Mar 30 2007Jenna Jameson has vagina surgery
Jenna Jameson is reportedly pissing off producers who want to turn her book, "How to Make Love Like a Porn Star," into a movie because she keeps missing meetings. Although it's allegedly because she got plastic surgery on her vagina and she isn't happy with it. A source says:
"She underwent a vaginoplasty at a Beverly Hills plastic surgeon, and she is very unhappy," said the source, who added, in perhaps an unfortunate choice of words, "she has decided to hole up and not speak to anybody. The producers are about to pull the plug on the movie," which would be a mainstream production.
You'd think Jenna Jameson would've learned her lesson by now. If she went to the same plastic surgeon that did her face and body, her vagina probably came out looking like some sort of squid. I don't even think the guy's a doctor. Judging by his work I'd guess he's an out of work janitor. Or a puppy.
Mar 30 2007Paris Hilton violates probation, faces jail time
Paris Hilton may face a three-month prison sentence for violating her probation by driving with a suspended license. On Tuesday she was pulled over in her car by police in Los Angeles, and a spokeperson for the prosecutor says:
"We are confident that we have sufficient evidence that her license was suspended at the time she was driving and that she had knowledge of that suspension."
It's fun to dream, but there's no way Paris Hilton is going to get actual jail time for this. Mary-Kate Olsen has a better chance of beating up a polar bear with her bare hands. And then eating it.
Mar 30 2007Britney Spears and Kevin Federline reach a settlement
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline had a five hour meeting yesterday and finally reached a settlement in their divorce. K-Fed will only get $1 million after the airtight pre-nup drafted by Britney's lawyer and the two will have joint custody of the kids, sharing physical custody 50/50. Although $1 million still sounds like way too much. If they made things fair based on what they contributed to the marriage, K-Fed would've left this thing with two balloons and a tube of toothpaste.
And here's shots of Britney having a quick 30-minute celebration at the Bridge Restaurant and Lounge in Hollywood yesterday after the settlement meeting. Dropping K-Fed must've been like removing a tumor, because she's starting to physically look better. By the end of all this she might actually turn out okay.
Mar 29 2007Lindsay Lohan doesn't need a bra
Lindsay Lohan was spotted in LA without a bra on, which I guess would be a bigger deal if we haven't already seen her vagina. The most surprising thing she could do these days would be to spell the word "adequate" correctly. I heard the other day she spelled it with a 'p' and somehow worked in a pound sign.
A few more of Linday Lohan and her pointy nipples after the jump.
Mar 29 2007Courtney Love lost some weight
Courtney Love showed off her newly slimmed body in Maui, Hawaii after losing a reported 45 lbs. Although on the list of people I want to see in a bikini, Courtney Love is right up there with Queen Elizabeth II and Carl Winslow from Family Matters.
A few more of Courtney Love hitting up the beach after the jump.
Mar 29 2007Kim Smith is easy on the eyes
Remember Kim Smith? She was a former Guess model who also did some Victoria's Secret modeling and appeared in a few movies like Van Wilder and Catwoman. I don't really have a good excuse to post these pictures of her at the Meet the Robinsons premiere, I just thought you'd need something to wash your eyes out after that Natasha Lyonne post. Although after Natasha Lyonne I could've put up a picture of the Elephant Man posing nude with some burn victims and it'd be like looking at the cast of Batwatch.
Mar 29 2007Natasha Lyonne still alive, still very very ugly
Natasha Lyonne (the girl from American Pie that threatened to molest a dog) showed up to the LA premiere of Grindhouse wearing what appears to be a trash bag. Although it would've looked better if it was over her head. Nature has not been kind to this girl. I'm starting to understand why she has to rape dogs, and it's because there's no way she'd get them to actually consent. I'm pretty sure having sex with a blender would be more enjoyable.
A couple more after the jump, but trust me you don't want to look.
Continue Reading "Natasha Lyonne still alive, still very very ugly"
Mar 29 2007Tara Reid wears stripes...whee!
This isn't even close to news, but Tara Reid was spotted in Hollywood with a striped shirt looking relatively okay. Exciting, isn't it? You paid for your whole seat but you'll only need the edge!
Mar 29 2007Bam Margera loves Lance Bass
Bam Margera (the jackass from Jackass) apparently has a huge mural of Lance Bass in his garage. Recent visitors to his home say:
"There's a big portrait of Lance in an astronaut uniform, smiling broadly and holding his helmet proudly. In the background is a NASA shuttle ascending to space on a giant rainbow." Margera confirmed it was Bass to friends, saying: "Hell yeah! The guy from 'N Sync who wanted to go to outer space, but never made it and was all gay and shit!"
There's nothing more inspirational than Lance Bass's heroic story of being in a boy band and wanting, but failing, to go into outer space. I'm surprised it isn't painted on the White House. I heard they were thinking of building a Lance Bass museum over Rosa Parks' grave, but they were afraid it would be too inspirational and the nation would constantly be in tears.
Mar 29 2007Halle Berry tried to kill herself
Halle Berry tells Parade magazine she tried to commit suicide over her failed first marriage by trying to "gas" herself. She says:
"I was sitting in my car, and I knew the gas was coming when I had an image of my mother finding me. She sacrificed so much for her children, and to end my life would be an incredibly selfish thing to do. It was all about a relationship. My sense of worth was so low. I promised myself I would never be a coward again."
It's always sad when beautiful people try to take their own lives. I got pretty depressed once because I finished a delicious sandwich and wanted more, so I tried to kill myself by picking a fight with a gang of hoodlums. Unfortunately my intstincts kicked in and I beat them all up, but the moral of the story is: beating up hoodlums and taking their money is a great way to get sandwich money.
Mar 28 2007Rose McGowan is self absorbed
Rose McGowan reportedly warned her female co-stars not to wear red to the LA premiere of Grindhouse so her dress wouldn't be upstaged. A source says:
"It caused quite a stir. The feeling is she's self-obsessed." Among the beauties ordered to do without red were Rosario Dawson, Jordan Ladd and Sydney Tamiia Poitier. But McGowan was in for a rude surprise when two minor cast members, twins Elise and Electra Avellan, paraded into the theater in bright red outfits. "It was basically a '[Bleep] you!' to Rose," said the source.
Her dress actually looks pretty good, which is too bad because it would've been ironic if it looked stupid as hell. Like if she was freaking out and yelling at everybody not to wear red and her dress turned out to be a tomato costume or something.
Mar 28 2007Jennifer Love Hewitt gets harrassed by clown
Jennifer Love Hewitt was spotted at Universal Studios with her boyfriend getting harrassed by a clown. There are only two things I'm certain of in this world: 1) my abs make steel look like Play-Doh and 2) clowns are the physical manifestation of evil. I'm surprised Jennifer Love Hewitt held it together long enough to pretend to be amused. If I was her there would've been a fist-shaped hole going through the clown's chest and my closed palm squeezing a still pumping heart.
Continue Reading "Jennifer Love Hewitt gets harrassed by clown"
Mar 28 2007Christina Aguilera looks interesting
Christina Aguilera was spotted leaving the Mercer hotel in New York over the weekend looking like some sort of crazy bag lady. What the hell is going on in these pictures? She's got her face covered, her hair is done up like a 60-year-old cafeteria lady, she's walking her dogs, and she's got a pillow, just in case she needs to take a nap on the street. I'm trying to come up with a scenario where all of this would make sense, but all I can picture is her trying to fight crime and beating people with her pillow as she's yelling, "Beware criminals! Bag Lady fights for justice! And knitting!"
Mar 28 2007Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen to get plastic surgery
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen are reportedly set to get matching nose jobs and have both reportedly consulted Beverly Hills plastic surgeon Dr. Raj Kanodia about the surgery. An insider says:
"Ashley has always thought her nose was a little too big, so she wanted to get it done. When she talked to her sister about it, she loved the idea." There has been speculation in the past that the mini-moguls have already had their features tweaked under the knife. "They both love changing their looks," a friend tells ITW. "They thought this would make them look more polished."
More polished? It's gonna take a hell of a lot more than a nose job to fix whatever's wrong with these two. Can they do face transplants yet? I saw in a movie once where they swapped John Travolta's face with Nicolas Cage's face and then they switched identities and had to shoot a bunch of people and blow stuff up. I think it was called Cinderella II: Dreams Come True.
Mar 28 2007Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston kiss
This is the much hyped lesbian kiss between Courteney Cox and Jennifer Aniston that aired on Dirt's season finale yesterday. It's every bit as disappointing and pathetic as you imagined it might be. If lesbian kisses were race horses, this would be the little guy in the back who's just kind of walking it, and then halfway through he lies down and takes a nap. Watching your grandma try to put in her dentures in the morning is probably hotter than this.
Mar 27 2007Hilary Duff thinks she has boobs
Hilary Duff showed up to the 18th annual GLAAD Media Awards wearing a dress not suited for her body at all. I mean she looks pretty good, but that dress looks like a joke. She looks like a 12-year-old who got into her mom's closet. I'd take her just as seriously if she had oranges taped to her chest and drew her lipstick on with crayon.
Mar 27 2007James Blunt and Petra Nemcova split, Lindsay Lohan moves in
A rep for James Blunt confirms that he and Petra Nemcova split in February, though it was on amicable terms and they remain good friends. Additionally Blunt has recently been seen partying with the likes of Lindsay Lohan, and was spotted with her on numerous occasions in LA, including Teddy's Wednesday night, then Lohan's place very late Wednesday night and early Thursday morning, and finally at Blunt's hotel room around 3am. Saturday morning. A clubgoer at Teddy's says:
"Lindsay and James were never affectionate, but they did seem flirty, standing right next to each other, and constantly talking." Lohan and Blunt were part of a group of people who left together at 2:15 a.m.
I know it's just James Blunt, but going from Petra Nemcova to Lindsay Lohan has to be a pretty hard step to take. It's like having filet mignon your entire life and then one day having to eat a homeless person's old shoe. Which, in this case, also happens to be a used condom.
Mar 27 2007Eddie Griffin crashes a Ferrari Enzo
Eddie Griffin crashed a $1.5 million Ferrari Enzo (only 400 were ever made) while practicing for a charity race to promote his new movie Redline yesterday. Griffin said:
"Undercover Brother's good at karate and all the rest of that, but the brother can't drive."
The Ferrari belonged to the producer of Redline, who said:
"I'm glad Eddie came out of the crash okay, but my dream car got destroyed. I went to my trailer for about 15 minutes and I thought, 'There's people dying every day. A lot of worse things are happening in the world.' "
I dunno man, if Eddie Griffin crashed my Ferrari Enzo the next day's headlines would read "Eddie Griffin strangled to death and then stabbed and then shot a couple times by angry Enzo owner." Although that'd be kind of a long headline. They could use a small font or something.
NOTE: Yes, Eddie Griffin actually referred to himself as Undercover Brother.
Mar 27 2007David and Victoria Beckham try to party with Diddy
David and Victoria Beckham partied in London with P. Diddy at the Automat Bar over the weekend, and judging by these pictures they barely survived. Also judging by these pictures, Victoria Beckham has breasts made out of solid diamond. I tried to stab her in the chest once but my knife bent like a cartoon. And then she gave me a hug and her boobs went through my chest and I died. True story.
Some of these pictures are possibly LSFW because her diamond nipples are fighting their way through her shirt.
Continue Reading "David and Victoria Beckham try to party with Diddy"
Mar 27 2007Paris Hilton's virginity mystery solved
In case you've ever wondered, Paris Hilton allegedly lost her virginity to Tori Spelling's brother, Randy Spelling. Spelling says:
"We were together for like two months. We went to Palm Springs once for the weekend, and we couldn't check into the hotel under her name because her grandma was looking for her. She was like 15; I was 17. And what do you know, I hear this knock-knock-knock on the door, and I look out and her grandma's there. And then I look out the window and I see Paris in a full-on dress with a suitcase running down the golf course. We broke up like a week later." But the big-bucks heiress still has a soft spot for the small-screen heir, as evidenced by a recent hello outside a Los Angeles nightclub. "She came up to me and she was like, 'I want to say hi to Randy.' She was like, 'Randy took my virginity. I want to say hi!'"
He also says about Bai Ling:
"Bai Ling was really crazy. She earnestly told us she is from the moon. She said she comes down from the moon on weekends to change outfits. I think she believes it."
The biggest surprise here is that Randy Spelling has ever had sex with a woman. Or, ya know, a tranny. What's the proper term for Paris? Livng STD? Well it's surprising that he's ever had sex period. He's so ugly I imagine he'd be too afraid of himself to even masturbate.
A bunch more of Pais Hilton at Hugh Hefner's 81st birthday celebration over the weekend after the jump.
Mar 27 2007Angelina Jolie faces adoption troubles
The biological grandfather of Angelina Jolie's new 3-year-old Vietnamese son, Pax, says that his daughter is a heroin addict who gave Pax up for adoption two days after birth, but could cause trouble after finding out he's been adopted by a rich movie star. He says:
"When she finds out that a rich movie star has adopted her baby, she will go after Angelina Jolie for money and make trouble for her. She may even try to take the child back."
U.S. sources say the adoption is completely legal and couldn't be contested because the papers were signed by Pax's grandparents and not his mother. Plus his mother is a heroin addict who gave him up for adoption. So basically she has about as good a chance of getting custody of this kid as I do. Which probably isn't very high, since my adoption application was just a handwritten note in blood that said, "Give me Pax or else."
Mar 27 2007Thora Birch has a creepy dad
Thora Birch (the girl with the big boobs from American Beauty and Ghost World) apparently has the creepiest dad ever. During the shooting of The Winter of Frozen Dreams, her dad, Jack Birch, insisted he be present on the closed set so he could watch them shoot his daughter's sex scene with Dean Winters. A source says:
"It was so wrong," said one insider. "The director is saying, 'Harder! Faster!' and the father is giving Winters the thumbs up." Jack Birch was on the set every day giving orders - even telling director Eric Mandelbaum where to place his camera so that Thora would look her best. Mandelbaum was about to shoot the first sex scene Monday when, "all of a sudden, the front door is being kicked in. Her father was threatening to kill the assistant directors. Then he threatens to pull her from the movie with three days of shooting left." Making matters worse, a problem with the focus on the camera necessitated 14 takes. "It was the most bizarre, perverse scene," said our witness. "One girl on the crew broke down crying."
Sounds like my kind of guy. I mean, who wouldn't want to see Thora Birch naked? Her boobs are huge. Plus she's got grea -- wait a second did you say her dad? *face slowly turns to horror and runs screaming into the distance*
Mar 26 2007Paris Hilton still has big boobs
Paris Hilton was spotted at Teddy's last week still sporting her enlarged bosom. Although I forget, are we still going with the pushup bra theory or have we moved on to breast implants? I'm cool either way, I just want to know our official position. Plus, what the hell is going on here? Maybe I'm just a little rusty on my technique, but I'm pretty sure this is not how you enter a car. Unless you're Napoleon and leading your men into battle.
Mar 26 2007Bruce Willis has really low standards
Bruce Willis turned 52 last week and was spotted making out with Courtney Love at Roxy on Sunset Blvd. A witness says:
"They were full-on making out."
I know he's getting desperate, but Courtney Love? He might as well have been making out with a pile of garbage. I doubt he'd even be able to tell the difference, except that maybe the garbage would smell nicer and have better hair. And probably speak more coherently.
Mar 26 2007Jeremy Piven banned from Nobu
Jeremy Piven has been banned from Nobu Matsuhisa's restaurants after he left a DVD of the first season of Entourage as a tip. He was in Aspen for the recent US Comedy Arts Festival and a source says:
"He was asked never to return to Matsuhisa in Aspen by a manager. He came in with a large group of 12 or more without reservations and asked for a table. It was a very busy night, but a table, although cramped, was provided. On his way out, he made a nasty comment to the manager: 'Thanks for nothing.' He left a DVD of the first year of 'Entourage' to one of the waiters. [An employee] ran up the stairs and hurled it at him as he was leaving."
I tried that once and left an autographed picture of myself as a tip. Only instead of getting mad and throwing it back at me the waitress started making out with it and rubbing it all over her body. And then her friends joined in and they all got naked. Okay fine I lied. They were naked the whole time.
Mar 26 2007Christina Aguilera wears really small dresses
Christina Aguilera showed up to the Back to Basics after party wearing fishnet stockings and the tightest see-through dress ever. I'm just wondering how many times she has to do this before we can officially call her a prostitute. It's too bad the circus wasn't in town, because she would've made a fortune. You know, because she's so good at juggling and taming tigers.
More of Christina Aguilera looking very classy after the jump.
Continue Reading "Christina Aguilera wears really small dresses"
Mar 26 2007Anna Nicole Smith officially died of an overdose
Police told reporters today that Anna Nicole Smith officially died of an accidental overdose and no foul play was suspected. The Broward County police chief says:
"We are convinced, based on an extensive review of the evidence, that this case is an accidental overdose with no other criminal element present. We have reviewed hundreds of hours of video, tape captured by the hotel security cameras and we found nothing unusual." Tiger said a laptop belong to the model's boyfriend Howard Stern similarly revealed "nothing to indicate any foul play."
So now you officially know what you already knew. I'm surprised it took them over a month to figure this out. It took most people, what, twelve seconds to piece together the evidence? Rain Man could've solved this case faster.
Mar 26 2007Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson being sued
Denise Richards and Pamela Anderson are being sued for the incident last November where Denise Richards assaulted the paparazzi. According to the lawsuit she became enraged when she saw two photographers taking her pictures, called them "paparazzi scum" and other names, assaulted them, then grabbed their laptops and threw them over the balcony.
Afterward, they said, Richards and Anderson "made repeated false and defamatory statements to law enforcement and various media outlets which were deliberately calculated to embarrass, humiliate and ridicule plaintiffs."
I'm not siding with the paparazzi, but Denise Richards is kind of a maniac. Only poorly written movie characters and insane people throw laptops over balconies. This is the kind of chick who throws scalding hot coffee in her waitress's face because her eggs are overcooked. Then while everybody's staring at her with their mouths open she takes a bite of her pancakes and goes, "Mmm, these are great!"
Mar 26 2007Britney Spears gets her "hair" done
Britney Spears visited a hair salon in Beverly Hills over the weekend, which is a little confusing since she doesn't have any hair. Then again, not having a vagina has never stopped me from going into the women's bathroom with no pants on, a camcorder, and a stool. That's right, ladies, I'm all class.
A few more of Britney Spears at a hair salon after the jump.
Mar 26 2007Snoop Dogg banned from the UK
Snoop Dogg has been refused a British visa and his European tour has been thrown "into chaos" as a result. His rep says:
"Snoop and his team are mystified at the decision and are hoping that the British government will reconsider this decision especially as he has toured here before and sees the UK as being the highlight of the tour."
Snoop Dogg was arrested at John Wayne Airport last September for trying to board a plane with a collapsible baton. Less than a month later he was arrested at Burbank's Bob Hope Airport on suspicion of possessing marijuana and a handgun. Then last November he was arrested again for illegally possessing a handgun and drugs after performing on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. And then just this month he was arrested again in Sweden for more alleged drug use. So yeah, it's not completely surprising he was banned from the UK. Although I can feel his pain, since just the other day I was arrested on charges of being too hot for my own good.
