Jul 6 2007Alessandra Ambrosio does some cleaning

Alessandra Ambrosio was spotted cleaning out her car yesterday after spending the day at the beach. I'm just glad the paparazzi captured shots of her doing regular everyday stuff. Sometimes the public forgets people as good looking as Alessandra and I are still regular people too. We supermodels have to clean out our cars just like everybody else, only afterwards when we walk down the street we're worshipped as gods and get bags of money thrown at us.

Jul 6 2007Paris Hilton is an actress

Paris Hilton was spotted leaving a private acting coach carrying a copy of Ivana Chubbuck's "The Power Of Acting." Aww, isn't that cute? She actually believes she has talent. The odds of her becoming a respected actress are about as good as my pet turtle becoming an astronaut. I mean I've been giving him the reading materials, but sometimes I get the feeling his heart just isn't into it.

Jul 6 2007Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are married

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker got married in a civil ceremony in Paris today. The two will have a second ceremony tomorrow at Paris's Eglise Saint-Germain l'Auxerrois, followed by a lavish celebration at Vaux-le-Vicomte. Which is just a whole lot of words I have no idea how to say. I tried to learn some French from a Parisian woman once, but whenever she was around me all she could say were pleasurable moans.

Jul 6 2007Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan are BFF

Paris Hilton showed up to Lindsay Lohan's Fourth of July bash hosted by A.J. Lamas (the son of Lorenzo Lamas), and the two apparently made peace. The NY Daily News reports:

"Paris has decided to give Lindsay a second chance," says a spy, noting that the two were cordial. "Paris was known as a bully ... she would form alliances. If a friend didn't like Lohan, then she wouldn't like Lohan. But she's through taking sides. She realized who her real friends were when she was in jail — and there weren't many. Plus, she's got to be in a good mood after the Blackstone Group bought the Hilton Hotels, boosting her inheritance."

Whew! We can all rest easy now, because Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are friends again. There were a tense couple of months back there when the dynamics of their relationship wer-- *blows brains out*

NOTE: These aren't pictures of Lindsay with Paris, they're of Lindsay at a party in Malibu the day after. Because that's what you do in rehab. You attend parties and then don't actually go to rehab.

Jul 6 2007Paris Hilton - A Process A Gift and A Journey

Somebody took the journal excerpt Paris Hilton read on Larry King Live and turned it into a rock ballad (listen to it above). I'd be lying* if I said this wasn't the most powerful and moving piece of music I've ever heard in my entire life. If Paris Hilton's career as a person who stands there doing nothing ever falls though, she should seriously consider a career in music lyrics. Or touching people's hearts. *swoon*

*This may or may not be a lie.

Jul 6 2007Jennifer Garner is afraid of the sun

Jennifer Garner spent her Fourth of July surfing with Ben Affleck in Hawaii. Maybe surfing isn't the right word here. It looks more like a 'being pale' contest, and Jennifer is totally beating everybody in the entire world. When I first saw these I thought she was being played by a ghost. Then I got scared and hid in my closet for two hours. I mean, uh, I didn't get scared. What I meant to say was I flexed and then my shirt ripped off because my muscles are so big. True story.

Jul 6 2007Bai Ling might be married

Bai Ling was spotted outside club Area in LA on the Fourth of July and told paparazzi she had gotten married in Vegas earlier that day to Damon Elliot, the son of singer Dionne Warwick. Which is just absolutely insane. I mean, really, Mr. Damon Elliot? Bai Ling? You couldn't find a circus clown to marry? Or a monkey in a silly hat? I figure the marriage will last three weeks before Damon snaps and murders Bai Ling because she refuses to stop bouncing around in the corner while chanting, "Look at me! Look at me!"

NOTE: I'm assuming she won him over with her dance moves. How could you watch her dance and not fall in love?

Jul 6 2007Diddy is a terrible host

Diddy was set to host a party at Whitehouse in the Hamptons Tuesday night, but he showed up at 2:15 am and then only stayed an hour before collecting his paycheck and leaving with two girls. The NY Daily News reports:

No wonder his stay was brief: The only other semi-celeb in the house was Samantha Cole. "He hid behind security in the VIP room drinking Champagne," notes one guest. The Kim Porter -free mogul did find two "amazingly attractive" girls in "teeny black dresses," who were hustled into his caravan of three SUVs just before it sped off.

This is what you get when you hire Diddy to host your parties. Last August he showed up five and half hours late to his own party. You could get a giant cardboard cutout of Diddy and it'd probably be a better host. Or you could get a cardboard cutout of me and never leave your bedroom. Rowr!

Jul 5 2007Alessandra Ambrosio bikini pictures

If you don't understand why I'm posting these shots of Alessandra Ambrosio in a bikini you really don't belong on the site. I'm not even sure if you belong on the planet. And I don't want to perpetuate any of the unrealistic body images set by society, but if you don't look this good in a bikini you should seriously consider just lighting your face on fire.

NOTE: Can you believe Alessandra Ambrosio and Britney Spears were born in the same year? It's like telling me a lion and a used sock are the same species of animal.

Jul 5 2007Britney Spears is still a moron

Britney Spears already wrote a letter to the paparazzi apologizing for the umbrella incident, but she decided that wasn't enough and posted an update to her official website with the same stupid garbage.

I apologize to the pap for a stunt that was done 4 months ago regarding an umbrella. I was preparing my character for a roll in a movie where the husband never plays his part so they switch places accidentally. I take all my rolls very seriously and got a little carried away. Unfortunately I didn't get the part.

You'd think her second time around she'd catch her spelling mistakes or at least make sense, but you'd be wrong. My God, would you be wrong. Is she actually proud of her letter? If I was her I'd be denying I even wrote it, not posting it again on my official website. How are her managers letting this shit slide through? If you walked into their office I'm 100% sure you'd see a monkey in a suit, jumping up and down on a desk and waving a banana around.

NOTE: You know she takes her rolls seriously because she eats so many of them.

UPDATE: Looks like her handlers finally figured out spell check. Turns out these 'rolls' she kept referring to were actually 'roles.' Go figure.

Jul 5 2007Alvin and the Chipmunks

Have fond childhood memories of Alvin and the Chipmunks? Want to see those memories get raped in the ass by Hollywood? Then check out the official movie poster here.

Jul 5 2007Hilary Duff hits the beach

Hilary Duff spent her Fourth of July with her sister Haylie Duff on the beach. And I know she's 19-years-old, but there's something deeply disturbing about seeing her in a bikini. Whenever she dresses like an adult she always ends up looking like some kid who got into her mom's closet. I feel like I should pat her on the head and give her a cookie. And then, you know, turn myself in to the police.

Jul 5 2007Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo sex pictures

Famous magazine has the first pictures (pretty SFW) from Nick Lachey and Vanessa Minnillo's sex romp in Mexico and they're extremely disappointing. Last week pictures came out of Nick and Vanessa running around naked in Mexico, and then word leaked that there were also hardcore sex pictures. Nick confirmed the existence of the sex pictures to OK! magazine, saying:

"Where's the scandal? I was in Mexico with my girlfriend of a year, celebrating our anniversary on a private vacation. It's not like I was caught with a Mexican hooker. We've all gone out and had a few too many and done something stupid. We've all made mistakes."

The pictures are pretty tame as these things go, since all the action is hidden behind a giant wall. For all we know they could be playing a rowdy game of Monopoly back there. And I don't understand what all the controversy is about. Having sex with your girlfriend in your hotel room isn't exactly scandalous. The only shocking thing here is that anybody is willing to have sex with Nick Lachey. I took a survey of 100 women and 99 of them said they'd rather do it with a running lawn mower.

Thanks to Ryan for the scan, who I hear is so manly he sweats beer.

UPDATE: Aww, Nick and Vanessa's lawyer made me take it down.

Jul 5 2007Lindsay Lohan celebrates her independence

Like all great Americans, Lindsay Lohan celebrated Independence Day by getting in a bikini and lounging around a Malibu beach house. I'm not even sure if she's in rehab anymore. She says she is, but she's constantly leaving to attend parties and go roller blading. She might as well claim to be attending space camp and Harvard Medical School as well, since she spends just as much time there.

Jul 5 2007Ashley Tisdale is taking over the site ... AND I DON'T KNOW WHY

God help me.

NOTE: It is curious that between these pictures and these pictures she managed to put on about 20 pounds. Especially considering they were taken on the same day.

Jul 5 2007Ashley Tisdale is still really famous

I still don't know who Ashley Tisdale is, but she's still in Hawaii wearing bikinis and that's good enough for me. Although it's freaking me out that she's 22-year-old and somehow manages to look 12. I'd suggest a time machine, but everybody knows the only use for a time machine is to go back in time and capture a Brontosaurus. "Ferrari, eh? Pretty nice ride. STOMP!"

Jul 5 2007Avril Lavigne is a thief

Avril Laviigne is being sued by The Rubinoos who claim her song "Girlfriend" was stolen from their song "I Wanna Be Your Boyfriend." The CEO of Nettwerk Music Group dismissed the suit, calling it baseless and a "case of legal blackmail." The CEO says:

“Avril's a great songwriter and she's proving it over and over and over again ... Avril's very, very sensible. She knows music well. If the chords had been similar, the melodies had been similar, lyrics had been similar, the meter, she would have gone, ‘Okay, I can see their point.' But nothing's similar.”

The record company may end up settling the suit anyways, since it might cost them even more to successfully defend. Although this isn't the first time Avril has been accused of stealing. Last month, singer Chantal Kreviazuk accused Avril of stealing a song title. Additionally, the writer of "Sk8er Boi" says Lavigne shouldn't be listed on the credits since all she did was "change a word here or there." You can listen to the comparison above and judge for yourself. Personally, I think Avril Lavigne is a clown so in my book she's pretty much guilty of everything. Stealing songs? Guilty! Being a man? Guilty! Murdering Jesus? Guilty!

Jul 5 2007Britney Spears doesn't make any sense

Remember back in February when Britney Spears shaved her head, went crazy, and then attacked a car with her umbrella? Well she wrote a letter to X17 (the paparazzi agency that photographed her) and it makes absolutely no sense at all. She writes:

Dear x17

I want to apologize for the past incedent with the umbrella. I was preparing a character for a possible movie role where the husband doesn't play his part so they swap places. Unfortunatly I didn't get the part. I'm sorry I got alil carried away with my role!

Britney

What the hell is this? If it's a joke I don't get it. And if it's serious, well, then I weep for her DNA. She was probably sitting at her little kiddie desk, furiously writing this thing with her tongue sticking out and thinking to herself, "This is gonna be the funniest joke ever!" Then when she proudly shows it to everybody, instead of laughing they just exchange concerned looks with each other. I know she's trying to explain her bizarre behavior, but the only thing this letter makes clear is that Britney Spears would fail a third grade spelling exam.

Jul 5 2007Kate Moss and Pete Doherty split for good

Kate Moss kicked Pete Doherty out of her home yesterday after finding out he had a "fling" with a South African last Thursday. All of Doherty's stuff was moved out and the two are allegedly broken up for good. The Mirror UK reports:

The couple had a series of violent rows over the weekend during which he smashed a picture. A friend of the Croydon-born model said: "It is so over between Kate and Pete. She has brought in new security guards and Pete can't get anywhere near. They had some terrible slanging matches over the weekend, some of the worst of their relationship. Kate is absolutely furious. She hates being made a fool of and gets incredibly jealous. She just won't stand for infidelity." Doherty, due in rehab on July 16, is said to be devastated at the split and even pledged to go into the drug clinic early in an effort to win Kate back.

Kate Moss has the absolute worst taste in men so you know she'll take Pete Doherty back. It also helps that she's stupid. She's already taken this clown back, what, six times? Twenty seven? The only way she won't take Doherty back is if somebody even worse comes along, like some random homeless person or a fake man made out of dynamite.

Jul 3 2007Ashley Tisdale gets her bikini on

Ashley Tisdale was spotted in Hawaii yesterday in a bikini. And I'm pretty sure she isn't famous, but she was in Disney's High School Musical and she shares the same birthday as Lindsay Lohan (she turned 22 yesterday), so that's good enough for me. Besides, I'm too busy fighting terrorism and nursing kittens back to health to make sure everybody on this site is actually "famous." Dress a koala bear in a bikini and odds are it'll make the front page.

Jul 3 2007Nicole Richie unofficially officially pregnant

I don't know if this is news since we've already known for weeks, but several sources have confirmed that Nicole Richie is indeed pregnant. She's been dating Joel Madden for over six months and In Touch reports that the two will get married this summer. She also faces DUI charges from her arrest last December when she was found high and driving the wrong way on a freeway. Her trial is set for July 11 and, if convicted, she'll spend a minimum of five days in jail.

I still don't know how she got pregnant though. Her body doesn't seem physically capable of carrying a child. I'm pretty sure when she gives birth it won't even be a baby, just a giant pile of cigarette ash and used condoms.

Source

Jul 3 2007Lindsay Lohan needs some new shoes

Lindsay Lohan quietly turned 21 yesterday and spent the day at a beach house wearing a bikini and giant blue plastic shoes. Her mom and sister were there, along with friends Samantha Ronson, DJ AM, and Evan Ross. She left the party around 2:15 AM and went back to Promises where she's set to finish off her rehab. Allegedly no drugs or alcohol were served, but how else do you explain what she's wearing? Does she really want us to think she put that stuff on sober? I'd rather admit to making out with my sister than to have picked out those shoes. And I'm not a plastic surgeon, but I'm pretty sure somebody has secretly replaced her butt with a pancake.

Jul 3 2007Jessica Simpson has monster calves

Jessica Simpson was spotted at the gym showing off her insane man calves. The rest of her looks pretty good, but damn. There are bodybuilders sitting at their computers right now weeping. Oh, not because of her calves or anything, but because I just showed them a picture of my abs. I also showed Leonardo da Vinci once and he cried out "Perfection!" before spitting on the Mona Lisa and declaring my body a true work of art.

Jul 3 2007Scarlett Johansson has looked better

I guess Scarlett Johansson has finally gotten sick of being sexy and decided to start looking like this. Instead of owning a mirror, she probably has a giant poster of herself up when she was hot. There's no other explanation for how she could leave her house wearing my mom's pants. And I guess she's still doing the nose ring thing. Because, you know, if you're gonna look like crap you might as well go all the way. It's like when her trainer asked her what her target figure was she whipped out a photo of a pear.

Jul 3 2007Kate Moss gets fired

Kate Moss is being dropped by lingerie brand Agent Provocateur and her $1 million contract won't be renewed when it expires next month. No specific reason was given, though they're replacing her with a fresh face to represent their brand. And who can blame them? Sex is the last thing on my mind when I see Kate Moss's face. The first is trying to locate as much garlic and holy water as possible. If you're ever brushing your teeth in front of a mirror and you're all alone, and then you turn around and suddenly there's a person there who lifts up their cape and bites your neck, nine out of ten times it's Kate Moss. True story.

Source

Jul 3 2007Michelle Rodriguez does chin-ups

Michelle Rodriguez was spotted in LA doing chin-ups on a beam at Teddy's Thursday night. She managed to do seven, and when asked why she was exercising at a bar she replied:

"I'm a dork."

Although a more appropriate response would've been to just pull out her penis. I know lumberjacks who wish they were as manly as she is.

Source

Jul 2 2007Eva Longoria gets her bikini on

"Thanks for letting me borrow your bikini, grandma."

Eva Longoria and Tony Parker are currently in St. Tropez, France having a joint bachelor/bachelorette party before their wedding this weekend. And because it's St. Tropez, of course Eva Longoria was spotted in her bikini. Although i wouldn't really consider this thing a bikini. I barely even consider it clothes. I could put together a more flattering outfit by just throwing a bowl of spaghetti at her.

NOTE: I'm 90% sure she peed herself here.

Jul 2 2007Fergie completely sells out

Fergie has become the first singer to use product placement and is being paid a ridiculous $4 million by Candie's to promote their clothing line in her songs. An executive at Interscope says:

"With record sales in decline, you must find novel ways to make money out of the music. The trick is to make the brand part of the song so that it slips down easily rather than chokes the fan. Candie's will have no say over exactly what Fergie will sing, or when. Fergie does not sing jingles so it will have to work unobtrusively in the song."

Fergie? Really? They want Fergie to promote their clothing line? Maybe they should sit back and think about this a little longer. Why not just ask a bear in a clown outfit to promote their clothes? Or my four-year-old niece? She puts on garbage sometimes. Why not ask her?

Jul 2 2007Paris Hilton wears a diaper to the beach

Here's Part 2 of the epic story that is Paris Hilton at the beach. There was just too much story to fit into one post. Too much action. Too much romance. Too much danger.

Check out Part 1 here.

Jul 2 2007Criss Angel is married, doesn't care, dates Cameron Diaz

Turns out Mindfreak magician Criss Angel has been married for the past five years to a woman named Joanne Sarantakos, and the two kept their relationship a secret to increase Angel's sex appeal (?) amongst fans. However, now the two are getting divorced, and Cameron Diaz is denying she had anything to do with their separation. A rep for Diaz tells People:

"When Cameron met Criss Angel in May of this year, he had been separated from his wife for over a year and she had already filed a petition to divorce him in 2006. Cameron and Criss went on only four dates over a month ago and have no current relationship."

Sarantakos doesn't care about any of these so called "facts" and is accusing Angel of mental cruelty and abandonment – as well as of having an affair with Diaz. Although all she really has to do is go to court and show the judge these pictures. She'll be awarded all of his money and the judge will have Angel set on fire for medical safety purposes.

Jul 2 2007Rebecca Gayheart topless

"Over there, captain! I can almost see my sense of shame!"

Rebecca Gayheart was spotted topless with her husband, Eric Dane, on a chartered yacht during their vacation in Porto Cervo. Which might actually be exciting if she was hot or if I knew who the hell she was. Or if she was juggling live rattlesnakes. Because, really, that's all I'm looking for in my topless celebrity shots. Live rattlesnake juggling.

Most of these are NSFW.

UPDATE: Apparently in 2001, this Rebecca Gayheart character ran over and killed a 9-year-old boy. So, uh, that's horribly morbid.

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