May 18 2007Britney Spears forgets her makeup
Britney Spears was spotted leaving Millennium Dance Studio without her makeup on and, uh, well, Jesus. I mean, really, oh my God. What is this? Natural beauty only works if you're naturally beautiful. And this is not that. I'd suggest makeup but we've already seen how poorly that works. Might I suggest a face transplant? My friend got one the other day and she looks great. And yeah, maybe she's dead now, but that's the price you have to pay for beauty. Well that and $5,000. To me. For the operation. I'm a surgeon!
May 18 2007Pamela Anderson gets booed
Pamela Anderson got booed at the Cannes Film Festival today when she showed up late for a photo session and only stuck around for a few minutes. Which is lame, better there's so many better things to be booing. Like war. Or terrorism. Or your kid's piano recital. God, Timmy, did you even practice? Looks like somebody's sleeping in the cage again.
May 18 2007Jessica Simpson gets dumped
Jessica Simpson and John Mayer have broken up after Mayer reportedly dumped her last weekend. Additionally, sources are claiming Jessica Simpson has turned her back on Operation Smile when she didn't attend their benefit the other night.
"She's turned her back on them," the spy said. "She got a lot of good publicity from the charity but refused to let pictures of her be in the commemorative book and hasn't done anything with them in a year."
I don't care about either of these stories, I just wanted to post this picture of Jessica Simpson at Cannes with her super lopsided breasts. If it were anybody except John Mayer I'd understand why he dumped her. Except it is John Mayer. So I don't. When you look the way he does, you should be thankful if you manage to get a date with a store mannequin. Or a telephone book with a mouth drawn on in lipstick.
May 18 2007Mischa Barton nipple slip at Boujis
Mischa Barton was spotted leaving Boujis nightclub with her breast completely hanging out. I mean really just completely out there. She probably could've made a better fitting top out of toilet paper and some tape. Which, ironically, is what I used to make this suit I'm wearing. The fellows at this afternoon's important business meeting are going to be impressed today!
The first few are NSFW so click with caution.
May 18 2007Lindsay Lohan not going to jail
A woman claims Lindsay Lohan stole over $10,000 worth of clothes and accessories after visiting the woman's apartment while she was away for a few days. Unfortunately, Lindsay won't face felony grand theft charges because Los Angeles prosecutors can't prove the case, with the rejection notice saying a house sitter had invited Lohan over and told authorities that she had given Lohan some clothing.
However, a plaid shirt that Lohan supposedly was wearing didn't match photos of a shirt that the alleged victim said was missing. "The bottom line is that Lohan can't be shown to have been seen either taking or to have been later in possession of missing items and items she can be shown to have possessed were with (the housesitter's) permission," Deputy District Attorney Greg Somes wrote in the rejection notice.
So basically the house sitter invited Lindsay Lohan over and gave all the owner's clothes away to her. This is the worst house sitter in the history of house sitters. My last house sitter blew up my home after hosting a KKK meeting and I'd still rather use them again over this woman.
May 18 2007Anne Heche's divorce turns nasty
Anne Heche's divorce has gotten nasty after her estranged husband called her a poor parent with "bizarre and delusional behavior," and requested $33,000 a month in support and primary custody of their 5-year-old son.
Heche, 37, countered by releasing a statement saying Laffoon has "resorted to lies with the court because Anne would not cave in to his astronomical money demands" – including what Heche said was actually $45,000 in monthly support. "For the past several years, the child's father has refused to get a job in order to contribute financially to the child's care," says the statement.
In her autobiography, Call Me Crazy, Anne says she was mentally ill the first 31 years of her life after being sexually abused by her dad, claiming she had an alter ego that was the daughter of God and half-sibling of Jesus named "Celestia" who had contacts with extraterrestrial life forms. No, seriously. Anne Heche is 100% out of her mind. Her ex-husband could be a baby-eating bear and he should still get custody of their kid.
May 18 2007John Stamos has the weirdest belly button ever
John Stamos may or may not be a demon. Judging by his belly button I'm going with may.
May 17 2007Lindsay Lohan at the Maxim 2007 Hot 100 party
When somebody accidentally puts you number one on their list of hottest women, it's only fair you show up to their party dressed like this to let them know what a horrible mistake they've made. Yeah, okay, it's not like Lindsay Lohan is deformed, but there's no way she should be number one on anybody's list of hottest women. The only list she should ever top is Most Likely To Misspell Cat.
May 17 2007Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best fight it out
Lindsay Lohan and Calum Best got into a huge fight at the Soho Grand Monday night after Lindsay accused him of cheating on her. The two started screaming at each other in the penthouse and then somehow ended up in the lobby. A source says:
"Calum's clothes were torn, and after a few minutes, they got back into the elevator and went back to their room," said one onlooker. Lohan seemed unfazed by reports of her British beau canoodling with another girl in the islands Friday night - but Best's raunchy behavior at Cipriani Downtown on Sunday might have sent her over the edge. Our spies saw Best "collecting numbers from all the models" every time Lohan's back was turned.
Additionally, last week a room-service staffer claims he saw Calum in bed with another girl when he was asked to restock their minibar around 4 am.
According to our source, Best had his shirt off and the girl was on the bed when the urgent delivery of little booze bottles arrived. Best is said to have invited the room-service guy to grab a tip from a pile of cash, saying: "It's Lindsay's money. I don't care."
This guy sounds great. Another winner for Lindsay. Seriously though, how does she end up with these guys? The only way she could be any more self destructive in her relationships is if she started dating land mines.
May 17 2007Paris Hilton gets off easy
Paris Hilton's jail sentence has been cut in half from 45 days to 23 due to "good behavior." Additionally, they'll be giving her her own special needs housing unit separated from the other prisoners.
"This was decided because of her high profile," Whitmore told Reuters. "She will do fine if she follows the rules."
I'm not going to argue with the special needs housing unit, because, well, that sounds about right, but what is this good behavior they're talking about? The only thing she's done so far is show up late to her court hearing. Oh, she didn't murder anybody? That's another 23 days off. At this rate they'll end up sending her on a Hawaii vacation and apologizing.
May 17 2007Britney Spears wears see-through shirts
Britney Spears was spotted at Dominic restaurant wearing a leopard print bra under a very see-through shirt. It's not like anybody's expecting her to show up in her Sunday best, but Jesus. I know prostitutes with better fashion sense than this. And, well, let's be honest, probably less sexual experience.
May 17 2007Jenna Fischer has a broken back
Jenna Fischer (Pam from The Office) fractured four bones in her back Monday night after slipping on the marble steps at Buddakan.
A friend said she spent the night in St. Vincent's hospital and had to cancel an appearance on "Late Night with Conan O'Brien" and a Harper's Bazaar shoot. Fischer's rep, Lewis Kay, said yesterday she's "doing much better and is resting at her hotel. Her husband [director James Gunn] flew in to be with her."
She's lucky she's not paralyzed. And how did she fracture four bones from slipping? Is she made out of glass? I got hit by a truck once while napping in the street and all I suffered was a headache. Although the truck exploded on impact and I think the driver died. Maybe all the ladies are right. Maybe I am too manly.
May 17 2007Britney Spears sends a message to fans
Britney Spears has posted a message to her fans on her official site, saying:
The reason for this letter is to let everyone know that their prayers have truly helped me. I am so blessed that you care enough about me to be concerned and will continue to live in this brighter state with all of you by my side during this trying time. We are all lights of the world and we all need to continuously inspire others and look to the higher power. You are all in my prayers.Godspeed.
Love, Britney
What the hell is she talking about here? And who is she addressing? I'm surprised she didn't thank all the unicorns and invite everybody to the party she's throwing on the moon.
NOTE: I travel at no speed but ludicrous speed.
May 16 2007Jodie Marsh has great ideas for shirts
Jodie Marsh attended the photocall for her MTV reality show "Totally Jodie Marsh: Who'll Take Her Up The Aisle" in which she looks for a husband in a nationwide casting call in the UK. And really, who wouldn't want to marry this? The class. The dignity. The great fashion sense. But most of all the class. It'd be like marrying the Monopoly man, only much much classier.
May 16 2007Kim Kardashian looks different
Kim Kardashian showed up to the Sons of Hollywood party looking completely different than we're used to seeing her: not covered in pee! Just kidding (but really not). I don't know if it's the red lipstick or what, but her face is almost unrecognizable. Like that punk I beat up the other day for hitting on my woman. He claims he was just asking the time, but I know the truth. I saw the way he tapped his wrist and inquisitively asked, "Do you have the time?" I would've been an ass not to beat him up.
May 16 2007Bruce Willis likes them young
52-year-old Bruce Willis is reportedly dating 23-year-old Playmate Tamara Witmer, who's only five years older than his daughter Rumer. Tamara says:
"He's got the sexiest voice!" she says. "He's so smooth and suave. I don't mind the bald head. He's really good looking in person."
As long as she's cool with it then so am I. If you can show me a 52-year-old that would turn this down I'll show you a 52-year-old that's a homosexual. Or maybe lost his penis in a war. Or dead. Heck, I'll show you a dead 52-year-old anyway. Buried under my house! Hyuk hyuk.
A few more shots of Tamara Witmer after the jump.
May 16 2007Britney Spears is mean to her mom
Britney Spears is allegedly so mad at her mom for urging her into rehab she's cut off all communication with her and even refused to visit her in the hospital on Mother's Day.
“Britney has cut off all communication with her mom,” a “friend” of the 25-year-old singer told the National Enquirer. “She’s gone from calling Lynne ten times a day to flat-out refusing to speak to her.” Lynne, 52, was hospitalized in southern California recently when a bout of the flu turned into pneumonia. The Star is reporting a similar story. “Britney says her mom betrayed her and she refuses to get over it,” the source told the Enquirer. “When she was told to give her mom a call, Britney said: ‘I’m busy, I have my own kids now.’ ”
Britney Spears has always had really good judgement and makes great decisions, so I'm sure this was for the best. As was me finding that giant treasure chest full of gold. At first I wasn't so sure, but then I bought myself a space shuttle and decided , hey, maybe having a giant treasure chest full of gold isn't so bad.
And here's Britney at Millennium Dance Studio again, this time sporting ripped fishnets and a gigantic ass.
May 16 2007Charlize Theron is kind of stupid
Charlize Theron was spotted "catwalking" in front of a restaurant for almost five minutes as bystanders looked on in confusion.
Spies outside downtown eatery La Esquina saw the star "putting on a show . . . catwalking in front of the restaurant." One bystander asked, "What's wrong with her?" Another told Page Six, "She was doing that walk for almost five minutes."
Why do the pretty ones always have to be so stupid? She seems adorable enough, but what the hell is this? I'm surprised nobody stopped her and asked if she needed help finding her way home, making sure to speak extra slowly so she could understand. And, uh, here she is trying to make out with a pirate.
For British eyes only!
May 16 2007Jessica Alba poses in GQ
Jessica Alba has a nice little photoshoot with GQ which you can check out here. Although you have to hand it to them for managing to take somebody as hot as Jessica Alba and making her look like a stroke victim. Is uncontrollable drooling supposed to be sexy? Because if it is, I've got a grandmother that would knock their socks off.
May 16 2007Lindsay Lohan tops Maxim's Hot 100
For some reason Lindsay Lohan has topped Maxim's 2007 Hot 100 List. And by topped I mean topped. As in number one. I don't know what the fuck is going on over at Maxim but I suspect their editors have all been replaced by 12-year-old girls. Or the mentally challenged. Or the blind. Wherever you are right now I bet you could point to three people hotter than Lindsay Lohan. Hell, you could point to the fax machine on your desk and you'd still be correct.
May 16 2007Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson kiss it up
Ryan Reynolds and Scarlett Johansson were spotted in Hollywood Monday night catching the Damnwells' show at the Troubadour. They arrived separately and greeted each other with a hug and a kiss on the lips.
"In the foyer they were talking and had their hands all over each other," says the source. "He kissed her a couple more times in the club. He was totally sweet. She went to the restroom and he went to check up on her."
Ryan Reynolds used to be engaged to Alanis Morissette, so to go from that to Scarlett Johansson is like trading in a Kia for a Ferrari. I'm surprised his penis didn't explode the first time he met her. I'm also surprised at how much I can bench press. 800 pounds! That's a lot, right?
May 16 2007Lindsay Lohan getting sued
Lindsay Lohan and her mom are being sued by a freelance photographer who claims Lindsay hit him with her mom's car back in March. The photographer is claiming he "sustained severe and permanent personal injuries" including injuries to both knees for which he was "still getting medical treatment." The photographer's lawyer says he's seeking unspecified monetary damages "for his pain and suffering and his lost wages."
If you remember the incident, Lindsay sort of bumps him with her car and then he drops to the ground and starts flailing around. Now I'm not calling him a liar, but he's lying. And he's a liar. I want Lindsay to go down as much as everybody else, but not for this. If anything, the guy should be thanking her for giving him a car massage.
May 15 2007Christina Aguilera still whorish
Christina Aguilera was spotted at Teddy's last Friday with her makeup done up about as whorish as she's ever done it. And for some reason she looks nothing like Christina Aguilera. I've got a roast turkey in my fridge that looks more like Christina Aguilera than this.
May 15 2007Denise Richards and Richie Sambora split
A rep for Denise Richards confirms that Denise and Richie Sambora have ended their year-long relationship which, if you recall, took place among rumors that Sambora cheated on Heather Locklear, that Richards betrayed her friend, and that Charlie Sheen abused Richards.
“They broke up two months ago, back in March, but they have remained close friends." When asked what caused the breakup, the rep answered: "Timing."
They split up two months ago? And not a single person cared enough to cover it? Wow, these two are really riding the popularity train. If their stardom gets any bigger it might consume our galaxy.
May 15 2007Petra Nemcova has horrible taste in men
Petra Nemcova, who recently broke up with James Blunt, rebounded with Paris Hilton's ex Stavros Niarchos. The two were spotted making out at Bungalow 8 recently as they partied with Stavros' friend Brandon Davis.
"She was grinding him," our witness said. "It was pretty gross. I mean, he used to sleep with Paris. Eww."
I didn't think it was possible, but this chick has worse taste in men than Pamela Anderson. Stavros Niarchos? Jesus, he used to bang Paris Hilton. Petra would be better off dating a syringe filled with syphilis.
May 15 2007Britney Spears doesn't need pants
Britney Spears attended a party at club Teddy's in Los Angeles on Saturday and spent the night in her underwear. She was in the back corner with her friends and her two bodyguards had blocked off the area. According to a witness:
"They were jumping around on the couches. And Britney was in her underwear." A waiter went to bus the table and was told, "No boys ... no boys ... you have to leave." When a waitress asked if she wanted a drink, Britney said, "No, I'm just having Red Bull." But, reports an eyewitness, while her friends did the ordering for, ostensibly, what they wanted to drink, it was Britney doing the drinking. Claims one on the scene: "Britney took shots throughout the night."
I'm a fan of being pantless too, but at least I've got the decency to keep it in my own home. And what's sad is this isn't even surprising. The only thing people expect from Britney Spears these days is that she have a face. She could be spotted at a club eating a live baby and it wouldn't even make the news.
And here she is at Millennium Dance Studio doing some sort of monkey impression.
May 15 2007Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey hit the pool
Vanessa Minnillo and Nick Lachey spent their weekend at the opening of the Cove Atlantis Hotel in the Bahamas. And it's not like he was attractive to begin with, but what the hell is happening to Nick Lachey? He looks like he's turning into the Pillsbury Doughboy. All I want to do is poke him in the stomach and see if he lightly grabs it and giggles. Well that's not all I want to do. I also want to give birth to a cow, so that when anybody ever says "Don't have a cow, man" I can reply, "Too late, bro. Too late."
May 15 2007Logging in and commenting problems
Looks like a huge number of people are having difficulty logging in and commenting. We're not entirely sure what the problem is yet but hopefully we'll get it fixed soon. Although you'd be surprised at how uneffective hitting your computer with a wrench can be. Actually no, you wouldn't.
UPDATE: We've removed TypeKey for now so you can leave comments without having to log in first.
May 15 2007Pamela Anderson nipple slip while dancing
Pamela Anderson's nipple tried to sneak out while she was partying at the Palms Hotel and Casino over the weekend. Which would probably be more exciting if she wasn't an ex-Playboy model. Plus it's hard to get in the mood when there's a short bald dude in the picture. I don't want to criticize her taste in men, but she could start dating a mop and it'd be the best guy she's ever gotten.
May 15 2007Cameron Diaz and Criss Angel maybe dating
Cameron Diaz and magician Criss Angel were spotted together in Las Vegas last night, getting dinner at the Bellagio's Prime steakhouse and then catching a Cirque du Soleil show. A witness says:
"They were snuggling with each other and he was making her laugh. They seemed really happy."
I bet at some point during the night Criss Angel took off his top hat and pulled a bunny out of it. Man, those magicians have all the moves. Sure, I'm super good looking and charming, but how do I compete with pulling a super long handkerchief out of your pocket?
May 15 2007Paris Hilton is psychologically unsound
Paris Hilton's psychiatrist says she's "distraught and traumatized" and "fears incarceration" over her 45-day jail sentence, and is using that to get Paris out of testifying in a $10 million slander and libel suit against her by actress Zeta Graff. .
Hilton is facing an order to testify in the civil trial beginning May 21, but the psychiatrist argues that "given (Hilton's) current psychological, and emotional state ... (she's) not capable of any meaningful participation in a trial."
Can you imagine being Paris Hilton's psychiatrist? It doesn't even matter what Paris says, the psychiatrist would just spend the whole time nodding along going "Mmm hmm, mmm hmm" while scribbling "insane" in their notebook and underlining it. If I was a psychiatrist (which I am) I'd rather have a psychiatrist-eating bear as a patient than have to listen to Paris talk about her problems all day.
May 14 2007Jessica Alba bikini butt
Pacific Coast NewsJessica Alba had a photoshoot in Malibu last Friday and was spotted on the beach in a bikini and wet t-shirt. Which automatically makes this the best photoshoot ever. Well, except for any other photoshoot featuring me. Poets have died trying to describe my eyes.
May 14 2007Jessica Simpson looks like a whore
Jessica Simpson was spotted at Pure nightclub in Vegas looking like a blow up sex doll. And not some nice expensive one from an upscale boutique. I'm talking one you'd find in the alley behind a porno theater.
May 14 2007Lindsay Lohan beach nipple slip
You'd think Lindsay Lohan would've spent her weekend at the library reading to underpriveleged children, but you'd be wrong. Instead, she spent it in the Bahamas making out with her new boy toy Callum Best, hanging out in her bikini, and showing off her nipples. Shocking shocking stuff, I know. I mean, it's just so uncharacteristic of her.
A super ton more of Lindsay Lohan in her bikini at the Bahamas after the jump. Her nipple is popping out of her bikini top in the first four so they're probably NSFW.
May 14 2007Avril Lavigne and Pink don't like Britney Spears
Avril Lavigne is blaming Britney Spears for her lack of popularity, saying nobody pays attention to her because Britney takes up so much space in the media.
“She has paparazzi at her house every day,” Lavigne told the Australian newspaper Townsville Bulletin. “Then she does things that are crazy, so everyone talks about it.”
And then when Pink was asked how she felt about her peers like Britney Spears and Paris Hilton she said:
“They just get stupider and stupider. But I guess ignorance is bliss.”
Sure Britney Spears is a mess, but Avril Lavigne and Pink are out of their minds delusional. This is like Danny DeVito judging Michael Jordan for being short and then blaming him for ruining his professional basketball career.
May 14 2007Lilly Allen whines on MySpace
22-year-old singer Lily Allen posted a whiny little message on her MySpace talking about feeling fat and ugly and how depressed she is. She writes:
fat , ugly and shitter than winehousethat is all i am , im on my own in america again . I used to pride myself on being strong minded and not being some stupid girl obsessed with the way I look . I felt like it didnt matter if I was a bit chubby cause , im not a model , I'm a singer . Im afraid I am not strong and have fallen victim to the evil machine . I write to you in a sea of tears from my hotel bed in Seattle , I have spent the past hour researching gastric bypass surgery , and laser lipo suction .
This bitch weighs like 110lbs. Which is clearly super fat, but nowhere near time for gastric bypass or lipo. If she actually got gastic bypass I would laugh. And, uh, she would die. Which would probably make me laugh some more. But only because it's funny when stupid people kill themselves. Like my friend Sarah who died of cancer. Oh, the laughs we had about that.
May 14 2007Kathy Griffin wants attention
Remember when Kathy Griffin ate it in a London parking lot two weeks ago? Well apparently she faked the whole thing for some publicity.
So she took a taxi to an event she knew would be well-covered by the paparazzi. As she was stepping out of the taxi, she "tripped" and fell face-first to the pavement. Photos of her tumble were posted all over the Internet and in newspapers. "It worked!" Griffin bragged to Page Six. "Part of episode seven is that I do anything to be in the tabs in London. They're very big on pics of celebs falling drunkenly out of cabs. The shot was almost ruined when some nice lady tried to help me!"
If she really wants some publicity she should just kill herself. Forget the publicity, she should just do it anyway. You know, for the children. Or something.
