Mar 16 2007Eva Longoria is a lawn gnome
Either Marcia Cross is a giant and drives around in custom-built giant cars, or Eva Longoria is, by my scientific calculations, two and a half feet tall. It looks like they used special effects on her or something. Like they're shooting a new Lord of the Rings movie and she's playing Gnomey, the extra small Hobbit.
A couple more pics of Eva Longoria looking like a tiny little person after the jump.
Mar 16 2007Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie to counsel fat kids
A rep for E! has confirmed that Nicole Richie and Paris Hilton are going to be counseling overweight campers on the new season of The Simple Life.
"They are going to be camp counselors at one camp in the Southern California Mountains," says an E! spokesperson. "The camp has five different themes. Each week will be a different theme. And yes, one week is a weight loss/fitness camp. It's not a fat camp."
Because, really, who better to guide the fate of fat children than Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie. They're gonna spend the whole time pointing and laughing and going, "Jesus, they're so fat!" And then Nicole Richie will say, "Oh my God, Paris, they can hear you." And then they'll laugh some more and Paris will laugh so hard she'll let out a little fart. And maybe a little poo will come out. Just a little. Because she's classy.
Mar 16 2007Ryan Seacrest is almost too straight
I'm not saying Ryan Seacrest is gay, but come on, this is just too much. Who goes jogging like that? And why is he putting on a little butt-grabbing show for his jogging buddy? I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation for all this, but he'd look more straight if he was posing with an erect penis in his mouth.
One more of Ryan Seacrest jogging with his male friend after the jump.
Mar 16 2007Eva Longoria is sportier than Mischa Barton
Eva Longoria has replaced Mischa Barton as the new face of Bebe Sport, because at least Eva pretends to work out as opposed to smoking pot all day. And for some reason they celebrated the announcement with Eva Longoria's birthday. She cleans up real nice, but she looks more than a little insane here. I'd trust her with my penis about as much as I'd trust Kirstie Alley with my Twinkie. Or Britney Spears with my baby. Or Lindsay Lohan with, well, anything.
Mar 16 2007Carmen Electra and Alison Sweeny still can't walk
If you saw these photos and wished with all your might there was video, your prayers have been answered. Here's the video of Carmen Electra and Alison Sweeny forgetting how to walk at Max Factor's Clothes Off Our Back charity event. And here's the video of me forgetting how to satisfy the needs of a woman. Oh wait, no it isn't. Because that's never happened. High five!
Mar 16 2007Tara Reid forgets her bra
Tara Reid was spotted shopping in Beverly Hills over the weekend without her bra on in a see through shirt. And what planet does Tara Reid think she's on that it would possibly be okay for her to go out without a bra? She has monster implants from hell. The only top she could wear that would even be mildly acceptable is plate armor.
Mar 16 2007Lindsay Lohan was totally cured in rehab
Lindsay Lohan has apparently been out partying and drinking every single night since she arrived in New York last week.
The newly blond starlet was with Jude Law at The Box both Friday and Saturday nights, where spies said she was "drinking champagne and dancing with four Lindsay look-alikes." She also partied at Stereo last Friday, Butter and Bungalow 8 on Monday, and had plans to hit the Plumm last night with pal Charlotte Ronson. Lohan's rep, Leslie Sloane Zelnik, told Page Six, "Lindsay's doing fine. She's taking her life day by day."
So rehab didn't work for her at all. What the hell was she doing in there? While everybody else was getting treated for their addictions she was probably playing Hungry Hungry Hippo, clapping her hands excitedly going, "Look at the hippos eat! They're so hungry!" Then when one of the employees taps her shoulder to let her know a meeting is about to start she orders a Cosmopolitan and takes a nap.
Mar 15 2007Nicole Richie is addicted to pills
Nicole Richie is allegedly addicted to the prescription drug Adderall which is used to treat ADD and is a powerful appetite suppressant. A source tells In Touch:
"She loves Adderall because she stays awake, and it makes her not want to eat. And she takes it even more when she's filming."
So there you have it kids. If you want to look like a 14-year-old dude like Nicole Richie just get your hands on some Adderall. I know people take ADD medication to study for college finals, but that's not even close to applying to Nicole Richie. I'm pretty sure she can't even read, so she'd probably just end up curled on the floor trying to count all the cells in her body. And after running out of toes and fingers she'd declare triumphantly, "19!"
Mar 15 2007Carmen Electra can't walk in heels
Carmen Electra completely ate it while walking the catwalk at the Max Factor Salutes Hollywood Fashion Show. Although judging by this picture and this picture it doesn't seem to be her fault since they apparently lined the floor with banana peels. It's not very professional when nobody on the runway can manage to stand up. They might as well have hired a guy to stand off stage and throw pies at people's faces.
Mar 15 2007Angelina Jolie officially adopts Pax Thien Jolie
Angelina Jolie has officially adopted a 3-year-old Vietnamese boy and decided to change his name from Pham Quang Sang to Pax Thien Jolie (Pax means peace in Latin and Thien means sky in Vietnamese). She went to the orphanage this morning with 5-year-old Maddox, though Brad Pitt was unable to go because he had to work in LA.
It's pretty messed up that she changed a 3-year-old's name. I could understand it if it was three weeks or three months, but by three years the kid is already answering to his name and probably learning how to write it. Every time they call him he'll probably look around confused, and in three years he'll climb to the top of a mountain and shake his fist at God while yelling, "Who am I?!"
Mar 15 2007Britney Spears is a Coke addict
Britney Spears, a former Pepsi spokeswoman, has become addicted to Coke and allegedly drinks 24 cans of Coca-Cola a day. Additionally, Star reports she's been a terrible patient in rehab. An insider says:
"Britney has a seriously bad attitude problem. She's been very demanding; acts like a 12-year-old and throws temper tantrums when she doesn't get what she wants! She refuses to pick up after herself and even asked if she could hire a maid! She's asking for this and that, special food, special everything ... and she's not that nice to anyone." It's likely that Spears is acting out, reports that mag, because she feels she doesn't belong in rehab in the first place. "I heard she keeps saying she is just sick from postpartum depression and that she does not have any real addiction problem, which is a joke. She has an addiction."
Is it smart for an addiction treatment facility to be giving somebody 24 cans of Coke a day? That's like going to fat camp and being served fifteen meals of chocolate covered butter a day.
Mar 14 2007Britney Spears has a new boyfriend
Britney Spears has reportedly met a new boy in rehab, and the two are "growing very close" since their "special" relationship began. The guy's name is Jason Filyaw (here's his MySpace) and he refused to confirm or deny whether he's dating Britney, but admitted, "I love her, I support her 100% and we are close." He's been attending AA meetings with Spears and added that he's been helping Britney with the spiritually "deep" part of her recovery.
So the guy's in rehab and looks like that. Wow, what a catch. If this relationship falls through (and I get the feeling it might) she should consider dating that creepy guy who follows little children around in his van. If we're gonna date winners we might as well go for the gold.
Mar 14 2007Ashley Olsen shows off her bra
Ashley Olsen was spotted looking relatively normal shopping in Brenthood with her bra hanging out. Although I'm pretty sure the bra flash was intentional considering how her top was buttoned. With her figure I'm not even sure why she needs a bra. I know 7-year old boys who have bigger boobs than her. Hell, I know frying pans with bigger boobs than her.
Mar 14 2007Lindsay Lohan runs over people
Lindsay Lohan almost killed a photographer last night after hitting him with her car. She told cops she was driving friends in her mom's BMW when they pulled up to a hotel at 3am to dodge some paparazzi. She then claims the paparazzi swarmed her in the valet lane and one of them jumped onto the hood of her car. Unsurprisingly, the photographers tell a very different story, saying one of the photographers was standing in front of the car when Lindsay flipped the car into reverse and then drive, knocking him down. A source adds:
"She got out of the car to look at Giovanni on the ground as she's talking to a cop, and then she's allowed to leave. The other photographers there threw a fit that she was allowed to leave. The cops then asked her friends to call her to come back, and she came back." NYPD detectives were still probing the incident but seemed to believe Lohan, sources said.
Lindsay Lohan crashes her car like every other month. She's almost as qualified to drive as the blind. And how can the cops believe her story over all the photographers that were there? They jumped onto the hood of her car? She's just making stuff up now. I'm surprised she didn't claim they also had knives and were turning into vampires.
UPDATE: Here's video of the incident. And yes, that's admittedly the worst impression of getting hit by a car ever.
Mar 14 2007Jessica Simpson wants to adopt
Page Six reports Jessica Simpson is jealous of all the celebrities with babies and says she wants one of her own. She says what's getting her ready for motherhood are her dogs and that they're putting her into the maternal caregiving mode.
Gorgeous Jessica, who'd have no trouble with volunteers to make a baby in the old-fashioned way, says she'll first adopt.
There's no way somebody would give Jessica Simpson a baby. At least not a human one. The inside of a shark's mouth would make a better parent. Probably score higher on the SAT's too.
Mar 14 2007Fergie too drunk to fly
Fergie was set to fly from Los Angeles to the UK but was banned from boarding the flight after being branded "too drunk to travel." She delayed the flight for an hour while her luggage was removed, and a source says:
"She was falling all over the place and had to be supported. She was in no state to fly. But when she was prevented from boarding she couldn't believe it. She was drunkenly ranting at staff but could barely string a sentence together. It was very embarrassing."
I was prevented from boarding a plane once because they said my fists needed to be registered as deadly weapons. I don't remember what happened next but I think I punched a little girl through a wall. Justice prevails!
Mar 14 2007Scary Spice is very pregnant
An 8-month pregnant Melanie Brown (aka Scary Spice) was spotted in Beverly Hills yesterday. And I can't help but wonder if I've ever seen true beauty until today. That face. That body. It's like I'm finally using my eyes for the first time.
Mar 14 2007Tori Spelling probably won't be fat anymore
Tori Spelling and Dean McDermott gave birth to a baby boy in Los Angeles yesterday and named him Liam Aaron McDermott. And in case you care (which you don't) Tori has been reconciling with her estranged mother Candy, and she visited Tori in the hospital after not talking to her for over a year.
I just hope this doesn't mean we won't be seeing Tori Spelling looking like this anymore. I don't think my heart could take the shock of seeing somebody so stunning have their beauty stripped away from them like that.
Mar 13 2007Lindsay Lohan and Jude Law might be dating
Lindsay Lohan and Jude Law were spotted together at The Box on both Friday and Saturday night, sparking rumors they might be dating. A source says:
"She called Jude at 1 in the morning," said our spy, "and met him at The Box." "They are adoring one another's company," said one sly observer, who could not confirm or deny any "dating."
And in case you're wondering, yes, that is Jude Law dragging Lindsay Lohan by the arm. Didn't you know? He's a 300 pound black man.
Mar 13 2007Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen still scary as hell
Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen showed up to Paris Fashion Week a couple weeks ago looking like the Children of the Corn. Are they even trying to look like people anymore? I know Parisians take their fashion seriously, so I'm a little surprised nobody took them out back and beat them to death with croissants. I guess they figured you can't re-kill what's already dead.
A few more of the Olsen twins looking ready to feast on your soul after the jump.
Continue Reading "Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen still scary as hell"
Mar 13 2007Angelina Jolie almost has her new kid
A Vietnamese official says Angelina Jolie is just weeks away from getting her new 3-year-old son. Her application is being processed quickly and should be finished by the end of March at the latest. The director of the orphanage says about the child:
"He is in good health," Trung said, adding that he gets along with the other children and likes playing soccer. "He is a little bit shy."
And because Vietnamese law makes it difficult for unmarried couples to adopt, Jolie is applying solo. Like it actually matters for somebody like her. She could have three lesbian wives and a pet alligator and she'd still get this child. She probably thought she was being so crafty too. "I'll put down that I'm single. They'll never suspect!" And then she pulls her shirt over her head and pretends she's a ninja as she runs off into the night.
Mar 13 2007Charlize Theron gets her bikini on
Charlize Theron was spotted in her bikini hanging out at a Malibu beach over the weekend. And she has a nice body and all, but from the neck up she's starting to look like an old homeless woman. People with millions of dollars shouldn't have hair that looks like that. People with twelve dollars shouldn't have hair that looks like that. It's like instead of using a brush in the morning she just rubs her hair down with garbage.
Mar 13 2007Leonardo DiCaprio's bodyguards arrested
Two of Leonardo DiCaprio's bodyguards were arrested by Israeli police yesterday after getting into a fight with photographers near the Western Wall in Jerusalem. Leonardo DiCaprio and his girlfriend Bar Refaeli were visiting the site when photographers started up a media frenzy and a fight broke out.
I thought I was the only one who got into fights with photographers. I get it. I'm ridiculously good looking. That doesn't give you the right to hide in my closet to get a shot of me changing. I'm more than a piece of meat. Although I understand the interest. A woman once caught a glimpse of my abs and then burst into flames. True story.
Some video of the incident after the jump, in case the above photo wasn't quite satisfying enough.
UPDATE: The bodyguards have been released and cleared of all charges, and a restraining order has been issued against the photographers for being aggresive.
Mar 13 2007Evangeline Lilly slips her bikini butt
Evangeline Lilly almost lost her bikini bottom while attempting to surf in Hawaii over the weekend. Although it might've been a little more exciting if she had any discernible curves or womanly features. I feel like I'm looking at a dude in drag. She's cute as a button, but it looks like God got confused while sculpting her body and gave her Jean Claude Van Damme's ass by mistake.
Mar 13 2007Pink has the ideal body
Pink showed off her belly at a Bally Total Fitness Conference, though I'm not sure why they would want her as a guest. Yeah she's got muscles, but nobody's looking at Pink thinking that's their ideal body. They might as well have brought a gorilla out on stage and poked it with a stick while announcing: "Get a Bally Total Fitness membership and you too could look like this!"
Mar 12 2007Hilary Duff thinks she's sexy
Hilary Duff performed at London's GAY club last friday looking like this. There's something deeply disturbing about Hilary Duff trying to act sexy. It's like watching a six-year-old perform a striptease. Or seeing a horse put on some lipstick and mascara and try to be seductive by batting its eyes at you and neighing playfully.
Mar 12 2007Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee might be together again
Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee were spotted at The Ivy with their kids this week getting lunch as a family. And after exiting the restaurant the two were seen making out with their kids in the backseat.
Getting back together with the guy that gave you hepatitis C and used to beat you probably isn't the best idea. I'm starting to question Pamela Anderson's decision-making abilities. In a couple months she'll probably be spotted making out with a rusty nail and then telling all her friends, "It hurts so much, but he loves me so it's okay."
Mar 12 2007Angelina Jolie almost kidnapped not almost kidnapped
UN Goodwill Ambassador Angelina Jolie reportedly foiled a kidnapping attempt on her life. She tells the News of the World:
QUOTE REMOVED
Angelina Jolie always sounds like she's leading the most exciting life. All I did over the weekend was punch a terrorist in the mouth before stealing his helicopter and blowing up a gang of pirates. I guess nobody ever tries to kidnap me because they know they'd also be kidnapping the worst ass-kicking they'd ever receive in their entire lives.
UPDATE: I took the quote down because apparently it was 100% made up.
Mar 12 2007Ashley Olsen might be Axl Rose
Ashley Olsen was spotted getting some coffee in Beverly Hills yesterday wearing 80's denim cutoffs and a Prada turban. And I know the Olsen sisters are supposed to be fashionable or whatever, but I've never ever in my life seen them wear anything that hasn't looked ridiculously stupid. Is that what being fashionable means? Maybe I should start tucking my shirts into my underwear and wearing giant novelty sunglasses. I'll be the prettiest girl in town!
NOTE: I didn't notice before, but she's got a massive erection going on in those shorts.
Mar 12 2007Mandy Moore dumps DJ AM
Friends of Mandy Moore say she's dumped DJ AM and is single again. DJ AM (aka Adam Goldstein) used to date Nicole Richie and after they broke up he reportedly told friends he needed to date another high-profile person so he could get some more publicity. Sadly, his idea of high-profile is Nicole Richie and Mandy Moore. And now that they've both dumped him, he'll probably dress one of his friends up as the Burger King and pretend that they're dating.
Mar 12 2007Britney Spears changes for the camera
There's a bidding war going on (currently around $150,000) for a security tape showing Britney Spears changing into a bikini and fishnets with two dancers at New York's One nightclub last month. The two dancers were fired after management discovered the video of them doing some "serious partying" with Britney.
"The manager said there was a tape of them," said our spy. "Both the girls cried about it when they got fired, but they didn't deny it. There's a camera above the office back there that can see that whole room."
Who would want to see Britney Spears changing into a bikini and fishnets? Five years ago maybe, but now it'd just look like some special for National Geographic. The video could be of a beached humpback whale and all the bidders would be like, "Is that? Is that Britney? Are you sure? Did she lose some weight or something?"
Mar 12 2007Snoop Dogg arrested for drug use, shocking!
Snoop Dogg and a woman were arrested today in Sweden for suspected drug use. They were detained for four hours being released. A Swedish police officer says:
"He was arrested for use of narcotics. It's illegal in Sweden to use them, even to have it in your system," he said. "You can see that a person indicates that he has used narcotics in looking at his eyes or his movements. (Police) suspected that he had taken drugs."
You know how else you can tell if a person has been using drugs? If they look like Snoop Dogg. And you know how you can tell if a person is capable of dropping jaws and melting hearts? If they look like me. I'm dreamy.
