May 4 2007Paris Hilton is going to jail
A Los Angeles County Superior Court judge has sentenced Paris Hilton to 45 days in LA County jail for violating her probation. Her sentence will start on June 5, and the judge made sure she wouldn't be allowed on work release, furloughs, use of an alteranitve jail, or electronic monitoring instead of jail. Moments before the judge gave his decision, Paris was crying and told the court:
"I'm Sorry, I'm Sorry." The judge called out her rep Elliot Mintz in court, describing his testimony as "completely worthless." He also told Paris that he did not believe that she was unaware of her license suspension, adding that she had paperwork in her car stating that her license was suspended.
This judge is a fucking hero. I mean, yeah, I once saw him save a group of children by killing a bear with his bare hands. And then this other time I saw him run into a burning building to save a box of kittens. But really, this Paris thing is probably the most heoric thing he's ever done. They should give him a cape. And also this card I made for him. I wrote his name in curly letters and drew hearts all around the margin.
May 4 2007Petra Nemcova's boob falling out
Petra Nemcova showed up to a party for Stella McCartney with her boob basically hanging out. And for some reason nobody around her seems to notice. Last I checked, proper etiquette for a situation like this is to drop you head, stare, and make honking noises as your pretend (or actually) squeeze them. Hmm, maybe dropping out of school and getting my formal education from Mad magazine wasn't such a good idea. Because it was a great idea!
May 4 2007Natalie Portman wears loose dresses
Natalie Portman showed up to the lower Manhattan Cultural Center's annual "Downtown Dinner" looking lovely as hell, but with two Band-Aids on her arm and dressed in a trash bag. And I have no idea how her breasts are staying in there. It looks like her dress would fall off if somebody walked too close and sneezed. And by sneezed I mean pretended to sneeze, but then grabbed her dress with both hands and yanked. Ahh, subtlety.
May 4 2007Lindsay Lohan supports Britney Spears
Lindsay Lohan attended Britney Spears' 12-minute set at the House Of Blues yesterday. And Britney? Well she was spotted around town wearing what appear to be Eskimo moon boots. I just can't figure out if this is a step up or a step down from her cowgirl boots. If this trend continues, by next month she'll be spotted wearing giant slices of salami on her feet. And after that? Who knows. The sky's the limit! She could, I dunno, glue live turtles to the bottom of her feet or something.
May 4 2007Jada Pinkett Smith lies to us
For some reason Jada Pinkett Smith is claiming Katie Holmes runs the household and that Tom Cruise has no control in the relationship. She says:
"It burns my soul - I see her in the house with Tom; he doesn't have that on her! It kills me. 'Tom's this monster and he's got her chained up in the basement and he's forcing Scientology down her throat' - it's bullshit. Let me tell you: Kate ain't no little wimpy kitty cat. It's not that ballgame. For real. Tom don't run nothin' in that house! It is Katie's house. It's her world! The devotion that Tom has to his wife, and the places he'll go to make her happy - spiritually, where he will go as a man for his woman."
If she wanted us to believe her she should've stuck to something more realistic, like that Katie Holmes gets fed at least once a day. But to say she runs the house? She might as well have told us that Katie Holmes is actually a Power Ranger and spends her free time fighting crime and riding around in giant robots.
May 4 2007Kirsten Dunst has horrifying feet
Kirsten Dunst bailed on her Spider-Man 3 screening Monday night by telling everybody she was sick, but instead celebrated her 25th birthday at Beatrice Inn. A source says:
"She told everyone she was sick and left right after the red carpet. But really she went to her birthday party."
And as Kirsten Dunst was leaving the bar, she was photographed with her feet looking like *shudder* this. I don't even know why I'm surprised. Judging by her face I should've expected to see hooves. Seriously though, what the hell is this? It's like she got up on the bar and started dancing in broken glass. I've seen burn victims with less disgusting feet.
A few more of Kirsten Dunst and her blotchy red feet after the jump.
May 3 2007David Hasselhoff drunk video
This is video of David Hasselhoff completely drunk and slurring his words at his Las Vegas home. It was taken by his 16-year-old daughter Taylor three months ago, and in it you can hear her begging him not to drink anymore or he'll be fired from his show. David released this statement in response to the video:
"I am a recovering alcoholic. Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue. Unfortunately, one evening I did have a brief relapse, but part of recovery is relapse. Because of my honest and positive relationship with my daughters who were concerned for my well being there was a tape made that night to show me what I was like. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it and I am back on my game. I thank God for the love and concern from my daughters. The tape was never meant to become public, but got into the hands of individuals who are not worthy of mentioning, who maliciously released the tape for their own self purpose. I hope that someone else will learn from the tape, as I have."
As much as I want to rip on The Hoff, this is just incredibly sad. Like the time I was standing outside all alone, looking through the window of a family opening presents on Christmas morning. And there was a guy behind me playing the violin. And it was raining. And also I was an orphan. And my pet dog had just died. Did I mention I was also missing a leg? Because I was also missing a leg. Ahh, the memories.
May 3 2007Kate Bosworth nipple slip...sort of
Kate Bosworth was spotted leaning over some person's baby with her nipple possibly showing. And I say possibly because I can't tell. I like nipple slips as much as the next person, but this is pushing it. Like really really pushing it. Click the image above and judge for yourself. Although you'd probably have a better chance of spotting her nipple if this was a photo of Barney the dinosaur.
If you can't get motivated for the hunt, here's a little inspiration.
May 3 2007Natasha Henstridge has big boobs
Natasha Henstridge showed up to the Hollywood Hero Award Gala sporting some serious cleavage. She used to be famous right? She was in that one movie with that one guy. Something or another? Yeah, really famous. Anyways, I don't know what a Hollywood Hero is, but I figure it has something to do with her boobs. At least that makes her a hero in my book. Some might even say the greatest hero that ever lived. Not me though. That title is reserved for Superman. And that guy I met the other day who let me play with his pet turtle.
May 3 2007Lindsay Lohan parties in her bra
Lindsay Lohan was in Palm Springs for the Coachella Music Festival over the weekend and attended the Fashion Loves Music Party on April 29. She arrived all done up, but within half an hour she had ripped off her top and was dancing around in her bra. Additionally, Paris Hilton and Kelly Osbourne were at the party, and when Kelly called police to look for her missing purse they found cocaine in one of the VIP restrooms. I know. It's so shocking, right? If you could see me right now you'd see my jaw on the floor and an exclamation mark over my head. And eyes so dreamy you'd get lost in them forever.
One more of Lindsay Lohan partying in her bra after the jump.
May 3 2007Kate Moss maybe isn't doing drugs?
Kate Moss was spotted leaving London restaurant China Tang at 9:30pm, but when she arrived home at midnight she was staggering out of her car and had specks of white powder down her jeans. But that could be anything, right? Let's not jump to any conclusions. Personally, I don't consider it a decent night out until I've juggled bags of baking powder too. Sometimes I mix it up and juggle refrigerators. Yeah, I'm pretty strong.
May 3 2007Paris Hilton's boyfriend is an idiot
Paris Hilton's new boy toy Josh Henderson is so deluded and in love with himself that he's been going around thinking he's the shit because he's dating Paris Hilton. A source says:
"Everyone in Los Angeles is just calling him 'Paris Boy.' No one really knows his name, but he walks around acting like he's God's gift."
To be fair, dating Paris Hilton is a pretty big deal. Only what, four, five thousand guys get to do it every month? That's special. Besides, have you seen what Josh Henderson looks like? I only know two people better looking than Sleepy McDroop Face, and that's me, and the person looking back at me in the mirror.
May 2 2007Anastacia gets her bikini on
Anastacia was spotted in Mauritius lounging around in her bikini. I'm not really even sure who she is, but the paparazzi were following her so I suspect she might be famous. I think she's a singer or something. Maybe a juggler. Either way she's got giant boobs and is wearing a bikini. Last I checked that's more than enough reason to post these. And also to shake my head side to side while making motorboat noises.
A ton more of Anastacia in her bikini after the jump.
NOTE: Usually looking like a dude negates the bikini factor, but I was desperate to put anything up after the Scary Spice post.
May 2 2007Scary Spice taking Eddie Murphy to court
Scary Spice Melanie Brown says she's taking Eddie Murphy to court to force him to take a paternity test. She tells People:
"He's not doing a DNA test and he's not signing the birth certificate. So it's going to have to go to court so he can be forced to do it, which is strange since he was the one asking for it."
I'd refuse a DNA test too if it proved I had sex with this thing. If there was a way to get another woman pregnant by making out with your own mom, I'd rather admit to that than to having sex with Scary Spice.
May 2 2007Britney Spears poses topless
Britney Spears posed topless at a friend's house last month with some flowers covering her boobs. And, uh, here it is. Although I have no idea why anybody is asking Britney Spears to get topless. Six years ago this would've been amazing, but now they could've put a seal in a silly hat and thrown some flowers at it and it would've turned out hotter. If it weren't for the outfit, I wouldn't even have been able to tell this was a girl.
NOTE: Yes, this is real. Very real, and very horrifying. If you get aroused by this I think you're required by law to turn in your penis.
May 2 2007Angelina Jolie dances for other men
After making her directorial debut at the Tribeca Film Festival last week, Angelina Jolie went to a party at Hotel Gansevoort and gave actor Olivier Martinez a lap dance after having some wine.
"She turned to him on the banquette and was shaking it in front of him. She was giving him a lap dance," another reveler tells Us. "She was looking over her shoulder, tossing a glance his way." As another partygoer describes it, "It was very, very flirty."
Brad Pitt better get his woman under control. A wooden bat and a potato sack work great. Although personally, I like to use them on first dates. Nothing says romance like throwing a potato sack over a woman and clubbing them in the head. That's right, ladies, I'm a charmer. Rowr!
May 2 2007Britney Spears performs at House of Blues
Britney Spears performed in San Diego at the House of Blues yesterday, her first public concert appearance in nearly three years. She started off with "Baby One More Time" and performed for less than 15 minutes before thanking everybody for coming and playing a taped Madonna song as she exited.
The comeback didn't hit a high note for everyone, some of whom paid upward of $125 a ticket. "It looked like she lip-synched her way through the whole thing," said a disappointed Morgan Segall, 20, who flew in from San Francisco for the night.
I can't believe people actually paid $125 to see Britney Spears sing for less than 15 minutes. Their money would've been better spent investing in my patent pending Trash Can Filled With Burning Money. I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I expect it to win two or three Nobel prizes.
A ton more pictures and a video of her performance after the jump.
Continue Reading "Britney Spears performs at House of Blues"
May 1 2007Kathy Griffin eats it
Kathy Griffin completely ate it while getting out of her car in a London parking lot yesterday. And that's about as hard as somebody can eat it without being drunk. She's lying on the ground! I can't even figure out how this happened. I'm looking at the picture and it looks like she thought she could get out without using her legs. Did she even try to walk? It looks like she was napping against the door and somebody just opened it.
May 1 2007Kate Bosworth still wearing her bikini
Here are some more shots of Kate Bosworth on vacation in Hawaii. I posted some yesterday, but these are way better. And by way better I mean exactly the same. But it's Kate Bosworth in a bikini so who cares. It'd be like complaining about having too much chocolate. Or being too rich. Or getting repeatedly kicked in the nuts. Hmm, that last one might actually suck. Well, either suck or be totally awesome.
A bunch more of Kate Bosworth looking good after the jump.
May 1 2007Lindsay Lohan wants an Academy Award
In her interview with Nylon magazine, Lindsay Lohan claims she's more famous than Madonna and gets more attention than her from the paparazzi. She says:
"I said the other day, 'I feel like they hound me more than they hound Madonna and she's someone I've always aspired to be like.'"
She also adds that the paparazzi are what's preventing her from getting an Academy Award because they keep distracting her from her work. She says:
"The thing about the press and why they need to leave me the [bleep] alone for a little bit is because I don't want that distraction from my work. I want to get a nomination. I want to win an Oscar. I want to be known for more than, like, going out. For being 'the party girl.' I hate that. I bust my [bleep] when I'm filming, and when I gave time off, yeah, I like to go out and dance."
Lindsay Lohan could be the last living actress on Earth and she still wouldn't get an Academy Award. She'd be the only nominee, and when it came time to announce the winner they'd end up giving it to a potted plant in the corner.
May 1 2007Gisele Bundchen leaving Victoria's Secret
Gisele Bundchen is reportedly stepping down as lead angel for Victoria's Secret because they refuse to increase her $5 million-a-year salary. Her sister confirmed that contract talks had broken down and a source says:
"Her demands were outrageous. She got a new lawyer who was unrealistic. Victoria's Secret doesn't care. They have five new hotter, younger girls debuting next year. And they won't have to deal with any craziness."
I'm a fan of Gisele, but asking for a pay increase when you already make $5 million is crazy. Her job is to stand in front of a camera and occasionally walk down a path. Considering the difficulty, a box of animal crackers and a balloon should be enough.
Apr 30 2007Jessica Simpson has an impressive bosom
Jessica Simpson was spotted getting dinner with her hair dresser Ken Paves over the weekend, and then the two caught a show together at The Dresden. And I don't know what she did, but she looks remarkably better than she did two weeks ago. Although judging by the way she's wearing her boobs these days, I wouldn't even notice if her face was missing. There could be a bloody stump where her head should be, and I'd still just be sitting here trying to squeeze my monitor with both hands.
Apr 30 2007Kate Bosworth gained weight, still skinny
Kate Bosworth was spotted on a Maui beach in her bikini looking like she put on a few pounds. Yeah, this is her after gaining weight. Although compared to how she used to look, these could be pictures of a bikini hanging from a broom and it would still look like she put on some weight. For reference, this is what her chest used to look like. If you don't feel like clicking the link, just picture Gollum's body, and it's a little more disgusting than that.
A ton more of Kate Bosworth in her bikini after the jump.
Continue Reading "Kate Bosworth gained weight, still skinny"
Apr 30 2007Britney Spears wears see through outfit
Britney Spears was spotted shopping in Los Angeles wearing whatever this is. She could be carrying around a magnifying glass and wearing a cape and it would make just as much sense. And for some reason she thinks her cowgirl boots go with everything. You could throw a blind person in a dumpster and they'd crawl out wearing a better outfit.
A bunch more of Britney Spears in her see-through bikini outfit after the jump.
UPDATE: Britney Spears was pulled over for speeding on Friday but let go with a warning. And since there's no way that deserved it's own post, I just stuck it on the end of this one.
Apr 30 2007Lindsay Lohan loves being photographed
Lindsay Lohan tells Nylon magazine she has a shopping problem. She says:
"I talk about my impulses with my therapist - I have a shopping problem. I love to shop too much."
She also adds that she loves being photographed and enjoys the attention from the paparazzi.
"I get embarrassed about the paparazzi if I'm in a chic restaurant, or when I was in the AA meetings ... I feel really disrespectful because those people are doing that for themselves and it's no one else's business. But that was the only time it was embarrassing. Other times, I obviously like it ... I wouldn't ever want them to not take my picture ... I'd be worried. I'd be like 'Do people not care for me?'?
She could've announced that chocolate is delicious and it would've been more shocking news. And for no reason, here's Lindsay dressed as some sort of slutty Waldo at the Coachella Music Festival over the weekend.
Apr 30 2007Victoria Beckham has very hard nipples
Victoria Beckham was spotted in LAX wearing the most see-through shirt possible. She was wearing a bra underneath, but that would only matter if her breasts weren't the hardest substance on earth. I read in a science journal once that if you take her nipple and rub it against diamond, the diamond gets scratched. Although it was less of a science journal, and more of a post-it note with "Victoria Beckham's nipples > diamond" scribbled on it. By me. With crayon. So really, even more scientific than a science journal.
Most of these are slightly NSFW.
Apr 30 2007Rosie to replace Rosie on The View
Sources say that possible replacements being considered to replace Rosie O'Donnell next year on The View are Joan Rivers, Whoopi Goldberg, Kathie Lee Gifford and Connie Chung, but that Roseanne Barr is currently the top contender.
"They're missing strong personalities on that show, and that's what they're going to need if they want to keep it going," an ABC staffer close to the situation told the Post. "It's going to be hard for them to follow Rosie," says an industry insider. "Roseanne could be the only one capable of pulling it off."
It's like their only requirement for the job is being fat and annoying. They could replace Rosie O'Donnell with a giant screeching bat and it'd be the least annoying choice. Probably also the best looking.
