Feb 20 2007Paris Hilton has no friends, throws weird parties

Is she trying to make love to that cake?

Ugh, clicked "post" by accident---is she trying to make love to that cake? And boy, that's a way to be sure you're the center of attention for your birthday party: be the only one there. Why didn't I think of that? Oh wait, I was too busy not doing cocaine and suckin' dicks like a semen-powered Hoover.

this is just too bizarre. a pack of fucking MIDGETS leading around goats??!?!?!?! truth is stranger than fiction indeed.

Paris the Dancing Clown Slut

Now available for childrens partys.

Pony costs extra.

Reportedly she DID manage to blow all the candles. Unfortunately all the goats were named 'candles'.

Go back and take a good look at those Man Hands. She's giving Pink a run for her money with those giant meat-paddles.

I like how the guy in the next to last picture is all 'her vagina is THIS deep!'

Um, is that a star and hand prints on her cake? Interesting. Midgets and goats, I expected that.

Apparently the goats and midgets were in one of those 'Paris Exposed' vids, but PETA started asking questions.

I was there.

I had a blast.

#10 I wouldn't admit that. That's actually sad.

geez, paris hilton sucks.

I bet Matt Leinart didn't even show up.

That poor cake.

At least it has candles to defend itself with.

Now I feel sorry for Iran.

Fuckin' people in the audience...idiots....they oughta be gassed.

Pack of goats? If you didn't think she was Satan's spawn before.. well here's your proof.

What??? You don't know who he is??? Ever heard of USC, only just the greatestest ever college football program ever (yes, including Orenthal James)? PUSSIES!

hey, I already "reported" on the midget/goat/monkey thing in the previous Paris article. Seriously, I'm now reporting on things before The Superficial?! That seems kinda sad given my lack of resources for celebrity gossip.

This just in... Paris Hilton hospitalized for 3rd degree wax burns to her lips. Sources say she got confused when they told her to "blow out the candles".

-- Jim

#16 weren't you a little premature in blasting people about not knowing who Leinart is before anyone even said they didn't know who he is? Kind of like your premature claim that USC is the greatest college football program ever! But that's a debate for a different website!

"More of Paris Hilton thinking she's the shit at her birthday party after the jump."

Is is the shit... the one you can't flush down the toilet no matter how hard you plunge.

I wonder how much it cost to make all the homeless people looked groomed and pretend to be fans?

#5 and #7, i've been reading the superficial for months but had no desire to comment... until now. i had to sign up just to tell you how funny your comments were.

* PS... I can spell at the level of a 3 year old apparently...

it's getting lamer every year, huh, Paris?

Meanwhile, somewhere in Hollywood, Thora Birch and her big fat NATURAL boobies are being ignored.

YOU AND ME, BABY! Nobody loves ya more than Sid!

I know you like to go shopping wearing crappy clothes, too. Maybe you even get drunk sometimes.

Nobody else cares, but I sure do! Woo! Yeah!

let's add this up: her natural hair is dark, her natural eyes are dark, she has HUGE HANDS AND FEET, she has a wonk eye and has had a nose job with cheek implants. Looking at her like that, she's a dead ringer for Jon Lovitz.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
party's over, literally....finally

By this time next year Bird Flu will take a backseat to a hybrid Human/Monkey herpes pandemic.

Well she doesn't look that upset about it

Don’t you think it’s funny that there are “hand prints” on the cake? They can’t be hers. They show up nicely in the shot where it looks like she is slowly deflating.

I don't really mind her messing around with fauna, it's expected of her. But for her to sully the fine institution of midgetry erotica is just something I will not stand for.

You've finally gone too far madam.

3rd photo down- 'if you have herpes and you know it clap your hands!'

In the final analysis, the majority of people don't give a damn about this swizzle stick-looking shitbag. I guess some folks are starting to wise up, so that tells me there's hope for the human race.

Yup it took a while but she's reached running joke status.

Her long run as a, "celeb" is/was 95% the fault of that monument to pure shit that is the fucking E Network.

#30 LMAO - call PETA. Poor Midgets.

It took a while but she's almost reached running joke status.

Her long run as a, "celeb" is/was 95% the fault of that monument to pure shit that is the fucking E Network

This is actually kinda sad. How delusional does one have to be to throw a party for oneself, with a cake decorated like the Hollywood Walk of Fame, since your own name, star, or handprints aren't actually on it (and never will be!), and rent-a-friends? Look at the 2 girls on either side of camera girl in the 2nd pic--they're thinking "Fuckin' A, she's a delusional bitch. I wonder if we'll get free cocaine if we hang around long enough?"

on the left side of the cake... did they finally find a useful purpose for cisco adler's balls?

ASSIE!!! where the fuck have you been, girl?

That's one of Kim Kardashian's specialty Cleveland Steamer cakes.

I wonder just exactly what the faces of the salespeople look like when they repeat back to her "Uuhhh... size 11? You'll have to shop on THAT side..." at which point they motion toward the tranny sizes being tried on by PuPaul and Dennis Rodman. It takes one stupid selfish friendless beeotch to throw her own party without any friends.

Those 'handprints' on the cake are trying to emulate those from the Hollywood Walk of Fame. Small problem: they only give those out to talented artists who have worked hard throughout their career, who have real respect from the rest of the world and have made a real contribution to the world of entertainment. Last time I checked they didn't have any spots free for filthy, gangly, disease ridden, coke-addled self promoting whorebags, whose reason for being here becomes harder to figure out every day. Nice try, slut.

THIS JUST IN:
Britney Spears has entered rehab AGAIN!!
http://www.mercurynews.com/mld/mercurynews/entertainment/music/16735607.htm

Breaking news NOT brought to you by the Fish, but by a dedicated blogger.

So Britney's finally actually in rehab... maybe she shaved her hair so they would have an easier time attaching the electrobes to her brain to get some electrical activity, being that it hasn't been used in so long.

grape... I understand the midgets and goats, and even the monkey... but the cake is hilarious. She's waaaaaaay off.

What's more fuckedup? This diseased yak with paid hangers on, midgets, and goats, thinging that she is the star the universe revolved around ... or Anna Nicole in scary clown makeup?

Paris is scarier. At least Anna was in some way amusing.

WAAAAIT a second, is she packing a strap on???? wtf is that is pic 3 & 4
SHE'S A TRANNY!!!!

When I read "guests reported seeing Hilton play with a monkey while a band of midgets led a pack of goats around the room", I thought, "Someone knows my secret shame". I can never show my face to Paris Hilton again. At least, not until that restraining order expires. Whoops, gotta go, Sirens!

I WAS RIGHT!! (#23) in other news it was reported that the "goat said it was the lamest party ever".

piss off lisa

The midgets were her dates. Or the goats were. Depending on how much champagne was consumed. Though I don't think the goats could get that drunk.

Paris Hilton is so useless, she even has no talent at being a whore. Her leaked "porn" video is pathetic, she just lays there the whole time like a dead fish. She pretends to be some "sex goddess," but a corpse would make a better sex partner than her.

What happened to her circles?
Eh...who cares. I just think it's HILARIOUS that nobody showed up at her party. She's like a child. A retarded child.
Paris, go put on your helmet and wait for the short bus.....

A monkey, some midgets and a few goats?

Sounds like a regular Friday night to me.

Thank God enrapturelj's Avon spam got whacked. NO ONE HERE CARES! Good Job, Fish!
#10 - We're all very sad for you, indeed. You shouldn't let yourself get thrown into a van like that.
#17 - What you and I did happens on this site all of the time. It's the only way to stay current.
#18 - lmao.
#25 - very true. Well done!
#37 - A-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!
{wipes away tears}
#40 - Hey, troll, what's a "PuPaul"?
#52 - a corpse named Anna Nicole?

How self absorbed and deluded can a person be? A birthday cake of a Hollywood Walk of Fame star? Being a Professional Celebrity does NOT get you one of those. Having talent, dignity, self respect, and a good taste accomplishment gets you that. Next thing you know she'll submit her application to run for President. Sorry if I echoed the same sentiment as #41 too closely.

Who the hell poses next to a cake like that? It's like she once read a book of Cheesy 1940's Cheesecake photos and decided to base her existance on them.

I love how she didn't invite her supposed BFF's Kim Karsasian because she didn't want her to get all the attention because of the new sex film....hmmm, probably should have invited her Paris, when the ONLY other famous person there is your sister Nicki....well, she's even more D list than you are.

Little Billy: A Goat's Shame

Lifetime Movie Network Premiere

Synopsis:

Young Billy, a sassy and industrious goat from Arkansas has big dreams of making it in the city of angels. Little did he know that his life would be forever changed into a tragedy by a night with Paris Hilton.

Check cable and satellite listings.

I'd mash that cake in her face, but why take my anger out on the cake?

Of course Nicole Ritchie didn't show up.....isn't she in prison or something???

she deserves pretty much everything bad that happens to her. she should try being less self-centered and conceited. i want to become friends with her, earn her trust, then beat the shit out of her.

#7: I love you. :)

She should have invited Britney Spears. After all, she gave BS some of her new wig.

what a fucking joke slut waste of my time...these people could be doing real things with their money...like building more schools and cleaning up the oceans...ah whats the point!!!!!

her face is like Jon Lovitz! she looks so much like her mother (washed up child star+plastic surgery>turned average 50year old churchlady housewife looking adult) must be terrible to wake up with her real face/eye color and hair and then begin the transformation everyday. "I'm taking the wig down from the shelf..." Although she'll never be a Hedwig, it is the highest she can aspire to.

Hey PONK! :-)

I've been around, sort of. Not really keeping up with all the blogging stuff--I'm either busy or I'm sick. Bleh.

Hope all of you are doing well! :-)

You gotta hand it to the dumb whore. She parades on a stage like she's receiving an Oscar. She gets a cake for her birthday that she ordered for herself indicating in her imaginary world that she is a star.

But she's smart enough not to let her BFF who did a better porno upstage her.

That and her herpes and variety of other STDs. Clueless.
She'll never be another Brittany cuz she's too stupid to realize she's the joke.

These are the "guests"?

I thought it is customary to mingle with guests, not prance around on stage while everyone else is restrained behind velvet ropes and security goons.

I don't know who is more stupid and pathetic, the asswipes who chose to attend or the skinny bitch herself.

I think she felt upset inside since most of her friends (or none!) never showed up. Call me weird but I feel sorry for her since it IS her birthday! I mean, I'd be really upset if no one came to my party!
But for Paris, her fans are in the background celebrating with her. So I take it they're her real friends!

Is it just me or does she only have about 16 candles on her birthday cake?

BRUAHAHAHAHAHA!! oh dear god. paris is a nasty skank, but dancing monkeys, midget bands leading goats around... thats fukkin funny shit.

maybe im not completely in love with myself
but i could never just stand on a stage
and dry hump some ugly birthday cake
while my so called friends are standing behind a gate like 50 feet away.

I think it's great BTW that noone really showed up to her party and that she had to invite a bunch of nobody "fillers" thats awesome, haha you loser, vapid stupid twat.
you pissed off all your friends. I betcha they were all over Lohan's place snorting thier brains out and doing impressions of her. Her dress is hidieus; i think its made out of prince's left over materiel from purple rain. and her shoes dont match the dress. stupid vapid trannie.

The cake has a "Star" with hand prints as in the "Hollywood Walk of Fame".

In other words Paris is a Super-Star that one day will be on the Walk of Fame.

I kinda doubt it.

Honestly I do feel sorry for her.

All that money isn't buying her dignity. She doesn't care since she's so stuck on herself. She's really going to need those plastic surgeons later on in life after all that hard partying..if she makes it to middle age.

Yay, Paris Hilton is one more year closer to dying of old age! A cause for celebration, indeed!

I do not endorse the exploitation of those with mental impairments. At what point will the press stop covering this mental midget high school dropout. She isn't fun to laugh at since she now is closer to 30 than she is 20.

Trust Slim to find the inhumanity in all of this. Those midgets are going to be suicidal after bein humiliated in that way and now they have STDs. I've been told STDs work faster on midgets. Now, the goats, they can't catch the STDs but now all of them have ringworm. Where's PETA when you need them? Aren't midgets protected by Ringling Brothers Association? No midget is ever going to get an erotica gig after this because of the STD scandal. This is all so tragic. Damn Paris and her birthdays! Bitch should just get old quietly.

So she actually doesn't invite someone she considers a friend to her party because she's THAT much of an attention whore? What a bitch!

No wonder no one came to her party, she doesn't have any real friends because she treats her friends like crap.

when will her liver just shrivel up and let her die? it's very funny how no one "important" showed up to see this pathetic and anorexic douchebag celebrate her having survived another year of useless existence.
paris-- please get a bag of tainted coke and give yourself a well-deserved heart attack asap!!!

Paris about 11 candles short of an adult birthday cake

43. Hmmm, I wonder if that would work on my penis, ...

Anyone with 15 grand can buy a star on the walk of fame. Sad but true.

I wish noone would write comments about her (including me ofcourse). She is not even worth this bad attention! She´s walking around like a star, beleiving she got fans... and it´s working!!! Everybody is writing about her, she is in every magazine etc. I wish it could just stop, I wish she could just vanish and next time there´s a story about her here I wish the comments will be 0...

LMFAO #7. :D

MAN HANDS! OH MY GOD. IF YOU HAVE GIGANTIC, MONSTROUSLY MANLY HANDS, DO NOT SWING THEM ABOUT!! (pics 3, 4).

oh, and she's obviously high in these photos.

Imagine having to eat a piece of that cake after she blew her disease-laden breath over it.

Mmm.. extra herpes juice on mine please!

she's getting old and ugly

Yeah, those hands are pretty gross :/

Her legs are gross, too.

Not like a real woman...like THORA BIRCH! Yeahhh!

Fucking piece of shit Paris.

Wahahaha.. that's awesome. I was like "Thora who?" so I looked her up..

"Birch was born in Los Angeles, California, the eldest child of Jack Birch and Carol Connors. Both her parents (who have managed her career and remain her managers right up to the present day) were former adult film actors and her mother appeared in the notorious pornographic film, Deep Throat"

Yeah, I'm sure she could give Paris a run for her money. :D

Paris needs to take out those contacts before she goes blind! For real.

They're not helping her to look any better. She's as ugly as homemade sin anyhow.

What a fucking dumbass!

Is that Cisco Adler's ball sac poking through her dress???

LOL literally!!! <3

LOL!!!

literally!!! <3

Sid and Thora sitting in a tree...

What a fake whore.

Walmart cake ? ?

What a fake slut.

Here's some observations you may have missed:

Pics 1&2: You'd think Paris would want to draw attention AWAY from her man-hands. Why then does she have effigies of them on her birthday cake? Yes, you guessed it: because she's a closet genius, worried that her intelligence might overshadow her sex appeal, so she acts really, really, really, really, REALLY dumb to make sure people only identify her by her looks. Case in point: the cake has 16 candles instead of 26

Pic 3: Here we're given our first glimpse of Hilton's halo. Surprisingly, it's made of penises. Go figure. The infamous hands also make their presence known. In a BIG way

Pic 4: Either Paris has a hideously malformed left hand with 3 fingers and a disgustingly crooked thumb, or the camera angle and lights make it look that way. I'd go with the former. Also note that the lady in the front row with the green, purple and white dress has found something infinitely more interesting to focus the camera on: herself

Pic 6: Turns out the halo was a chandelier. Still, you must be pretty slutty if a phallus is the only thing you let brighten up your day

Pic 7: Urgh

When I imagine what some of those 'friends' in the audience might be saying, it sounds in my mind like the little girls from South Park: "What a bitch!" "She's such a stupid whore!". Of course, Shitface believes these are actually compliments.

SLIT

THIS SLUTS

THROAT

I know how touchy girls can be when you forget their birthday.Happy birthday to you Paris and have a good one.

when will this half-a-gene-shy, freak of nature just go away....

man, after looking at those photos again, holy shit she is one ugly bitch.

Look at her hands, they look huge and mishaped!!

Ew, I mean, she's delusional.

barbado # 57--
too classic!! that one goes in the scrapbook!

also, @WTF #50, i've got even worse news for you. it's possible to get a star for $500.00 (yes, FIVE HUNDRED) depending on the genre (movie, music, whatever), locatation and probably popularity. i know some idiots tried to do it, but our particular fave musician said "thanks, but no thanks".
beautiful moment!

good times.

im not suprised

lazy eye lol

well, i guess that's what you get when you're that self-centered

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I can't stand Paris Hilton. She isn't Pretty at all. she looks like a giant piece of SHIT and Kim karshian is so pretty why is she talking about her ass looking like cottage cheese She can't comment on someon ass because she doesn't know what if feels like to have one herself NOt to talk about having no tits