Apr 6 2007Jenna Jameson still skinny
Jenna Jameson and Tito Ortiz were spotted at Tao yesterday night. Remember when Jenna Jameson used to be hot and didn't look like an anorexic tranny? Those were good times. Simpler times. Times when men had handlebar mustaches and challenged each other to duels by slapping each other in the face with their glove. Plus nobody spoke and everything was in black and white. Yeah, my knowledge of history basically consists of whatever I saw in a movie one time.
A bunch more of Jenna Jameson growing a Tara Reid stomach after the jump.
Apr 6 2007Mary-Kate Olsen attracts a guy
Mary-Kate Olsen was spotted making out with her boyfriend Max Snow at a hockey game. I'm a little shocked he's an actual human being though. I always pictured her boyfriend to be some guys clothes stuffed with straw. Or a mop with a face drawn on. I wasn't aware there were actual living men willing to put their mouth to hers.
A bunch more of Mary-Kate making out after the jump.
Apr 6 2007Lindsay Lohan shows off her bra
Lindsay Lohan was spotted at Katsuya showing off her pistol necklace and bra. And when I say showing off I mean showing off. She has no idea how to be subtle. Most people don't have to prove they're wearing a bra, and if they do, they usually don't do it by just leaving their shirt completely unbuttoned. This is the kind of bitch that donates to charity with a press release and oversized novelty check, and then says: "I do it for the children." And yeah, that's a completely hypothetical scenario, because Lindsay Lohan's idea of charity is showing up to a soup kitchen and freaking out at the door because she was "almost raped by all the stinky hobos." And by soup kitchen I mean the JC Penney she thought was a soup kitchen.
Apr 6 2007Rosario Dawson and Rose McGowan pose naked
I'll only watch a movie if the female stars agree to pose naked wearing nothing but bullets. This is especially true if the movie stars Rosie O'Donnell and Kathy Bates. And by especially true I mean not true at all. Because that would be the day all the penises on Earth died.
Apr 6 2007Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber bump up marriage
Naomi Watts and Liev Schreiber are getting married soon because Naomi doesn't want their unborn child to be illegitimate. The two were planning to marry after their baby was born, but decided to push it up before Naomi gives birth in late summer. A source says:
"There's not enough time to plan a big wedding. They'll have just 25 guests for the nuptials in her hometown of Sydney, Australia, with a lavish wedding reception for all their stateside friends after the baby is born."
I think the kid might start to get suspicious when he realizes he was born two weeks after his parents got married. "Wait a second, mom. So you guys got married in August. And then I was born in August. Carry the two. So that means the butler did it!"
Apr 6 2007Anna Nicole Smith's diaries come out
Two of Anna Nicole Smith's diaries from the early 1990's were made available by the Associated Press yesterday and are to be auctioned off in a few weeks. The diaries include insights on her struggles with food, her use of drugs, and her deep love for her then-husband, J. Howard Marshall II.
On her weight
"I've been really stressed out lately and depressed and I can't quit eating. I feel like a pig."
On meeting Paul Marciano, CEO of Guess
"O my Gosh!! Paul Marsiano called today to see if I got his books also I'm gonna go to San Antonio to do photo shoot. I'm so excited!! I can't believe this. This could be it." The entry ends with five smiley faces.
On buying $3,000 worth of clothing at Neiman Marcus
"I'm so happy they look great. I hope it empresses Paul Marsiano. ... I'm starving!! I've been starving myself."
On drugs
On June 13, 1992, she wrote that she was hung over and watched a movie at home, adding that she "Took a Zandrex!"
On J. Howard Marshall, who was 63 years older than her
"Howard has been buying me som jewelry but he call me 15 or 20 times a day it drives me crazy. I love him but he aggravates me somtimes. I don't no what to do about Paul hes strange guy. I hate for men to want sex all the time." The entry ends with the word "Chow!" written in large letters and underlined.
More on J. Howard Marshall
"Hes so very weak and fragile When I touch him Im afraid he might break. If Jesus desides to take him I dont no what I'll do. I love him so much it hurts me to site and watch him when hes hurting I just want to hold him touch him let him no how much I care."
It's kind of amazing but she sounds like she legitimately loved J. Howard Marshall II. At least I think that's what she was trying to say. It's hard to make sense of her words. I know it's unfair to pick apart a private diary, but if you told me this was written by a 9-year-old I'd suggest getting them some private tutoring.
Apr 5 2007Britney Spears stains her shirt
Britney Spears was spotted at Ruth's Chris Steakhouse in Beverly Hills yesterday night, and somehow stained her shirt. And, yeah, her shirt is sort of see-through and she isn't wearing a bra, but I'm not willing to do the kind of squinting necessary to see her nipple. Ten years ago maybe, but now it'd be like crawling through a pile of scorpions to catch a glimpse of Rosie O'Donnell in her bikini.
Apr 5 2007Lauren Conrad and Jason Wahler don't have a sex tape
There's been reports going around that Lauren Conrad (some chick from The Hills) has a sex tape with ex-boyfriend Jason Wahler (some dude from The Hills), and that he's been trying to sell it before he's sent off to jail. However, Lauren is denying the existence of the tape and said in a statement:
"There is no sex tape that exists."
I'm pretty sure neither of these people are famous. Is it still considered a celebrity sex tape if I have no idea who the people involved are? Isn't that just porno? I don't need some kids from The Hills to give me porno. I've got this little thing here I like to call the Internet. I don't know if you've heard, but you can find naked girls on it now!
Apr 5 2007Uma Thurman has extremely saggy boobs
Uma Thurman was spotted in the Caribbean with very large and very saggy breasts. I just can't figure out if I'm supposed to be turned on or grossed out. It's like watching lesbians, only one of them has a mustache. And an eyepatch. And, according to my description, a part-time job as a pirate.
A ton more of Uma Thurman and her sagging breasts after the jump.
Apr 5 2007Sanjaya Malakar's sister naked with guitar
I don't watch American Idol, but I think I've figured out why Sanjaya still hasn't been voted off. It's because his sister poses naked with guitars. Plus she used to work for Hooters. Ta-daa, science!
Apr 5 2007Hayden Panettiere isn't Lindsay Lohan
Hayden Panettiere (the cheerleader from Heroes) got pissed after she was mistaken for Lindsay Lohan Tuesday night while leaving L'Scorpion in Hollywood. A confused onlooker across the street shouted, "Give 'em hell Lindsay!" and Hayden screamed back, "Don't ever call me that again!"
I guess being confused with Lindsay Lohan is pretty much the ultimate insult for girls now. Right up there with "When's the baby due?" and "Hey look, it's Pauly Shore!"
Apr 4 2007Paris Hilton takes herself too seriously
Paris Hilton was in an MTV comedy sketch about getting pulled over for a DUI, but last week her lawyers threatened to sue the network if they don't pull it from tomorrow's episode of "ShortCircuitz."
In the sketch - which was included on a copy of the show sent to TV critics last week - the action shifts from salesgirl Paris to "real-life" situations in which people look to their bracelets for advice. In one instance, a leggy blonde in a short skirt is busted for drunken driving. After checking her Hilton bracelet, she starts grinding on one of the cops as if he were a stripper pole. "I can't arrest you, you're too fabulous," says the officer. A few months ago, Hilton agreed to poke fun at herself and appear in the sketch, which was filmed at her house on Jan. 4, a source told Page Six.
It's hard to believe Paris Hilton actually cares about how the public sees her. She's so ridiculous most people probably don't even believe she's a real person anymore, and just some new character being written for Family Guy.
Apr 4 2007John Travolta makes emergency landing
John Travolta made an emergency landing in his private Boeing 707 after it experienced engine problems. He was flying by himself from Germany to New York after a TV appearance when he had to make an emergecny landing at Shannon Airport in Ireland. A source says:
"If he hadn't made it to Shannon, it could have been the end of him. You could tell that he was very relieved."
In case you're curious, his Boeing 707 has three dining rooms and seats 179 people. So, yeah, it's a good thing he took it out to fly all by himself. Can you imagine if he was seen flying a reasonably sized personal jet? Man, that would've been so embarrassing.
Apr 4 2007Halle Berry makes out with the ground
Halle Berry received her star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday and decided she'd try to make love to it. Sure, when she does it everybody takes pictures and applauds, but when I do it suddenly the police are involved and I have to "put my pants back on" and "stop making a scene."
Apr 4 2007Britney Spears gives K-Fed way more than $1 million
While hammering out the details of their divorce, Star magazine reports Britney Spears said to Kevin Federline: "You're the biggest mistake I've ever made, but thank you for my babies." Star is also reporting that K-Fed is going to get $13 million in the divorce, way more than the $1 million sum that was previously reported. Other details of the divorce are:
- A 2004 pre-nup called for K-Fed to get $250,000 for each year of their marriage, but Spears upped that figure to $500,000 to speed up the negotiations.
- He receives half the proceeds from their Malibu mansion, which is on the market for $13.5 million.
- $25,000 a month in child support for each of the couple's two children until they reach 18. He also gets custody of the boys four days a week.
- Federline gets to keep all the gifts Spears bought them during their marriage.
- He's forbidden from writing a tell-all about their marriage.
I know Britney Spears had a breakdown, but she must've murdered somebody in rehab for the judge to award K-Fed more than 50% custody of the children. And what kind of insane child support requires $25,000 a month? I mean, yeah, solid gold diapers are important, but I dunno if I'd say they were a necessity.
Apr 4 2007Ron Jeremy grabs boobies
Ron Jeremy could face battery charges after a woman filed a police report saying he grabbed her boob and signed it without her permission. The woman asked Ron for an autograph at the Exotica porn convention in Miami Beach, and he allegedly "reached towards the victim and stuck his hands under victim's blouse. [He then] reached inside her bra and grabbed her nipple. He pulled the nipple up and took out victim's breast and signed his name on it." Ron responds:
"First of all, there was security around me at all times. If they had a problem, why wouldn't they have said something at that point? I probably signed about 150 boobs that weekend, all of which I sign 'RJ with a heart' and if I would've touched a breast, I might have cupped it while I signed. Rules of the convention were that you can not expose a breast, so I never did. And if this was a couple, I always ask permission of the male to sign the breast before I do it. Some people waited an hour for me to sign their breast. My line was second only to Jenna Jameson's."
How do you ask Ron Jeremy for an autograph and not expect your breasts to be fondled? It'd be like asking Mr. T for an autograph and being surprised when he told you to stay in school and drink your milk, and then started off on a tangent about pitying fools.
Apr 4 2007Anticlown Media Update
The Bourne Ultimatum One-Sheet
There's only one thing I look for in a movie poster, and that's the back of Matt Damon's head.
Transformers Fighting/Squatting
The only thing hotter than lesbians is giant transforming robots fighting it out.
8-bit Tie
Finally a tie for the profesionnal geek.
Apr 3 2007Lindsay Lohan still really stupid
Lindsay was interviewed over her Blackberry for the latest issue of GQ and her responses came back insane.
When asked about playing poker
"I just emailed my friend sara pantera saying I'm going to start playing poker again! I bought two puppies today!"
On the topic of cats
"Cats scare me. I just think of bad luck from black ones like I had in Just My Luck! I need a boyfriend. Geez."
When asked what the happiest moment of her life was
"Gotta think sex scene today" and never wrote back again.
If you're gonna interview Lindsay Lohan do it in person, not over a Blackberry. She has the attention span of a puppy on cocaine. They're lucky they even got actual responses. I'm surprised she didn't forget what she was doing halfway through the interview and start ordering Chinese food.
Apr 3 2007Alanis Morissette covers "My Humps"
My mind. It is the boggled!
Check out the original Black Eyed Peas version after the jump.
Apr 3 2007Mariah Carey might adopt
Mariah Carey allegedly visited a Mexican orphanage with her lawyer recently and is possibly interested in adopting one of the children. I'm hoping this isn't true, but there's no way Mariah Carey would ever be given a baby. If you made a list of people less qualified to be a parent than Jessica Simpson there'd only be one name on it and it'd be Mariah Carey. And maybe a drawing of an angry dinosaur. But even that would be behind Mariah.
Apr 3 2007Carmen Electra shakes her booty
Carmen Electra and The Bombshell Babes performed at Dinah Shore Week 2007 over the weekend. Although I'm not entirely sure who or what the Bombshell Babes are. Judging by these pics they're sort of like the Pussycat Dolls, only without the singing. And they, uh, do acrobatics? All these groups are the same. Someone needs to start one where instead of dressing like whores they put on potato sacks and spend the whole time eating buckets of mayonnaise. It's original and classy.
A ton more of Carmen Electra and the Bombshell Babes after the jump.
Apr 3 2007Lindsay Lohan needs attention
Lindsay Lohan showed up to DJ AM's birthday party at club LAX over the weekend acting like her usual self. Look at her go! Everybody's trying to take a nap and she's nudging them awake going, "Look what I can do!" I kind of expected her to be using a Hula-Hoop and giving jazz hands. I guess she saves that stuff for funerals.
Apr 3 2007Joe Francis gets punched
Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis got punched in the head Saturday night at Cameo in Miami after he was hitting on a group of Brazilian models and a jealous boyfriend took offense. After the assault, he was escorted from the scene by security. No word on what happened to the guy that initiated the violence, but I'm assuming they gave him a Medal of Valor. Or a meatball sandwich. Either way, score!
Apr 3 2007Scary Spice gives birth
Melanie Brown gave birth to a baby girl early this morning, though no name has been picked out yet and she's just being referred to as Baby Brown. And because Scary Spice is a slut, she's still not sure who the father is. She claims Eddie Murphy is the father, but Murphy said on a Dutch TV show last December:
"I don't know whose child that is until it comes out and has a blood test. You shouldn't jump to conclusions, sir."
If I was Eddie I'd be denying I was the father too, just so nobody thought I ever had sex with Scary Spice. It'd be like getting caught having sex with a moose. Or admit to masturbating to Sesame Street.
Apr 2 2007Fergie was a lesbian sex maniac
Fergie says she rebelled against her Catholic upbringing and went on a wild sex and drugs spree when she turned 18. She says:
"I have had lesbian experiences in the past. I won't say how many men I've had sex with - but I am a very sexual person. When I was going through my out-of-control phase, I could have got into very dangerous situations. I had a gun put to my head during a drug deal that went wrong. Luckily I got out of it."
I've had some lesbian fantasies before, but never involving Fergie. Mostly because that wouldn't be a lesbian fantasy anymore. More of a straight...woman...with penis...monster nightmare. I'd get more aroused watching Schindler's List.
Apr 2 2007Avril Lavigne thinks Britney Spears is weak
Avril Lavigne says Britney Spears can't blame the media for her meltdown because all celebrities have to deal with the fame that comes with their success and it was her own fault for being so weak. She says:
"What's happened to Britney is all down to who she is as a person. If you want a piece of this business you have to be able to deal with it. You can't complain about the pressures, the paparazzi, the madness because that's the job."
I'm not defending Britney Spears, but she's on a completely different level of fame than Avril Lavigne. You probably didn't even know Avril Lavigne was still alive until about thirty seconds ago when you saw this post. I mean, yeah, it's pretty easy to deal with fame when the only time you encounter it is little kids asking you if you're Minnie Mouse.
Apr 2 2007Tara Reid's bikini almost fits
Tara Reid was spotted in Acapulco over the weekend putting her bikini top to the test. She and Courtney Love should have some sort of contest to determine once and for all who has the most disgusting body on the planet. Tara Reid's looks like something a blind person would sculpt out of clay if they had never seen what an actual body looks like. And instead of using hands they had to use their feet.
Apr 2 2007Paris Hilton has an amazing bra
Paris Hilton showed up to Parc in Hollywood over the weekend still wearing her amazing pushup bra. It shouldn't even be called a bra anymore. More like a unicorn. Or a leprechaun. Although those imply fantasy, whereas this magic is very very real. This thing makes David Copperfield look like that guy who swallows a quarter and makes it reappear behind your ear, only he can't make it reappear because he actually swallowed it and now he's curled up on the floor clutching his stomach and moaning.
A ton more of Paris Hilton and her pushup bra after the jump.
Apr 2 2007Courtney Love has stomach problems
Courtney Love was spotted in a bikini in Maui over the weekend, although I'm surprised the cameras managed to capture her image instead of just exploding on sight. It's not often you see somebody that makes Tara Reid's stomach look healthy. Her plastic surgeon must've gotten confused, and instead of liposuctioning out her fat he just pounded her stomach repeatedly with a shovel.
A bunch more of Courtney Love after the jump, including some of her kneading the horror that is her stomach.
