May 11 2007Salma Hayek still pregnant, huge
Salma Hayek was spotted in Paris, France looking very pregnant and very huge. I know you put on weight when you're pregnant, but Salma looks like she's transforming into a wall. If you pulled up her shirt I'd expect to see bricks instead of skin.
May 11 2007Britney Spears still can't dress herself
Britney Spears was spotted walking around town with a towel tied around her head and dressed like some sort of clown/porn star. And sure, why not? Sometimes when I go out, I also think to myself: "How should I dress to let the world know I don't have a single working brain cell in my entire head. Or dignity. Or a mirror in my home."
A bunch more of Britney Spears dressed like a 70's porn star after the jump.
May 11 2007Jamie Pressly gives birth
Jamie Pressly and her fiancé Eric Cubiche gave birth to a baby boy today. They named the kid Dezi James, after a running joke where Cubiche would come home and call out "Luuucy" like Desi Arnaz' character Ricky Ricardo from I Love Lucy. No, seriously. They named their kid after the fact that his dad makes lame jokes. If he came home every night and yelled out "By the Power of Grayskull!" this kid would be named He-Man.
May 11 2007Lindsay Lohan does Lindsay stuff
Lindsay Lohan was spotted making out with Callum Best (some guy from Britain) at Wednesday's Nylon Magazine party.
"This isn't a serious relationship," one friend tells us. "He's a piece of s-. He's a wanna-be celebrity. Lindsay trusts people until they hurt her." Whatever their future, Lohan was in fine form at the Tenjune bash. "She was lifting up her skirt, and sending people over to [her friend, deejay] Samantha Ronson when she didn't like what she was playing," said a spy."
And just cause, here's Lindsay Lohan showing off her puffy face at the Nylon magazine party. I'm not sure why she looks so concerned in all the pictures though. I'm guessing she's trying to hide a fart.
May 10 2007Lindsay Lohan is cold, possibly literate
Lindsay Lohan was spotted in New York with her nipples poking through her shirt and carrying around the book A Practical Handbook for the Boyfriend: For Every Guy Who Wants to Be One for Every Girl Who Wants to Build One. Although it could've been The Cat in the Hat and she probably wouldn't have noticed. "Lindsay, dear, that's the wrong book." Then she'd respond, "What are you talking about? It says right here on the cover: blabbidy blobbidy." Then everybody would give each other concerned looks as Lindsay stared furiously at the cover, desperately trying to figure out the word 'cat'.
May 10 2007Jessica Simpson gets into the wrong car
Jessica Simpson attended the MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala earlier this week, and as she was leaving her hotel for the event she got into the wrong car. And not only does she not realize it, she even tries to defend herself by saying that's the car that's been driving her around all day. How does she even function? I wouldn't be surprised if all the furniture in her home has mouth-sized holes in them because Jessica Simpson can't figure out what food is.
May 10 2007Melanie Griffith looks like hell
49-year-old Melanie Griffith was spotted shopping in Malibu looking like she just turned 112. I'm not normally a fan of surgery, but if your knees look like this then get it. And get a lot of it. Hell, amputate if you need to. You've got a serious problem if people look at you and can't even tell if you're human anymore.
May 10 2007Amanda Harrington gets her bikini on
I have no idea who Amanda Harrington is, but she's famous enough for the paparazzi and looks pretty decent in a bikini, so that's good enough for me. According to the internet, she's some sort of model in the UK. But that's assuming you care. Which you don't. Hell, I can't even remember her name anymore, and I just typed it eight seconds ago. I think it started with a B. Blarghy? Blarghy something?
A ton more of Blarghy and her bikini after the jump.
May 10 2007Jennifer Lopez scared for her life
Jennifer Lopez has allegedly increased security because an animal-rights activist has been sending her letters threatening "'to kill her in public, just like the slaughtered animals whose fur she wears."
The source says J.Lo initially dismissed the notes, which have been arriving for a month, as lunatic junk mail. But husband Marc Anthony isn't taking the matter lightly. "He has hired two off-duty police officers, in addition to her usual security team, to watch over Lopez whenever she makes public appearances," says the pal.
What if this guy showed up one day wearing a J.Lo outfit? And I don't mean some outfit designed by her, I mean an actual dead Jennifer Lopez turned into an outfit. I think that'd be pretty ironic. Like the time I saved the President's life by having sex with a gang of hot cheerleader assassins until they died from exhaustion. I'm not actually sure what 'ironic' means, I just wanted to tell that story. That true story, I might add.
May 10 2007Akon is sorry
Akon has apologized for the incident last month where he basically dry-humped a 15-year-old girl on stage. He released a statement saying he was sorry, but that he also didn't know the girl was underage.
"I want to sincerely apologize for the embarrassment and any pain I've caused to the young woman who joined me onstage, her family and the Trinidad community for the events at my concert. It was never my intention to embarrass or take advantage of my fans in any way, especially those under the age of 18. That is why we tried to make sure that the club did not admit anyone under 18 in the audience. Somehow, that standard was not met."
In Akon's defense, there's no way anybody would've guessed this chick was underage. Who the hell would let their 15-year-old daughter go to a concert dressed like this? The Incredible Hulk would make a better parent.
EDIT: The girl is either 14 or 15 depending on what news source you're reading. I don't know which to believe so I'm going with the one that sounds right in my heart: 8.
May 9 2007Paris Hilton cries, admits wrongdoing
After seeing the way she was coming across in the media, Paris Hilton released this press statement:
"After reading the media's coverage of my court hearing, I feel the need to correct what I believe are misperceptions about me. I absolutely realize how serious driving under the influence is. I could not live with myself if anyone was injured or killed while I was driving while impaired. Clearly, no one should -- no matter how slightly.I am ready to face the consequences of violating probation.
No one is above the law. I surely am not. I do not expect to be treated better than anyone else who violated probation. However, my hope is that I will not be treated worse."
I'd actually feel sorry for her if I didn't know what a horrible human being she is. Don't be fooled, this is the same spoiled racist bitch she's always been. Watching her cry is almost arousing. God forbid they ever get a video of her being eaten by hyenas, because I don't think the world is ready for the raging boner it'd give me.
May 9 2007Kirsten Dunst cuts in line
Kirsten Dunst and Johnny Borrell reportedly cut past a long brunch line at Café Sabarsky, including several elderly couples.
"There were seven people ahead of her, including several elderly couples. She should have known better," said one peeved eyewitness.
The only special treatment Kirsten Dunst should ever receive is getting her own personal cage at the zoo. And not because she's special, but because if she's put with the other animals they'll just end up killing themselves.
May 9 2007Pamela Anderson see-through shirt
Pamela Anderson was spotted in Agoura Hills wearing short shorts and a slightly see-through shirt. Which isn't actually news, but it's a super slow day so this is the kind of crap you're going to have to deal with. The next celebrity to order lunch or get in their car will probably end up on the site.
May 9 2007Kevin Federline disses Britney Spears' boyfriend
Kevin Federline has apparently been trash talking Britney Spears' new boyfriend, musician Howie Day. A source says:
"When Kevin heard they had a sleepover at her house, everyone wanted to know about it. He lit up a cigarette and said he guessed you have to head to the dump to find trash, referring to how Britney and Howie met while in rehab."
I'm not sure if Kevin Federline is the most qualified person to be calling other people trash. I'm pretty sure he's more qualified to be an astronaut. Or, I dunno, a Japanese woman. Besides, one look at Britney Spears and you can tell this lady is all class. I'm surprised she didn't have her monocle on here. She must've left it with her top hat.
Continue Reading "Kevin Federline disses Britney Spears' boyfriend"
May 9 2007Angelina Jolie has something to hide
Angelina Jolie reportedly lost it when a photographer got pictures of her bathing her children. She and her family (including Brad Pitt) were in their rented home in Prague when a photographer took the photos of her through a raised shade. A security source says:
"She was livid. Angelina felt so sick and so violated, she was shouting and crying and shaking."
Kind of makes you wonder what she was doing besides bathing her kids. She has to be used to being photographed by now, so the only reason I can see her freaking out is that she was doing something she shouldn't have been doing. You know who else freaks out when they're photographed? Mothers who eat their children. Ridiculous speculation? Or the shocking truth! Dum dum dum!
NOTE: Just kidding. Trying to get pictures of a bathing child automatically makes this photographer a closet pedophile.
May 8 2007Lindsay Lohan has no nipples
Lindsay Lohan showed up to the MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala (as did every other celebrity in North America) wearing a see-through dress that wasn't see-through at all. Or maybe it is see-through and she just had her nipples removed. Because that, uh, sounds like it might be true. Although I dropped out of school in the second grade, so Abraham Lincoln inventing the iPod also sounds like it might be true to me.
A bunch more of Lindsay Lohan and her freckled boobs after the jump.
May 8 2007Kirsten Dunst is almost too beautiful
Kirsten Dunst showed up to the MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala taking the costume part way too literally. You'd think she would've figured out a way to cover up her ugliness with fashion or makeup by now, but she actually looks worse after getting all dressed up. And what the hell is she wearing? A tent? You could ask Stephen King to imagine a more horrifying outfit and after seeing this thing he'd just curl up into a ball and cry.
May 8 2007Jessica Simpson shows off her cleavage again
Jessica Simpson showed up to the MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala once again trying to show off her breasts. I don't know who does her makeup but she looks like a completely different person every time I see her. At least she's finally starting to figure out people only care about her boobs. She could have a watermelon for a head and nobody would notice. Except for me, but I'm a world-class detective. I once had a detectiving contest with Sherlock Holmes and I beat him so bad he started to cry.
A ton more of Jessica Simpson and her massive cleavage after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jessica Simpson shows off her cleavage again"
May 8 2007Cate Blanchett has seen better days
Cate Blanchett showed up to the red carpet of the Costume Institute Gala in New York looking like some sort of troll. She usually looks elegant and ethereal, so I don't know what the hell is going on here. She looks like she should be living under a bridge, hopping from foot to foot and waving a stick over her head.
May 8 2007Paris Hilton wants to be pardoned, can't spell
Paris Hilton posted a message on her MySpace pleading with people to sign a petition directed to California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger to get her pardoned from her jail sentence. She writes (and this is her spelling):
"My friend Joshua started this petition, please help and sihn it. i LOVE YOU ALL!!!!!"
Is there anybody in the world who actually supports Paris Hilton? In anything? She could ask me to sign a petition to cure cancer, and the very fact that it's her asking would make me not want do it. And I'd compare her spelling to Lindsay Lohan, but sadly this is still better. If Lindsay had written the message it'd be written on her computer monitor with marker and say something like: "Sine pitishin adequit!!!"
May 7 2007Jessica Simpson shows off her boobs
Jessica Simpson showed up to the 2nd Anniverarsy of the Pussycat Dolls Lounge in Las Vegas with her boobs once again prominently displayed. Which I can only assume is a diversionary tactic to draw attention away from her face. It's not even that she looks bad here, just kind of weird, like a really tanned zombie. Although if you listen carefully, you can actually hear the sound of Joe Simpson somewhere getting a boner. And that somewhere? My bedroom. Rowr! Wait, what? Oh, no. Oh God, no!
A ton more of Jessica Simpson and her huge cleavage after the jump.
May 7 2007Paris Hilton is unfairly targeted by police
Paris Hilton broke down Saturday after having lunch at Prego, burrying her face in her hands while her mom tried to comfort her. And in case you start to feel sorry for her, in an interview with Harper's Bazaar, Paris says she's unfairly targeted by cops and that they pull her over all the time to hit on her:
"I think I get in more trouble because of who I am. The cops do it all the time. They'll just pull me over to hit on me. It's really annoying. They're [the cops] like, 'What's your phone number? Want to go out to dinner?' "
I'm pretty sure you shouldn't say something happens all the time when it hasn't even happened once. Ever. In your entire life. That'd be like me claiming I ride around on rainbows with my pet unicorn. Except not really, because I actually do do that all the time. But usually only after I drink my daily cup of paint.
May 7 2007Ty Pennington gets arrested
Ty Pennington, the guy from "Extreme Makeover: Home Edition", was arrested Saturday morning on suspicion of being under the influence of drugs and alcohol while driving. Although if you've ever seen this guy or know who he is, I'm sure you'll agree when I say it's too bad he wasn't arrested for getting karate kicked in the throat.
May 7 2007Paris Hilton loses Elliot Mintz, flashes her panties
Paris Hilton's publicist Elliot Mintz has announced he'll no longer be representing Paris. Last Friday Paris claimed in court it was Mintz who told her she was allowed to drive even though she had a suspended license. The judge didn't believe her and sentenced her to jail anyways. Elliot issued a statement saying:
"The day after the hearing, I sent an e-mail expressing my sadness over the ruling of the judge and the irrational sentence he imposed. In that e-mail I also offered my sincerest apology for any misunderstanding she received from me regarding the terms of her probation. To the extent that I have miscommunicated information I received from her attorneys......I am deeply and profoundly sorry. I told her that I assume personal responsibility for my part in this matter. I believe when stated in court that she believed it was o.k. for her to drive under certain circumstances she was being absolutely truthful. Due to this misunderstanding, I am no longer representing Paris. For the record, I have nothing but love and respect for Paris and her family. Paris is a wonderful person and does not deserve the punishment that was handed down by the court. I only wish her my best."
This is a smart move on Elliot's part. Anything he does now should be easy compared to dealing with Paris Hilton. His job could be to figure out a way to travel back in time and punch George Washington in the face and it would still be easier than trying to make Paris Hilton look good. He probably would've had an easier time representing Hitler.
And because she's so completely empty, Paris Hilton went shopping the day after she found out she'd be serving jail time. And it wouldn't be Paris without her dress blowing up and everybody seeing her panties.
May 7 2007Lindsay Lohan caught snorting cocaine
A friend of Lindsay Lohan has leaked a video of Lindsay snorting cocaine and shoving it up a friend's nose while the two were crammed in a toilet at club Teddy's. The video was taken just 20 days after she left rehab and in it she's also heard saying: "I'm going to New York tomorrow to fuck Jude Law." The friend that leaked the video says she's worried about Lindsay and "that's why I'm showing this video. So the world can know what Lindsay has been doing and she can't lie about it to herself or anyone else." She also says:
"That night I saw her do more than 20 big lines of cocaine. She was still up doing drugs at 11am even though she had started about 8pm the night before. She wasn't even trying to hide it and was blatantly doing it off table tops, keys, books and in the wardrobe, where she was hunched over with her legs crossed almost bent in half doing it off some magazine on the floor. I remember looking at her and thinking how pathetic she looked and how out of control she had become. When she is on coke, which is most of the time, all the attention has to be on her. I have lost count of the number of times I have watched as she stripped naked in front of everyone. Then she loves to check herself out in the mirror as she parades around with her boobs hanging out. One night we had gone back to her place and, as always, as soon as she walked through the door she stripped down to her thong, bent down and snorted cocaine off her coffee table and then off her toilet seat. She has told me that she has slept with James Blunt, Jude Law, Calum Best, Joaquin Phoenix, Benicio Del Toro, Jared Leto and James Franco. She loves Brits and has told me she has slept with the singer James Blunt a few times over the past month. The last time was on April 15 after another house party. I think they went back to a hotel together afterwards. She is very protective over him and when she heard I had met him she sent me a text saying, 'Stay away from him Bitch, he is mine.' Lindsay told me she has messed around with Leonardo DiCaprio a while ago too but claimed that she didn't sleep with him. She also flew to New York about two months ago to go to bed with Jude Law. Last November she slept with Calum Best. She didn't tell me if he was any good but she is usually too wasted to know what is going on anyway. Going to rehab was all for publicity. She wanted people to see her seeking help but it hasn't got her off the drugs at all. In an average night Lindsay will do two and half grams of coke on her own. She doesn't buy it - she is given it by friends and acquaintances, and it turns her into an angry monster. I have watched many a time Lindsay treating her staff like crap."
I know you were tempted to skip that giant quote above, but do yourself a favor and read it. It's not like anybody believed Lindsay was sober, but this is just ridiculous. If Skeletor wrote an autobiography it'd probably be less dramatic.
EDIT: Had to take down the pictures. Go here to check them out.
