Mar 9 2007Paris Hilton has an amazing bra
Paris Hilton was spotted leaving for Area nighclub in Hollywood looking like she finally hit puberty. I mean wow, that has to be the world's most amazing bra ever. I once saw a guy cure another person's blindness just by holding his hands to his face, but even that wasn't as miraculous as this. She looks like she stuffed her bra with beach towels instead of tissues.
A few more shots of Paris and her enlarged boobs after the jump, including a video.
Mar 9 2007Rosie O'Donnell hangs upside down
Jesus Christ, dude. Can you imagine this thing hanging from the roof of your bedroom? She's like a vampire. Only instead of turning into a bat she turns into a hippo. And instead of drinking your blood she just eats a lot of food and farts.
Mar 9 2007Salma Hayek is engaged and pregnant
Salma Hayek's rep confirmed today that she's engaged to businessman Francois-Henri Pinault and that she's also pregnant. The news came after these photos of Hayek showed up and people started speculating. Although it doesn't take a master detective to deduce she was pregnant. The only other explanation for these photos would've been that she was training to become the newest addition to Sea World's manatee exhibit.
Mar 9 2007Madonna pulls a Britney
Madonna took a lesson from Britney Spears' Guide to Parenting and was caught riding in her Escalade with her 17-month-old son David on her lap. A source says:
"There was no car seat," a source tells Us. "She sat in the middle row, and they left with David on her lap." Reps for the legendary singer/children's book author tell Us that "proper security measures are always taken for Madonna's children."
This is Madonna's idea of "proper security measures"? I know she's insane, but she might as well replace his favorite rubber ducky bath toy with a toaster. Unless her idea of "proper security" is having her 17-month-old son flying out the windshield of her car. Then yeah, I guess that is pretty secure.
Mar 9 2007Haylie Duff and Kristin Cavallari are very famous
Haylie Duff and Kristin Cavallari were spotted partying together in South Beach on Wednesday. I'm guessing it was an annual convention for almost-celebrities or something. They probably sat in a circle and took turns telling each other about how they were almost recognized at Arby's, but turns out it was just the cashier asking if Diet Pepsi was okay instead of Coke.
Mar 8 2007Tom Brady may have impregnated Gisele Bundchen
A Brazilian site reported yesterday that Gisele Bundchen might be pregnant with Tom Brady's baby. She would be no more than two months pregnant, but the report says she may have already told friends and family. The news comes just weeks after Brady's ex, Bridget Moynahan, said she was pregnant with his child.
I always knew I hated Tom Brady I just wasn't sure why. I mean yeah, he ran over my dog with his car and punched my mom in the stomach, but knocking up Gisele? It just got personal, man.
Mar 8 2007Britney Spears doesn't need a dressing room
TMZ reports that prior to checking into rehab for the first time, Britney Spears was in Miami shopping at Bebe where a healthy dose of insanity ensued.
A source tells TMZ that Brit handed over her kids to the store's salespeople so she could peruse the racks of clothes. The gal's got priorities! When it came time to try the items on, Spears didn't bother with a pesky dressing room -- and stripped down right in the middle of the store -- in front of staff and other customers! We're told the "Toxic" singer even tried out some new dance moves for her shocked audience. Not long after Britney's impromptu boutique performance, the mother of two checked into rehab three times and shaved her head.
I'm excited to see how she'll turn out after she gets out of the Promises treatment facility. If rehab is anything like I imagine it to be she'll be a foot taller, have huge implants, and be riding a triceratops. Wait, what the hell is rehab? It's like a video game right?
Mar 8 2007UPDATE: Johnny Depp's daughter is ill
Johnny Depp's seven year old daughter Lily-Rose is apparently extremely ill and has been in the hospital for the past nine days, with Depp and his long-time girlfriend, Vanessa Paradis, having barely left her side. A source at the hospital says:
"The staff immediately recognised him when he walked through the door. He has not asked for any special favours but just wants the best for his child, like any parent. It is such a difficult time for him but he is hanging in there for the sake of his daughter and the whole family is just praying that she gets better. They are taking each day as it comes. It's been an emotional rollercoaster for all of them and he's been worrying himself silly. He wouldn't wish this on anyone and has been finding it hard keeping it together. He's a devoted dad and is spending as much time as he can with Lily."
Damn that's pretty awful. Not much to say here except that I hope she gets better.
UPDATE: Apparently the original cause of Lily-Rose's illness was an untreated prick by a rusty tack which caused blood poisoning that spread through her body and affected her vital organs. She's reportedly doing much better now though, which is more than I can say about the last guy I fought in a bare knuckles fighting match. Unless getting beaten to death by fists is considered 'doing much better.' Then yeah, I guess he is.
Mar 8 2007Paris Hilton is very modest
Paris Hilton reportedly has huge portraits of herself covering her home, and when guests arrived to her birthday party they were asked to sign a giant poster of her face. A reporter from the London Mirror says:
"Upon entry, guests were handed silver pens and told to write gushing messages on a gigantic portrait of the ever-modest party hostess." Hanging in the living room was an enormous picture of Hilton, and when guests entered the dining room - yet another "gargantuan" portrait of the heiress. Revelers were treated to fortune cookies, and the message inside each of them was the same: "Happy Birthday Paris."
Nothing Paris Hilton does could surprise me anymore. She could have a giant amusement park in her living room called Paris Hilton Land and it'd make sense. Every night she probably kisses a lifesize cardboard cutout of herself before crawling into a giant scultpure of her head and falling asleep.
Mar 8 2007Antonella Barba "topless" pics
I didn't put these up when they first came out because, well, I don't care about American Idol. But now it's gotten to the point where if you own a website you're required by the very laws of the universe to put up the "scandalous" Antonella Barba pics. So here they are. All of them. Now stop sending me emails and let's never speak of her again.
All gajillion pictures of Antonella Barba posing semi-nude after the jump. Most of these are LSFW or NSFW so try not to get fired.
NOTE: The ones of her giving a blowjob aren't on here because those aren't her.
Mar 8 2007Lindsay Lohan goes blonde
Lindsay Lohan spent six hours bleaching her hair blonde at the Neil George Salon in LA yesterday and then showed up to Mr Chow's the same night looking like this. Because nothing says "I'm not as dumb as you think" than blonde hair. Is this how she expects to be taken more seriously? She'd get more respect if she was wearing a Hitler mustache and clown shoes.
Mar 8 2007Rosie O'Donnell is sad, hangs upside down
Rosie O'Donnell says she began being treated for depression after the Columbine shootings and hangs upside down for up to a half-hour a day to improve her mental state. During a taping of The View to air Friday she said:
"I couldn't stop crying. I stayed in my room. The lights were off. I couldn't get out of bed, and that's when I started taking medication." Anyone concerned about the stigma of taking medication for depression should know that "it saved my life," she said.
Ahh, so that's why she's such an emo bitch who thinks writing in haiku makes her deep. And can you picture her hanging upside down? It'd be like seeing a walrus do gymnastics. She probably hangs on the bar trying to get her legs up, then after twenty minutes of grunting and heavy breathing she gives up and goes, "Yup. Good session."
Mar 7 2007Lindsay Lohan still a really hard worker
Lindsay Lohan went back to filming I Know Who Killed Me after getting out of rehab, but sources on the set says she's still as irresponsible as ever. Last month she allegedly kept crew members waiting for five hours because she wouldn't come out of her trailer. When she eventually did come out, she reportedly threw up and then went home.
Wow, that's a hard day of work right there. If they replaced her with Garfield nobody would be able to tell the difference, except maybe that she smelled like lasagna and got to work slightly earlier than usual. And because she's an idiot, here are some shots of her posing while shopping at Christian Dior in Beverly Hills yesterday. You wouldn't guess it because it looks so natural, but she's actually standing that way on purpose.
More of Lindsay Lohan posing for nobody after the jump.
Mar 7 2007Christina Aguilera excites and disturbs the senses
I throw around the phrase 'clown whore' a lot around here, but it's never been more fitting than it is here. Christina Aguilera was spotted at Hyde looking like she applied her makeup without the aid of a mirror (or hands?). It's like she's able to transform between a woman and a clown tranny at will. One of these days she's gonna show up and be a huge black man with a giant afro and a beard.
A few more of Christina Aguilera looking really really not good after the jump.
Continue Reading "Christina Aguilera excites and disturbs the senses"
Mar 7 2007Kirsten Dunst is really fun loving and attractive
Jesus, when is Kirsten Dunst's Maui vacation going to end? I can't take this anymore. How is anybody willing to spend any time with her? "Hey guys, let's all do this. This thing that I'm doing? It's fun. Let's all do it!" If there's any sort of humanity in this world, the next set of vacation pictures will be of her getting eaten by a shark while simultaneously being punched in the face by a grizzly bear. Do they hand out Nobel Prizes for photos? Because that would so win it.
A bunch more of Kirsten Dunst acting like a jackass after the jump.
Continue Reading "Kirsten Dunst is really fun loving and attractive"
Mar 7 2007Tara Reid sings Total Eclipse of the Heart
This is about two weeks old, but it's Tara Reid's rendition of Total Eclipse of the Heart which she sang at Sundance 2007. To call it a work of brilliance would be an understatement. I didn't even know my heart could feel this way up until now. I feel like a kid again, believing that magic is possible because that's the only way such beauty could be flowing from Tara Reid's lips.
Mar 7 2007Fergie wears bikini, confuses mind
I can't decide whether these shots of Fergie in her bikini are hot or disgusting. She's like a belly dancer from those old Looney Tunes cartoons, where she's got a nice body but when she pulls the mask away from her face it's really some dude with a beard and mustache. I spent 20 minutes with my pants down running between my computer and my bathroom, not sure if I was supposed to masturbate or throw up. Eventually I gave up and cured cancer instead, but unfortunately lost all my notes on my way to get a bagel.
A bunch more of Fergie in a bikini after the jump.
Mar 7 2007Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt almost complete their collection
Officials have confirmed that Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are adopting a 4-year-old son from Vietnam. The typical adoption procedure takes no more than four months, but Angelina is allegedly hoping to speed things up by promising to give $2 million to the Tam Binh orphanage on the day she receives the child.
For $2 million they can just adopt me. I don't cry or wet beds or anything. Plus I've got a college degree and can drive a car. I can also dunk a basketball. Let's see some stupid 4-year-old do that.
Mar 7 2007OJ Simpson might be Dannielynn's father
The always classy OJ Simpson is "throwing his hat into the ring" and claiming that he might be the father of Anna Nicole Smith's baby. A videographer who amassed a ton of footage of OJ Simpson says:
"He said he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father."
Simpson also allegedly told him:
"I hope they don't do a DNA test on Anna Nicole's baby. If they find out Dannielynn is mine, I don't want Fred Goldman trying to seize her money - or the baby herself."
I'm not sure if OJ Simpson is even a person anymore. Every time he's in the news he sounds like some sort of evil mythological being. If you asked a group of children if they knew who OJ Simpson was they'd probably tell you he was just a story their parents made up to scare them into behaving. Like the boogyman, only less believable.
Mar 7 2007Carmen Electra is generous
Carmen Electra was spotted giving a homeless guy some money recently. At least I think he's homeless. Judging by his clothes and backpack he's like the must successful homeless person in New York. And if you look at Carmen Electra's fingers there's not actually anything in there. Yeah, maybe the photo was taken after she dropped some change, but maybe (and this is the version I like to believe) she only pretended to hand the guy some money and then made a 'clink' noise with her mouth. Because why give poor people money when you can not give poor people money? Just do the math.
Mar 7 2007Nicole Kidman picks her dirty wedgie
Nicole Kidman was spotted picking her wedgie at the beach with Keith Urban recently. And even though she's almost as pale as Kirsten Dunst, the sight of her doesn't cause immediate gagging. That's probably because she's an actual woman, and not some sea creature captured off the coast of Japan.
More of Nicole Kidman and her really dirty bottom after the jump.
Mar 6 2007Jared Leto will freak you the fuck out
Purple Magazine has a photoshoot of Jared Leto showing his transformation for the John Lennon movie Chapter 27. The fat pictures were taken when he ballooned up to play Mark David Chapman, and the skinny pictures were taken six months later when he dropped all the weight. Although fat or skinny I think we can all agree on one thing: Jared Leto is really really sexy. I can't decide which of these pictures turns me on more. I think I'm going to print them both out and put them on either side of my bed. It'll be like a handsome sandwich filled with a generous helping of me.
A ton more shots of Jared Leto after the jump.
Mar 6 2007Britney Spears is real ultimate power
Britney Spears can kill anyone she wants! Britney Spears cuts off heads ALL the time and doesn't even think twice about it. This chick is so crazy and awesome that she flips out ALL the time. I heard that once Britney Spears was eating at a diner. And when some dude dropped a spoon Britney Spears killed the whole town. My friend Mark said that he saw Britney Spears totally uppercut some kid just because the kid opened a window.
Check out the rest here. I wonder what would happen if Britney Spears fought against a ninja? I think the universe would explode and they'd have to call in Chuck Norris to put it back together.
Mar 6 2007Kirsten Dunst still really beautiful
Kirsten Dunst was spotted reading Carl Sagan's "The Varieties of Scientific Experience" while hanging out on a Maui beach. I'm assuming she's reading the book to try and understand how a person can spend as much time in the sun as she does and still be this pale. It's like her ugly scares off sunlight the way it does eveyrthing else in the universe. She's like the repelling equivalent of a black hole.
More of Kirsten Dunst looking like a fox on the beach after the jump.
Mar 6 2007Rachael Ray might have rabies
Rachael Ray was bitten by a dog in Union Square Park Saturday when a stray attacked her pit-bull mix, Isaboo, and she defended it. Her rep says:
"This dog came up - there was no owner in sight - and became aggressive. Rachael and some others shooed it away, but it came back and attacked Isaboo. Other dogs were involved, and Rachael jumped in and was bit by one of the dogs on the leg. A nurse was in the park and checked her out. She's fine."
Shouldn't Rachael Ray be a little more concerned that a stray dog just bit her? I'm sure it was a very qualified nurse that looked at her, but in a month when she's foaming at the mouth and going crazy she's probably gonna think to herself, "Fuck, I probably should've gotten myself checked for rabies." And on a side note, a dog tried to bite my abs once, but gave up after realizing it couldn't bite through solid steel.
Mar 6 2007Eva Longoria kind of works out
I'm not entirely sure what's going on here. Eva Longoria lead a bunch of women on some sort of jog in Hollywood Hills over the weekend, but instead of actually jogging they just looked into people's backyards. And if you look at this shot there's like a grandma in there. I bet they started out all pumped to get in shape, then after walking down the street they got tired and decided they'd just case out their neighbors' homes instead.
A bunch more of Eva Longoria working out after the jump. Assuming, of course, that 'working out' means standing around and posing for pictures.
Mar 6 2007Sharon Stone is looking, uh, not young
Sharon Stone and her son were spotted at a flea market in Los Angeles over the weekend and Sharon looked pissed as hell. I'd probably be pretty angry too if I looked like her. Jesus, what happened? I've seen corpses that looked more healthy and youthful than this.
Mar 5 2007Kirsten Dunst gets molested by friend
Not sure what to make of these. Yeah, Kirsten Dunst is in a bikini getting her boobs molested by her friend, but that's about as exciting as hearing the fat lady who works at the gas station made a sex tape. If you've got a penis he probably looked up, shrugged, and then went back to the book he was reading.
A ton more of Kirsten Dunst in her bikini in Maui after the jump.
Mar 5 2007Christina Aguilera wears really tight dresses
Christina Aguilera performed at the Mandalay Bay in Vegas over the weekend and showed up to the afterparty at Pure wearing a dress so tight any underwear she might've been wearing probably fused to her body. I also suspect she had her nipples shaved off, since that's the only explanation for why they're not showing through her dress. Or maybe magic. It's hard for me to think straight when 94% of my blood has rushed to my groin.
A ton more of Christina Aguilera after the jump.
Continue Reading "Christina Aguilera wears really tight dresses"
Mar 5 2007Evangeline Lilly makes penises feel funny
Dominic Monaghan was spotted rubbing his balls while taking a walk with Evangeline Lilly in Hawaii. Although I don't know how flattered she should be, since he looks like he'd try to have sex with a lawn gnome. And who knows, if he wears heels he might even be as tall as one.
Mar 5 2007Josh Hartnett sort of beats people up
Josh Hartnett was involved in a bar fight last month in New York and his rep was spinning it that he was standing up for a woman's honor. But now witnesses have come forward saying it was basically his entourage kicking some guy's ass while he stood around watching:
"Hartnett was with a group of very aggressive guys and two girls," said a Whiskey Ward patron. "One of the girls in his group claimed a guy in the bar pushed her, and Josh's friends started getting really heated." "At about 4:15, a group of guys jumped [a fellow patron]," said a female witness to the incident. "They threw him to ground and kicked him. And Josh was just standing by and watching." Friends of Hartnett, along with his reps, denied that account, and said he tried to stop the fight by loudly saying, "Everyone just relax and grow up." His pals also claim the other guys were the aggressors, and that one of them "cold-clocked" a member of the actor's crew in the head.
So who are we supposed to believe? The multiple witnesses at the bar or the guy who thought those glasses were a good idea. Personally the only person I trust in all this is my leprechaun friend Bojangles. He lives on my shoulder and tells me to steal things.
Mar 5 2007Jared Leto breaks his nose
Jared Leto broke his nose at a concert for his band 30 Seconds to Mars when he ran into the crowd and was rushed by fans. He also hurt his foot and suffered minor injuries to his face and body, though managed to finish the show before checking into a hospital to make sure he didn't need any surgery.
I don't know what's more shocking, that Jared Leto has fans or that they unintentionally broke his nose. I'm thinking the more accurate version of the story is there was a lone girl in the audience who suddenly turned violent when she realized she wasn't watching Panic! at the Disco.
Mar 5 2007Nicole Richie is really really thirsty
Nicole Richie was treated for dehydration last Friday while working on The Simple Life and was taken to a hospital after feeling ill and being examined by an on-set doctor. She was given intravenous fluids for 15 minutes before being released.
Looks like eating isn't the only concept that eludes Nicole Richie. You know how you battle dehydration? You drink something. It's not exactly a medical mystery. She's so dumb she was probably rubbing her elbows in orange juice and going, "Is this right? Am I doing this right? I'm doing it! I'm drinking!"
Mar 5 2007Britney Spears is the Antichrist, tries to hang herself
Britney Spears allegedy tried to hang herself with a bedsheet after writing 666 on her shaved head and running around the rehab facility screaming "I am the Antichrist!" at frightened staff. A friend of her says:
"She attached a sheet to a light and tied it around her neck. Paramedics were called, but luckily she was unhurt." But within days out-of-control Britney had swung from suicidal to matrimonial as she told hubby Kevin Federline she wanted to take him back, renew their wedding vows and get pregnant.
What's left for her to do? The only way she could fall any farther is if she got huge boob implants and then drew a face on a watermelon and pretended it was her baby.
