Jun 29 2007Jessica Simpson is fancy
Jessica Simpson was spotted walking around Hollywood dressed like this. And she looks decent enough, but what's going on with her purse? She looks like she stole it form a kindergarten class. It probably wouldn't even look that weird except she's dressed like she's heading off to a high school prom. Which reminds me, I better bet going. Those girls aren't going to emotionally scar themselves!
Jun 29 2007Jodie Sweetin looks, uh, smarter
Stephanie Tanner showed up to the launch of the Pink Taco restaurant in Los Angeles yesterday with some massive new boobs. At least I think they're new. The last time I saw her she was 8-years-old and asking Bob Saget about puberty, so for all I know she grew these herself. In a doctor's office that is! Thank you, thank you, I'll be here all night.
Jun 29 2007Paris Hilton is a master of disguise
Paris Hilton flew to Hawaii after her Larry King interview and arrived in Maui yesterday wearing a straw hat, sunglasses, and a black wig. I'm assuming this is part of her campaign to reinvent herself as Smart Paris. Except everything she knows she learned from elementary school jokes, so she doesn't quite realize it takes more than changing your hair color to be taken seriously. She'll always be Paris Hilton. She could win the Nobel Prize in physics and every time you ran into her on the street you'd still feel the uncontrollable need to pee on her.
Jun 29 2007Lily Allen arrested
22-year-old pop singer Lily Allen was arrested yesterday after allegedly attacking a photographer outside a London nightclub back in March. She went to a London police station yesterday morning by appointment and was arrested, but then released on bail. A Scotland Yard spokeswoman confirms:
"At 9.30am yesterday, a 21-year-old woman attended a central London police station by appointment. She was arrested in connection with an allegation of assault. She has been bailed to return on a date in late July."
I'm not that familiar with Lily Allen, but it's always amusing when a tiny little girl beats up a photographer in his 40's. I know the paparazzi aren't that awesome to begin with, but I'm pretty sure this guy is required by law to turn in his testicles. And Lily? Well she's required by law to get in my bed. Man, that's an attractive face!
Jun 29 2007Kevin Federline won't sign
Kevin Federline is refusing to sign his divorce papers because he's concerned about Britney Spears' recent behavior, and wants proof Britney is able to handle joint custody of their children. A source tells People:
"Britney's attorneys are anxious to see Kevin sign off on a divorce. But Kevin and his lawyer Mark Vincent Kaplan are dragging their heels out of concern over reports of Britney's post-rehab partying. [Federline] wants to make sure that the divorce document makes it simple enough for Kevin to downsize Britney's access to her kids the next time her behavior troubles him."
You know you're in a bad place when Kevin Federline is concerned about your parenting skills. If you went to Britney Spears' house you'd probably find one of the kids tucked under a table leg to keep it from wobbling.
Jun 28 2007Kim Kardashian bends over
I have no idea what Kim Kardashian has ever done in her entire life, but I'm still completely fascinated by her. Her ass is like a medical mystery. They could write entire television shows about it, where a grumpy doctor would spend an hour every week trying to figure out just what the hell is going on with that thing. And at the end of every episode right before he's about to solve the case they cut to a suspicious looking guy in a trench coat rubbing his handlebar mustache. Then the music goes DUM DUM DUM and it says "To be continued..."
Jun 28 2007Britney Spears isn't into singing
Britney Spears was set to perform at Cyndi Lauper's True Colors tour at L.A.'s Greek Theater on Saturday but had to cancel because she would only dance or lip sync and Cyndi wasn't having any of that. A source tells Page Six:
"There's no way. Britney said she would only dance or lip-sync - and to be on stage with Cyndi, you have to actually perform. It's not happening now."
So Britney Spears will only sing on stage if she doesn't actually have to sing? I think it's safe to say this is the greatest performer of our generation. I once saw a magician make the Empire State Building disappear while he sang opera and juggled fireworks, but compared to Britney, that guy might as well have been standing on a stage farting for two hours straight.
Jun 28 2007Lindsay Lohan drunk and coked up during crash
Lindsay Lohan was allegedly drunk and had cocaine in her system during the incident when she crashed her car in Beverly Hills over Memorial Day weekend. According to law enforcement sources, toxicology reports show Lindsay had "nearly twice the legal limit" of alcohol and traces of cocaine in her bloodstream when she crashed her Mercedes.
My God, she was drunk? And she had cocaine in her system? No, no, no, this isn't right at all. That doesn't sound like Lindsay Loh-- oh wait, Lindsay Lohan. Right. I thought we were talking about that baby in the Pampers commercial.
Pictured: Lindsay leaving rehab to take a hike with some trainers. Check out this guy's face if you want to feel pretty good about yourself.
Jun 28 2007The Spice Girls back together
The Spice Girls officially announced today that all five original members will reunite and perform for 11 concerts around the world in December and January. The concerts will be the first time they've performed together since breaking up in 2001, and they're expected to make about $20 million each. Which is nice, because I think most of them were getting sick of eating cat food and sleeping in dumpsters. Besides Posh, have any of them done anything except become old and unemployed? If this thing falls through I just hope Wal-Mart lets them have their jobs back.
Jun 28 2007Brittany Murphy might be insane
A source who used to work for Brittany Murphy says Brittany is convinced "a high-powered Hollywood player" is stalking her. Back in April, her then-boyfriend Simon Monjack disappeared for 10 days and Brittany claimed he had been kidnapped by agents of her stalker. However, the kidnapping exactly coincides with the dates that Monjack, a British citizen, was reportedly jailed by U.S. immigration for overstaying his visa.
"When he came back, he had head injuries," says the former insider. "He was pale and sometimes had trouble standing." Not only that, but the former staffer also claims Murphy said she was unable to pay him because the money had been used for ransom ... Monjack, a screenwriter, is not short of enemies. Several anonymous sources have posted unflattering stories on the Internet about his past relationships. On June 13, a man identifying himself as Arturo Globenfeldt posted a message on Monjack's Imdb.com page claiming he owes him $16 million in film investment money.
So the guy gets kicked out of the country for 10 days and then tells Brittany Murphy he was kidnapped and she believes him. Wow. You could probably get her to believe the moon was made out of cheese if you wanted to. You wouldn't even have to really try, you could just mention it offhandedly and she'd be like, "Reeeeaaaally?!"
Jun 28 2007Paris Hilton's Larry King Live interview
In case you missed it, I put up the entire Larry King interview with Paris Hilton after the jump. It's pretty hilarious how seriously she takes herself. If you've got 40 minutes to kill I totally recommend watching it. Although you'll definitely want to kill yourself afterwards, so watch out for that.
Jun 28 2007Paris Hilton is a liar
Paris Hilton had her interview on Larry King Live last night, and it was every bit as stupid as you'd imagine it to be. Larry King asked Paris if she'd ever taken or been addicted to drugs and she said "No." Which is weird, because she does drugs all the time. If you're going to just lie your way through an interview, what's the point? Larry King could be interviewing a sock puppet and it'd be just as informative.
EDIT: I included a video of Paris smoking pot in Amsterdam after the jump because, well, she's a liar.
Jun 27 2007Alessandra Ambrosio, uh, walks around
It's a super slow news day, which means absolutely unnecessary pictures of random people nobody cares about. Here's Alessandra Ambrosio at the opening of the Victoria's Secret Candy Store in New York yesterday. After looking at Britney Spears and circus monsters all day, it's a bit of a shock to see somebody even remotely attractive. I'm not a scientist, but I'm pretty sure if you put Alessandra Ambrosio and Britney Spears in the same room Britney's face would explode. But only because I'd punch a hole through it while screaming, "Get away from her, she's mine!" Then I'd lock eyes with Alessandra, flex, and we'd fall in love and live happily ever after. Based on a true story.
Jun 27 2007John Stamos makes a fool of himself
John Stamos was basically kicked out of Australia after making an ass out of himself for two days straight on their public television. The Australian news reports:
Channel 9 was forced to cut short Stamos's media schedule ... after he went on a second tirade in two days, during an appearance on Kerri-Ann Kennerley's morning show yesterday. The former Full House heart-throb was obviously disorientated as Kennerley's guest as part of a promotional tour Down Under in which he has constantly appeared blurry-eyed, tired and dishevelled. "It was a bit like he'd perhaps come from a hotel mini-bar in true Hollywood style," a diplomatic Kennerley said. He reacted violently to claims he was bleary-eyed, staggering and slurring at an interview with TV writer Stephen Downie. Stamos, 38, went on the attack when Kennerley asked about his tired and emotional condition. After calling on Australia's Greek community to boycott The Daily Telegraph over his treatment, Stamos then turned on KAK herself, insulting the TV star's outfit and gyrating around with one of the studio props ... After his disastrous performance on morning TV, all other interviews were cancelled and Stamos was put on a plane back to the US.
John Stamos' official stance is that he was jet lagged, although sources say he appeared to be healthy the day he arrived when he was spotted at Sydney strip club Pure Platinum. Plus he was drunk. So, you know, the whole jet lag excuse isn't really necessary. Being drunk is enough, man, don't worry about it.
Jun 27 2007Hayden Panettiere licks butts
I get the feeling these are old, but they're making the rounds on the ol' interweb so I'm putting them up anyway. They're personal shots of Hayden Panettiere - the cheerleader from Heroes - licking a statue's butt and then, um, paying her friend to spank her? I guess? She doesn't turn 18 for another two months, so whatever you're thinking it's probably illegal. Unless you happen to be thinking about a cure for cancer. That's, you know, especially illegal.
Jun 27 2007Britney Spears shows off her belly
Britney Spears was spotted running around town yesterday dressed in what I guess is her everyday normal clothes now. Her entire outfit looks like it's three sizes too small, and I'm pretty sure her shirt was designed to fit a 12-year-old. I could go to a store, close my eyes, and randomly throw things at a mannequin and put together a better outfit. It wouldn't even have to be a clothing store. I could be at Home Depot and I'd still end up with something better than this.
Jun 27 2007Michelle Marsh takes her ginormous boobs to the beach
Michelle Marsh - who I think might be famous in the UK for doing absolutely nothing - was spotted running around the beach topless trying to prevent her gigantic boobs from tearing off. And wow are those things big. My eyes cartoonishly popped out of my head when I looked at them. This must be what people feel like the first time they get a glimpse of my biceps.
I can't tell if anything naughty is actually showing, so I'm just going to go ahead and say these are slightly NSFW.
Jun 27 2007Paris Hilton was in the fetal position
In an interview with People magazine, Paris Hilton explains the medical condition that led to her house arrest. She says:
"I was basically in the fetal position, basically in hysterics. The doctors were observing me while I was there. They explained to Sheriff [Lee] Baca that they thought I was having severe anxiety, panic attacks, claustrophobia."
And on people who doubt that she'll change after her jail experience, she says:
"They're wrong and they don't know me. I'm a good person. I'm a compassionate person. I have a big heart. I'm sincere, and they'll see."
Meanwhile, Los Angeles County Sheriff Lee Baca is saying Paris was about to die and that he was trying to save her life by letting her out of jail. He says:
"Our doctors said we had no solution to Hilton's medical problems. None. As a sheriff in this county, I'm not going to let any inmate die in this jail. What's worth more: a person spending time in a county jail for driving on a suspended license or a person losing her life? She was at a place where we couldn't fix whatever that medical problem was with the resources we have. We knew this problem was not going to get better. We were placed in a very unusual and awkward position with Ms. Hilton. ... Everyone who goes in to serve county jail time is early released. If Ms. Hilton got preferential treatment, it's that she spent more time in the county jail than the average inmate."
Because a lot of people die every year from claustrophobia. I think last year it was almost one. How is this guy an actual Los Angeles County Sheriff? He sounds like he should be chasing around cartoon bears for a living.
Jun 27 2007Shia LeBeouf makes out with mop thingy
Shia LeBeouf - the guy from Even Stevens and the new Transformers movie - appeared on TRL yesterday and made out with what appears to be a tennis ball on a mop. Or a, uh, tennis ball wearing a wig. You know, whichever. Because either explanation makes perfect sense.
Jun 27 2007Chris Benoit's text messages
More details are coming about the Chris Benoit murder-suicide. He apparently sent five text messages early Sunday morning between 3:53 AM and 3:58 AM to WWE co-workers before committing suicide, even sending some from his dead wife's cell phone. According to the WWE, the five text messages were:
(sent 6/24 at 3:53 a.m.) - Chris Benoit’s cell phone“My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane, Fayetteville Georgia. 30215”
(sent 6/24 at 3:53 a.m.) - Chris Benoit’s cell phone
“The dogs are in the enclosed pool area. Garage side door is open”(sent 6/24 at 3:54 a.m.) - Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
“My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane.
Fayetteville Georgia. 30215”(sent 6/24 at 3:55 a.m.) - Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
“My physical address is 130 Green Meadow Lane.
Fayetteville Georgia. 30215"(sent 6/24 at 3:58 a.m.) - Nancy Benoit’s cell phone
“My address is 130 Green Meadow Lane. Fayetteville Georgia. 30215”
The WWE is also dismissing any suggestions of 'roid rage' since Benoit was deliberate with the murders and left Bibles at the feet of his wife and son after killing them. A rep for the WWE says:
"The physical findings announced by authorities indicate deliberation, not rage. The wife's feet and hands were bound and she was asphyxiated, not beaten to death. By the account of the authorities, there were substantial periods of time between the death of the wife and the death of the son, again suggesting deliberate thought, not rage. The presence of a Bible by each is also not an act of rage."
This is just way too creepy to start off the morning. If you could see me, you'd see I was juggling kittens to try and alleviate the tension. You know, because kittens are cute. And super grisly murder is not.
Jun 26 2007Britney Spears says "no thanks" to dignity
Britney Spears was spotted leaving club Joseph last night dressed like a street prostitute. And because she's Britney, she ended up stripping down to her bra and getting some Carl's Jr. drive-thru. Oh wait, but it's okay, because she covered her face with a shirt. She then asked the paparazzi if they had any photos of Paris being freed from Lynwood, and after they showed her the shots, she borrowed the camera and played paparazzi. Can you imagine being her kids? There's not even a word that describes how ashamed they must be of their mom. In five years when other kids start asking who their mom is, they'll just look around the room in a panic, point at a random object, and go, "The lamp!"
Jun 26 2007Kim Kardashian's butt defies explanation
Kim Kardashian is stuffing her ass right? Like seriously just sticking cushions down there. Every time I see her that thing seems to be growing. She's like an average girl with the ass of an obese woman. A monkey could climb out from back there and it'd just be like, "What, only one?"
Jun 26 2007Britney Spears shows off her boob
Britney Spears was spotted with her breast hanging out as she tried on clothes at Jill Roberts in Beverly Hills yesterday. Her assistant was handing her clothes to try on and she didn't feel the need to keep her curtain closed, because, well, how else are people supposed to see her naked? Besides, who doesn't try on clothes in the middle of the store? Sure, the salespeople are always yelling at me to get into a dressing room but that's just because they don't want me setting off all their fire alarms.
The first two pictures are slightly NSFW so click with caution.
Jun 26 2007Chris Benoit dead in murder-suicide
WWE wrestling superstar Chris Benoit was found dead along with his wife and 7-year-old son in what police believe was a murder-suicide. Benoit and his wife and son were discovered Monday afternoon in their Atlanta home. TMZ reports:
Several Atlanta-based law enforcement sources have told TMZ Benoit may have strangled his wife on Saturday, then smothered his son in his bed a day later. Investigators refuse to officially comment, pending final confirmation by the coroner on the cause and time of the deaths. One source told TMZ that Benoit was texting friends during Sunday's WWE "Vengeance" Pay-Per-View program -- possibly watching the show with his son, who may have been alive at the time. According to sources, Benoit then hanged himself Monday in a weight room inside the family home.
So, uh, yeah. Did you hear? Paris Hilton got out.
Jun 26 2007Paris Hilton draws in prison
TMZ got their hands on an amazingly realistic self portrait Paris Hilton drew of herself while at the Lynwood jail. The picture shows her standing at a pay phone inside the jail and she's even got Larry King Live on in the background. Some people call the Mona Lisa a masterpiece, but that's only because they've never seen this. And look, she even signed it. As if somebody else would actually want to take credit for this. I'd rather take credit for a double homicide than have people think I drew this.
Jun 26 2007Paris Hilton is free
Paris Hilton was released from prison today just after midnight. She served 23 days in jail and lost nearly 10 pounds during her stay. And in other news, I found an old cake sitting on the sidewalk. Free dessert!
Jun 25 2007Christina Aguilera has huge breasts
Christina Aguilera showed up to her "Back to Basics" Press Conference in Shanghai sporting some gigantic boobies. Which doesn't really prove if she's pregnant or not, but definitely proves that I enjoy looking at her chest. I mean, uh, her brain. Her beautiful bouncing brains. She looks smart.
Jun 25 2007Paris Hilton offered $1 million to teach idiots
The Learning Annex has asked Paris Hilton to speak at the Real Estate and Wealth Expos in Seattle, Chicago, New York and Boston. They're offering her $1 million to teach a one-hour class on "How to Build Your Brand." The $1 million offer is the second highest speaking fee ever offered in the world, second only to The Learning Annex's star instructor, Donald Trump. The Learning Annex President and Founder Bill Zanker says:
"Paris Hilton is a brilliant entrepreneur who has built an incredible brand."
You'd have to be the dumbest human being alive to take advice from Paris Hilton. She's going to go up on stage for thirty seconds and list off her keys to success: "Be born into a wealthy family, have a famous name, act slutty, and let people tape you having sex." Then during question and answer time people will ask her business questions and she'll respond, "I didn't really understand that. Want me to take my top off?"
Jun 25 2007Brooke Hogan embarrasses herself
Brooke Hogan performed at the Kiss 95.1 radio show in Charlotte, North Carolina over the weekend looking like some sort of transsexual rodeo clown. How is her manager letting her show up to events like this? First of all she's a dude. And then there's the fact that she's a dude. And also she's a dude. So really, the only time she should ever be dressed like this is in private, standing in front of a mirror and crying.
Jun 25 2007Demi Moore needs a bra
Demi Moore was spotted in New York City Saturday morning making a run for her hotel room without a bra on and with her nipples showing through her shirt. And what exactly is she thinking here? "Hmm, I need to get to my hotel room, my nipples are 100% visible through my shirt, and I've got a jacket. What am I going to do?" Then she ponders for a bit and declares triumphantly, "I'll put the jacket on my head!" She's like the opposite of MacGyver. You could give her a nail and a hammer to hang up a frame and she'd end throwing the nail at the wall and eating the hammer.
Pictures are NSFW so click with caution.
Jun 25 2007Jenna Jameson isn't completely ugly
Jenna Jameson brought her ginormous boobs to a signing at the '07 Erotica convention in Los Angeles over the weekend and showed up walking that horrifying line between hot and disgusting. She looks better than I'm used to seeing her, but considering she used to look like this, she could've shown up with three eyes and a fin and it would've been an improvement.
Jun 25 2007Cameron Diaz offends Peruvians
Cameron Diaz visited Peru's Machu Picchu last Friday and offended everybody there by carrying around a green bag with a red star and the phrase "Serve the People" in Chinese. Turns out the phrase is a slogan used by Chinese Communist leader Mao Zedong, and Peru has a history of communist insurgencies, including the Maoist Shining Path insurgency of the 1980s and early 1990s that left nearly 70,000 dead. A Peruvian human rights activist tells the AP:
"It alludes to a concept that did so much damage to Peru, that brought about so many victims. I don't think she should have used that bag where the followers of that ideology did so much damage."
On Sunday, Cameron apologized for her idiocy, emailing a statement to the AP:
"I sincerely apologize to anyone I may have inadvertently offended. The bag was a purchase I made as a tourist in China and I did not realize the potentially hurtful nature of the slogan printed on it. I'm sorry for any people's pain and suffering and it was certainly never my intention to reopen what I now know is a painful wound in this country's history."
That's what happens when you're Cameron Diaz and stupid. I heard last month she wanted to visit Alabama wearing her new ghost costume, but at the last minute canceled and went to an Indian reservation wearing her cowboy outfit instead.
Jun 25 2007Paris Hilton to be interviewed by Larry King
Paris Hilton gets out of jail Tuesday and it's been confirmed she will be giving her first post-jail interview to Larry King Wednesday night. She'll be on for the entire hour of his show and a spokesperson for CNN says, "Paris will not be paid a dime for the interview ... Larry doesn't tell us production details, but what I can tell you is that Larry does not pay for interviews and there are no ground rules."
The news comes just after NBC scrapped their $1 million interview deal with her. Additionally, a $300,000 photo exclusive with People has also reportedly been canceled. Although I still can't figure out why Paris decided to go with Larry King instead of me. Look, just because I'd show up with some rope, tape, and a lead pipe doesn't mean I can't conduct a professional interview. I'd wear a tie and everything. And gloves. And maybe a smock. You know, for the blood. I mean, uh, professionalism.
Jun 25 2007Rosie O'Donnell won't host The Price Is Right
Rosie O'Donnell has been in talks to replace Bob Barker as host of The Price is Right and even met with producers last week, but in a video posted late last night on her website she says she probably won't take the job because she doesn't want to move to LA. She says:
"Here's the thing. I don't really need a job. I'm in a weird position. I don't need the money. I know you're not allowed to talk about money in America, but I'm just saying I don't. So to get my entire family uprooted from their lives and move them across the country so that I can have a fantasy childhood indulgence job just doesn't seem fair. They all are in school, they have friends, we love their school, we love our community, our house, our life, our home. If they were able to do it in New York it would be a different story. But it looks like it ain't gonna happen."
I wouldn't move for a job either. They once asked me to move to Washington D.C. to be the President of the United States and I was all, "Pshh, that's like a six-hour flight. Screw that."
