Jun 8 2007Christina Aguilera is probably pregnant
In non-Paris Hilton related news, Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman stopped by a maternity center yesterday, fueling rumors that Christina is pregnant. TMZ reports they stopped by New York's Maternal Fetal Medicine Association, known for their expertise in high-risk pregnancies and state-of-the-art ultrasounds.
Notice that Christina Aguilera is covering up her stomach in every single shot here. Also notice that she looks pissed as hell. Which doesn't make any sense, because the father of her baby is so incredibly good looking. Oh, no, wait, that's a mirror. Man, look at him. They'll be lucky if this kid isn't born with hamburger meat for a face. Or isn't a damn Mr. Potato Head.
Jun 8 2007Paris Hilton checking into Twin Towers Correctional Facility
Paris Hilton is currently being checked into the Twin Towers Correctional Facility, the same place she checked herself into Sunday night after the MTV Movie Awards. And that means pretty soon she'll be in for another strip search. If the family of the prison guards don't hear back from them anytime soon, don't worry, they're probably just lost somewhere in her vagina. I heard it took Lewis and Clark eight months to find their way out of there.
UPDATE: TMZ reports that instead of being transported to the Century Regional Detention Facility, Paris Hilton will spend the weekend in the medical ward of the Twin Towers Correctional Facility while her lawyers file an appeal. Her lawyers are filing a writ of habeas corpus, claiming her body is being held illegally. Which is about the only way anybody would ever want to hold her body. Zing!
Jun 8 2007Paris Hilton ordered back to jail
Paris Hilton has been ordered back to jail in Lynwood and will serve out her original 45 day sentence with a credit for the 5 days she's already served. Reporters say she was crying through the entire process and, when Judge Michael Sauer gave his decision, she let out a huge cry and said, "This isn't right." She was then physically dragged out of the courtroom by a female deputy, in tears, screaming, "Mom, Mom, Mom."
Some witnesses say they saw a rainbow above the courtroom. And others say they saw a giant man in the clouds with a white beard nodding his head approvingly. And me? Well I saw Judge Michael Sauer grow to be twelve feet tall, with muscles the size of tree trunks. And when he smiled, little cartoon hearts appeared above my head and there was a strange tingling sensation in my pants.
NOTE: I officially nominate Judge Michael Sauer for President of the Entire Universe.
UPDATE: There's conflicting reports about her sentence. She either has to serve out her reduced 23 days or her original 45 days depending on who you're hearing it from.
UPDATE 2: The official word is that she has to serve out her original 45 day sentence, although that comes out to 23 days of actual jail time with good behavior (one day off for every day of good behavior). So she's still going in for her original 45 day sentence, but will still only do 23 days (minus the 5 day credit) of actual jail time.
Jun 8 2007Mila Kunis was born with no ass
Mila Kunis, the chick from That 70's Show, was spotted wearing short shorts in Hawaii while filming Forgetting Sarah Marshall. And I'm not a doctor by any stretch of the imagination (except that I am a doctor) but shouldn't her shorts be filled with something? Like with, say, a pair of buttocks? I mean she's cute and all, but this plank of wood I found in the dumpster has a bigger ass than her. I read somewhere that they use her butt to calibrate rulers.
Jun 8 2007Paris Hilton returns to court...sort of
The Los Angeles City Attorney filed a motion yesterday demanding a hearing before Judge Michael Sauer to determine why the Sheriff's Department allowed Paris Hilton to get out of jail when the judge had expressly ordered her to serve out her entire sentence. Paris was scheduled to appear in court today at 9 AM, but, of course, has been allowed to appear via phone instead. TMZ reports that at this moment there's a war going on in the courtroom between Paris' lawyer, the City Attorney, and the Sheriff's Dept.
And in case you were wondering, this is what it looks like outside Paris Hilton's home right now. There's at least five news choppers circling and an armada of paparazzi on the street. Because, really, this is the most important thing that has ever happened in the history of time. George Washington could come back from the dead and he'd just end up getting trampled to death by all the news people trying to get to Paris' house.
UPDATE: Judge Michael T. Sauer has ordered that Paris Hilton appear in person for the hearing and has sent a Los Angeles County Sheriff's vehicle to pick her up.
Jun 8 2007Paula Abdul is a gift to the world
Paula Abdul's new reality show on Bravo, "Hey Paula," is apparently full of her acting like a spoiled brat and saying ridiculous things like: "I'm tired of people not treating me like the gift that I am." Gatecrasher reports:
In the first episode, set to air June 28, the "American Idol" judge appears addled after the 2007 Grammy Awards. She stumbles on the street and giggles in the back of her limo ("I crack myself up!") before her mood darkens and she berates two assistants for not bringing her sweat pants to change into for a flight ... "The way I've been treated is [like] a piece of dog s—," she complains in another typical outburst.
It's always kind of amazing to see Paula is even capable of speech. Every time she tries to say something it looks like an epic struggle with her face. I was expecting her show to be an hour of her sitting around barely conscious and drooling, so she's already exceeded my expectations.
Jun 8 2007Martha Stewart hates Egyptians
Martha Stewart was on her way to make an appearance on The View Tuesday when she noticed she was being followed by a police cruiser. When her car stopped at the studio, it was surrounded by officers and her driver was promptly arrested. Page Six reports:
A visibly upset Stewart went up to her dressing room and, according to a source, "started shouting loudly to an assistant over the phone." The domestic diva yelled, "How could you do this to me? Don't you do background checks on people? He was Egyptian! What do I pay you people for?"
Hmm, right, so apparently Martha Stewart pays her people to make sure she doesn't hire any Egyptians. I'm pretty sure that's illegal. As is cutting off somebody's head and wearing it like a mask. I think.
Jun 8 2007Isaiah Washington fired for hating gay people
A rep for Isaiah Washington has confirmed that Isaiah has officially been fired from Grey's Anatomy and won't be returning next season. This all comes after Washington called castmate T.R. Knight a faggot. He later apologized, checked into rehab, met with gay leaders, and released a PSA condemning the use of hate speech, but I guess his overpowering hate of gay people won out. There's an important lesson to be learned from all this, and it's to always look both ways before crossing the street. No wait, I mean drink your milk. Keep your hands at ten and two? What the hell were we talking about again?
Jun 7 2007Jayden James Federline shows his face
Britney Spears was spotted in Hawaii with her kids and this is apparently the first "clear" shot of Jayden James Federline. I'm assuming he's the one without the super wedgie, but all kids look the same so who knows. And I don't know what happened since these pictures, but it's hard to even comprehend that this ass and this ass are from the same person. The first one could be of a gun shot victim and it'd look just as related. Slightly less horrifying too.
UPDATE: Pictures now with more cow bell.
Jun 7 2007Paris Hilton speaks out
An attorney for Paris Hilton issued the following statement today on behalf of Paris:
"I want to thank the Los Angeles County Sheriff's Department and staff of the Century Regional Detention Center for treating me fairly and professionally. I am going to serve the remaining 40 days of my sentence. I have learned a great deal from this ordeal and hope that others have learned from my mistakes."
There's a lot of words you'd use to describe Paris Hilton's treatment by the legal system but 'fair' wouldn't be one of them. They could've sent her to Disneyland for a week and it would've been more fair than what she got.
Jun 7 2007Kim Kardashian is a ridiculous human being
Kim Kardashian was spotted leaving Koi posing like, uh, this. Look, I'll admit she's hot because, well, she's hot. But what the hell is this? If you want to know why men don't respect women for their minds it's because of shit like this. I can understand posing for the paparazzi and maybe sticking your tushy out a little, but this is unreal. She could be wearing a hamburger for a hat and she'd look less ridiculous. Mmm, twice as tasty though.
Jun 7 2007Paris Hilton released for psychological problems
So apparently Paris Hilton's medical condition was purely psychological and she was released from prison because she was in danger of having a nervous breakdown. TMZ reports:
Psychiatrist Charles Sophy visited Hilton in jail yesterday and the day before. We're told after Sophy's visit yesterday, word was passed to the Sheriff that Hilton's mental state was fragile and she was at risk. The reason for releasing her had nothing to do with a rash or other physical issues. It was purely in her head.
So the big medical reason that got Paris Hilton released was that she wasn't happy in prison. Which, I always thought, was sort of the whole point. Was she expecting to ride on unicorns and dance under waterfalls? It's fucking prison. I'm pretty sure the inmates who get daily anal rapings are pretty upset too, but nobody's letting them go home. The moral of the story is: if you're ever put in prison just put on a frowny face and they'll let you go. Oh, and make sure you're Paris Hilton. That last part's pretty important.
Jun 7 2007Britney Spears dating her drug counselor
In another of many great decisions, Britney Spears is reportedly dating her drug counselor, John Sundahl. He was recommended to Spears by somebody at the Promises rehab facility, but when she visited his house in Beverly Hills to discuss how she'd stay sober, they ended up sticking their tongues into each other's mouths. A source says: "Britney and John ended up making out beside the pool — and Britney acted like she didn’t care who saw her. She’s got no shame.”
Nothing says class like making out with your drug counselor in public. And what the hell kind of drug counselor is this? I know counselors who meet with patients in an open robe and leopard print thong and they seem more professional than this guy.
Jun 7 2007Paris Hilton released from jail
TMZ reports Paris Hilton was released from jail early this morning after serving less than five days of her already reduced 23 day sentence (her original sentence was 45 days). She's been fitted with an ankle bracelet and put under house arrest for the next 40 days. She was apparently released from jail due to medical reasons, although the LA County Sheriff's department has refused to release details about the "medical issue" due to confidentiality. After the 40 days are up, the LA County Sheriff's department says she will have "fulfilled her debt to society."
Of course. We were fucking morons to think Paris might actually serve out her sentence. Tomorrow they'll probably take off the ankle bracelet and issue a full apology. Then give her some sort of medal and make her President of the United States of America.
NOTE: Since when is being rich and famous considered a medical condition? Weird.
Jun 7 2007Akon didn't do anything wrong
Akon is claiming through his attorney that he didn't do anything wrong when he picked up the 15-year-old boy at the KFEST concert and threw him off stage. The Poughkeepsie Journal reports:
"Given the information that we have reviewed to date, it does not appear to us that Akon was involved in any criminal conduct whatsoever," said a statement released by Akon's Manhattan-based attorney, Benjamin Brafman, through Dan Klores Communications in New York City, a public relations firm. "We are prepared to fully cooperate with any law enforcement agency that may be investigating this incident. We are confident that after a thorough investigation it will be apparent that no criminal prosecution of Akon is warranted."
What the hell is wrong with famous people? Do they really have no concept of responsibility? Akon could drive his car through a person's home and run over their grandma and not even notice. There'd be an old woman lying dying under his tires and he'd just park his car at IHOP and grab some breakfast.
Jun 6 2007Maggie Gyllenhaal breastfeeds in public
Maggie Gyllenhaal was spotted breastfeeding her daughter in public in New York City. And I really don't know what to say to these. It's not like it's Paris Hilton walking around with her vagina hanging out. It's breastfeeding. Making fun of her would be like going to a nude beach and making fun of everybody for being naked. Which, you know, I usually only do on Thursdays.
These are all probably NSFW depending on how your work feels about a baby sucking on an exposed breast for milk. Personally, mine doesn't care. Although my boss also happens to be a puppy dachshund that runs around my living room trying to eat all my stereo equipment.
Jun 6 2007Kate Bosworth and Liv Tyler kiss
Kate Bosworth and Liv Tyler bumped into each other while grabbing lunch at Sant Ambroeus in New York yesterday, and apparently Liv Tyler greets people by making out with them. That's a pretty passionate kiss right there. It actually looks like Bosworth is trying to escape here. If I kissed my friends like that I probably wouldn't have any more friends. Not because I'd be shunned or anything, but because they'd die once they experienced the ecstasy that is my mouth. That's right, ladies. *wink*
Jun 6 2007Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad want to be famous
Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad (two people you absolutely do not know) are apparently having some sort of wannabe-celebrity reality TV cat fight. Heidi is desperate for more face time on the MTV reality series The Hills so she's been crashing scenes with her "best friend" Lauren.
“Heidi’s been showing up at shoots uninvited,” a source tells Us. “She knows her best chance for airtime next season [which premieres in August] is to be in sequences with Lauren.” The drama came to a head May 30 after Montag, 20 – now engaged to Spencer Pratt, 23 – clashed with Conrad, 21, at L.A. nightclub Les Deux. “Lauren was screaming, 'You’re pathetic!’” says a witness. “Lauren was using her hands wildly, saying she didn’t want to deal with Heidi.”
Since nobody knows who the hell these two are, I figured I'd make this post at least somewhat entertaining by putting up some old pictures of Heidi Montag in a bikini. And you can't see, but I'm also juggling chainsaws for you. And after that I'll be performing some magic. Be entertained!
Continue Reading "Heidi Montag and Lauren Conrad want to be famous"
Jun 6 2007Paris Hilton hates Sarah Silverman
Remember that video clip of Paris Hilton trying not to cry as Sarah Silverman made fun of her at the MTV Movie Awards? Well Paris was overheard backstage saying:
"She's a fucking bitch. I hate her."
Oh, my ears! My innocent ears! Who knew Paris was capable of such petty anger? Not me. I once saw a man murder her parents and then make fun of the way she was dressed. And you know what she did? You know what Paris did? She bought him lunch. Because that's just the kind of girl she is. A heart so warm it makes rainbows cry.
Jun 6 2007Jessica Simpson and John Mayer break up for good
Jessica Simpson and John Mayer have broken up again - this time, apparently, for good. A source close to Mayer says: "It has been rocky and it had been rocky, and it reached the end of the road. It is definitely over – the relationship has ended."
A source close to Simpson confirms: "They broke up Sunday night, but who knows what the future will hold. This is the twelfth time they've broken up. Their relationship is volatile. Last week they felt better than ever. This week, things are rocky. Who knows what the future will bring."
These guys are on and off again so often there's no point even talking about it. By the time I finish this sentence they'll already have gotten back together and broken up like seven more times. Which is slightly more than my relationship with Jessica Alba. Look, baby, it's over. The late night calls pleading for just one more night of ravaging are getting creepy. Have a little dignity.
Jun 6 2007Cuba Gooding Jr. saves lives
Cuba Gooding Jr. is being called a hero for saving a shooting victim's life last week. Cuba was waiting in front of a restaurant when a kid who was bleeding from the neck collapsed in front of him. Cuba cradled him in his arms and hailed down a police car. Gatecrasher reports:
[Cuba] was waiting in his car outside a Hollywood restaurant "when he heard four gunshots," says a source. "Cuba was picking up dinner for his family on the night of Memorial Day," says the spy. "He saw a young kid holding his head and walked toward him. The kid was bleeding from his neck and collapsed." Gooding cradled the victim, described as a man around 20 years old, and called into the restaurant for towels. "They came out with paper towels and he said, 'No, we need real towels!'" says the source. The actor stemmed the bleeding and hailed a passing police car. He waited on the scene until an ambulance arrived.
I guess that's pretty cool, but if he really wanted to be a hero he should've jumped in front of the bullet, in slow motion, while going "Yeeeeaaaaarrrrgggh!"
Jun 5 2007Christina Aguilera makes Jordan Bratman so happy
Christina Aguilera and Jordan Bratman were spotted in New York last night celebrating Bratman's 30th birthday with a Hawaiian themed party. And judging by his expression I'd say he had a blast. I've seen children who just found out they have cancer that look happier than this.
Jun 5 2007Jessica Alba buys clothes
Jessica Alba went on a shopping spree in Beverly Hills last week and ended up dropping over $4,300 on clothes in a single afternoon. TMZ reports:
During her shopping extravaganza, Alba hit up trendy Harmony Lane boutique twice and charged up ten dresses and five tops in size XS. Jess also picked up some Insititute Liberal shrugs and a bunch of Vita bracelets and J.Rae necklaces. Alba was looking for outfits for her upcoming summer travel with boyfriend Cash Warren.
Ironic, since the only outfit anybody cares about her wearing is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. My penis and I had a talk about this and we're in total agreement.
Jun 5 2007Salma Hayek is really fat
I haven't seen the ultrasound or anything, but I'm pretty sure Salma Hayek is giving birth to a full size adult cow. Or, I dunno, a steamboat.
Jun 5 2007Amanda Bynes is unrecognizable
Amanda Bynes was spotted leaving club Hyde over the weekend looking completely unrecognizable. If the pictures weren't labeled I wouldn't even know who this was. Although to be fair, I'm pretty bad with faces. Sometimes when I wake up in the morning and look in the mirror I get confused and think I'm looking at Brad Pitt. A lot of women seem to make that mistake too. Hmm, weird.
Jun 5 2007Kim Kardashian's ass conquers worlds
Holy Christ. I can appreciate a round posterior as much as the next person, but this is just out of control. She looks like she's got a pillow stuffed back there. And by pillow I mean eight pillows. And by eight pillows I mean an entire sofa bed. I wouldn't be surprised if some circus clowns started climbing out of there.
Jun 5 2007Vanessa Minnillo is out of control...I guess
Page Six has confirmed what I already confirmed, namely that the brunette posing with Lindsay Lohan in those knife pictures from yesterday are Vanessa Minnillo. Additionally, they report that Minnillo is extremely high maintenance and that her partying and diva-like behavior are giving her a bad rep in the TV industry. She had contracts with "TRL" and "Entertainment Tonight", but they expired in April and neither were renewed.
When producers flew her to Los Angeles to cover the Grammys, "she was extremely high maintenance," said one source. "She insisted they fly her own hair and makeup people and her personal assistant out with her every time she flew to L.A. She only flew first class and stayed at the Four Seasons, and then she didn't want to work. Vanessa wants to be a celebrity, not interview them ... She wouldn't conduct post-show interviews because she wanted to party. She expected to be paid a full-time salary for a part-time job."
Minnillo was also spotted at one of the fall fashion shows changing seats for 15 minutes until she was satisfied, and apparently she's known to yell at cocktail waitresses and cause scenes when she goes club hopping at night. Which is weird, because I'm known for causing scenes when I go club hopping at night too. They usually have to call in the fire marshal because, and I quote, I'm just "too hot to handle."
Jun 5 2007Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson split
People reports Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson have broken up. A source close to the couple says they split just before Memorial Day weekend but that "they're still friends." And in case you're wondering, yes, this is just about the most boring news ever. You know what news would've been shocking though? If Kate Hudson ate Owen Wilson. Like with a fork and knife. Because, you know, she doesn't seem the type. I'm just saying.
Jun 4 2007Akon throws a kid off stage
If you've ever wondered what Akon does at concerts besides molest 15-year-old girls, he also physically throws his fans off stage. Akon was performing at KFEST 2007 when a kid threw something at his face. Akon got mad and sent his bodyguards into the crowd to bring the kid on stage just so he could humiliate him by picking him up and throwing him back into the crowd. Which is just a totally appropriate response. If, you know, you're an 8-year-old. My third grade teacher asked us to write a report on American heroes once and I was going to do mine on George Washington, but decided to do it on Akon instead. I got an A++ because she said my hero was extra heroic.
Check out a few video clips of the incident after the jump.
Jun 4 2007Britney Spears flashes her thong...again
Britney Spears was spotted vacationing in Puerto Vallarta over the weekend and accidentally flashed her thong and beautifully shaped ass. Is perfection the word I'm looking for here? I think the word I'm looking for here is perfection. And those are just some ridiculously well done hair weaves. I mean, damn. That hair. That ass. All she needs to do is lose some teeth and she'll be the ultimate male fantasy. And maybe have a boob fall off.
Jun 4 2007Dina Lohan still the best mom ever
While her daughter Lindsay Lohan is off in rehab, mother of the year, Dina Lohan, is in talks with E! to get her own reality show called "Mom-ager" in which she'll "try to turn her youngest children, Ali, 14, and Cody, 11, into stars." An insider tells Page Six:
"Can you believe that? She totally messed up Lindsay by making her a 'star' and living vicariously through her - and now she's going to do the same to the other two? How the [bleep] can E! do this? Those kids should be in school having normal lives, the life that Lindsay didn't get to have."
Well this is just a really really great idea. I mean, sliced bread? That was pretty good, but this makes that look like cow poo. Look how great Lindsay Lohan turned out. Why do other mothers even try? They should just give up now and let Dina Lohan raise their children. Or, you know, a wild badger. They'd probably turn out the same.
Jun 4 2007Britney Spears wears thong bikinis
Britney Spears was spotted on a beach in Mexico showing off her figure in a thong bikini. And wow is it flattering. Assuming, of course, that flattering now means exactly the opposite of what it used to mean. How is she looking in a mirror and going, "Yeah, yeah, this is real good. This would look great in a thong." What should be happening is she should be looking in a mirror, then crying, then putting on a trash bag to wear as she drives to the beach sobbing.
Jun 4 2007Lindsay Lohan plays with knives
News of the World claims these photos were taken four months ago at a party right after Lindsay Lohan was released from rehab the first time. The photos show Lindsay holding a knife to a friend's throat, as well as putting it in her mouth and running it down her breast. They're pretty interesting, I guess, but nowhere near as shocking as the paper would have you believe. Although nobody in their right mind should let Lindsay Lohan near them with a knife. She drove her car up onto a curb and can barely walk in a straight line. She has the motor skills of a toddler. And she's so stupid she'd probably stab you anyway, laughing the whole time while yelling, "I'm pranking you! I'm pranking you so good!"
NOTE: Turns out the super hot friend is Vanessa Minnillo.
Jun 4 2007Paris Hilton gets pwned by Sarah Silverman
If you watched the MTV Movie Awards last night you probably would've seen this clip, of host Sarah Silverman tearing into Paris Hilton as the cameras are fixed on Paris' face. It's basically one whole minute of Paris Hilton trying not to cry as everybody in the room cheers her being sent to prison. The only way she could've gotten any more pwned is if a giant penis fell from the sky and crushed her. And then in her final moments, trying to claw her way out, she accidentally admitted she was a dude.
Check out the video clip after the jump.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton gets pwned by Sarah Silverman"
Jun 4 2007Paris Hilton officially in jail
Paris Hilton reported to the Century Regional Detention Facility in Lynwood Sunday night at 11:38 PM to serve her 23 days for violating probation. In a statement released by her lawyer she says:
"I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation. During the past few weeks I have had a lot of time to think and have come to realize I made some mistakes. This is an important point in my life and I need to take responsibility for my actions. In the future, I plan on taking more of an active role in the decisions I make. I want to thank my family, friends and fans for their continued support. Although I am scared, I am ready to begin my jail sentence."
The procedure at the Lynwood jail required her to surrender all her possessions and then be strip searched before being issued a uniform. And all that cell mate stuff was bullshit, because apparently she's getting a cell by herself and "will be segregated, in a special housing unit, from the general population during her stay at CRDF to ensure her safety as well as the safety of the jail staff." People reports:
Hilton will spend approximately 23 hours a day in a 12-by-8-foot cell containing two bunks, a table, a sink, a toilet and a small window, with one hour for recreation. She will eat her meals in the cell. She could also leave her cell to meet with her attorney or to attend classes.
So basically she's in a cell which she can either stay in or leave, she doesn't have to interact with any inmates, and she gets one hour of recreation a day. Is this even considered prison anymore? They could send her to space camp and it'd be a harsher punishment.
