back,without the help of others.All alone.
34. Ted from LA - February 18, 2008 2:24 PM
The courts need to butt out of her life. She just needs a good babysitter.
35. Jennifer2 - February 18, 2008 2:41 PM
She is smoking hot. I am so in love with her. BTW, did you ever posted your profile to a celebrity and millioniare dating site called BillionaireCupid dot com? I just saw your profile yesterday on that site.
36. Jordan - February 18, 2008 3:12 PM
Why in Gods name isn't this woman in a hospital!?!? She is obviously sick. She needs to get out of Hollywood. Sadly, I don't see her living for more than another year if this continues. Someone help her for the love of God.
37. D. Richards (Whore.) - February 18, 2008 3:45 PM
#29. Bobbi spells his name with an 'I', instead of a 'Y'.
38. mamadough - February 18, 2008 4:26 PM
she looks like a stand-in for monster's ball
39. Anita - February 18, 2008 4:47 PM
when does this train wreck reach it's inevitable horrifying conclusion? Seriously.
40. Capital P - February 18, 2008 6:32 PM
Yeah really, enough is enough with Britney.
Leave the girl alone... who cares anymore???
41. pinkdate - February 18, 2008 7:35 PM
Britn is like a cow and need sex everyday.... Cilck on my name and u l find a great surprise .....
42. Cap1 - February 18, 2008 7:47 PM
Smoking hot??
A...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!
Smoking NOT HOT, as in hideous, as in sub-human. What a horrible looking creature.
43. moe horowitz - February 18, 2008 7:48 PM
I'd like to put something through Britney's loopholes--all three of them.
44. Vomit - February 19, 2008 1:30 AM
She could still be hot if she lost some weight, grew her hair out and bleached it blonde, and learnt how to apply make-up properly.
45. yukadoozer - February 19, 2008 1:10 PM
I'ma SSlllaaaavve fur U!