Jun 22 2007Marisa Miller gets her bikini on
Victoria's Secret model Marisa Miller was spotted in a bikini for some random photo shoot on the beach. And in case you're wondering, Marisa Miller in a bikini is 100% the absolute most important news ever. The moon landing? Yeah, that was pretty important I guess, but compared to this it might as well have been about the time I had cereal for breakfast.
EDIT: Moved this up. I'd much rather look at this all weekend than Britney Spears trying to buy a bird in her pajamas.
Jun 22 2007Britney Spears buys a parakeet
"More chins. I need more chins!"
Britney Spears was spotted at Petco yesterday buying herself a new pet parakeet. Which is a great idea, because if Britney Spears needs anything, it's more responsibility in her life. According to an imaginary witness I made up, as she was leaving, Britney was spotted rubbing her hands together and saying, "This is going to be delicious!"
NOTE: Didn't Britney used to have kids? I'm pretty sure they're in a cage somewhere, waving a sippy cup back and forth along the bars and singing the blues.
Jun 22 2007Paris Hilton's NBC interview canceled
NBC has canceled their $1 million interview with Paris Hilton, most likely from the pressure of the entire world calling them ass clowns. No official reason was given, but NBC is backtracking and saying they never sealed the deal on the interview to begin with, so there was nothing really there to cancel. Clearly they're just trying to cover their asses now. They obviously wanted the interview and were willing to pay $1 million for it, and then the internet exploded with anger and they backed down. Own up to it, NBC. Like the time I caught you masturbating to pictures of your sister. Just admit it, man. It's not that bad. She's hot, I get it. Oh, wait, you actually did? Gross, dude, I'm telling your mom.
Jun 22 2007Eddie Murphy is officially the father
A rep for Scary Spice aka Melanie Brown has confirmed that a DNA test shows Eddie Murphy is officially the father of her 2-month-old daughter. A source close to Brown says, "He's the baby's father, it's official. The baby is undoubtedly, 110 percent his. There was no doubt in people's minds anyways, least of all hers. It wasn't a surprise to her. She knew all along."
Well sucks for Eddie. Not only does he officially have a daughter he doesn't want, but the entire world now knows he had sex with this thing. Pictures could surface of him making out with a horse and it'd be less shameful.
Jun 22 2007Harrison Ford is Indiana Jones
This is the first shot of Harrison Ford back in costume for the new Indiana Jones movie coming out in 2008. I was gonna make a joke about the movie being about him yelling at kids to stay off his lawn, but he looks amazingly good for a 64-year-old. When I'm 64 I'll be lucky if I'm not a giant bag of ash.
Jun 22 2007Lindsay Lohan working hard in rehab
Remember when I suggested the Promises rehab facility was like a circus? Turns out I wasn't too far off, as Lindsay Lohan was spotted at Venice Beach Wednesday bicycling and roller blading with some friends. And maybe I'm not the master of subtlety that she is, but if you're trying to be inconspicuous, maybe taking your shirt off and riding around in your bikini isn't the best idea. "They're taking my picture! I know how to stop them, I'll take my shirt off! Wait, they're not stopping. Noooooo!"
Jun 22 2007Britney Spears' album pushed back
Britney Spears was supposed to release her new album in November, but her publicist has confirmed that it's been postponed. Her rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, tells Life & Style, "I put her on hiatus. Brit's album is pushed until '08."
Another source close to Britney says executives at her record label, Jive, fear her career is over. The source says, "I'm surprised the album wasn't pushed back to 2009. Everything's up in the air with the album right now."
I'm a little surprised Jive is still moving forward with the album. It's pretty clear Britney's singing career is over. I've heard the first couple tracks off the new album and it's just her chewing on Cheetos and having difficulty breathing. Just kidding, that wasn't the album. It was her entire life.
Jun 21 2007Kate Beckinsale is kind of pretty...I guess
Kate Beckinsale showed up to the UK premiere of Die Hard 4.0 looking like her usual ridiculous self. Ridiculously ugly that is! That face, that body. I mean c'mon, it's like she's not even trying. She looks like she's completely covered in hair! And what is that, a banana? Hmm, wait, I think I was looking at the monkey issue of Zoo Books on accident. Let me pull up the right pictures. Oh, yeah, she looks stunning here.
Jun 21 2007Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen take cell phones
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen demanded that all guests check their cell phones and BlackBerrys at the door to their 21st birthday party last Friday because they didn't want any illicit pictures ruining their six-figure asking price for exclusive photos. Although I could put up random pictures from an 80-year-old woman's birthday party and you probably wouldn't be able to tell the difference. Except that maybe Mary-Kate was looking a bit more youthful than usual. I'm 99% convinced these two are monsters. Regular cameras probably wouldn't even pick up their picture.
Jun 21 2007Kelly Clarkson was bulimic
Kelly Clarkson says she used to be bulimic, and developed the eating disorder after she was passed over for a role in her high school musical. She tells CosmoGirl:
"I thought...If I came back and I'm cuter and thinner...then I'll get the role." For six months, Clarkson was bulimic, until a friend discovered her problem. "One of my guy friends caught on to it, and I just felt so ashamed and embarrassed," she tells the mag. "I literally went cold turkey and snapped out of it."
Ahh, high school. I see. So she's no longer bulimic. Because I was about to say ... you know ... *casually walks away while whistling*
Jun 21 2007Paris Hilton getting $1 million for interview
NBC has agreed to pay Paris Hilton $1 million for her first after-jail interview which will appear on the "Today" show. Paris agreed to the interview, but said she'd only speak with Meredith Vieira because of "disparaging" remarks her co-host Matt Lauer made about her. ABC execs are pissed at the news because they were expecting Paris' first interview to go to Barbara Walters.
Although the real loser in all this is America. Paris Hilton is basically getting paid $1 million for 23 days of jail time. Man, I really should have tried harder to secure this Paris Hilton interview. Wait, what do you call it when you repeatedly hit somebody with a bat? Interview, right? Isn't that called an interview?
Jun 21 2007Britney Spears does whatever she wants
Britney Spears reportedly stormed out of a photo shoot for her new perfume last week and refused to return. Page Six reports:
"There was a shoot last week in L.A. for a new perfume she's coming out with and something happened," a source says. "She got very upset and stormed out of the shoot and wouldn't come back. She is not listening to anyone and doing exactly what she wants. But sometimes she doesn't know best."
They don't say what exactly caused Britney to storm out, but you can bet it was something stupid, like she saw her own reflection and got scared because she thought there was a ghost in the room. She basically acts like an 6-year-old, so it could pretty much be anything. They probably just tried to make her eat some vegetables or something.
Jun 20 2007Jessica Biel wears bikinis for GQ
Jessica Biel put on a bikini for the latest issue of GQ, and in her interview talks about what it's like being named Esquire magazine's Sexiest Woman Alive in 2005. She says:
“At first I felt really embarrassed about it. You know, it’s a weird thing to talk about. Like, ‘Hey, guys. Guess what?’ You don’t just go telling everybody that. But after I got over that, I just started to embrace it. I started thinking, If I ever do have kids, and if they have kids, I can tell them: ‘You know what? Your grandma in 2000-and-whatever was the Sexiest Woman Alive. How about that, kids?’ That’s what I started to think about. I’ll always have that picture to say, ‘That’s what Granny used to look like.’ ”
And I don't want to alarm anybody, but looking at these pictures may or may not cause your penis to explode. And you know those pictures of me posing sexily in my basement? I wouldn't recommend looking at those either, unless your fond of spontaneously catching on fire.
Jun 20 2007Tara Reid makes out with people watching
Now that Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton are out of the picture, Tara Reid has taken over the LA party scene. She was spotted making out with some random guy outside Hyde last night with a bunch of people in the car. No, wait, that's not fair. I call him some random guy but Tara's known him for at least, what, twenty minutes? They're practically married.
Jun 20 2007Paris Hilton writes to fans
Paris Hilton has been responding to fan mail to keep busy in prison and E! obtained a copy of one of her letters. Paris writes:
"I read your letter and just wanted to thank you for your kind words of love and support. The fact that you took time out of your day to write me truly means the world. Especially at such a difficult and scary time in my life. But I am being strong and trying to make the best out of the situation. And the letters I'm receiving really do put a smile on my face as I sit here in my cell, sad and alone. Again, thank you so much and may God bless you and your family.Love always, Paris Hilton."
It's nice that she's responding to all her "fan" mail, but is that seriously how she signs her name? She's like five years old. I keep expecting to see a drawing of a unicorn in the margin. If you asked a bunch of third graders to write the exact same message, Paris' version would be the second worst. And only because one of the kids took a dump on his paper instead of using a pencil. And even then it was a tough call.
NOTE: You know she concentrated so hard on this letter, brow furrowed, tongue hanging out the side of her mouth, trying so hard to make each line neat and straight, and yet she still somehow managed to misspell 'receiving.'
Jun 20 2007Britney Spears is drinking again
Britney Spears has fallen off (on?) the wagon and was spotted having several rounds of cocktails last Friday, less than 90 days after leaving rehab. She was hanging out with four friends at a private table at Lola's in Hollywood and treated herself to three drinks. Us Weekly reports:
“She had two Jack [Daniels] and Cokes and an orange-flavored martini,” Lola’s manager, Sylvie Haines, tells Us Weekly, adding that “her whole visit was pretty low-key and she didn’t seem drunk.”
How would you even tell she's drunk? When she's sober she already takes her clothes off in public and acts like an ass. She's just really really stupid. You could put her on a game show against a puppy and she'd end up losing half her savings.
Jun 20 2007Carmit Bachar flashes her nipple
Is there a single person that knows who the members of the Pussycat Dolls are? I know the lead singer is Nicole Scherzinger, and then there's four or five other girls who basically stand around doing nothing. Anyways, these are a couple months old, but Nicole Scherzinger and another member of the Pussycat Dolls, Carmit Bachar, were spotted at Pure in Las Vegas. And if you're looking at that creature on the right and thinking, "Man, I wish her nipple would pop out of her shirt" then you're a freak. But you're also in luck, because it did. But mostly you're a freak. Aren't the Pussycat Dolls supposed to be hot? If I saw this thing walking towards me I wouldn't even think, I'd just punch it in the throat and run.
EDIT: I originally spelled Carmit as Cermit, but really, does it even matter?
Jun 20 2007Christina Aguilera is pregnant
A source has confirmed that rumors Christina Aguilera is pregnant "are definitely true." Page Six reports:
"She's been telling friends," said one snitch, who revealed, "she has to be three months now, because she's announcing it."
The picture above has nothing to do with the pictures below, I just thought you needed a friendly reminder as to what her husband looks like. Most women would rather make out with their dad than with this guy. How did he get her pregnant? I imagine it'd be difficult when every time you get naked for sex your wife goes running out of the room screaming.
Jun 20 2007Lindsay Lohan extending her rehab
A friend of Lindsay Lohan says Lindsay is extending her rehab and won't be celebrating her birthday at Pure in Las Vegas because she might still be at Promises. Page Six reports:
A close friend of Lohan said, "She is staying in Promises for longer than a month. We don't know how much longer because of her work schedule, but she is taking rehab very seriously this time and not messing around."
It's hard to believe she's actually taking rehab seriously. I think this will all make sense a month from now when they do an investigative report on Promises and it turns out they're not even a rehab facility, but actually a circus.
Jun 19 2007Jessica Simpson hits the gym
Jessica Simpson was spotted at a Hollywood gym wearing some shorts. And, um, that's about it. I wish I could find a legitimate excuse to put these up but we're going to have to go with "I felt like it" on this one. And who knows what I'll feel like putting up tomorrow. A dog playing the piano? A man so good at arcade basketball your brain will explode? Or maybe a naked Dane Cook trying to mount Jessica Alba in some horrible Photoshop action. The sky's the limit, my friends. The sky's the limit.
NOTE: What the hell is going on with her chin? If she wants to make a little money on the side she could rent that thing out for children's birthday parties.
Jun 19 2007Evangeline Lilly tries to look angry
Evangeline Lilly, who plays Kate on Lost, was spotted at Vancouver Airport giving the finger to the paparazzi. Although for some reason it's way less annoying than when Britney Spears or Avril Lavigne do it. Probably because she's so adorable. It's like a puppy trying to bite you with its tiny little mouth. You just want to shake you head side to side and go, "Who's a little princess? You are! You are!"
Jun 19 2007Katie Holmes is pregnant again
The Sun is reporting that Katie Holmes is pregnant with her second child with Tom Cruise. She was spotted with Tom in Madrid, trying to hide her bump under a loose dress as they watched David Beckham's last game at Real Madrid. And even though she's in the early stages of pregnancy, she apparently downed some alcohol at the post-match party.
A source said: “Katie and Tom are thrilled about having another baby on the way. She is glowing with happiness.”
As crazy as Tom Cruise is, Suri turned out to be painfully cute. The only way their next kid is even going to come close is if it comes out a baby koala dressed in a sailor outfit.
UPDATE: Apparently Katie Holmes' baby bump can appear and disappear at will. The Daily Mail has a pretty comprehensive analysis of the whole thing. Thanks to Jack for the tip, who I hear can pleasure a woman just by looking at them.
Jun 19 2007Jennifer Aniston meets with Brad Pitt's mom
Celebrity Babylon got photos of Jennifer Aniston meeting up with her former mother-in-law, Jane Pitt. Pitt was escorted by Brad Pitt's security team in a black SUV and taken to Jennifer's rented Malibu beach home.
According to our Celebrity Babylon snapper, "The second the SUV was feet from the place, Jen's bodyguard rushed out and got the door for Jane. She was quickly taken into the house where she stayed for the next two hours."
I'm not sure why this qualifies as news. I think they want you to believe that Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt's mom are conspiring against Angelina Jolie in some way. And yeah, maybe they are sitting around a black cauldron chanting strange incantations and throwing in pictures of Angelina Jolie, but that doesn't mean anything. My ex-girlfriend did that all the time and she assured me it was just normal girl behavior. As was calling my home at weird hours and threatening to murder me in my sleep. You know, just girls being girls.
Jun 19 2007Tara Reid still alive
Tara Reid was spotted in Manhattan yesterday, which isn't really news, I just thought it was funny that the paparazzi are still following her around. The guy at Starbucks who makes my coffee has a bigger career than her.
Jun 19 2007Shar Jackson suing Star
Shar Jackson has hired a lawyer to sue Star Magazine for sticking to their story that she's pregnant with Kevin Federline's baby. Shar says through her rep:
"When my kids hear things at school and then ask me if they are getting a new brother or sister, I have to put my foot down." Shar is willing to prove to the magazine that she is not pregnant, and tells Star's editor-in-chief, Bonnie Fuller, "I stand by my truth by offering you an EPT test if you stand by yours and reveal your 'source' to me."
This is Star magazine we're talking about. She really doesn't have to take a pregnancy test for them. Last week they reported that the world was flat and that babies come from storks. Quality journalism isn't exactly their strong suit.
Jun 19 2007Lindsay Lohan cancels 21st birthday party
Lindsay Lohan has canceled her 21st birthday bash in Las Vegas which was scheduled at club Pure, although she's still contractually obligated to attend another party there at a date to be determined. The venue released a statement saying:
"We support Lindsay and wish her the best as she is taking care of personal matters at this time. Due to the unique circumstances, as of this afternoon Lindsay's birthday party at PURE Nightclub has been canceled. We think the world of her and look forward to working with her in the future.”
My God, is it possible she's actually on the road to recovery? Probably not. I'm guessing her people canceled the party for her, and she doesn't even know about it yet. The odds of Lindsay not getting drunk on her 21st birthday are about as good as me not bench pressing my Ferrari, namely zero.
Jun 18 2007Britney Spears wardrobe malfunction
Britney Spears had a "wardrobe malfunction" in Beverly Hills last Friday. And I use the quotes because she's basically just taking her top off, which I'm pretty sure is just considered stripping at this point. She could've avoided the whole thing completely by just not taking her clothes off. And what the hell is this? She's just driving around in her bra now? She's reaching whole new levels of stupidity. Lindsay Lohan could spend the next eight years of her life drinking paint and I'm not sure she'd be able to catch up.
EDIT: To make this slightly newsworthy, Britney Spears is threatening legal action against a Florida radio station for using her bald head in a billboard advertisement with headlines like "Total Nut Jobs," "Shock Therapy," and "Certifiable."
Jun 18 2007Lindsay Lohan gets free chauffeur service
New York based company Georgi has offered free chauffeuring services to both Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton. Which means they've single handedly saved the lives of every person in Los Angeles. A drunk monkey is more qualified to own a driver's license than these two. I could floor the gas and let my tennis racket steer and I'd end up driving better than them.
And here's Lindsay Lohan leaving rehab again to go workout with a bunch of friends. And by workout I mean stand on the balcony and wave at people.
Jun 18 2007Britney Spears is a lady
Britney Spears was spotted at a Beverly Hills nails salon getting a French manicure. And as she left, she gave the paparazzi a taste of her ladylike manners. I'd suggest she and Avril Lavigne have a contest to see who's the most ladylike, but I don't think the world could handle that much concentrated femininity. Gay people would walk in the room and instantly turn straight.
Jun 18 2007Britney Spears steals her friend's clothes
Britney Spears was spotted at Club Winston last Friday and ended up switching clothes with her girlfriend midway through the night. Because that's the kind of shit you have to deal with when your Britney Spears' friend. She's just lucky Britney wasn't wearing a clown outfit. Because it's not like you can say no to her. She'd stomp her feet and cry until you said yes. Or at least until you pulled out a shiny object for her to play with. She'd clap her hands excitedly and go, "Oooooh"
Jun 18 2007Julia Roberts gives birth
Julia Roberts gave birth to a baby boy today at Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles. She named this one Henry, who now joins his brother and sister, 2-year-old twins Phinnaeus and Hazel. Although judging by these pictures I was expecting her to give birth to a full grown adult bison.
Jun 18 2007Bai Ling is almost too good at dancing
Bai Ling was spotted showing off her dance moves at Club Play for porn star Mary Carey's birthday party last Friday. And, really, all you other dancers should just give up. You can't compete with this. I imagine this is how God would dance. Assuming, of course, that God had no sense of rhythm and lost the use of his limbs in a horrible car accident.
Jun 18 2007Tom Cruise is a priest-like thing
Tom Cruise is reportedly performing a wedding for his friend, Australian heir James Packer, because Cruise has reached the highest level of "clear" in Scientology. And that may sound like a bunch of gobbledygook to you and me, but it makes perfectly good sense to Scientologists. Probably because they're so smart. Any organization that would let Tom Cruise perform a wedding clearly knows what's up.
Jun 18 2007Nicole Richie is probably pregnant
Nicole Richie fueled pregnancy rumors Thursday night when she declined alcohol at the YSL Center Dance Arts party at the Beverly Hills Hotel. There's been speculation that this is all an act to get out of serving jail time for her DUI arrest, but Nicole Richie turning down alcohol? No, something is definitely afoot. I better put on my detective hat and do some investigating. I think I'll start with the girl's locker room. That place always needs investigating. Sometimes three or four times a day.
Jun 18 2007Kristy Swanson arrested
Kristy Swanson, who appeared on Skating with Celebrities and caused a scandal when her skating partner left his pregnant wife for her, was arrested Saturday night for allegedly assaulting the ex-wife. People reports:
"I had to go the police station where I had an appointment at 9 p.m. to begin the process of being arrested," she confirms. Swanson was released on $500 (Canadian) bail. Officers escorted her into the police station in Kingston, Ontario, after Eisler's ex, Marcia O'Brien, filed a complaint against Swanson. Swanson, 37, claims she was attacked by O'Brien in front of Eisler and O'Brien's children. The actress's rep, Michael Sands, says Swanson plans to press charges against O'Brien, saying that police took photographs of her back and other parts of her upper extremities to document the injuries.
There's nothing quite like stealing a pregnant woman's husband and then beating her up. I believe it was Mother Teresa who once said it was the greatest gift you could give a person.
UPDATE: Kristy Swanson has counter filed an assault claim. Yay for people we don't know doing things we don't care about.
Jun 18 2007Vanessa Minnillo to get reality show?
Vanessa Minnillo is reportedly in talks to get her own reality show which would basically just follow her around all day. Gatecrasher reports:
"The show would just follow her around in her day," a source says, adding wryly, "She really wants to be famous."
Nobody even knows who this chick is, except that she's dating Nick Lachey and was almost murdered by Lindsay Lohan one time. I'd rather watch a reality show about my coffee table. It could just be a shot of my coffee table for half an hour and it'd still be more interesting than anything this chick could do.
