Jul 13 2007Jennifer Love Hewitt stole your mom's body

Here's Jennifer Love Hewitt on the set of the Ghost Whisperer yesterday looking like she's spent the last three years of her life training for a Hot Dog Eating Contest. Ten years ago she was the hottest girl on TV. Now she looks like the girl who ate that girl in a horrible buffet accident.

Jul 13 2007Suri Cruise does stuff with her face

The Daily Mail has some adorable shots of Suri Cruise at the park. Well, adorable until she gets into the arms of Tom Cruise. Then she goes from being adorable to looking like a grumpy Frodo. I'm guessing Tom emits some sort of 'crazy field', and whenever Suri is around it she feels compelled to climb Mount Doom, or hunt orcs, or do whatever it is that nerds like to dress up and read about so much.

Jul 13 2007Kevin Federline tells on Britney Spears

Kevin Federline reportedly called child protective services on Britney Spears claiming she didn't have the required safety barriers around her pool, and apparently that's why Britney has been living in a Four Seasons Hotel with her manny and two sons. Although this seems less like he cares about the kids and more like he wants to make Britney Spears look like an even worse mother. Which actually isn't very hard. You don't need to call child protective services, just wave a bag of Cheetos in front of her face. She'll trample both her kids trying to get to them, while oinking, "Gimme gimme gimme!"

Source

Jul 13 2007Britney Spears isn't dating her manny

There's been speculation that Britney Spears has started dating her bodyguard/manny, Daimon Shippen, but a source close to them says their relationship is purely professional. People reports:

"He's her bodyguard and manny," says a source familiar with Shippen's employment. "They're not dating." Shippen, a California native described by the source as "funny, but on the quiet side," is "tickled" by the attention from the media. "But he really wants to focus on his job: taking care of the kids and of her," says the source.

Apparently this is the same guy who saved Sean Preston's life when Britney almost dropped him about a year ago. Although considering this is Britney Spears, saving Sean Preston's life probably isn't that big a deal. The 7-Eleven guy who found him in the hot dog case has saved his life. As has the cabbie who noticed him on the hood of the car. I saved his life twice this morning on my way to get coffee.

Jul 13 2007Hilary Duff embarrasses herself

Hilary Duff lip-synched her way through So You Think You Can Dance yesterday, which was a terrible idea because she can't actually dance. She basically shuffles around on stage for three minutes while waving her arms a bit. You'd get better dancing from a toaster oven. She's more qualified to be on Jeopardy than to be on So You Think You Can Dance.

Jul 13 2007Lindsay Lohan turns to Machiavelli

In an interview with Tatler magazine, Lindsay Lohan says after entering rehab she started turning to Machiavelli for advice. She tells the magazine:

"It changed my life. I didn't have a good grip on it and I needed to get my shit together. I was going out too much and I had too much pressure on my shoulders. I was not that happy and I needed to go to that place to be happy. If I get stressed out I say a serenity prayer. I meditate too. I was going out with someone and they said I should read Machiavelli and I was like, 'nah', and then I was, 'OK, I'll read it' and now it is always with me."

Machiavelli's "The Prince" is the quintessential business guide on how to compromise your morals for personal gain. It's not something you turn to after rehab. It's something you turn to when you're trying to become the head of a corporation or overthrow a small government. No, a book I'd recommend for somebody like Lindsay Lohan is Dr. Seuss' "Green Eggs and Ham". It might be a little over her head, but it's got pictures so she'll never be caught with it upside down while pretending to read it.

Jul 12 2007James Blunt sold his sister on eBay

James Blunt tells British GQ that his sister couldn't get to Ireland so his solution was to sell her on eBay. He says:

"I came back to the flat where my sister was staying and she was crying because she couldn't get to a funeral in Ireland. The planes were on strike, the ferry was out of season, and there were no trains. I ended up whacking it on eBay: 'Damsel in distress seeks knight in shining armor! Desperate to get to a funeral in southern Ireland, please help!' The bids flooded in and the guy who won had a helicopter. He flew her to the funeral. That was three years ago. This summer they're getting married. That was the stupidest thing I've ever sold on eBay – my sister."

And just to remind you why we hate James Blunt, here are pictures of Petra Nemcova, whom he somehow managed to date. And if that's not enough to make you hate him, he also called your mom a whore and tried to sleep with your sister. True story.

Jul 12 2007Britney Spears is homeless

Britney Spears has put her Beverly Hills mansion back on the market for $7.5 million and is offering it fully furnished. She first put it up for sale last February but took it down after deciding to move back in after rehab. Additionally, her Malibu house has been on sale since November. It was originally listed for $13.5 million but Britney has since lowered the price to just under $12 million.

Although $7.5 million for Britney's Beverly Hills mansion fully furnished is a bargain. There's got to be at least $2 million worth of Twinkies alone. Plus after you moved in if you opened up the oven you'd probably find one of her kids. So, you know, free baby!

And since both her mansions are up for sale, Britney has been staying in a hotel in Beverly Hills, smoking her way back to stardom.

Source

Jul 12 2007Kim Kardashian for no reason

Here's Kim Kardashian at the Mercedes Benz Fashion Week Show in Miami. There's only one website where having a giant ass qualifies as news and you're looking at it, baby. Although I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. I guess I could put up something about President Bush. Or maybe a picture of a baby panda? I'm open to suggestions, since this is pretty much all I got. Well that, and fists registered by the government as lethal killing machines.

Jul 12 2007Paparazzi attacked and left unconscious over Rumer Willis

A paparazzi photog was brutally attacked last night in Hollywood after the ESPY Awards and was left unconscious and convulsing on the ground (the video above is the aftermath). The fight began when two random assholes decided to act as Rumer Willis' bodyguards as she made her way out of Skybar. TMZ reports:

According to witnesses on scene, one of the men allegedly tripped a photographer who was attempting to take pix of the star. As the stunned shutterbug got up and tried to identify the culprit, we're told another friend of the wannabe-bodyguards grabbed the photog by the head and slammed him to the ground head first, knocking him out and causing convulsions... Cops arrived shortly after and the man who allegedly slammed the photog to the ground was arrested. The snapper was rushed to a hospital, where he was treated for three cracked ribs, a possibly dislocated shoulder and a concussion.

Yeah, sometimes the paparazzi can go too far but this is fucking ridiculous. Look at the way the attacker walks around afterwards. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy's parents were brother and sister. This is exactly the kind of person I'd expect if people started mating with vegetables.

Jul 12 2007Paris Hilton wears her own face

Paris Hilton visited the Ole Henrickson Spa on Tuesday, and afterwards showed off her new shirt, which happens to be a Warhol-inspired design of her own face. I guess this would be weird if it was anybody except Paris Hilton. If a regular person walks down the street wearing a picture of their own face they get punched in the stomach and thrown in a dumpster. Paris Hilton does it and she gets $2 million and the key to the city.

Jul 12 2007Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo sex photos off the market

OK! magazine has paid $400,000 for the Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo sex photos from their vacation in Mexico. You'll probably never see them though, since the celebrity-friendly magazine allegedly bought the photos to take them off the market. A source tells Gatecrasher:

"There's much worse stuff than what got out there on the Internet," says a snitch. "If Nick's fans saw it all, it would definitely change his career, because he kind of has a squeaky-clean image."

I'm pretty sure Nick Lachey doesn't have a "squeaky-clean image". I'm pretty sure he doesn't have an image at all. You sort of have to be famous to have an image, and if he did, it'd be "retarded ape" not "squeaky-clean." Yeah, the sex pictures would change his career, by maybe giving him one. Right now he's only famous for being married to Jessica Simpson. It's like being known in high school as that kid who ate the live worms. You're a star!

Jul 12 2007Madonna is a master of disguise

Madonna tried going incognito to Justin Timberlake's concert in London recently by hiding under a black cape. The Scoop reports:

“She was texting on her mobile, eating crisps and yawning just before the show began!” according to one fan report. Madonna was wearing a black hooded cape and was surrounded by bodyguards. “When everyone realized it was her and started chanting ‘Madonna!’ she put the hood on and went under the seat.”

Only a celebrity would think hiding under a black cape is a disguise. Most people put on wigs and sunglasses, but not Madonna. No, she dresses like Batman. I'm surprised she didn't have a blinking neon sign around her neck that flashed, "I'm Madonna." I guess that was Plan B.

These pictures are completely unrelated, I just thought Madonna's cleavage was neat.

Jul 11 2007Bai Ling's breast falls out...of course

Wow, it's a slow news day. Bai Ling was outside the Roosevelt last night and showed up to Teddy's with her new husband. And it's Bai Ling, so it was just a matter of time before her boob popped out. She even acts surprised when it happens, like it wasn't completely intentional. The odds of her falling out of her top this many times by accident are about as good as her joining Mensa and then piloting a cardboard box to the moon.

Jul 11 2007Prince Charles is a pervert

Prince Charles led an awards ceremony honoring some troops in London today. And judging from the picture, it's the exact same awards ceremony I hold every night in my bedroom. And the award for Sexiest Lover goes to...you. Rowr!

Source

Jul 11 2007Lindsay Lohan has confusing girl feelings

A friend of Lindsay Lohan has apparently given Star magazine access to her private MySpace area and in it features Lohan professing her love for her openly gay deejay friend, Samantha Ronson. Gatecrasher reports:

Details of the affectionate correspondence appear under the headline, "Lindsay's Lesbian Love Letters!"

Lohan allegedly tells Ronson: "Babe, if I don't have you in my life then I should just go die. ... I want to marry you and have children with you."

Apparently Lindsay isn't fussy about who changes her name.

"Go to bed babe," she wrote to her pal late one night.

"I love you. - [signed] Lindsay Ronson."

Some people might have a problem with this, but not me. If two hot women want to make out with each other that's cool. And if they want to do it on my bed that's cool too. And don't mind the blinking light. That's not a camcorder, it's a privacy light. It means you've got privacy. Shh, let's not spoil this magical moment with talking.

NOTE: I'm not trying to imply that either of these two are hot. Lindsay Lohan is Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronsom is, well, an 80-year-old man. I'm not even sure if they'd be considered lesbians anymore.

NOTE 2: I swapped the picture with something more fitting. If you miss the shot of Lindsay Lohan in a bikini you can check it out here.

Jul 11 2007Josh Duhamel might be blind

Josh Duhamel's live-in girlfriend, Fergie, has reportedly just installed a stripper pole in their home. Duhamel tells Glamour:

"Fergie is taking lessons, but she won't get on it until she knows what she's doing, 'cause she doesn't want to look stupid."

He also adds that there's "no way" he would've scored with Fergie when he was younger, saying:

"She would have been too hot for me in high school. I would have been intimidated by her."

There are a lot of very confusing things going on in this interview. Like Josh Duhamel saying Fergie just installed a stripper pole and not following that up with ten minutes of screaming. Or him saying Fergie is intimidatingly hot. Yeah, Fergie has her moments, but for the most part she looks like this. Which I wouldn't really describe as hot. 'Leather monster' might be a more appropriate term. Or 'a dude.'

Jul 11 2007Charlie Sheen is engaged

Charlie Sheen took his girlfriend Brooke Mueller on a seven-day vacation in Costa Rica and he topped off the trip with a $500,000 engagement ring. A friend of Sheen confirmed the two are engaged, and Charlie's ex-wife, Denise Richards, congratulated them both, telling People:

"I am genuinely happy for the two of them. In fact, I sent them flowers to congratulate them both. I've spent time with her, and my girls really like her. That's all that matters to me."

This Brooke Mueller chick has guts. Did she not hear about all of the hijinks Charlie Sheen pulled with Denise Richards? Like, oh, I dunno, threatening to kill her and their children? Or maybe his addictions to gambling, drugs, and pornography? Judging by the things Denise Richards has said about him, Dracula would probably make a better husband.

Jul 10 2007Jenna Jameson gets her dance on

Jenna Jameson showed up to her boyfriend Tito Ortiz's birthday party in Las Vegas yesterday looking about as good as she's ever looked lately. Although in some of these shots her boobs are looking oddly pointy. Considering how much surgery she's had on them, I guess it's a wonder they're even still attached to her chest. You'd think by now they'd be in the shape of cauliflower and possibly alive. You know, talking in a funny French accent and smoking cigarettes.

NOTE: Beef Jerky Jenna Jameson. Never forget.

Jul 10 2007Hilary Swank bikini pictures

Hilary Swank was spotted at the hotel Regina in Italy with her agent boyfriend John Campisi, who she's been quietly dating since late last year after divorcing her husband, actor Chad Lowe. It's tough to comment on Hilary Swank in a bikini since she's never been seen as a sex symbol. Heck, after Boys Don't Cry she's barely even been seen as a woman. As long as she doesn't have an erection poking out of her bikini bottom I'd consider it a success.

Jul 10 2007Ivanka Trump too sexy for The View

Ivanka Trump, the Vice President of real estate development and acquisitions for her father's company, says there's no way she'd co-host The View even though Page Six reported she was among the candidates being considered to replace Rosie O'Donnell. During an interview with Ryan Seacrest on KIIS FM today, Ivanka said:

"There's zero chance I would do that. I'm working on the sexiest projects around the world. So to me to be on a television show every single day at a designated period of time just wouldn't work for my schedule."

I'm not entirely sure what kind of sexy projects Ivanka Trump is working on. She's in real estate so, you know, that's kind of weird. She probably shows up to meetings and everybody is in business suits and she's wearing a push-up bra and pink robe. Although I still find it hard to believe somebody this attractive came from Donald Trump. It's like finding out Jessica Alba's dad is Jabba the Hutt.

Jul 10 2007Mary-Kate Olsen needs new shoes

Mary-Kate Olsen was spotted walking around Hollywood showing off her legs and shoes I couldn't even begin to describe. There's gotta be a point where shoes get so ridiculous they're not even considered shoes anymore. And Mary-Kate Olsen is so past that point she couldn't hit it with a rock. Heck, she's so past that point she couldn't even see it with a telescope. She'd look less silly if she was wearing watermelons on her feet.

Jul 10 2007Pete Wentz and Ashlee Simpson are clowns

Fall Out Boy bassist Pete Wentz claims to have quit drinking, and was seen only downing Fuji water during Saturday night's dinner at the Stereo House in Water Mill. However, later at the Hpnotiq party at Dune he was seen drinking from a Perrier bottle his girlfriend Ashlee Simpson had filled with champagne. The NY Daily News reports:

Later as he manned the turntables at the Hpnotiq party at Dune in Southampton, girlfriend Ashlee Simpson decanted Veuve Clicquot into an empty Perrier bottle for him. As Wentz sipped in the deejay booth, a fellow emcee announced, "Look at our man Wentz. He's drinking Perrier; that's all he drinks."

What kind of clown person announces that they're drinking Perrier? Is it to let all the people who hadn't seen his face yet know he's an ass? I'm surprised he didn't tie a sweater around his neck and then invite everybody to tee off at some country club he doesn't belong to. I'm not a lawyer, but I'm pretty sure it's 100% legal for you to stab this guy in the face. You'd probably even get a medal or something.

Jul 10 2007Paris Hilton inspires creepiness

This is Paris Hilton's biggest fan, who also happens to be a 4-year-old girl from Florida. She was waiting outside Paris' home last night for a chance to meet her, and while waiting started posing like Paris. Which is absolutely the creepiest thing you'll see today. When Paris finally came out, the two posed a bit more before the little girl started crying from being near Paris Hilton all the flashes.

What kind of mother brings their 4-year-old daughter to meet Paris Hilton in the middle of the night? And more importantly, what kind of mother lets their 4-year-old look up to Paris Hilton as their hero? You'd find better role models on the Jerry Springer Show. Which, incidentally, is exactly where this little girl is going to end up in 12 years while not on shift at the local strip club. This girl would have a brighter future if her parents were a bowl of vegetables.

Check out the video after the jump.

Continue Reading "Paris Hilton inspires creepiness"

Jul 10 2007Paris Hilton lied about doing drugs

Paris Hilton told Larry King she'd never done drugs before, but over the weekend when she went to club Teddy's in Hollywood she was seen getting out of her SUV in a "cloud of marijuana smoke." A witness tells Page Six:

"She took a huge puff off of a joint, then opened the door and exhaled the pot smoke basically in my face."

Paris Hilton lied during her Larry King interview? Shocking! If you could see me you'd see my mouth agape, eyes wide open, and both hands on my face. Just like Macaulay Culkin in Home Alone! Aww, aren't I adorable?

Check out more pics from Paris Hilton's weekend outing (and massive cleavage) here.

Jul 10 2007Beyonce will kill you

Two front row fans were sent to the hospital Sunday when the pyrotechnics for Beyonce's St. Louis concert went terribly wrong and spilled into the front row. The injuries were reportedly minor, but Beyonce made a surprise visit to the emergency room after the concert ended to see the injured fans. You can check out the footage of the accident above. And you can check out footage of me bench pressing a truck, well, pretty much anywhere. It's a world record, you know.

Jul 9 2007Hayden Panettiere bikini pictures

Hayden Panettiere, the cheerleader from Heroes, spent her weekend at the beach frolicking around with some dude. And if you thought I was kidding when I said to expect two more months of celebrity bikini pictures, I wasn't. My God, was I wasn't. There are two things I never joke around about. One is celebrity bikini pictures and the other is broccoli. You lose your concentration for just one second in this game and you'll get burned. By, uh, broccoli. ...What?

NOTE: I think this chick is like eight or something. If your eyes are open right now you're probably going to jail.

UPDATE: Turns out the guy with Hayden is Stephen Colletti from Laguna Beach. Thanks to everybody for sending that in, though there's really no reason anybody should know that.

Jul 9 2007Brooke Hogan bikini pictures

Brooke Hogan went to a Maui beach yesterday and showed off her body in a bikini. Which isn't nearly as horrifying as that sounds. Although to actually be as horrifying as "Brooke Hogan in a bikini" sounds, bats would have to fly out of your monitor and claw your face.

NOTE: I have no idea if her boobs are new or not. I've made it a top priority in my life to spend as little time looking at Brooke Hogan's chest as physically possible.

Jul 9 2007Paris Hilton turns on the cleavage

After being released from jail Paris Hilton told the press, "There is so much more to life than that whole club scene." But it's Paris Hilton, so on Saturday she hit up Les Deux dressed like this, and was seen dancing against a wall with her arms in the air singing along to every song played, including her own single. A spy tells People:

"Paris was super happy and full of smiles," says one clubgoer. "She was laughing, having fun, drinking, dancing, singing along to songs, talking to everyone and hugging all the girls at her table."

Yeah, she's an idiot, but Paris Hilton still manages to find the most amazing bras on the planet. I know what her breasts look like. You know what her breasts look like. Every person on Earth knows what her breasts look like. Yet somehow when she puts on that bra they manage to look completely different. If I was a magician I wouldn't even have an act, I'd just pull out the bra and go "Ta daaa!" Then everybody would applaud and I'd take a bow.

Jul 9 2007Alessandra Ambrosio has horrible taste

I honestly have no idea why the paparazzi are suddenly following Alessandra Ambrosio around and I honestly don't care. It'd be like questioning why God dropped a giant pile of cash and a Ferrari in your driveway. Just take it and run. And if you have to shoot one or two cops in the process so be it. It's all good. Although I really don't understand why Alessandra is making out with this guy. If you interviewed her and asked what she looks for in a man she'd answer, "Short. And ugly. He has to be short and ugly. And he has to wear a woman's purse." I'd be just as perplexed if I saw her making out with a telephone booth.

NOTE: I heard that when the Jaws of Life just aren't enough, firefighters will sometimes use Alessandra's knees instead.

Jul 9 2007Mandy Moore Mexico bikini pictures

It's summer, so I hope you're ready for two more months of celebrity bikini shots. I'm not exactly sure when these were taken, but they're of Mandy Moore in her bikini in Mexico. And judging by these pictures she does more than just sing about candy. Like eat it! See what I did there? Because she has a song called "Candy" but then I said that she also eats it. Because she's fat. I did it, I'm the winner!

Jul 9 2007Catherine Zeta-Jones is out of her mind

Just in case you had any doubts that Catherine Zeta-Jones is 100% ridiculous, the Daily Mail reports she regularly ships in $400 caviar and then washes her hair with it.

The Beluga caviar is apparently flown in from Iran five days ahead of her treatments at a beauty salon in South Kensington. "Catherine discovered the caviar treatment last summer and was astounded by the difference it made to her hair," said a source. "She has an incredibly rich and vibrant natural hair colour but the creamy, almost oily nature of caviar really brings this out, making the colour even richer and making it so much more glossy." Miss Zeta-Jones's hair is washed with a truffle-based shampoo, then smeared with the caviar, which is combed through and left to set.

$400 caviar for your hair is just a really really wise investment. Because before the caviar her hair looks like regular old hair, but then after the caviar it looks like, uh, regular old hair that smells like caviar. I wonder how Michael Douglas feels when Catherine Zeta-Jones puts on her solid gold pajamas and climbs into bed. I guess he's already asleep since, you know, dead pandas are so comfortable.

Jul 9 2007Clay Aiken gets shoved

"I'll take that penis, please."

Clay Aiken was apparently shoved by a female passenger while on a flight to Tulsa over the weekend. Both were questioned by the FBI though neither was charged. There aren't any details of what happened except that the two got into a minor disagreement and then the woman decided she'd push Clay Aiken. Which is shocking, because what kind of person would dare get into a physical confrontation with Clay Aiken? That guy's a bear. I'd rather get into a fist fight with a lion than deal with all 90 pounds of Clay Aiken's fury. I once read that he's so manly he has to shave twelve times a day. With a giant knife.

Jul 9 2007Victoria Beckham pulls an Angelina Jolie

Victoria Beckham's reps forced reporters last week to sign contracts before interviewing her which stipulated that all interviews would be used for the "sole purpose of publicizing Victoria Beckham: Coming to America." Last month Angelina Jolie got into some trouble when she pulled the same stunt. The only difference here is that Angelina Jolie is actually famous while Victoria Beckham is, well, I'm still not entirely convinced she's even human. I've built women out of piles of garbage that look more natural than her. I mean, wait, no I haven't. That would be creepy.