Apr 13 2007Britney Spears tries on hats
You know it's a slow news day when I'm stuck posting about Britney Spears trying on hats. Seriously, what is this? At least with Britney you know she'll pull some stupid shit, like trying on a hat on top of a hat. My three-year-old cousin is smarter than this. Hell, the neighbor's puppy she plays with on weekends is smarter than this. And he eats his own poo.
A ton more of Britney Spears and her straw hat after the jump, including one of her spilling out of her top.
Apr 13 2007Brooke Hogan is ashamed of her stomach
Brooke Hogan was spotted in her sports bra on Lincoln Road in Miami. I've never seen somebody sucking in so hard before in my entire life. Which is completely unnecessary since nobody is expecting her to be skinny or feminine. She's Hulk Hogan's daughter. As long as she doesn't weigh 300lbs and grow a beard she'll be considered a success.
Apr 13 2007Paris Hilton flashes her panties
Nice eye liner there, Paris. My only recommendation would be to consider using makeup next time, and not permanent marker.
Apr 13 2007Courtney Love denies getting surgery
Courtney Love is denying the rumors she lost weight through gastric-band surgery. She writes on her website:
i couldnt get that suregry iof i begged for it
FDA says you have to have a BMI of above 40 and that equals at least being 100 pounds overweight at least other wsie its ILLEGAL.
I know spmeone who troed to get that shit and no dr would give it to her an dhse was pudgier than i was, its total utter shite, i lost weightthe hard way and people cant accept it,whwnever ANYONE loses weight by determintaion and grit fast its suspect i got muyinspirationf rom Oprah losing so much weight on Slim Fast,. thats how i did it, thio sis nonsesne my breath is great and i dont "vomit inot a towel" it sjust cynical crazy bullshit,
i started weight training three days go to get rid of the saggy ass and loose tummy i pln on hving perrrfect six pack by summer, and be extra strong so when i play shows ill be strong nd not weak,
Thizs is bullshit as is the tummy tuck rumour or the 200k in liopo rumpur ( you dont lose eoght all over from lipo) ( noone loses more than 15 lbs from lipo ever they "resculpt") thi sisjust nnoying gross BULLSHIT. from people who cant lose wieght through ld fashioned discipline but dont think for second if it was legal i wouldnt think bout it sure i would but losing ll you rintesines doesnt appeal to me and im ton macro so i dont get cancer ( i kno wthe smnoking hs to go) banding s supposed to up your vchances for colon cancer as well as other terroble health problems,
again this is BULLSHIT. i worked my ss off and m always fucking hingry though ive gotten used to it, bno dr in the world would give me gastric bypass or gastric banding i dont meet the pproval of ny western country , it would be illegal and im[ossible fvor me to find dr to perform this surgery on me.
zso thats THAT.
Jealous Cynical people who anta cceopt that somneone cn lose alot of weight the old fshioned wy ive exercised mya ss off obv iously not enough in my stomach but xdone tons and tons aof cardio, so enough said on this nonsense jealous cynical lie.
good night.
I thought Lindsay Lohan had trouble writing, but this is ridiculous. It's like somebody moved around the keys on her keyboard and then punched her really hard in the head right before she started typing. How is this supposed to convince anybody of anything? It's like she was trying to type with her face.
Apr 13 2007Kate Moss officially engaged to Pete Doherty
At a gig last night, Pete Doherty confirmed he and Kate Moss are engaged when he dedicated a song to her and referred to her as his fiance. Which is basically the only explanation for this picture taken afterwards. If I just realized I was engaged to Pete Doherty I'd try to jump out a window too. Although I probably wouldn't do it backwards while smoking. When failure means having to marry Pete Doherty, you better make sure you get the job done. Like have somebody shoot you as you're falling and then push a piano out the window after you.
Apr 13 2007Joe Francis tries his hand at bribery
Joe Francis is having a really bad week. First he was arrested on Tuesday for criminal contempt, then on Wednesday he was indicted for tax evasion, and now he's being charged with bribing a jail guard and possessing prescription medications in his cell.
According to court records in Florida, Francis offered the guard $100 for a bottle of water on Wednesday evening. When guard turned him down, Francis showed him $500, investigators said. Jail inmates are not allowed to have cash. Supervisors then searched Francis's cell and discovered 16 prescription medications, including Lunesta - a sleeping pill - and the anti-anxiety medication lorazepam, court records show ... He wept as his mother blew him a kiss as he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.
That has to be the saddest bribe in the history of bribes. $500 for a bottle of water? Other prisoners are trying to score drugs and weapons, and this guy wants a bottle of water. He might as well put flowers in his hair and wear a sign on his back that says 'Insert Here' with an arrow pointing down.
Apr 13 2007Katie Holmes' face is, uh, I don't even know
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes were eating at Mastro's restaurant in Beverly Hills, but when they tried to leave they couldn't get their vintage car to start in front of all the photographers. Although that doesn't really explain the look on Katie Holmes' face. I don't even know what that look is. It's not embarrassment or humiliation, it's "I'm transforming into a scarecrow!"
Apr 12 2007Leonardo DiCaprio can't get Bar Refaeli pregnant
The Mirror reported today that Bar Refaeli is pregnant with Leonardo DiCaprio's baby, and friends of Bar say the two are "delighted" by the news. The pregnancy speculation began last month when Bar wore a loose-fitting top to a party at Jet Nightclub in Las Vegas and only drank mineral water all night. However, a rep for DiCaprio says the story is "totally BS" and "100 percent made up bollocks."
You know, Leonardo DiCaprio went out with Gisele Bundchen and he didn't get her pregnant either. Two supermodel girlfriends and neither of them pregnant? It's starting to sound suspiciously like he doesn't have a penis. Or if he does, I think he's required by law to turn it in.
NOTE: It's not the most spectacular outfit ever, but I don't think it's fair to call somebody pregnant just because they show up to a party wearing this. Blind maybe, but not pregnant. She's dressed like she's meeting somebody for a lunch at Arby's, not heading to a Vegas nightclub.
Apr 12 2007Hayden Panettiere licks her friend's boob
This picture of Hayden Panettiere licking her friend's boob has been making the rounds on the internet. I have no idea what's going on but I'm pretty sure it's illegal to think about. She's, what, 17-years-old? If you're a guy and you looked at this the police are already on their way over.
Apr 12 2007Alessandra Ambrosio again for no reason
I know you guys are getting sick of Alessandra Ambrosio, but I figure you'd rather look at somebody you're sick of than somebody that actually makes you sick. Although I'm not sure anything can stand up to Courtney Love's stomach. She tries her best, but compared to Courtney Love Alessandra comes off looking like some sort of three-legged rat creature. I mean seriously, appearing in a post after Courtney Love? She's just embarrassing herself.
NOTE: This is the last Alessandra post, I promise. Unless more pictures of her come out in which case just kidding.
Apr 12 2007Courtney Love had surgery
Courtney Love says she lost all her weight through diet and exercise, but a friend claims that isn't entirely true. The source says:
"She's telling people she got the gastric band surgery. She even said she had to sleep with a towel by her because the surgery makes her [vomit] all the time and is worried she won't be able to make out with anyone because of her breath." But a rep for Love, who says she's dragged him to healthy macrobiotic restaurants, insists, "Not true. She says she never got surgery."
This is shocking shocking stuff. You mean she didn't produce that flappy body naturally? I can't even believe it. I mean look at that stomach. It looks so natural. To think anybody touched that is just...no...I don't believe it. I won't believe it. *runs sobbing down the hall and hides in the closet*
Apr 12 2007Britney Spears had work done
Star magazine is reporting that Britney Spears has gotten a ton of work done to help get ready for her comeback.
Gone to church, dabbled in bulimia and now heavy into light lipo. It's more a cooking session. You heard of Tomato Reduction? We're talking Britney Reduction. Shrinking her size 6 to size 2. Since surgery requires drugs, this addictive rehab alumna is - per Star magazine's current issue - into soybean anti-fat injections. Stuffing tofu up her tutu means Vegas, six weeks, 12 sessions, $130,000. Then she's on to BevHills doc Raj Kanodia, who reshaped Jennifer Aniston's and Ashley Simpson's noses and so shies from publicity that he actually spelled his name for me. Then she's getting rid of those crappy tattoos.
Don't ask me why the New York Post is writing their articles like a shopping list because I couldn't tell you. They could replace everything they wrote with "magic" and it'd be just as interesting to me. Although this is clearly the best Britney Spears has looked in a long time. Compared to how she used to look her regiment could consist of hitting herself in the face with a frying pan and it still probably would've been an improvement.
Apr 12 2007Alessandra Ambrosio promotes something or another
Alessandra Ambrosio kicked off the launch of a four day Victoria's Secret event in Miami yesterday called "Get Sexy, Miami." Which isn't really news, but it's been medically proven that waking up to Alessandra Ambrosio is one of the best way to start off a morning. Right after finding a giant bag of money or, at number one, looking in the mirror and discovering that you're me.
A ton more of Alessandra Ambrosio after the jump.
Continue Reading "Alessandra Ambrosio promotes something or another"
Apr 12 2007Madonna might adopt another baby
Madonna is allegedly heading back to Malawi this weekend to look at adopting another baby. A sourcce says:
"She's going to Africa on Saturday, and on Sunday her family will be one bigger."
Her rep denies the claim, saying:
"Madonna is going to Africa to continue her work with the Raising Malawi organization. She is overseeing the building of a children's health-care center. She is absolutely not adopting another baby."
The last time she tried adopting she ended up basically kidnapping a child that wasn't even an orphan. If she tries adopting again she'll probably come back to the United States and somehow have adopted a 37-year-old father of two. Or a cantaloupe with the word "baby" written on it.
Apr 12 2007Joe Francis doesn't pay taxes
Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis was arrested Tuesday in Florida for contempt of court, and now he's been indicted on charges of tax evasion. He allegedly deducted more than $20 million in false business expenses and used offshore bank accounts to conceal income. He could face up to 10 years in prison and fines of $500,000.
Now here's a man that's lead a life to be proud of. When I'm mentoring children at the local elementary school I always tell them to use Joe Francis as a role model. And then when they ask about Abraham Lincoln or Jesus I slap in the face and violently shake them as I scream "Girls Gone Wild!" Although for some reason the school asked me never to return. I suspect it's because I'm too good looking.
Apr 11 2007Kylie Minogue's face looks different
Kylie Minogue showed up to the Chinese H&M opening looking like some sort of fembot. This is what a mad scientist would put together if he was asked to kill Austin Powers. She looks like she should have sparks shooting out of her ears and a speech balloon saying: "Destroy all humans!"
Apr 11 2007Paris Hilton makes ugly faces
Paris Hilton and Josh Henderson showed up to Complex Magazine's 5th Anniversary Party at Area last night. And it looks like they were having some sort of contest to see who could make me want to punch them in the face harder. Paris wins, but only because Josh looks like he's asleep. Who makes faces like this? I'm pretty sure Paris practices her looks, but how could she do this in front of a mirror and go, "Yeah, that's the one right there." To make this remotely newsworthy, Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie reportedly administered enemas at a wellness camp for their new season of The Simple Life. Although I bet that wasn't the first time they were ever a pain in somebody's ass. Zing! Clever!
A few more of Paris and Josh posing for the camera after the jump.
Apr 11 2007Jennifer Aniston has hard nipples
Jennifer Aniston was spotted at the Creative Artist Agency with her nipples poking through her shirt. It isn't nearly as sexy or interesting as it sounds, which is even more impressive considering it didn't sound that sexy or interesting to begin with. She's about as sexually appealing as an encyclopedia. And not some sexy encyclopedia either. Just the regular kind with words. Boring words.
Apr 11 2007Pamela Anderson wears her bikini
Pamela Anderson was spotted with Tommy Lee at the beach in Hawaii recently. Her face is starting to melt, but she still looks pretty good for a 39-year-old. And by pretty good I mean her breasts are looking more deformed than ever. It looks like her plastic surgeon went in and swapped out the silicone with Play-Doh. Squeezing a giant block of Silly Putty would be more fun. Probably feel more realistic too.
A ton more of Pamela Anderson with Tommy Lee after the jump.
Apr 11 2007Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt buy really expensive yacht
Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt have reportedly commissioned a 280-foot-long Italian luxury yacht for $268 million. The yacht will have a swimming pool, a heliport, and a submarine, and is expected for delivery in 2009.
There's conflicting reports about how much the yacht actually costs (between $140 to $268 million), but all the numbers sound way too high. Even combined I don't think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are worth that much. And if they are, after the yacht they'll have, oh, about zero dollars left. I don't know how glamorous their relationshp is gonna be when pictures start surfacing of them stealing from homeless people and eating piles of dirt.
Apr 11 2007Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony separating?
OK! magazine is saying Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony are calling it quits because Anthony is too "controlling" and "suffocating" his wife.
Despite marriage counseling, the couple "had a huge argument" last summer, causing Lopez to flee to a friend's New York apartment. Another argument came in December. Instead of spending New Year's Eve together, the mag reports, Lopez came to a Miami party solo. "Marc expected Jennifer to follow him back to New York and beg for forgiveness, but she didn't," a friend tells OK! "Marc is very machismo," the mag quotes a source as saying. "Marc won't let her even do a photo shoot by herself. He is always there watching, waiting." At a Golden Globes party, "Marc [dragged] Jennifer away after spotting her dancing with another man. He has also insisted that Jennifer sell her beloved Miami home and the Los Angeles house where they wed."
I doubt this is true, but I like that they make Marc Anthony sound like some sort of jungle cat. It's not bad enough he looks the way he does, they have to describe him as an insane psycho person. It's like they copy and pasted an article about Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes and just replaced all the names.
UPDATE: JLo's rep is strongly denying the OK! magazine article, saying it's "a disgusting story full of lies. We're consulting lawyers."
Apr 10 2007Larry Birkhead is the father
Dannielynn's DNA test was released today and Larry Birkhead is officially the father. Howard K. Stern, who was listed as the father on the birth certificate, says he won't fight for custody and will do everything in his power to make sure Larry Birkhead gets full custody.
"I hate to be the one who told you this, but: I told you so," Birkhead, 34, said during a press conference outside the Bahamas courthouse. "I'm the father."
We're almost done with this ridiculous saga. All that's left is the issue of Anna Nicole Smith's possible fortune and who gets it. Stern was named the trustee for Daniel if Anna died, and no provisions were made for Dannielynn. If Anna ends up getting the $423 million from her late husband, that means whoever ends up being the trustee could get the 3% in trustee fees ($12.6 million). But until then, let's never bring up these clowns or their soap opera lives ever again. Whenever I talk about them I always feel like I'm describing an episode of Scooby Doo.
UPDATE: This doesn't deserve its own post so I'm putting it here. This is the chick that's going to play Anna Nicole Smith in the movie about her life.
Apr 10 2007Charlotte Church is a tank
I know Charlotte Church is pregnant, but this is pushing the limits of human comprehension. If she puts on any more weight my brain won't even register that she's a person anymore. It'll just be, "Hey, why is that car wearing a bikini?"
Apr 10 2007Joe Francis gets arrested
Everybody's favorite douche bag, Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis, was arrested today at a Florida airport on a warrant for criminal comtempt of court. He was supposed to turn himself in after a judge ordered his arrest for changing the terms of a 2003 lawsuit settlement, but Francis missed the deadline and was picked up at the airport.
Nice mugshot, dude. This looks like it was taken on the set of Charles in Charge. If you zoomed out you'd see he was wearing a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles shirt and holding a My Little Pony lunch box.
Apr 10 2007Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian break up
Paris Hilton didn't show up to best friend Kim Kardashian's birthday party at Tao in Las Vegas last Friday and apparently it's because their egos are clashing. Kardashian didn't want to go clubbing in Paris' shadow and Paris is pissed that Kardashian is being called the New Paris. Kardashian's former publicist says:
"Even when I would talk to editors of magazines and other media outlets about featuring Kim, they would comment on how they are moving past Paris in hopes to bring someone fresh to the spotlight, like Kim." What's more, the former PR man claims that Paris Hilton's other ex-BFF, Britney Spears, broke off their friendship because she was worried about her image. He also claims that Spears wooed Kardashian. "Britney was in NYC and kept texting Kim to hang out and go bowling or something."
So is being called the New Paris a good thing? It's not like being compared to Leonardo DaVinci or Albert Einstein. I mean this is Paris Hilton. It'd be more flattering to be compared to a giant slab of salami.
Apr 10 2007Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds dating
Scarlett Johansson and Ryan Reynolds were spotted around New York City together over the weekend. On Friday they were seen being "very lovey-dovey" at the Azza lounge, on Saturday they were spotted at restaurant Odeon holding hands and laughing, and on Sunday they had a $135 prix fixe lunch at the Carlyle hotel.
This is a pretty big step up for Ryan Reynolds considering he was with Alanis Morissette for the past five years (three of those spent engaged). If he spends enough time with Scarlett Johansson he might actually remember what his penis is used for. Namely slapping people in the face and pretending it's a laser gun. Pew pew pew!
Apr 10 2007Kate Moss has fat friends
Kate Moss was spotted hanging out with indie singer Beth Ditto (right) after her band Gossip performed in LA. You know how girls have ugly friends so they feel like the pretty one? I think this is sort of like that, only Kate Moss has taken it to the extreme. It looks like they're chasing Kate down to eat her. Or sit on her. Or take a big dump on her. You know, just the usual fat-people stuff.
Apr 9 2007Katie Price is very lumpy
A pregnant Jordan aka Katie Price and her husband have been spotted all over Beverly Hills promoting her new show on E!. If you don't know who Jordan is, you will soon. For some reason the UK is sending America all its useless celebrities and for some reason America is giving them all reality TV shows. Which would be funny if it weren't so depressingly true. And if you need help recognizing her, she's the cartoon character of a woman that makes Pamela Anderson look flat.
One more of Jordan looking like she has three ginormous breasts after the jump.
Apr 9 2007Alessandra Ambrosio isn't ugly
Alessandra Ambrosio showed up to the Entourage Season 3 premiere last week looking like her usual ridiculous self. I read somewhere that if she's in the presence of ugly people for too long their faces melt off and they spontaneously combust. I think it was Scientific American. And you can't argue with science. You can, however, bare-knuckle box it if it insults your mom.
Apr 9 2007Paris Hilton flashes her bum
Paris Hilton was spotted with her ass hanging out and her normal-sized boobs. Which is almost as exciting as that one time I ordered regular fries and found a curly fry in there. That was the best day ever.
Apr 9 2007Jenna Jameson losing weight, fans
Splash NewsJenna Jameson disappointed fans at last weekend's Exxxotica when she left early because her line of fans was shorter than rival porn star Tera Patrick's. She was contractually supposed to show up for six hours in two days, but arrived late on both days and left 45 minutes early on the second day. A source says:
"When fans openly asked her about her [botched surgery] and why she was so thin, her people cut them off. But she shouldn't be standing in front of an old photo of herself when she's about 40 pounds skinnier than she was."
Jenna Jameson still has fans? I thought they either died of old age or replaced her with somebody hotter. Like a raccoon wearing a dress. Or a bowl of expired milk.
Apr 9 2007Brandon Davis has no friends
Brandon Davis showed up to the Details magazine party at producer Mary Parent's house, but when he was denied entrance "he started demanding that staffers get Stavros [Niarchos]" because he had apparently told Davis about the party and was already inside.
But when staffers found Niarchos, he begged them to tell Davis that he wasn't there, adding, "I didn't invite him here, and I don't really want to be around him." Niarchos then joined the other revelers. Davis eventually made such a fuss that he was allowed in - and Niarchos beelined to a Details editor to apologize, adding, "You know I would never bring him here."
You'd have to be insane to want to take responsibility for Brandon Davis. You'd also have to be insane to try and juggle bottles filled with your own urine. Somebody else's urine, sure. But your own? That's just crazy talk.
Apr 9 2007Kurt Russell got stabbed
Kurt Russell says he thought he was going to get his first kiss in third grade, but got stabbed instead, and even has the scar to prove it. He tells Men's Journal:
"I was in third grade, and ... I noticed this really hot chick hanging out under the bridge with her friend. She was probably 13, and there was this vibe about her, you know. She says, 'Hey, come here.' I think I'm going to get my first kiss. She lifts my shirt, then all of a sudden reaches into her bee hive, pulls out a penknife, and drags it about 6 inches across my stomach. It starts to bleed, and they haul ass. I was, like, 'What?' "
It must've been pretty hard living back in the Stone Age. Where girls pretended they were going to kiss you, but then stabbed you in the stomach instead. Call me old fashioned, but when a girl pretends they're going to kiss you that gives you the right to have sex with her. And if she resists, well that's just her being feisty. Rowr!
Apr 9 2007Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz get it on
Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz spent Saturday night kissing and cuddling at Parc in LA. An onlooker says:
"They definitely weren't hiding the fact that they were together. They were making out a lot and they were pretty intense."
I can't figure out which one is getting screwed in this relationship. It's like Gary Coleman dating Roseanne. Are you supposed to congratulate them or send your condolences? Or do what I do, and break the record for having the most sculpted abs in the universe.
