May 25 2007Lindsay Lohan working on new album
Lindsay Lohan says she's collaborating with the CEO of Maverick Records, Guy Oseary, and is going to start work on a new album which will have an "urban pop" sound. She tells MTV News, "We'll start in probably June or July and take four months."
The only song I know from her first album was her single, and judging by that I'd say it'd be pretty hard for this new one to be any worse. The entire album could be her coughing and banging on bongos and it'd still be an improvement. Although I pray to God they let her write one of her own songs. Because, you know, she's really talented and I'm sure it'd be really good. What did you think I was going to say? You're mean.
And here's Lindsay Lohan at Hyde with her bra just completely hanging out.
May 25 2007Angelina Jolie turned Brad Pitt into a nerd
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were spotted on the red carpet of the Ocean's 13 premiere at the Cannes Film Festival Thursday. Angelina looked like her usual self, but Brad showed up looking like that kid in elementary school I used to take lunch money from and give wedgies. Although to be fair, I basically did that to every single person at my school, including the teachers and principal. Being 6'2" at the age of 12 and having tree trunks for arms sort of helped. Drink your milk, kids.
May 25 2007Britney Spears wears bikinis, doesn't shave armpits
Britney Spears was spotted in her bikini on a yacht at Marina del Rey yesterday. Which would've produced boners seven years ago, but now sounds like some sort of threat. And it's hard to tell for sure, but judging from these three pictures it looks like she forgot to shave her armpits. 'Forgot' implying that she usually does. Who knows these days. She could grow a beard and a mustache and it would actually make sense to me.
A ton more of Britney Spears in her bikini at Marina del Rey after the jump.
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May 25 2007Jordin Sparks angers National Action Against Obesity
Fox News brought in the most batshit crazy woman in the world to call the American Idol winner Jordan Sparks obese. I'm all for making fun of people but this bitch is out of he mind. I defy you to sit through this without wanting to punch the woman in the throat. I also defy you to stare into my eyes without getting lost in a sea of beauty and mystery. It's been scientifically proven to be impossible.
May 25 2007Jessica Simpson gets deep
In a message to her fans on her personal site, Jessica Simpson says she was inspired by Michelangelo and is on a path of self discovery. She writes:
Hey everyone. I hope you are all doing well! I am getting ready to start MAJOR MOVIE STAR and I am so excited! I just got back from spending some time in Europe, and while I was there I visited many museums, and have been reading about different artists. I have also been writing a lot in my journal recently. I was reading a book about Michelangelo and there were 2 quotes that caught my attention -"I saw the angel in the marble and carved until I set him free." Michelangelo
^(3)Each time we face our fear, we gain strength, courage, and confidence in the doing.^(2)
These quotes inspired me to write the below passage. I hope you can find your own individual meaning in it, as I keep coming back to it and find new strength.
"Sometimes we are all so afraid to be honest with ourselves because we know that honesty will lead us somewhere off the path of the life we've mapped out in our minds. Today, I challenge us to ask ourselves this...
What if we allow our fear to provoke us into action?
Can facing our fear be what walks us to somewhere better?
I do not have your answers, but in the quest to find my own, I've discovered somewhere worth traveling to...
In my life, I ignore my fears too often, but then I'm left with nothing to challenge the best of me. I just remain cowering from my true identity. There is no discovery."
No, that's not a mistake, she actually quoted herself. And it's not like there's anything wrong with what she wrote, but you'd have to be an idiot to seek advice from Jessica Simpson. If you're looking for imaginary boobs to squeeze, Jessica Simpson's your woman. But if you're looking for life lessons, you'd be better off listening to your pet turtle.
May 25 2007Britney Spears and Ryan Phillippe make out in bathrooms
The National Enquirer is claiming that Britney Spears and Ryan Phillippe hooked up in a bathroom at Les Deux last week. A source told the magazine that Ryan stopped by Britney's table and "Britney had her arms around him." She then allegedly followed Phillippe into the men's room and, after getting worried, her bodyguards are said to have "busted in the door and found Britney and Ryan groping and kissing."
I want to believe this is true, but I have serious problems believing Ryan Phillippe would make out with Britney Spears. Housetraining maybe, but not making out. It's not like he's getting Reese Witherspoon quality women anymore, but he's still a few steps above farm animal.
May 25 2007Paris Hilton turns to Buddha
Because the power of Jesus might not be enough to save her, Paris Hilton was spotted at the Buddhist bookstore, Bodhi Tree, in Hollywood. Her lawyers have apparently told her to "live like a nun" if she has any chance of evading jail so she's taken this to mean getting photographed with as many religious books as possible. She's also allegedly told friends she's quitting alcohol and partying and has even replaced her skimpy outfits with a new "demure" look.
Why not go all the way and just put on a fake beard and white robe? Carrying around religious books is pretty good, but nothing beats actually turning into God.
May 24 2007Britney Spears has deflated boobs
Britney Spears was spotted in Hollywood once again at Millennium Dance Studios. And maybe I've just forgotten what breasts are supposed to look like, but those things don't look right at all. She looks like she got breast implants, only the doctor called in sick and they sent in a chimpanzee to perform the surgery instead.
May 24 2007Alicia Silverstone snubs Elisabeth Hasselbeck
Watch the top video. Watch the bottom video. Laugh. Or if you don't think you can handle the screeching just skip straight to the bottom video.
May 24 2007Lindsay Lohan is shy
Lindsay Lohan was spotted at a gas station at 4:30am uncharacteristically hiding from the paparazzi and very characteristically not wearing a bra. Although moments later when she got into her car she forgot what she was pretending to do and started posing again. She's like a child. If she saw an ice cream truck while driving she'd probably jump out of her car to chase after it while shouting, "Gimme gimme!"
May 24 2007Jessica Simpson and John Mayer back on
Jessica Simpson and John Mayer are unofficially officially back on. Mayer was spotted at the SoHo Grand hotel sneaking into Jessica's room around 2am Tuesday, and the two checked out together at noon.
Don't read too much into it though. If I was in a relationship for every midnight sex romp I've had I'd have like, what, zero? No wait, I mean a lot. Like a million. Oh yeah, I do it all the time. I'm very popular.
May 24 2007Victoria Beckham wants attention
Victoria Beckham is super huge in Britain, but she's barely made a blip in the United States and has turned to tipping off paparazzi and staging events for attention.
She staged a bizarre publicity visit Monday to the Pleasure Chest sex shop in West Hollywood, accompanied by a blowup doll dressed like her as a "decoy." How cheeky! The paparazzi were tipped off and waiting.
How sad. When I was desperate for attention as a kid I just drew on the walls with crayon. Maybe she should try that. Or sleep with the star quarterback. That works pretty well in movies too. I'm just full of useful advice!
And here's Victoria Beckham getting conveniently stopped by the police Tuesday with her entire film crew and 100 million bystanders.
May 24 2007Nicole Richie explains male erogenous zones
Ever wondered what sex with Nicole Richie might be like? Probably not, but here's her explaining the male erogenous zones on the upcoming season of The Simple Life anyway. If you're curious how she manages to get guys, apparently it's because she's pretty enthusiastic about licking assholes. And all this time I thought guys were going out with her for her brain.
May 24 2007George Clooney auctions off kiss for $350,000
George Clooney made an appearance at the annual Cinema Against AIDS dinner (which raised $7 million for the Foundation for AIDS Research), and auctioned off a kiss for $350,000 which he gave to the winning bidder's girlfriend. That's a pretty secure guy right there. Most men wouldn't accept $350,000 to let their girlfriend kiss George Clooney, let alone pay it. I read somewhere that he can have sex with women just by looking at them for too long.
May 23 2007Britney Spears goes braless
What's that you say? You want more Britney Spears? Yeah, I think I might be able to help you out with that. Britney Spears was spotted in Miami without her bra on, and even took the liberty of changing in pubilc. And normally I'm a big supporter of going braless, but not when your breasts look like this. I'm not even sure if these are considered breasts anymore. They're more like squarish, uh, lumps. If you were having sex with her you'd just kind of poke them. The way you'd poke a dead bird to see if it was still alive.
May 23 2007Britney Spears loses support of gays
Britney Spears did an impromptu lip-sync/dance performance at Mansion Saturday night and the crowd, full of "trannies and gay guys," didn't appreciate it much, instead criticizing her hair extensions and the way she was dressed. Page Six reports:
The crowd, full of "trannies and gay guys," according to our spy, sneered at "those hideous white go-go boots and ratty extensions." One particularly unimpressed audience member: Madonna's brother Christopher Ciccone, who told our source, "My sister would never go onstage looking like that."
Here are shots of Britney's performance at Mansion, and they basically look exactly like all her other performances. Man, look at those thighs. It's like she spends her free time squatting trucks. And somebody should let her know posing like this is only sexy if you don't have the body of an NFL linebacker.
A ton more of Britney's performance at Mansion after the jump.
May 23 2007Sharon Stone gets her bikini on
Sharon Stone was spotted hanging out on a yacht in her bikini at Cannes. Although I can't decide if she's hot or not. Most of these pictures are like, "Hey, she looks pretty good for a 90-year-old," but then this one appears and it's like an arm reaches out of your monitor and starts stabbing you in the eye with a pencil.
A bunch more of Sharon Stone in her bikini after the jump.
May 23 2007Karolina Kurkova has cellulite
Czech supermodel and Victoria's Secret Angel Karolina Kurkova was spotted at a photoshoot in New York City sporting super small shorts and some cellulite. Which doesn't make any sense, because I've seen pictures of her in magazines and she definitely doesn't have any cellulite. She also enjoys lounging around in lingerie and hanging out topless with her friends. I would know, I've seen the pictures. So what is this, like special effects or something?
May 23 2007Lindsay Lohan is worst recovering alcoholic ever
Lindsay Lohan, who recently left rehab and is a member of Alcoholics Anonymous, has gotten Svedka vodka to sponsor her 21st birthday party in Las Vegas. The deal could allegedly earn Lindsay up to seven figures. Lohan's lawyer confirmed the vodka deal, saying:
"This should be one of the best parties ever."
Everything about this just sounds like a good idea. Maybe after the party she can rub herself down with steak and play with some tigers. I mean, as long as we're sticking with good ideas here.
May 23 2007Lindsay Lohan kicked out of hotels
Lindsay Lohan allegedly made such a scene at the Soho Grand she was asked to leave the hotel. Calum Best checked into the hotel with another woman and, shortly after, Lindsay checked in with another guy to try and make him jealous. She then went out partying until 1:30am and when she got back she collapsed in the lobby and had to be carried back to her room by the hotel manager. A source says:
“She was writhing on the floor and everyone could see that she wasn’t wearing any panties,” an insider told the tab.
Lohan then repeatedly telephoned Best’s room, and at one point went to his door and banged on it. When he answered the door though, Lindsay peeked inside and saw the other woman in there.
“She went cuckoo,” a source told the tab. “She yelled at him, slammed the door and banged on it some more.” Lohan was reportedly escorted back to her room, but after various other escapades, at 5:30 a.m. she was asked to leave the hotel — and checked out at 6:30 a.m.
I was asked to leave a hotel once, but only because my body kept setting off the fire alarms. Sometimes I can't help but wonder if being born this hot was a curse. But then I look in the mirror and laugh hysterically, because hey, c'mon, seriously? I don't think so.
May 23 2007Nicole Richie probably not back in rehab
The National Enquirer and Star magazine both reported that Nicole Richie re-entered the Beau Monde rehab facility on May 11 to fight anorexia and a painkiller addiction, allegedly "in tears" and claiming to have "lost control of her life." They also reported she went back in just a few days ago on the 19th. However, her rep is denying the story, telling Us:
"She is not in rehab. She is at home in Glendale. Sobriety is an ongoing process but she is sober."
This just goes to show you can't believe everything you read. Unless it's about me beating up terrorists with my bare hands or breaking the world record for having the firmest ass. Because those are true. Some might even say too true.
May 23 2007John Mayer does standup
This is a video of John Mayer doing some standup at the Comedy Cellar over the weekend. Although I can't figure out if it's supposed to be funny. Judging by the audience reaction I'd say maybe, but judging by the words coming out of his mouth I'd say no. I've heard funnier material listening to terminally ill patients talk about their dead pets.
May 22 2007Paris Hilton forgets bra, finds Jebus
Paris Hilton was spotted in LA conveniently carrying around in front of paparazzi a self-help book called The Power Of Now and - wait for it - The Holy Bible. Did I mention she also forgot her bra? I dunno if that's relevant, but she also forgot her bra. I can't believe this is the best tactic clowns like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan can come up with to change their public image. Actually, no, wait, yes I can believe it. What I can't believe is that they manage to make it through the day without the aid of a bicycle helmet.
May 22 2007Britney Spears strips in public
Britney Spears was spotted going out in Miami, Florida dressed like this. Which looks like a normal dress that's been cut straight down the middle. And because this is Britney, that wasn't enough so later the same evening she stripped down and went swimming. How are Britney's friends still letting her dress herself? You'd think one of them would've stepped in by now and just slapped her. Or assumed her identity and killed her to take over her enormous fortune. You know, regular girl stuff.
May 22 2007Eva Longoria and Mario Lopez dance together
Eva Longoria was spotted at a Hollywood dance studio with what appears to be AC Slater. At least that's what whoever took these photos wants you to believe. I can't actually confirm if it's them though, since these photos are blurry and I don't really know what either of them looks like. I can, however, confirm that if you put me within arm's reach of a guitar, I will literally rock your face off. Like your face will actually come off. From all the rocking I'll be doing.
May 22 2007Demi Moore wants to have another kid
44-year-old Demi Moore says she'd like to have a son with her 28-year-old husband Ashton Kutcher to balance out her three daughters. When asked if she and Ashton might try for a boy she replied:
“I wouldn’t mind,” Demi reveals. “I wouldn’t mind a little balance, you know balancing out that estrogen.”
Really? Kids? With Ashton Kutcher? I'm not saying that's a bad idea, but a pet raccoon would probably be a more responsible parent.
May 22 2007Paula Abdul breaks her nose
Paula Abdul reportedly broke her nose on Saturday when she tripped while trying to avoid stepping on her Chihuahua Tulip. Her rep says:
"She went to the doctor and she did break her nose, but she's moving on and doing great" Brokaw says. "She looks terrific. If you didn't know she broke her nose, you'd never guess anything happened to her. She is in pain. No question about that. But she's standing 10 feet from me and you'd never know anything happened to her. There are no bandages. She's got some bruises on her arms and on one of her legs."
Who the hell breaks their nose trying to avoid stepping on a Chihuahua? It's not like her floor was covered with banana peels or she was wearing roller skates at the time. Although I guess this is Paula Abdul we're talking about. It's amazing she was sober enough to even be standing.
May 21 2007Lindsay Lohan still an alcoholic
Lindsay Lohan partied at Anchor Bar with two friends the other night and was spotted "drinking vodka straight from the bottle." Which, in case you didn't know, is exactly what's recommended after leaving rehab. As is getting lip injections and looking like some sort of cartoon clown prostitute. I'm pretty sure she put her lipstick on with a mop.
May 21 2007Eva Longoria cures cancer
Eva Longoria was one of many celebrities at the "Spike for Hope" celebrity charity volleyball tournament over the weekend to help kids with cancer. Because for some reason, celebrities doing this is helpful. I mean, duh, look at them. Sure, I've devoted my life to researching and battling cancer and spend all my free time at the children's oncology ward interacting with patients, but these are the real heroes here. They played volleyball.
May 21 2007Pamela Anderson in her bikini again
Pamela Anderson had a photoshoot at Cannes which, of course, featured her in a bikini. I'm not even sure it's technically possible to take a photo of her fully clothed. I tried once at church, but when I uploaded the pictures to my computer she was completely naked and taking a bath. And it wasn't even Pamela Anderson anymore. It was my hot neighbor who likes to take baths with her window open. Weird, huh?
May 21 2007Britney Spears causes mayhem
Britney Spears allegedly stormed off a plane minutes before take-off because it didn't have leather seats, causing a one hour delay to her flight from Los Angeles to Florida. A fellow passenger tells the News of the World:
"It was quite astonishing. The doors had been closed for about ten minutes, everyone was strapped in and the plane was about to taxi to the runway when Britney got up and said she had to get off. She just said 'I don't want to fly on this plane. It hasn't got leather seats.' I heard everything but most people were left wondering what was going on, so the captain was forced to make an apology to all the other passengers over the tannoy. It was quite a fiasco but she didn't seem to care about anything except getting off that plane. All the passengers were furious."
I have no idea if this story is true, but I'm going to assume it is because it sounds like something Britney Spears would do. Although brushing her teeth with the TV remote also sounds like something she would do. Hell, anything a person with an IQ under 6 would do sounds like something Britney Spears would do.
And here's Britney Spears shopping in Miami, Florida, wearing a top that's almost too dignified. I suspect she stole it from the Queen of England.
May 21 2007Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie make up
This is the painfully fake make-up scene between Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie for the upcoming season of The Simple Life. Everybody knows reality shows are fake, but this is just insulting. They could morph into giant robots and start battling monsters and it'd be more believable.