Apr 20 2007Mischa Barton can't dress herself
I'm not a fashion expert or anything, but having functioning eyes makes me more qualified to dress somebody than Mischa Barton. She looks like she had an old woman put together a superhero outfit from clothes she found in the garbage. She and Jessica Simpson should get together and start a "women who dress like they're 100-years-old" club. And at every meeting they could like, I dunno, tuck their boobs into their pants or something.
Apr 20 2007Alec Baldwin leaves angry messages
If you haven't already heard it, this is the message Alec Baldwin left on his 11-year-old daughter's voice mail. I don't get what everybody's making such a big deal over. This sounds like a pretty normal father daughter conversation. Although I am surprised he lets her out of the cage long enough to use a phone.
UPDATE: In the shocker of all shockers, Alec Baldwin has apologized for the message on his official site. Although it's less of an apology and more of an self-justification. He writes:
"Thank you to everyone who has posted messages of suppport and understanding. Naturally, it is not best for a parent to lose their temper with their child. Everyone who knows me privately knows that I have endured a great deal over the last several years in my custody litigation.Everyone who knows me privately knows that certain people will go to any lengths to embarass me and to disrupt my relationship with my daughter. In such public cases, your opponents attempt to take a picture of you on your worst day and insist that this is who you are as a person.
Outside the doors of divorce court, I have friends, I have respect from people I work with and I have a normal relationship with my daughter. All of that is threatened whenever one enters a court room.
Although I have been told by numerous people not to worry too much, as all parents lose their patience with their kids, I am most saddened that this was released to the media because of what it does to a child.
I'm sorry, as everyone who knows me is aware, for losing my temper with my child. I have been driven to the edge by parental alienation for many years now. You have to go through this to understand. ( Although I hope you never do.)
I am sorry for what happened. But I am equally sorry that a court order was violated, which had deliberately been put under seal in this case. Once my book is published, I'm sure more people will understand the incredible strains created by parental alienation.
In the meantime, I'm sorry to anyone who's taken offense from this episode."
Apr 20 2007Paris Hilton and James Blunt get it on
Looks like Paris Hilton has already split with Josh Henderson. She and James Blunt hooked up Wednesday night and were spotted making out at club Teddy's. A source says:
"They were all over each other. They both ended up back at Paris' house."
I always wondered how James Blunt managed to score with Petra Nemcova, and apparently it was all part of an elaborate hoax set up by God. I can already picture God sitting in his office dreaming up his plan: "I'll make him a famous musician. Then I'll give him millions of dollars. Then I'll give him Petra Nemcova. And then *cracking up* and then I'll put him together with Paris Hilton *laughing hysterically* and when his penis falls off I'll jump out from behind the clouds and scream 'Punk'd!'"
Apr 20 2007Britney Spears is mad at dad
Britney Spears' father, Jamie Spears, is siding with Britney's manager Larry Rudolph for doing what needed to be done. Rudolph was fired last Friday because Britney was pissed he forced her into rehab, and Britney's dad sent an email to Page Six defending him, writing:
"When Larry Rudolph talked Britney into going into rehab, he was doing what her mother, father and team of professionals with over 100 years of experience knew needed to be done. She was out of control. Larry was the one chosen by the team to roll up his sleeves and deliver the message, to help save her life. The Spears family would like to publicly apologize to Larry for our daughter's statements about him over the past few weeks. Unfortunately, she blames him and her family for where she is at today with her kids and career. Larry has always been there for Britney. For this, we will forever be grateful to him."
In response, Britney said via her rep:
"I am praying for my father. We have never had a good relationship. It's sad that all the men that have been in my life do not know how to accept a real woman's love. I am concentrating on my work and my life right now."
Why don't they just have a knife fight and get over it already? That's how I solve all my conflicts. And, sure, I'm wanted in all 50 states and most of Europe, but at least I'm not fighting with my dad through a newspaper.
Apr 19 2007Jessica Alba flashes her panties
Jessica Alba was spotted flashing her panties in a see through dress while shooting a commercial for Revlon with Ellen von Unwerth. Unfortunately she's wearing the least flattering underwear possible. I think my grandma owns the same pair, only hers is -- wait did I just imply I've seen my grandma in her underwear? Aaaauugghghgg! *shoves a spoon into my eye*
EDIT: I'm moving this up since it's way more fun to look at than Lindsay Lohan's possibly fake MySpace messages.
Apr 19 2007UPDATE: Lindsay Lohan gets hacked
Lindsay Lohan's MySpace (http://www.myspace.com/privacycunt) was hacked and her private messages from her Gmail, MySpace, and BlackBerry accounts were posted. The hacker claims they were hired by Paris Hilton's camp and says they're going to put up a website with more content soon. Included in the messages are emails between Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton, Shanna Moakler, Samantha Ronson, and Stavros Niarchos.
For a small example of the insanity that is these people's lives, check out this exchange between Lindsay and Paris or this exchange between her and Shanna. And yeah, Lindsay's MySpace is Privacy Cunt. If somebody could invent a way to punch people through computer monitors this would be the best day ever.
UPDATE: Apparently these are fake. Lohan's rep says: "She doesn't have a MySpace page. Someone created one and they post things. It's not her. This happened before."
Apr 19 2007Donald Trump sends disgusting presents
Donald Trump is still trying to stir up trouble with Rosie O'Donnell and sent Barbara Walters a set of gigantic black underwear Rosie wore in the movie Exit to Eden. The girdle-like outfit ("a bustier" and "a giant pair of panties") was bought at a charity auction by a fan who had it framed under glass and delivered to Trump.
"I sent it to Barbara to hang in her office because I didn't want it in mine. It was funny, except that it was really gross. It's disgusting," Trump told Page Six. "I feel sorry for [Rosie's] wife. It can't be pleasant."
Who's going to auctions buying up Rosie O'Donnell's used underwear? A bucket of cow manure sounds more pleasant. And how did they manage to frame this thing? By my calculations, to fit her underwear they would need a frame roughly the size of the entire world.
Apr 19 2007Akon goes nuts
Akon performed at Zen nightclub in Port of Spain last Thursday and managed to con some girls into dancing on stage by telling them they were entering a contest to win a trip to Africa. And somehow that little ruse turned into the above video of him dry humping a 14-year-old girl on stage. I'm just glad he kept it tasteful, because there's so many ways this could've come off poorly.
Thanks to everybody that sent this in.
Apr 19 2007Naomi Campbell pokes fun at herself
Naomi Campbell introduced the Pussycat Dolls at their Cipriani Wall Street Concert Series show Tuesday and managed to laugh at herself by joking:
"I invite you all to please put your phones away - off the table - so I can't get to them."
My God they taught it to feel. Now they just need to remove its crippling strength and it might actually pass for a human being. Unlike that thing I built in my basement. Sewing up cadavers is less scientifically sound than you might think.
Apr 18 2007Britney Spears still getting work done
Splash NewsBritney Spears has lost 12 pounds since leaving rehab, and people are speculating it might be from a series of shots which melt away fat since she was spotted at a LipoDissolve clinic in Las Vegas. Additionally, just a few days before visiting LipoDissolve, Britney also visited a celebrity dentist to get the Zoom whitening treatment.
Whatever she's doing she should keep it up. She was spotted at Millenium Dance Studio looking almost like her old self. In another six months she'll probably be more robot than human, but as long as she looks good who cares. Besides, I've always wanted to see what a cyborg vagina looks like.
A ton more of Britney in her short skirt after the jump.
Apr 18 2007Jean-Claude Van Damme gets erections
Ever seen Jean-Claude Van Damme dance on TV and get a public erection? You have now, my friends. And the future will never be the same.
Apr 18 2007Jessica Simpson wears really cool pants
Jessica Simpson was spotted at Cabo Cantina without a bra on and wearing what appears to be her grandmother's pants. She actually used to be hot, right? It wasn't just some wonderful dream I had? Because looking at her now, I can't even wrap my mind around it. I'm pretty sure if you took a sample of her DNA it'd show she was slowly devolving into a monkey.
Apr 18 2007Lindsay Lohan leaves her water running
Last month Lindsay Lohan caused over $150,000 of water damage to her ex Harry Morton's condo when her own condo flooded on the floor above. And contrary to reports, the leak wasn't because of a faulty pipe, but because Lindsay Lohan had left the faucet running in her bathtub. And in a sort of related story, in an interview with Allure magazine Lohan says she feels like she plays the role of protector around her friends and family. She says:
"When my friends and family are around me I feel like they're safe ... When my friends have left me - I've just seen everything collapse. They're not safe without me."
I'd be feeling a lot of things if I was around Lindsay Lohan, but safe wouldn't be one of them. She left the water running in her damn bathtub. That only happens in movies and cartoons. I'm not even sure her brain is still functioning anymore. If you cut her head open you'd probably find a stuffed animal in there.
Apr 18 2007Paula Abdul gets denied
Paula Abdul reportedly went diva on a recent flight and demanded special treatment. A source tells Star:
"She pulled a major diva trip. The other passengers were not amused. She asked to be let on the plane and seated first." When Abdul was told that only young children, people with disabilities and the elderly were allowed to board early, she reportedly declared, "But I'm famous! I need to go on first!" A number of fellow passengers heard the exchange, and one shouted at her: "You're no Sanjaya! You have to board like everyone else." That, according to the source, prompted a round of laughter from the others - except Abdul. Once boarding began, Abdul pushed her way in front of the rest of the passengers so that she did get on first, and tried to keep the seat next to her empty, telling others it was taken. Finally, a flight attendant told her she had to give up the seat because the flight was full. Abdul kept her head bowed and reportedly was "twitchy" during much of the trip.
This sounds completely made-up, even for Paula Abdul. Plus the source is Star, so that doesn't help much either. You'd get more reliable reporting from some scribbles on a Post-It note you found in the trash.
Apr 18 2007Cameron Diaz forgets her bra
Cameron Diaz was spotted in Hollywood without her bra on, which might be a bigger deal if she actually had breasts. Although she's looking pretty good for somebody whose mouth was once classified by NASA to be "Super Really Gigantic." Yeah, I'm pretty sure that was the scientifiic term they used.
NOTE: Remember when Cameron Diaz used to look like this? Ahh those were good times. And by good times I mean I spent my nights clutching my pillow in fear, afraid she would come through my window and eat me.
Apr 18 2007Will Ferrell in The Landlord
If you haven't already seen this, it's a short video made by Will Ferrell to help promote his YouTube competitor, Funny or Die. Don't ask me why Will Ferrell is trying to compete with YouTube because I couldn't tell you. I guess bathing in piles of your own money gets pretty boring after awhile. As does my hobby: beating up rhinoceroses with my bare hands and using their horns to kill terrorists. Talk about Yawnsville.
EDIT: I moved the video after the jump because it kept auto playing.
Apr 18 2007Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart are engaged
Harrison Ford has reportedly asked Calista Flockhart to marry him after five years together. And if you have your doubts, the story gets even more suspicious considering he allegedly proposed on April Fool's Day.
Flockhart, who is more than 20 years younger than Ford, apparently took some convincing that it wasn't a joke, but is said to be thrilled at the prospect of a wedding.
I didn't even know these two were still together. I always thought their relationship was just some publicity stunt gone horribly wrong. Oh well, sucks for Calista. Indiana Jones is cool and all, but she might as well be marrying her grandfather. Or, you know, a giant bag filled with dust.
Apr 17 2007Jessica Simpson's nipple busts out
Splash NewsJessica Simpson was spotted bar hopping in Hollywood, apparently wearing Paris Hilton's new bra. Only her massive breasts must've been too much to handle because her right nipple was fighting its way out. Like Paris, though, Jessica's cleavage is the only thing that's saving her here. Her face looks rough as hell. At first I thought it was a Jessica Simpson look-alike. And then I thought it was a gorilla. And then I thought it was Dr. Phil. But to be fair, I had gotten bored of looking at her and was watching TV instead. And by TV I mean porn. Yeah, that's right, hot Dr. Phil porn. Chica-bow-wow.
One hundred million billion more pictures after the jump. A few are slightly NSFW so tread carefully.
Apr 17 2007Britney Spears flashes her panties
Britney Spears was spotted at Parc over the weekend flashing her panties. And apparently instead of showing up in clothes she decided she'd just tape a pillow case to herself. Classy and economical. Just like that tuxedo I made out of cardboard and black spray paint.
Apr 17 2007Katie Holmes is paranoid, cheap
Katie Holmes called the cops last Thursday after she spotted a pair of photographers on her way to Target and got spooked. The cops escorted her inside and trailed her as she browsed for clothes for herself and Suri.
I don't know what's more bizarre, that she got local cops to escort her shopping, or that she shops for clothes at Target. Or that she wears stilts when she goes out for coffee. Seriously, what the hell is going on here? It's like her life went from being circus-like to literally becoming a circus. She probably goes home to a giant orange tent where she and Tom Cruise practice trapeze acts.
Apr 17 2007Paris Hilton still has magical breasts
Splash NewsParis Hilton and her new boytoy Josh Henderson, were spotted at Saddle Ranch getting dinner. And I thnk I finally figured out why she's trying so hard to inflate her boobs. Either she got mistaken for a dude one too many times or she finally bought a mirror and saw her face. When she's not wearing her magic bra, people on the street probably think they're a gay couple. And when she does wear her magic bra, uh, people still think they're a gay couple. Seriously, what's up with this Josh Henderson character? His name says man but his face says pretty daffodil girl.
Apr 17 2007John Travolta is delusional
Splash NewsJohn Travolta is getting senile in his old age and says he's as big a star as Elvis Presley and Marilyn Monroe, but didn't die like them because of his values and religion. He says:
"I have fame on the level of a Marilyn Monroe or an Elvis, but part of the reason I didn't go the way they did was because of my beliefs. People make judgments about it [Scientology], but often they don't know what they're talking about. I would advise anyone who wants to know about it to read up on it. We [the Church of Scientology] are only getting bigger and we help people all over the world, from disaster zones to drug rehabilitation. We were having a problem in Germany [where some critics called Scientology a money-making entity rather than a religion]. I talked to [former president Bill] Clinton who talked to Chancellor Kohl and things have improved since then."
John Travolta believing in anything is the exact reason why I don't. On my list of most horrifying things, becoming John Travolta is number one. I wear a bracelet that says WWJTD, and whenever I'm about to do something I think, "Would John Travolta do this?" And if he would, I do the exact opposite. Which works well for things like believing in Scientology, but I haven't had a cup of water in over eight years.
Apr 17 2007Pamela Anderson confused about her hotness
On her personal blog, Pamela Anderson addresses these bikini pictures from Hawaii, laughing at herself and saying she thought she looked hotter in her own mind. She writes:
I've just been sent some pics from Hawaii - I have to laugh - well at least the world knows I don't get botox - ha!...I'm much hotter in my mind - (I swear I look better) - then again I hardly check a mirror before I go outside - may start doing that more. I may have to start working out too though - genes and gymnastics have gotten me this far. I just refuse to let these paparazzi ruin my time or my lifestyle in general with my children - I'm not going to spend time putting makeup on or staying covered up on the beach - it's definitely surreal though - I think I look alright but everywhere you turn you have a camera in your face - up you butt - it's crazy - too many tabloids - must be running out of stuff to print...I'm a semi-retired single mom - hello?
I didn't even realize the pictures were unflattering. Other than the deformed boobs she looks pretty decent for a 39-year-old. And me? Well I look spectacular for a 104-year-old. I'm going to live forever!
Apr 16 2007Jenna Jameson weighed 92 pounds
Jenna Jameson says she's trying to gain back the weight she's lost and at her lowest point she weighed just 92 pounds. She says:
"I got pretty skinny for a little bit. My lightest was about 92 pounds. I ate today!" Then on her way home, one of Jenna's friends handed her a corndog, to which she announced, "I love hot dogs on a stick. So fucking sexy!"
Keep in mind she's 5 foot 7 inches, so at 92 pounds that's basically the weight of her skeleton. I don't know what she was aiming for, but that's the average weight of a 13-year-old girl. Picture having sex with a broom and it'd probably be just as hot.
Apr 16 2007Paris Hilton losing her mind to Firecrotch
Paris Hilton is apparently losing her mind. She arrived alone at Les Deux a week ago Friday and met up with her sister Nicky, but as she was leaving she started chanting "Firecrotch" to herself. A source says:
"But as Paris was about to leave, she started saying ‘firecrotch' to herself - but loudly - so everyone around her could hear. And she wasn't saying it to anybody - she was all by herself. She was practically chanting it!"
To be fair, randomly chanting your archenemy's nickname to yourself isn't weird at all. And neither is secretly photographing them and cutting out their eyes. Or gluing the eyeless photos to dolls and putting on a private puppet show for yourself. No, if that were weird I'd probably have a pretty serious problem on my hands.
Apr 16 2007Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee hit the beach again
Pamela Anderson was spotted in her bikini at the beach with Tommy Lee again over the weekend. Which might have been more interesting if anybody cared about Pamela Anderson. At least her boobs still look like tumors. My number one complaint of boobs has always been that that they don't have enough extra lumps in them. And ripples. Hot rippling action is the sign of a quality boob.
A ton more of Pamela Anderson and her possibly fake breasts after the jump.
Continue Reading "Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee hit the beach again"
Apr 16 2007Britney Spears' message to the public
Do I detect a hint of sarcasm? Maybe just a smidgen? I know this is her trying to be clever, but she just comes off sounding like an idiot. Being clever only works if you have a brain, and not a cartoon drawing of a turtle where your brain should be.
Apr 16 2007Avril Lavigne still jealous of Britney
Avril Lavigne is taking more shots at Britney Spears, saying Britney could avoid the press if she really wanted to, and that she doesn't get as much attention as Britney because she wants it that way.
"The press isn't all over me like that. She's probably one of the people who can't control it. But if you don't want it, you could get away from it. I don't want my picture taken all the time." Lavigne added that she and her hubby, musician Deryck Whibley, aren't tabloid targets because they avoid the press. "If you want to be a tabloid couple, go around every red carpet in L.A., go to The Ivy for lunch. We don't do any of that. To us, it's cheesy. It's lame."
It's funny that Avril Lavigne actually believes she doesn't get as much attention as Britney Spears because she's being crafty and avoiding the press. She could put on an old-fashioned general's hat and start telling everybody she was Napoleon and she'd come off less delusional.
