Apr 27 2007Tobey Maguire is an asshole
Tobey Maguire smacked a camera out of the hand of a fan who tried to get his picture while he was headed back to his hotel in Paris. The guy wasn't even paparazzi. It's like the cast of Spider-Man is having a competition to see who can make me hate them the most. Tobey Maguire is being a dick and Kirsten Dunst is, well, just being herself. Which, ironically, puts her in the lead for the fifth straight year in a row. And also in a never ending battle against werewolves.
Apr 27 2007Marisa Miller still kinda pretty
Maris Miller was spotted at the Us Magazine Hot Hollywood 2007 Party in a top that's barely holding her breasts in. I imagine this is what Lindsay Lohan will look like in 10 years if she grows a foot, loses 20 lbs, and turns hot. And also gets a face transplant. And body transplant. Basically the only way she'll look like this is if Marisa Miller changes her name to Lindsay Lohan.
Apr 27 2007Lindsay Lohan's driver is an asshole
Lindsay Lohan is so full of herself it's starting to rub off on her help. Lohan's driver plowed into Tony Bennett's daughter on Wednesday and then started screaming at her, even using the "Don't you know who I am?" line. Antonia Bennett says:
"[He] was hostile with me. He ran into me, then got out of his car and started yelling at me." Her manager, Keya Morgan, said Zagata was waiting to pick up Lohan in the parking lot of the Rehearsals.com recording studio in Burbank and talking on his cellphone when "he hit Antonia's car. Then he has the nerve to jump out and scream, 'Don't you know who I am? I represent Lindsay Lohan! How dare you get in my way!' He had no idea who Antonia was." Morgan said that Zagata tried to blame Antonia "but [that] there were six witnesses, including the security guard who saw him ram her." He said that Antonia was shaken up and that her car suffered close to $2,000 in damages.
Did this idiot seriously expect to be recognized? He's Lindsay Lohan's driver. You'd have a better chance of recognizing your neighbor's dry cleaner. Or some guy in Italy you've never met.
Apr 27 2007Britney Spears shows off her new body again
Britney Spears was spotted at Millennium Dance Studio, once again wearing her dancing cowgirl outfit. Hard to imagine yesterday she looked like this. She looks way better when she doesn't wear her lipstick, so it's hard to figure out why she's always putting it on. It's like she goes out of her way to look bad. One of these days she's gonna get plastic surgery and when the surgeon asks what she wants to look like she'll reply, "George Costanza."
Apr 27 2007Tyra Banks pays her bills
Tyra Banks ate at the Brooklyn Diner with Russell Simmons and his children on Saturday, and walked out on a $120 bill without paying. According to the manager:
"Everybody waved goodbye and there was nothing in the billfold. We kind of figured it was okay. It was so chaotic, she thought someone must have paid the bill." As Banks explained on The View Thursday morning, she had offered to pick up the check, then Simmons insisted he would, but ultimately neither did in a misunderstanding. "I read the [newspaper] and they're saying I'm cheap and I didn't pay the bill," Banks said on The View Thursday. "So I'm on my way after this with my $120 and I'm going to give it to them."
How come when Tyra Banks skips out on a bill and says it's a misunderstanding everybody is sympathetic and believes her? But when I skip out on a bill and say it's a misunderstanding suddenly I'm a "disgrace to society." Sure, I threw the bill on the floor and spit on it. And sure, I punched the waiter in the face. And, yeah, maybe I did run out of the restaurant while screaming, "Suckers!" If anything, that should just mean I'm more innocent.
Apr 27 2007Sandra Bullock watches husband almost get run over
A woman obsessed with Sandra Bullock almost killed her husband, Jesse James, when she "attempted 3 or 4 times to run Jesse James over with her silver Mercedes" in front of Sandra and her 10-year-old son.
Jesse was never struck by the car during the alleged incident. We're told Valentine also "laid in the driveway and wouldn't move." Orange County Sheriffs were contacted and responded to the scene, but Valentine allegedly fled before they arrived. After an intense manhunt, officers located Valentine early Monday morning and took her into custody.
Not only is the woman insane, she also sucks at driving. She tried three or four times to run over Jesse James and didn't hit him once. I don't want to brag, but I hit people all the time and I'm not even trying. And I'm not saying that makes me better than her, but it does, and I am.
Apr 26 2007Britney Spears has saggy boobs
Britney Spears was spotted in Santa Monica without her bra on, and looking like she put her lipstick on with her feet. I know she's had two kids, but that's why they invented the bra. So nobody would have to see her deflated boobs through that shower curtain she calls a dress. And what the hell is going on here? How does she look like this one day, and like this the other? It's like she has a secret twin sister nobody knows about. Who's also a robot. And solves crimes. Hey, she sounds fun! My stupid twin sister just lies in bed all day and complains about her cancer.
NOTE: I probably crossed some sort of line here. Some sort of terrible offensive line.
Apr 26 2007Prince humiliates Paris Hilton
Prince reportedly publicly humiliated Paris Hilton when he invited her on stage with him at the Rio All-Suite Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas.
As a "delighted" Hilton obliged, Prince, 48, handed her the mic and told the audience, "Let's see if she can really sing," says the witness. Hilton stormed offstage - and left the club two songs later.
Paris Hilton released a fucking music album so asking her to sing shouldn't be such a big deal. It's not like Prince invited her on stage and asked her to do a backflip through a hoop of fire.
Apr 26 2007Lindsay Lohan reads something familiar
In her recent interview with Nylon magazine, Lindsay Lohan and her friends were quoted reading about themselves from The Superficial.
She stands up, black fedora cocked to one side, and adopts a stern voice: "Lindsay Lohan has been out partying and drinking every night since she arrived in New York [a week earlier, from L.A. where she lives]. So, rehab didn't work for her at all. What the hell was she doing in there? While everyone else was getting treated for addictions she was probably playing Hungry Hungry Hippos, clapping her hands excitedly, going 'Look at the hippos eat! They're so hungry!'"
Contorting in hysterics, Lohan pulls her knees up to her chest and buries her face in her oversize cashmere scarf. "I did checkers!" she exclaims, laughing. Once the hilarity has subsided, she sits up and looks over at Ronson, who is still chuckling to herself. "What else did they say about me?" she asks.
Ronson continues reading: "When one of the employees taps her on the shoulder to let her know a meeting is about to start, she orders a Cosmopolitan and takes a nap." More giggles, and it's beginning to feel like a slumber party in here. "See now that... It's fine," says Lohan. "I can totally laugh at myself."
Sound familiar? It should, because it came from here. I don't know if it was a one time deal or what, but there's no reason Lindsay Lohan should be reading The Superficial. It'd be like a gang of pirates subscribing to the newsletter of their worst enemy: my fists.
A few more shots of Lindsay Lohan picking up some McDonald's after the jump, and thanks to everybody that sent this in.
Apr 26 2007Tyra Banks gropes Rosie O'Donnell
Tyra Banks dropped by The View and for some reason started grabbing Rosie O'Donnell's breasts. Sure, it's all fun and games when Tyra Banks does it, but when I do it suddenly I have to check in with a judge twice a week. Not that I'd ever grab Rosie O'Donnell's breasts. Jesus, no. I'd rather put my hands in lava than on her chest.
Apr 26 2007Pamela Anderson puts on Baywatch suit
Pamela Anderson was spotted on a Malibu beach wearing her old Baywatch bathing suit for a DirecTV commercial. There's a "flotation device" joke to be made here, but I'm not entirely sure those things would float. One of her nipples is pointing at her face and the other is missing. I'm guessing her plastic surgeon moved it to her back. Judging by the way her breasts turned out, this guy went to medical school at 7-Eleven.
A few more of Pamela Anderson in her old C.J. outfit after the jump.
Apr 26 2007Hugh Grant arrested for bean attack
Hugh Grant was arrested last night after a photographer accused him of attacking him with a container of baked beans. The photographer says Grant kicked him and verbally abused him on Tuesday morning before throwing the beans at him.
The Metropolitan Police don't identify suspects who haven't been charged, but said a 46-year-old man was arrested Wednesday night on suspicion of assault and released on bail. No charges have been filed, police said.
That's not an attack. An attack is getting punched in the throat by some crazy guy wielding nunchucks. No, this guy got free beans. Last I checked, an offering of free beans meant peace. See that expression on Hugh Grant's face? It says: "Here, have some free beans. Let's be friends." They probably held hands afterwards and sang around a camp fire while taking turns farting.
Apr 26 2007Eve arrested for DUI
Rapper Eve was arrested on suspicion of driving under the influence last night after she crashed her gold Maserati on Hollywood Boulevard, hitting the center divider and totaling the front of her car. And because Hollywood is a very weird place, Sean Penn apparently went to go visit her at the station. Police sources say:
"He came to see how Eve was doing." No word yet if Sean and Eve had been out together before her car accident.
Eve and Sean Penn? That's a pretty weird combination. Sort of like Red Bull and Lucky Charms. Which is what I had for breakfast, and now I feel like I could fly to the moon with my arms. Prepare for takeoff! Vroooom!
Apr 25 2007Jessica Alba looks ridiculous
What the fuck did they do to Jessica Alba? It's like they couldn't get her for the Fantastic Four photoshoot so they just drew her in. Only they got confused and used a picture of Denise Richards as reference. They could've put Chris Rock in there and it would've looked more like her.
Apr 25 2007Ali Larter makes funny faces
Ali Larter (the blonde chick from Heroes) was spotted in LA yesterday ordering a drink form some place called Great Earth Vitamins. And judging by her expression it was mmm mmm good. What the hell did she order? Period blood? At least I know what she didn't order: a sexy dreamboat. Otherwise she'd be carrying around a giant cup of me.
Apr 25 2007Mischa Barton isn't anorexic...or is she?
Mischa Barton says she knows her friend Nicole Richie has an eating disorder, but that her own body is due to having a fast metabolism. She says:
"I am a normal weight. I understand the responsibility that comes with a role in a TV show that is watched by millions of teenagers ... but the thing is that I am naturally this shape. I have a very fast metabolism and it is sometimes annoying when you are compared to people who are clearly not naturally that way. I am sensitive to people like Nicole (Richie) who have body issues, but I am always pretty much the same weight."
To be fair, I've never accused Mischa Barton of being anorexic, only of dressing like she's lost her mind. Unless wearing adult diapers at the ripe old age of 21 isn't a sign of insanity, in which case I take everything back. Silly me, all this time I've just been holding my own pee in like a fool.
Apr 25 2007Britney Spears nipple slip (sort of)
Britney Spears was spotted coming home from the recording studio yesterday in a torn shirt with her nipple popping out. Although it's tough to get past that stupid smile of hers. She could be completely naked and juggling rattlesnakes and the only thing you'd notice about the picture is how much you wish somebody taped something over her face.
Click here for the slightly NSFW version.
Apr 25 2007Scarlett Johansson eats it
Scarlett Johansson ate it on some steps after the SNL after-party over the weekend because she was trying to avoid the paparazzi by putting a coat over her head. No, seriously. Watch the video. It's like a scene out of a National Lampoon movie. I'm surprised the government hasn't already picked her up for her amazing stealth techniques and put her to work for the CIA.
Apr 25 2007Geekologie gets comments
It took awhile, but the poor bastards at our sibling site Geekologie finally got comments enabled. Head on over and leave a word or two. Or three. Heck, maybe even an entire sentence.
Apr 25 2007Caprice Bourret still alive
Remember Caprice Bourret? I think she used to be a pretty famous model sometime or another. Although I'm not sure if that was for her modeling or because she had her boobs insured for $100,000. Anyways, here's her at the Spider Man 3 UK Premiere After Party, for no reason other than the best way to start off a morning is with pictures of a woman you can't tell is either really hot or a dude. Or both. I'm so confused. *curls up into a ball and cries*
Apr 25 2007Rosie O'Donnell leaving The View
Rosie O'Donnell is going to announce today on The View that she's leaving the show and won't return for another season. Producers of the show are already looking into a replacement, although they probably could've swapped her out with a giant pot-bellied pig and nobody would've known the difference. Except that maybe her voice was less annoying and she tasted more delicious when served with a side of eggs.
Apr 25 2007Joe Simpson to manage Britney Spears?
According to an inside source, Jessica Simpson's dad, Joe Simpson, is considering managing Britney Spears and even tried to set up a meeting with her over the weekend. Although I thought he only liked managing his daughters. And by "managing" I mean "trying to have sex with." Has this guy done anything for their careers other than stand in the background of all their photos and look creepy? I guess he did get Jessica Simpson those Pizza Hut commercials. Seriously, my coffee maker could probably do a better job.
Apr 24 2007Lindsay Lohan wears short shorts
Lindsay Lohan was spotted at Club Winston yesterday dressed like some sort of lumberjack prostitute. Have you ever seen anybody so starved for attention? Everybody else in the car is just talking with each other and Lindsay's striking poses. If you ever need to defeat her in battle just pull out a camera. Then when she starts posing and taking her clothes off sock her over the head with a bag filled with nickels. It'll work every time.
A few more of Lindsay Lohan and her legs after the jump.
Apr 24 2007Michelle Rodriguez's face is...I don't know
Splash NewsMichelle Rodriguez was spotted on Rodeo Drive leaving a salon looking like this. As if she wasn't horrifying enough to look at. It's like she's trying to scare small children. And aren't there laws against letting her walk down Rodeo Drive? It's like letting a wild bull loose in a museum. Or, you know, letting a really really ugly "woman" loose near some expensive stores.
Apr 24 2007Rosie O'Donnell still obsessed with Donald
Rosie O'Donnell dropped the F-bomb while hosting the Matrix Awards in front of New York's most accomplished women in media yesterday and concluded a rant about Donald Trump by grabbing her crotch and shouting, "Eat me!" Rosie's publicist said:
O'Donnell's publicist, Cindi Berger, told us: "When you ask for Rosie, you know what you're getting. She's not a shrinking violet. She's a stand-up comedienne. She says things that are provocative."
Seeing Rosie O'Donnell grab her crotch and shout "Eat me!" pretty much tops my list of things I never want to do. Right up there with arm wrestle an octopus. They've got eight, man! Why even try?
Apr 24 2007Britney Spears shows off her body
Britney Spears was spotted at Millennium Dance Studio showing off her new body. There's some major sucking in going on here, but are those, yes, I think they are. Those are abs! I pictured her stomach as a giant vat of jelly, so this is a pleasant surprise. As is this shot of her gigantic booty. Not sure what's going on with the cowboy boots though. She's either getting ready to dance or getting ready to ride a horse off into the sunset. Or both. What am I, psychic?
A ton more of Britney Spears and her new body after the jump.
Apr 24 2007Shanna Moakler posts Paris and Lindsay's info
Shanna Moakler posted Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan's contact information on her MySpace over the weekend, writing:
"I posted this blog back in January to let you all know that my accounts were hacked. ... and since there are 2 little girls with to much time on their hands and no one to love them....id like to share my 'hacked' info as well. ive tried to disassociate myself from both these parties for some time now and like a fungus they wont go away." The posting then listed what she claimed were the e-mail address and phone number for Hilton and e-mail addresses for Lohan.
Paris' rep Elliot Mintz responded to the post, saying:
"This woman is simply desperate for press and attention. Shanna deliberately posted Paris's phone number and e-mail address on her Web site. It was an unprovoked invasion upon Paris's privacy, which immediately caused her to change her contact information. It was a childish, mean-spirited thing to do. And we are not going to dignify such an action with any additional comment."
Jesus, they're all children. I'm surprised they haven't started spreading rumors the others have cooties. They could run up to them, pinch them, and run away while yelling "Slut!" and come off sounding more mature. And just cause, here's Paris Hilton buying a parakeet dressed like she just busted out of prison.
Apr 24 2007Joe Francis serving time, going nuts
Joe Francis plead guilty to criminal contempt yesterday and will be fined $5,010 and serve 35 days in jail, minus time served. Additionally, he's reportedly going crazy and breaking down because his ward-mate - a convicted cop killer - keeps taunting him and shouting: "Girls Gone Wild! Joe Francis! Whoo!"
Last week, said Dyer, Francis missed the medication cart and "went into a full-blown anxiety attack."
I almost feel sorry for this guy. And by almost I mean not at all. He could be an orphan who got sick trying to help the homeless, and right when my heart was about to break I'd see a picture of his face and scream: "Give him the chair!" Then people would explain to me he isn't set to be executed and I'd pause, put my finger to my mouth, and reply: "Gas chamber?"
Apr 23 2007Paris Hilton and K-Fed get it on
There must be some sort of secret celebrity douche club I don't know about, because Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton were spotted partying together at Tao last Friday. Paris was with her boyfriend Josh Henderson though, so hopefully she and K-Fed weren't doing anything too horrifying. Can you imagine if these two actually did get together? Their kids would come out with flippers instead of arms. And I'm not sure if it's possible to have a negative IQ, but man would they try.
Apr 23 2007Fergie looks like real live girl
Fergie showed up to the Class of Hope Prom 2007 looking like an actual female woman. I don't know if she's wearing a mask or makeup or what, but looking at her doesn't make me instantly want to shield my crotch. Although to be fair, I'm used to her looking like this. She could've grown a second nose out of her forehead and it probably would've been an improvement.
Apr 23 2007Ivanka Trump looks sharp
Ivanka Trump showed up to Good Morning with Mike and Juliette at Fox New York City wearing a gigantic wrinkled suit. I don't know which thought horrifies me more, that she's actually wearing her dad's suit or that this thing actually fits her. If she showed up to a meeting dressed like this everybody would think she was representing some sort of clown college.
Apr 23 2007Jaime Pressly says sexy things
Jaime Pressly says she's excited for the birth of her first child next month, but is freaked about the way her thighs and chest are ballooning. She tells Redbook:
"These little saddlebags on the side of me right now - I've never had anything like that. And my boobs are completely out of control. When my milk comes in, I'm going to be able to feed a small village."
Oh yeah, baby. Now that's how you talk sexy. I think it's illegal to be as aroused as I am right now. The last time I heard somebody talk this hot was listening to one of Al Gore's speeches on global warming.
Apr 23 2007Jennifer Tilly's see-through dress
Jennifer Tilly showed up to the grand opening of The Pearl concert theater wearing this ridiculous dress. And maybe I'm just losing my mind, but are parts of her dress actually made from see-through plastic? Like the stuff old people cover their couches with? Who the hell put this together? If anybody asked who they were wearing, other celebrities would answer Gucci and Versace and Jennifer Tilly would say: "My grandma made this out of her sofa."
Apr 23 2007Jennifer Lopez gets paid money
Jennifer Lopez is reportedly being paid $2 million to sing at a birthday party being thrown by a Russian tycoon for his wife. Andrei Melnichenko - worth close to $5 billion - is paying JLo $1.2 million plus $800,000 for expenses for 40 minutes of singing.
"Andrei and Aleksandra are both very great fans of J. Lo, so Andrei put the call in and personally put the offer to [Lopez,]" a source told London's Daily Mail. "She accepted immediately. She will sing for about 40 minutes - not bad money for the work."
$2 million for 40 minutes comes out to $50,000 per minute. For that kind of money she better be doing the whole thing naked. Or flying around in a rocket pack. If she just stands up there and sings I think Andrei Melnichenko is required by law to let a tiger loose on her.
