Feb 9 2007Britney Spears flashes her thong
I wasn't really happy going into the weekend with a Justin Timberlake music video so here are some shots of Britney Spears flashing her thong and looking like she doesn't know how to eat a lollipop. Normally a woman sucking a lollipop and flashing her thong is smoking hot, but this just makes me want to donate to Special Education programs. In that first picture it looks like she's thinking, "I can't wait to get home and do my finger paints!"
A couple more of Britney Spears and her thong after the jump.
UPDATE: Looks like she's putting on lip gloss, not sucking a lollipop. Guess that makes her even less sexy than I originally thought. Bravo, Britney. Bravo.
Feb 9 2007Justin Timberlake and Scarlett Johansson make music videos
Sorry for all the Anna Nicole Smith. To break it up here's Justin Timberlake's music video for "What Goes Around... Comes Around" which premiered on iTunes today. It's basically the longest music video ever and is the supposed reason Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake broke up. So if you need to rinse Anna Nicole Smith from your brain give it a little look before it's pulled off YouTube.
Feb 9 2007Anna Nicole Smith definitely died of something
Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy was performed this morning and the police held a press conference saying there was no evidence that her death was a crime. The medical examiner said no pills were found in her stomach, although the final determination of the cause of death will take another three to five weeks. He did rule out any physical injury, such as blunt force trauma, gunshot wounds, or asphyxia (meaning she didn't suffocate to death on her own vomit), and said the death could only be attributed to natural or chemical causes.
Also, a search of Anna Nicole's hotel room showed no illegal drugs, although prescription medicines were found in the name of Howard K. Stern, and included Valium, methadone (part of the deadly combination that killed her son), antibiotics, and other over-the-counter drugs including cold and flu medicines.
So there you have it. The mystery of Anna Nicole Smith's death is finally solved. And by solved I mean it's even more confusing now than when we started. Halfway through the police investigation they're gonna discover a giant rubber chicken suit and it's gonna somehow play a vital role in all this. And then a man with one glass eye will step forward and throw the entire case off the trail.
Feb 9 2007Anna Nicole Smith's death gets even crazier
Zsa Zsa Gabor's husband, Prince Frederick von Anhalt, is claiming he had a decade-long affair with Anna Nicole Smith and he might be Dannielynn's father. There's already a paternity suit over the 5-month-old baby, with Larry Birkhead saying he's the real father even though the birth certificate lists Howard K. Stern, but von Anhalt says:
"If you go back from September, she wasn't with one of those guys, she was with me." He said he would file a lawsuit if Dannielynn is turned over to Stern or Birkhead. "She was a very big fan of Zsa Zsa and wanted to be like Zsa Zsa," he said. "She wanted to be a princess." He said the two started an affair soon after, meeting over the years in Los Angeles, San Francisco and New York. For much of that time, he said, Smith urged him to make her a princess like his wife. But short of divorcing the actress, he said the only solution would have been adopting Smith. Von Anhalt said he did consider that and even filled out adoption papers, but Gabor refused to sign them.
I'm not even sure we're talking about a person anymore. Now it sounds like some terribly written cartoon where even the writers are worried they've taken the story too far.
Feb 9 2007Chyna Doll cries like a little baby
Joanie Laurer (aka Chyna Doll who used to be Chyna on the WWF) broke down in tears last night on "Larry King Live" as she talked about her "friend" Anna Nicole Smith who she met while filming her last film Illegal Aliens. And to make things even weirder, a spokesperson for Trimspa kept interrupting her saying Anna Nicole told her that Chyna was "a stalker" and not her friend. And I know it's usually not cool to make fun of somebody while they're grieving, but I'm pretty sure an exception can be made for stalkers. Christ, can you imagine looking out your window and seeing this thing hiding in the bushes? No wonder Anna Nicole was taking sedatives. If I saw this face every time I looked over my shoulder I'd probably start drinking horse tranquilizers by the bucket.
Feb 9 2007Anna Nicole Smith suspected of drug overdose
Anna Nicole Smith's autopsy is scheduled for later today, but sources are already saying the evidence points towards a drug overdose. Numerous sources have come forward saying she appeared to be having a drug overdose before her death.
"Anna looked extremely bloated when she vomited out something white before having a seizure early this afternoon," a hotel employee tells Us. "The reaction was so violent that people in the hotel thought she had some tragic food poisoning. But we were told it was a drug overdose by the people who saw it." According to another hotel employee, Smith felt sick all week and had been experiencing headaches, stomach aches, nausea and flu-type symptoms, and may have been taking a drug for this. (A source told Access Hollywood that Smith had taken what was referred to as a "children's sedative," and had been "passing out" earlier that day.)
And on today's Good Morning America, Anna Nicole Smith's mom said she suspected drugs, saying:
"I think she had too many drugs, just like Danny (Anna Nicole's son). I tried to warn her about drugs and the people she hung around with. She didn't listen. She was too drugged up. She was so wasted."
I'm not even sure why I'm posting this since the autopsy is coming and then we'll know for sure. If we're gonna do some wild speculation why not go with the theory that she was shot into a wall with a giant slingshot? There's basically an equal amount of evidence at this point.
Feb 9 2007Rosie O'Donnell is a fake bitch
Rosie O'Donnell released a statement about Anna Nicole Smith's death, saying:
"So sad. It's unbearably tragic, that poor little baby."
Unfortunately, just a few hours before Anna Nicole died Rosie was ranting on The View about how sick of seeing her she was, even doing an impression of her trying to speak. She said:
"If I have to see Anna Nicole Smith one more time on television, one more time, that woman and her paternity tests and she can hardly even speak now. She can't even speak. (insert insulting impression here) It's a tragedy all around. Her son died. She has this little baby. There's obviously some kind of medication or substance involved."
I'm not wishing death on anybody, but Jesus do I wish Anna Nicole Smith and Rosie O'Donnell could switch places. At least Anna Nicole Smith was entertaining to watch. I'm not sure what Rosie O'Donnell contributes to entertainment except for making everybody else look that much better. And her making fun of the way somebody speaks is like Stephen Hawking making fun of somebody's 100 meter dash time. If Rosie's voice was any more nasally it'd probably cause your ears to hemorrhage.
Feb 9 2007Video of Anna Nicole Smith's final moments
Footage of Anna Nicole Smith's final moments sold for more than $500,000 yesterday after a media bidding war. If you haven't already seen the footage, the video shows paramedics working on an unresponsive Anna Nicole as she was wheeled from the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. This is pretty much the only news in the world right now so prepare yourselves for an Anna Nicole Smith marathon.
Feb 8 2007UPDATE: Anna Nicole Smith rushed to hospital is dead
Anna Nicole Smith was transported to Memorial Regional Hospital in Hollywood, Florida just after 2pm after she collapsed at the Seminole Hard Rock Hotel and Casino. She was found unresponsive in her hotel room and CPR was performed on her and a breathing apparatus was inserted into her throat. Local streets were closed off to rush her to the hospital and paramedics were seen pumping her chest as she was taken to the hospital.
The story is still breaking so I'll keep information posted as it comes in. If Anna Nicole's life is anything like I've come to expect there'll be a surprise twist at the end. Like a former lover tried to kill her or something, but he's also her secret twin brother.
UPDATE: Jesus, Anna Nicole Smith is officially dead at the age of 39. According to police reports, she was already dead when she was found in her hotel room.
UPDATE 2: Apparently Anna Nicole Smith was staying with a private nurse at the hotel and the nurse was the one who found her and called 911. Nobody's sure why she was staying with a nurse, but hospital sources are speculating she might have died of heart failure. An autopsy is scheduled for tomorrow, and if that doesn't get to the bottom of this I've got a trench coat and magnifying glass waiting in my closet. Detective Awesome is on the case!
Feb 8 2007Jessica Alba wears napkins in her hair
Jessica Alba was spotted on the set of The Eye without her makeup on. And I'm not going to pretend I understand why she's wearing napkins in her hair because I don't. At least she's got two in there. Can you imagine if she only had one? Man, she'd look ridiculous!
A bunch more of Jessica Alba with napkins clipped to her head after the jump.
Feb 8 2007Mary-Kate Olsen makes out with strangers
20-year-old Mary-Kate Olsen was spotted at Bungalow 8 Tuesday night "weaving around and kept falling off the banquettes she was dancing on." A rep for Mary-Kate insists she's sober and declined comment, but a source adds:
"She made out with three random guys and was wearing a Mardi Gras mask."
She was wearing a Mardi Gras mask? How could anybody fucking tell? And who is looking at this face thinking to themselves, "You know what I'm gonna do? I'm gonna make out with the clown monster in the corner." Did they lose a dare? Or maybe they were so drunk they thought they were dead and this was Satan coming for their eternal soul.
Feb 8 2007Sienna Miller puts makeup on her butt
Sienna Miller says she got makeup put on her butt to cover up stretch marks while doing her nude scenes in Factory Girl. She tells Closer magazine:
"They spray makeup all over your body so you don't see the stretch marks that we girls all have. One day I'll wake up and my bum will be on the floor."
To be fair I put makeup on my genitals. Not to cover anything up, just to make my penis appear smaller than it really is. I speak from experience when I say my penis in its natural state would knock women out from awe.
Feb 8 2007Kirstie Alley is really skinny
Remember when Kirstie Alley went on Oprah in a bikini to prove how skinny she was? Only she wasn't skinny? Well she's still not skinny. I don't think 'plump' even covers it. After these pictures were taken Kirstie actually lifted her nose up, took a few sniffs in the air, and then ran down and ate the photographer. True story.
A bunch more of Kirstie Alley looking like the fist documented land whale after the jump.
Feb 8 2007Kim Kardashian to sue over sex tape
Kim Kardashian is planning to sue to prevent the release of her sex tape with Ray J. She says she's "hurt and embarrassed" and had "nothing to do" with the tape being made public. Although if she had any brains at all (which she doesn't) she'd ride the sex tape to fame and fortune like Paris Hilton did. And by fame and fortune I mean ridicule and herpes. Just like them real stars in the talkies!
Feb 7 2007Britney Spears gets her thong pulled
I'm sure there'll be a day when Britney Spears finally cleans herself up and wins back the heart of the public, but that day is not today. Oh, no, not today. Today we have Britney Spears at a club getting her thong pulled by a stranger. And yeah, if it sounds classy that's because it is classy.
Feb 7 2007Mischa Barton and Cisco Adler not broken up
Us Weekly reported today that Mischa Barton broke up with Cisco Adler after a nude picture of him (so NSFW it's not even funny) surfaced on the web last month, but Adler's rep insists they're still together, saying: "They are fine - very happy together." Regarding the picture, Cisco adds:
"Mischa wasn't too excited, to say the least," Adler tells the New York Observer in Wednesday's issue. "I think it was actually worse for her than for me in some ways. So yeah, I'm gonna try to keep my pants on from now on."
For the love of all that is good, yes, please, keep your pants on. Always. Even in the shower. Peeing, pooing, whatever. There's no excuse for Cisco Adler to ever be naked. I'm not up to date on the Bible but I'm pretty sure his balls break at least seven of the ten commandments. I can't even begin to comprehend how low Mischa Barton's self-esteem must be if she's seen Cisco naked and still wants to be with him. His nudity is like an insult to nature. And his balls? Well his balls look like they were crafted from evil itself.
Feb 7 2007Tori Spelling is almost too attractive
I have seen the face of sexy and it is Tori Spelling. Whoever said pregnant women are gross obviously never saw this. Is it wrong to hump your monitor? Because I've already done it twice and number three is looking awfully tempting right now.
Feb 7 2007Britney Spears has wild lesbian orgies
I think this is old news, but In Touch Weekly claims Britney Spears is into girls and has been living "a secret life of wild sex long before her marriage ended." A friend of Kevin Federline says:
"Britney was into threesomes and girls." He says Britney would often invite a bunch of girlfriends over to the couple's house to party. An insider who knows the couple well says that over the course of a night, Britney would often disappear into a bedroom with her girlfriends. "Sometimes it was three girls, and sometimes there were more like six," the insider says. "I heard about her being with girls at least 20 times while they were married." A friend says that Kevin plans to use tales of Britney's secret sexual exploits and drug use in his battle for custody of their sons, Sean Preston, 17 months, and Jayden, 5 months. "She has told Kevin more than once that she is sexually attracted to women and men equally," says the pal. "He wants to show that she's not such an angel after all."
Keep in mind this is Kevin Federline and his friends making the claims, and their combined IQ is almost that of a raisin. I mean, yeah, she does look like she's slowly morphing into a lesbian, but does anybody really believe she's having sex with six girls at a time? I'm surprised K-Fed didn't add that she has cooties and smells like cheese.
NOTE: Judging from the picture she probably actually does smell like cheese. Cheese might not even be a pungent enough description.
Feb 7 2007Britney Spears dumped by Isaac Cohen
Isaac Cohen reportedly broke up with Britney Spears over the phone Sunday night while she was in New York and he was in Los Angeles. Isaac's agent confirmed the split, saying: "They are no longer an item." A friend of Isaac claims he was "looking to get out of the relationship for awhile," adding:
"It was a bit much for him. There was a lot of drama - it was too much of a whirlwind. It wasn't one thing in particular. He likes her. They had a good time together. He was doing his best to help her out - but there is only so much one person can do."
This isn't like getting dumped by George Clooney, this is like getting dumped by the crazy guy who lives by himself in the woods. Isaac Cohen is a nobody and Britney Spears is filthy fucking rich. She could have a tiny old man growing out of her back and he theoretically would've stayed with her, so how far off the scale must she be where he was like, "This is just too much." I'm guessing it was her constant oinking in bed. It takes a powerful mind to deal with unwillingly having sex with a farm animal.
Feb 7 2007Kim Kardashian sex tape is almost here
Looks like Kim Kardashian's sex tape with Ray J is very real and is about to be released. Vivid Entertainment purchased the tape for $1 million and will have it released February 28 with the title Kim Kardashian Superstar. Although I'm not entirely sure why they're calling her a superstar, since last I checked she's not famous and gets peed on in the video. Superstars don't get peed on. Regular stars don't even get peed on. That's a special privilege reserved for homeless people and drunk friends.
You can catch the NSFW trailer here. Watch it at work if you hate your job!
Feb 7 2007Drew Barrymore and Zach Braff get it on
After splitting with Fabrizio Moretti recently, Drew Barrymore has reportedly started getting close with Zach Braff. They "were very into each other" during the SNL after-party at Sapa, and the two spent the night in the corner "really focused on each other." A rep for Barrymore insists they're just friends but a source says Drew's friends are telling everybody they're "definitely dating."
I don't really care about either of these people so here's an amusing digital short from Drew Barrymore's SNL last week.
Feb 6 2007Michelle Rodriguez knows fashion
Michelle Rodriguez showed up to Marc Jacobs' fashion show during New York's fashion week yesterday wearing a black band around her ankle that monitors alcohol intake. The court ordered her to wear it for 90 days after she was arrested for a DUI last year and she has 20 more days to go.
Somebody should also let her know she's wearing a shower curtain for a dress. Unless that was a conscious decision to distract from her anklet. Although considering it's Michelle Rodriguez I'm just amazed she didn't show up dressed as a lumberjack.
NOTE: I've gotten some emails so I'm gonna clarify that the anklet wasn't put on as a joke. It's a Secure Continuous Remote Alcohol Monitor to be worn 24 hours a day. It has a small pump inside which scoops up a trace amount of perspiration vapor from the ankle every half-hour and records the alcohol level. Once a day the offender has to connect the device and transfer the data online to the court.
Feb 6 2007Fergie flashes her panties
Fergie flashed her panties this past weekend during a Super Bowl concert. If you look at her dress the front seems pulled up, like she was actually trying to show off her panties. I'd understand it if they were covered in diamonds and had a picture of a ninja on the front, but why would you show off those? It's like she's showing us her penis-removal surgery went splendidly.
Feb 6 2007OJ Simpson's "hypothetical" confession not accurate enough
OJ Simpson claims that when he was offered the chance to write "If I Did It" he told the publisher he wished it would never come out because it made him look guilty and it didn't accurately reflect how he actually would've done it. He tells the Palm Beach Post:
"I hope this book never comes out. It made it look too much like an admission of guilt. I wasn't happy with the hypothetical paragraphs. A ghostwriter wrote the whole thing, and I OK'd it. But there were a lot of inaccuracies about the case and about how I would have done things. But I figure I'd let it go since I didn't kill anyone." Was he surprised that the public was so outraged by news of the book? "I don't care," Simpson told the paper. "I got paid just the same."
So basically he didn't like the hypothetical murder book because it wasn't accurate enough. I mean, really? That's the story we're going with, OJ? He should just write "I'm innocent" on a bunch of knives and walk down the street sticking them into strangers.
Feb 6 2007Tara Reid falls down...again
During the Ocean Drive Magazine/Market America party Saturday night, Tara Reid missed a step at the end of the red carpet and fell off of it onto sand. She immediatley blamed her friends for tripping her, but a source says:
"They were at least 5 feet away from her but she yelled 'You guys fucking tripped me.' Everyone was speechless."
She's like a child. I thought the alcohol made her like this but turns out she's just really really really really stupid. If they ran a brain scan on her the doctors would be like: "My god, this woman is dead!" And then she'd wave her fingers and be like: "No guys, I'm right here." And then she'd try to take a bite out of the lamp and the doctors would look at each other and nod their heads in understanding.
A few more of Tara Reid looking pretty decent after the jump.
Feb 6 2007Justin Timberlake and Scarlett Johansson get it on
Justin Timberlake and Scarlett Johansson hooked up at the Hennessey Super Bowl postgame party over the weekend. Sources say:
"They were talking, dancing, holding hands all night - it was very cozy. Then, as they left through the back, Justin was leaning against the wall and Scarlett came up, leaned into him and did a sexy, little dance, grinding into his body."
What the hell? So all this time all I had to do was become an international pop star to win Scarlett Johansson over? And here I was sneaking into her bedroom and stealing her underwear and painting "I love you" on the walls. Oh, Scarlett, your heart is a mystery to me.
Feb 5 2007Jessica Simpson is insane and possibly a man
Jessica Simpson was spotted at Hyde over the weekend still looking like a tranny but with new hair. And don't even ask what the hell she's doing with her face. I'm assuming the hair dye had a reaction with her brain. You know, like completely melting it. I can't believe she used to be hot. Now it's like watching an orangutan try to be sexy.
A ton more of Jessica Simpson acting like an ass with her stupid giant mouth after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jessica Simpson is insane and possibly a man"
Feb 5 2007Mischa Barton shows off her butt in tights
It's not really an upskirt so I won't call it that, but Mischa Barton was spotted showing off her butt in leggings. And what an unappetizing show it was. It's like looking at my grandma in her panties. The only way these could be any less arousing is if diarrhea was pouring out the bottom.
Feb 5 2007Jennifer Lopez gets humped by Marc Anthony on stage
Christ, when I first saw these photos I thought JLo was being attacked by a zombie. But turns out it was just Marc Anthony trying to force himself onto her at Ocean Drive's Super Bowl XLI gala. Isn't there a point where whatever drugs you've been tricked into taking wear off and you realize you've married a mutant? She could've married a dead hobo and it would've made more sense than this. It'd probably also cut down on the public humpings.
Feb 5 2007Britney Spears keeps her tags on
Britney Spears flew from Vegas to New York last week to attend New York Fashion Week, and apparently had plans to return her dress to Wal-Mart because she was photographed with the tag still attached. Which is especially embarrassing considering it was at Fashion Week. She might as well have written 'Gucci' in permanent marker on a paper bag and then showed everybody her new 'purse.'
NOTE: I can't actually tell where the tag is from so I just assumed Wal-Mart. It's equally possible she got it from JC Penny or a gas station.
Feb 5 2007Andy Dick tries to molest Ivanka Trump
Andy Dick was dragged off Jimmy Kimmel Live last week after he kept touching Ivanka Trump. It's especially pathetic because you know this is him trying to prove he's straight. Only he has no idea how to be straight, so this is what he learned from a book. Probably the same one Tom Cruise read.
