Jul 20 2007Janice Dickinson looks decent in a bikini
Janice Dickinson was spotted on a Malibu beach in her bikini looking pretty amazing for a 93-year-old. She is 93 right? 130? I mean, most mummies I see are wrapped in bandages, have purple flesh, and are behind a glass case in a museum. So she's doing pretty okay for herself. Besides, her driver's license photo looks like this. And that's worth an automatic one million bonus points right there.
NOTE: I can't tell if this is her boyfriend, husband, or dad. What I can tell, however, is that he's a Grade A fox.
Jul 20 2007Lindsay Lohan turns herself in
Lindsay Lohan quietly turned herself into the Beverly Hills Police Department station late yesterday afternoon to be officially arrested for her DUI back in May. She was held in custody for about an hour and then released on $30,000 bail. TMZ reports:
Lohan was charged with driving with a blood alcohol level greater than .08 and misdemeanor hit and run, this according to the Beverly Hills PD... The actress was released on her own recognizance, routine for a first time DUI offense. For now, Lohan is scheduled to be back in court on August 24.
And what does any of this have to do with these shots of Lindsay Lohan walking around braless with her massive boobs in a tank top? Probably nothing. But maybe everything.
Jul 20 2007Penelope and Monica Cruz wear bikinis
Penelope Cruz and her sister Monica Cruz spent the week in Ibiza debuting their Autumn/Winter fashion collection which they were hired to design for fashion brand Mango. Which nobody actually cares about, I just wanted an excuse to post these pictures of them in their bikinis. And you know what else I want an excuse to do? Uppercut a baby panda in the jaw. Those sons of bitches think they're so cute. Who's cute now?!
Jul 20 2007Naomi Watts is super pregnant
I've seen pregnant women before, but Naomi Watts is out of control. If I didn't know she was pregnant I would've guessed she was faking it. And faking it poorly. I wonder how she felt when she got her ultrasound and found out she was giving birth to a traffic cone.
Jul 20 2007Lindsay Lohan ruining movies
Lindsay Lohan was supposed to start filming on "Poor Things" once she got out of rehab, but apparently the producer pulled the plug on the film because Lindsay's behavior in Las Vegas over the weekend worried insurers. GE and Dell were promised placement in the movie but got an email from the set designer saying:
'Poor Things' has been cancelledSorry to be the harbinger of bad news, but I just received a call from Jacky Gilardi, the producer, pulling the plug on the ill-fated film.
Apparently, Ms. Lohan's antics in Las Vegas over the weekend have scared the bond companies and all of the funding has been pulled ... I look forward to working together in the future and trust our next project will not be as fraught with difficulty.
I'd be worried about financing a film with Lindsay Lohan too. Halfway through filming she'd end up crashing her car through the set and driving over half the cast. She'd stumble out of the car and point her finger at everybody, telling them to act cool, then point to her cartoonishly large alcohol monitoring anklet (which nobody actually checks) and go, "See guys. I'm wearing this. This means I dinin' haf anything to drink. Nod even one drop." Then she'd curl up on the floor and fall asleep, with three people dead under her car and everybody else standing in a circle with their mouths open.
Jul 20 2007Britney Spears starts filming on her ass
Britney Spears was spotted on the set of her new music video for "Get Back" dressed like this. Although I can't figure out why she keeps trying to show us her ass. I think she's actually proud of it, like a six-year old who draws a picture of a dog and wants to hang it on the wall, but really it looks like somebody puked crayon on a sheet of paper. And it's not like anybody can say anything to Britney's face, because you're not allowed to make fun of the mentally challenged. Society will judge you.
Jul 19 2007Britney Spears shooting music video
According to the MySpace page of one of Britney Spears' dancers, Britney has started shooting on her first music video in two years. The dancer writes:
BRITNEY SPEARS MUSIC VIDEOSO...YES...TODAYS THE DAY!!! WERE SHOOTN MISS BRITS 1ST VIDEO OFF HER NEW ALBUM....ITS GOING TO BE HOTTTT!
Wow, really? A music video already? I thought they'd give Britney some more time to get back in shape first. I'm guessing they've got a special effects budget that would rival Transformers. Or maybe she actually thinks she looks good now. She must, to have pulled this crap yesterday. She was probably rubbing her body up and down and going, "Oh, yeeeah... take it all in, fellows." And then all the photographers started scrambling around, trying not to throw up on each other.
Jul 19 2007Victoria Beckham's legs will haunt your nightmares
The Daily Mail has shots of Victoria Beckham heading to a photoshoot in Los Angeles with her legs looking like this. Apparently she keeps thin by dieting, but her friends say, "She doesn't exercise at all." Which still doesn't explain what we're looking at here. Is that even considered a leg anymore? I could put together a more human looking leg with a pile of ground beef and a hammer.
UPDATE: To get to the bottom of this I added some additional shots of her legs. The first three are from the Daily Mail and the last four are different higher quality shots. There's definitely some Photoshop afoot, but the question is which? For the sake of my personal amusement, I'll just assume the first three are real.
Jul 19 2007Tara Reid has perfect boobs
I think I've finally figured out why Tara Reid insists on showing off her stomach, and it's to distract people from looking at her boobs. Look at those things. They're not the same size, the same shape, or even pointing in the same direction. It's like the plastic surgeon forgot what he was doing halfway through and just started sticking things in there at random. On her right you've got some fruits and vegetables, and on her left you've got, like, a bike or something. His desk lamp?
Jul 19 2007Courtney Love is the next Shakespeare
This is a few days old, but if you want to see what it's like when a brain completely ravaged by drugs tries to write, check out this post written by Courtney Love on her MySpace. No words can prepare you. I'll be honest, I didn't even try to decipher it, for fear that I too would lose my mind.
Jul 19 2007Britney Spears keeps it classy
Britney Spears pulled over to a Malibu beach yesterday afternoon, stripped down to her underwear, and then jumped around in the ocean. Because, you know, why wouldn't she? This is basically the only way she knows how to get attention. She could tell everybody she was carrying a bomb and it'd be more subtle than this.
Jul 19 2007Victoria Beckham is too good for Paris Hilton
Paris Hilton allegedly wanted to be best friends with Victoria Beckham and told the London Sun:
“I just know Victoria and I would get along. We could be soul mates.”
Unfortunately, Posh had a completely different opinion on the matter and told a friend:
“Over my dead body! We couldn’t be more different. You won’t catch me falling out of nightclubs with no knickers on.”
I'm not defending Paris Hilton, but I don't think Victoria Beckham is one to judge. They're basically the same person, except that Victoria happened to marry the biggest soccer star in the entire world. Although to Victoria's credit, I've never actually seen her dress up a dog to match her swimsuit. So, yeah, I guess she's still got that going for her. That's a bridge you can't uncross, my friends.
Jul 19 2007Madonna's adoption to be judged
Malawi's head of child welfare services is set to visit Madonna and her husband Guy Ritchie next month to determine whether or not they can formally adopt the African toddler Madonna brought here nine months ago. The head of child welfare services will stay with Madonna at her house for up to five days as part of a "home study", and he says:
"We are worried that the level of public interest might be bad for David. In the normal situation children don't have cameras in their face. We are not just looking at the positives of being adopted, one of the aspects of an assessment is looking at the negatives."
There's no way Madonna is losing this kid. She built a $4 million orphanage in Malawi so the government would let her bypass their adoption laws and speed up the process. The head of child welfare services could go to Madonna's house and see that she keeps him under the leg of a table to keep it from wobbling and he'd give her two thumbs up and a big smile. She'd probably even get some sort of parenting award from the Malawi government.
Jul 18 2007Gary Dourdan is an asshole
Gary Dourdan, some clown from CSI, freaked out and started beating up a paparazzo last night. The photographer was basically just standing there and then Dourdan flipped out, throwing him against the ground and breaking his camera. After the attack, Dourdan sped off on his Ducati, but then later came back with his entourage and started chasing the photographer around Hollywood in a Town Car. Seriously, just following the guy around in a car, like out of a movie. The paparazzo is freaking out the whole time and runs around begging passersby for help, eventually jumping into a cab to get away.
Check out the full 15-minutes of cartoon madness after the jump. You can't really see much, but the audio gives a good idea of what's going on.
Jul 18 2007Nick Nolte is doing great
TMZ has photos of Nick Nolte at Kauai Airport Monday night passed out on the terminal floor. According to fellow passengers, Nick was passing in and out of consciousness for more than two hours after their flight was delayed due to engine problems.
According to the source, Nolte was still extremely friendly despite his groggy state -- chatting with fans and allowing passengers to snap photos, however, he wasn't entirely functional. "At one point we helped him put a dollar in the vending machine."
This would be sad if it was anybody except Nick Nolte. It might actually be a step up for him. Compared to his normal routine of digging through dumpsters and offering sexual favors for booze money, this is like attending some fancy ball.
Jul 18 2007Dave Chappelle suffers exhaustion
Dave Chappelle was hospitalized over the weekend for exhaustion. He checked into the emergency room Saturday and was released a few hours later. His publicist says:
"It was exhaustion; he had been traveling. He's fine."
This is weird, since Dave Chappelle turned down a $50 million deal to continue his show with Comedy Central two years ago and hasn't really been doing anything since. You'd get more exhausted rolling over in bed or trying to answer a difficult math problem.
Jul 18 2007David Beckham is totally inappropriate
David and Victoria Beckham were spotted at The Little Door restaurant doing whatever it is you'd call this. Maybe it's because I'm such a gentleman, but fingering your wife in public outside a restaurant seems a little tacky. At least put on a top hat or a monocle. You know, to class it up a bit. I never engage in sexual activities unless I'm wearing a full tuxedo and holding a cup of tea with my pinky sticking out.
Jul 18 2007Britney Spears now managing herself
Though she's still signed with Jive Records, Britney Spears has reportedly taken over as her own business manager and publicist. A source tells Page Six:
"She is doing all of her own business now." Our spy saw Spears at Aspen on West 22nd Street yesterday afternoon "signing contracts" - possibly related to the recent deal she inked to open a Las Vegas club.
This is just a really bad idea. How is Britney Spears supposed to manage her own career when she can barely manage to even dress herself? She'd be better off if she made her new pet dog her manager. Although now that she's in charge she can move her career away from singing and into her true passion: competitive eating.
Jul 18 2007L*****y L***n looking for Ecstasy
Page Six has a pretty obvious blind item today:
Which hard-partying starlet has figured out a way to get high while wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? She was asking where she could score some Ecstasy at a Vegas club the other night...
I'm not going to name any names because that would be too shocking, but, hey, isn't that a picture of Lindsay Lohan? And isn't she wearing an alcohol-monitoring anklet? And wasn't she in Vegas the other night? How completely fascinating and totally unrelated.
Jul 18 2007Britney Spears slaps her mom
Britney Spears allegedly got into a "shocking slapfest" with her mom last month that “left Lynne shaken and Britney more determined than ever to cut her mother out of her life for good.” Star reports via The Scoop:
“Lynne barged into the house and insisted on taking the kids out to spend some private time with them,” an insider told the tab. “She didn’t ask or suggest, she demanded!” says the insider. “Then she began denigrating Britney’s mothering skills and losing her temper at the same time!”It was because of the cat fight that Spears served the legal papers against her mother, but the buzz is that Lynne Spears is mulling a countersuit. But she doesn’t completely blame her daughter — she believes the Toxic star is suffering from depression.
“Despite their problems, Lynne cares deeply for Britney and wants to find a way to help her,” a “friend” told Star. “She thinks antidepressant drugs may be the answer. Lynne feels Britney has severe depression issues, and they are in large part the cause of her apparent manic behavior and past problems with alcohol.”
Keep in mind this is Star reporting, but at this point I wouldn't be surprised if it turned out to be true. This is Britney Spears we're talking about. She could eat her kids with a knife and fork and it wouldn't be surprising. Well, maybe except that she used utensils.
Jul 17 2007Tara Reid shows off her gorgeous abs
Tara Reid showed up on a Malibu beach yesterday still sporting the world's most disgusting stomach. There's a pretty simple solution if your stomach looks like this: don't go outside. Or at least not in a bikini. If my stomach looked like this I wouldn't even take off my shirt to shower. I get the feeling her plastic surgeon wasn't even a doctor, just some lawn mower she got into a two-hour conversation with and decided to let operate on her.
Jul 17 2007Paris Hilton is a serious musician
Paris Hilton is apparently working on a new album and tells E! Online:
"I'm already working on my new record. I've been in meetings with Scott [Storch] and we've been working on it. I've been working on it with Scott for a few weeks."
And apparently she's taking it seriously. An insider says she's been taking voice lessons and is determined to make her music career succeed. The insider says:
"She takes voice lessons several times a week. She's really serious about her music career. Of all her projects, her music is the most important to her. She really works very hard to be taken seriously in the industry and make good music people will enjoy."
On the list of world's most unnecessary things, a new Paris Hilton album is right up there with parachute pants. Can you imagine what Paris' voice lessons are like? It's probably three minutes of singing, and then an hour and a half of the voice coach trying to break through the window to escape.
Jul 17 2007Kirsten Dunst is a fox
Kirsten Dunst was spotted leaving the Groucho Club in London looking like the beautiful princess that she is. I wish I could sweep her off her feet and marry her, then we'd spin around on a hill top shouting our love for each other. No, wait, not that. The opposite of that. I'd recommend somebody hit her in the face with a shovel, but, I mean, look at it. What would be the point?
NOTE: There's nothing sexier than a 25-year-old with the body of an 80-year-old. Especially if they're not wearing a bra. Rowr!
Jul 17 2007Jon Lovitz beats up Andy Dick
Jon Lovitz beat up Andy Dick last week at the Laugh Factory after Dick made a comment about the murder of Lovitz' SNL friend, Phil Hartman. Apparently last year Andy Dick went up to Jon Lovitz and, according to Lovitz, "looked at me and said, 'I put the "Phil Hartman hex" on you - you're the next one to die.' I said, 'What did you say?' and he repeated it. I wanted to punch his face in, but I don't hit women." Then when the two ran into each other at the Laugh Factory last Wednesday, Lovitz was expecting an apology for the comment and when he didn't get one he flipped out. Page Six reports:
Laugh Factory owner Jamie Masada, who witnessed the assault, said, "Jon picked Andy up by the head and smashed him into the bar four or five times, and blood started pouring out of his nose." Lovitz told Page Six, "All the comedians are glad I did it because this guy is a [bleep]hole."
This one's a no-brainer. Andy Dick is the biggest waste of human life since OJ Simpson and Jon Lovitz is awesome. Plus he was in those Subway commercials. Trying to figure out who to root for in this one is like trying to decide between a cute little kitten playing with a ball of yarn and Hitler.
Jul 16 2007Paris Hilton has a surfing accident
Paris Hilton was trying to surf in Malibu but her top fell off instead. Although I'm not sure if you'd classify this as a nipple slip. Clearly her nipple is showing, but she's also posing for some guy with a camera. Isn't it just pornography at this point? Or, as Paris Hilton likes to call it, Sunday afternoon?
The first few are NSFW.
Jul 16 2007Kim Kardashian Miami bikini pictures
If you're anything like me, you immediately jumped at the idea of Kim Kardashian in a bikini, hoping you might get a better shot of that thing she calls an ass. But alas, it wasn't meant to be. She covers up amazingly well for somebody who seems so proud of her butt. The way she waves it around in public you'd think she'd be running down the beach with a big frame around it. And when I say big I mean big. Like the circumference of the Earth big. A frame so large it would make Gods of the men who crafted it.
Jul 16 2007Britney Spears blends in
Britney Spears was spotted at Millennium dance studio sporting a pink wig and carrying her new $3000 pet Yorkie in her hand. She bought the dog last Friday and named him "London", adding to her growing collection of pets which included a parakeet she bought from Petco last month. Although I'm pretty sure the last thing Britney Spears needs is more living creatures to care for. This thing has a better chance of survival if it was being raised by the inside of a bear's mouth.
Jul 16 2007Paris Hilton is political
Paris Hilton - who told Larry King she reads the Bible even though she couldn't come up with a single favorite passage - apparently told Larry King off camera that she's also really into politics. The Scoop reports:
While off camera, King asked Paris Hilton if she votes, according to a source. Oh yes, Hilton responded. When did you last vote, King asked according to the insider, who says that Hilton replied, “Last year.” When King wanted to know which election she voted in, Hilton explained, “Presidential.” “I guess she forgot there was no presidential election last year,” quipped one amused source. “She was too busy reading the Bible.”
This is what happens when you're really stupid and a liar. Or just really stupid. And since we're on the topic of not being surprised by Paris Hilton, here she is spending the weekend in Malibu in her bikini. Let's play a game of spot the attention whore. Can you do it? Can you spot the attention whore? This is a tough one, because there's just so many people randomly posing on the beach and dancing to nonexistent music.
