Jan 12 2007Tara Reid has really excellent hair
Tara Reid showed up as a special guest to a cocktail party at Conrad Jupiters Magic Millions Carnival in Australia looking like she found a wig from a dumpster and threw it on. My guess is she tried styling her hair by herself after a night of drinking and passed out halfway through. And the hair magazine she was using as a guide was actually an old issue of Zoobooks.
Jan 12 2007Britney Spears picks another winner
Britney Spears showed up to the grand opening of Sideways Restaurant in Hollywood last night with her new man, Isaac Cohen, a 25-year-old "model/actor." I use the quotes, because a quick search on IMDB turned up empty, unless he's the same Isaac Cohen that served as "Miscellaneous Crew" on an episode of Project Runway. Then yeah, I guess he is an actor. But judging by this photo of him lifted off his (now deleted) MySpace, a better description would be winner. One finger up the nose and the other down the pants? With modeling skills like that it's a wonder he's not already a household name.
Jan 12 2007Paula Abdul promotes American Idol, forgets her brain
Paula Abdul appeared on Fox's Seattle affiliate trying to promote American Idol but instead reminding us of the dangers of substance abuse. Just curious, but is she ever not drunk? If you want to promote your show, how about sending somebody who doesn't speak like they just had a stroke. If you x-rayed her head you'd find a bunch of cobwebs and an IOU from God that said "One brain."
Thanks to everybody who sent this in.
Jan 12 2007Miss Nevada turns down Girls Gone Wild for Playboy
Miss Nevada Katie Rees is in talks to do a Playboy spread after losing her crown and turning down a $25,000 offer to host a Girls Gone Wild special. A friend of Rees defended her by saying:
"Donald Trump is a hypocrite. He lets one girl keep her crown who is a drug addict, but the girl who is a hot, fun party girl who enjoys other women has to be dethroned? I think her lifestyle is fun and amazing. Donald should really stop being so prejudiced against gay and lesbian people, like his fight with Rosie [O'Donnell.]"
Is Katie Rees actually a lesbian? I just thought she was making out with chicks because she was drunk. But if she's a lesbian that's a completely different story. That makes those leaked photos of her a beautiful expression of love. She's not a whore, she's a hero. Some might even say a super hero.
Jan 12 2007Britney Spears gives Jesus some competition
Britney Spears reportedly handed a homeless man $300 after being approached in her car shortly after withdrawing a large amount of cash from an ATM.
"Britney rolled down the window and handed the guy $300," says the source. "She said, 'Good luck and happy new year!' The guy almost had a heart attack." Adds the source, "Britney wants to do good - for herself and the world. That's what she's all about."
The only good Britney Spears has done for the world is perfecting the art of deep frying entire cows before dipping them in chocolate. I hear Mother Teresa was working on a similar project but gave up on the dream. Does that make Britney Spears a better person than Mother Teresa? That's for history to decide.
Jan 12 2007Angelina Jolie has beautiful arms
If I ever have kids, I'm going to show them this picture of Angelina Jolie and tell them this is what'll happen to them if they don't eat their vegetables and drink their milk. I've seen bodybuilders with less ridiculous veins. If I wasn't such a man of science I'd assume she was being invaded by some sort of parasitic blood alien. But no, the science just doesn't add up. And damnit, without science we're all just a bunch of animals. Now if you'll excuse me I have to do some experiments in my laboratory. With test tubes.
Jan 11 2007Lindsay Lohan runs down the street in her bikini
I'm sure there's a perfectly reasonable explanation as to why Lindsay Lohan was running down a Miami street in her bikini last week, but I've given up trying to understand why she does the things she does. In her mind there was probably a shark chasing her down in a go-kart. Or maybe she thought the creepy half-naked guy behind her was a chupacabra. With her mental capacity I'm just surprised she was on her feet, and not lying on her belly trying to swim down the road.
Jan 11 2007David and Victoria Beckham moving to America
David and Victoria Beckham are officially moving to Los Angeles after David signed a multi-hundred-million dollar deal with the Los Angeles Galaxy soccer team. This isn't particularly interesting, except that it means we'll be seeing a lot more of Victoria Beckham these days. Which is either really exciting or really annoying depending on your stance on Oompa Loompas.
Jan 11 2007Nicole Richie doesn't induce vomiting, brain confused
God help me, this shot of Nicole Richie bent over with Joel Madden doesn't completely disgust me. I'd describe the sensation as "dirty" but it doesn't quite capture the uncleanliness of how I'm feeling. This is like the first of a series of steps that leads to me getting aroused during funerals and then ultimately digging up corpses to masturbate to.
NOTE: Tell me I didn't just write that.
Jan 11 2007Britney Spears has some messed up nails
It's probably just nail polish, but Britney Spears' nails look chewed to the point of bleeding. I don't normally care about the tips of women's fingers, but even I have a limit. She looks like she just clawed her way out of a well or something.
A couple more of Britney Spears after the jump, but these are the only two that feature her wonderfully ladylike fingers.
Jan 10 2007Scarlett Johansson breaks up Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz
Us Weekly claims Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz split because Justin went behind Cameron's back to cast Scarlett Johansson to be in his $1 million music video even though Scarlett has a crush on him.
"Scarlett has always liked Justin. They've always had a flirtation - that's why Cameron was threatened by her." With good reason. The decision to cast the 20-year-old as the video vixen pushed Timberlake's relationship with Diaz to the breaking point, and paved the way for Johansson to move in for the kill. "She could not believe he went behind her back to put her in the video," says a Timberlake pal. "Cameron was very jealous of Scarlett." Adds the source, "they definitely got together after she did the video."
If your'e Cameron Diaz, you've got way more to worry about than Scarlett Johansson swooping in and taking your man. Like accidentally swallowing your boyfriend in your sleep. Or trying to stop Batman from thwarting your evil plans. Get it? Because she has the world's biggest mouth. High five!
Jan 10 2007Lindsay Lohan wants to kick bleeping bleeps
Linday Lohan reportedly blew up at Michelle Trachtenberg after running into her at Miami Beach's Shore Club. A source tells Star:
"Those two hate each other, and Lindsay started screaming, 'Get her the [bleep] outta here!" an "eyewitness" told the tab. "She was threatening to get physical and actually fight Michelle, saying, 'I'll kick her [bleeping] [bleep]!" Lohan reportedly left Shore Club shortly after the outburst.
I don't even care about the story, I just wanted an excuse to post these "personal" pictures of Lindsay Lohan. And of course she'd be in a bra. This is Lindsay Lohan we're talking about. I could Photoshop some penises poking in from the edges and you'd just be like, "What, only three?"
Continue Reading "Lindsay Lohan wants to kick bleeping bleeps"
Jan 10 2007Joel Madden impresses Nicole Richie with his Karate Kid impression
You know what's hot? Recreating cliche scenes from movies that were popular in the 80's. I don't know what's sadder, that Joel Madden is actually doing a Karate Kid impression or that Nicole Richie looks genuinely entertained. Although to be fair, I've seen Nicole paw at a ball of yarn for seven hours straight.
A ton more pictures of Joel Madden and Nicole Richie getting cozy on the beach after the jump, including a video of the Karate Kid impression at the bottom.
Continue Reading "Joel Madden impresses Nicole Richie with his Karate Kid impression"
Jan 10 2007Donald Trump writes Rosie O'Donnell a letter
Rosie O'Donnell allegedly blew up at Barbara Walters in the makeup room of The View Monday and accused her of lying and not defending her against Donald Trump. After hearing about the fight, Donald Trump wrote Rosie a letter saying:
Dear Rosie,
I hope you had a wonderful vacation with your wife -- you needed the rest.
An article in today's New York Post, indicates that you blew up at Barbara Walters for being a 'liar.' Actually, I don't blame you, but in fact she lied to both of us! After your maniacal and foolish rant against me two weeks ago, Barbara called me from her vacation (I did not call her) in order to apologize for your behavior. She had heard that I was going to retaliate against you and tried to talk me out of it. She very much wanted me to go on the show as soon as she got back so that she could 'patch things up' (I said no). To be exact, she said that 'working with her is like living in hell' and, more pointedly, 'Donald never get into the mud with pigs' and, 'don't worry, she won't be here for long.' Barbara knows exactly what she told me over the phone and she has to live with it. Perhaps that's why her initial statement was so mild!
In another incident, when I saw her eating at Le Cirque about two months ago and asked how 'Rosie was doing,' 'she sarcastically rolled her eyes and said 'Donald, do you have to ruin my meal.'
In any event, you have a good reason to be angry. Please give my warmest regards to Kelly!
Sincerely, Donald J. Trump
P.S. I was surprised that you let your spat with Barbara get into the newspapers, but, as I have always said and as you proved with Rosie, the magazine, you are very self destructive. You must work on this for your own good!
What a sly dog. Instead of killing her himself, Donald Trump's gonna escalate Rosie O'Donnell's fight with Barbara Walters to the point where Babs will do it for him. Smart too, because I dropped by Barbara Walters' home once and saw her punching through blocks of ice with her bare hands.
Jan 10 2007Mandy Moore dates DJ AM, God confused
I don't know why, but Mandy Moore and DJ AM (Niciole Richie's ex) are allegedly dating. They ran into each other at a New Year's Eve party in Miami and have been seeing each other since.
"It's really new. They're in the beginning stages of getting to know each other," says the source. "They're very into each other. It's very sweet."
I'm guessing Mandy Moore was molested by her uncle or some other fucked up shit, because she's got the worst taste in men allowed by law. Her previous boyfriends have included Zach Braff and Wilmer Valderrama, so I guess it was just a matter of time before she hooked up with DJ AM. This time next year she'll be dating Scott Baio, and the year after that she'll have hooked up with some vagrant she found living in a refrigerator box.
Jan 9 2007Paris Hilton pleads not guilty
Paris Hilton's attorney entered in a not guilty plea for her today to charges of misdemeanor driving under the influence. She was arrested in September when police saw her "driving erratically" and pulled her over for a sobriety test where she blew a 0.08, the minimum legal limit for California. If convicted she would face a fine, enrollment in an alcohol-rehabilitation program, and a possible license suspension since she's a first time offender.
And here's Paris Hilton's droopy boob falling out as she inspects her brand new Bentley which she dented last night. If breasts were alive, Paris Hilton's would be on life support, struggling to breathe and speak as all the other healthy breasts merrily bounced on by. If I ran into them on the street a single tear would run down my cheek as my heart broke for how pitiful they looked.
A few more shots after the jump. Just click the blurred images for the NSFW uncensored versions.
Jan 9 2007Angelina Jolie loves her adopted kids more
Angelina Jolie says she loves her adopted children differently than her biological one because they've led such hard lives and Shiloh is just a "privileged blob." She tells Elle magazine:
"I think I feel so much more for Mad and Z because they're survivors, they came through so much. Shiloh seemed so privileged from the moment she was born. I have less inclination to feel for her... I met my other kids when they were six months old, they came with personality. A newborn really is this... yes, a blob! But now she's starting to have a personality... I'm conscious that I have to make sure I don't ignore her needs just because I think the others are more vulnerable."
Guess Angelina Jolie isn't the greatest person since Mr. T after all. First there was that comment where she complained about the cost of kids and now this. And why is Brad Pitt always morphing into his girlfriends? He might as well be wearing an Angelina Jolie mask here.
Jan 9 2007Gisele Bundchen plays with balls in her bikini
She's got a nice body and all, but Gisele Bundchen is starting to look a little too much like a man than I'm comfortable with. Unlike the chick standing behind her, who I'm pretty sure was designed by God to be the ultimate sex object. They look like twin sisters, only one of them got all the good DNA and the other got all the leftovers. It's just like that movie, except Danny DeVito's character is being played by a woman in red and Arnold Schwarzenegger's character is being played by a transvestite.
A ton more of Gisele Bundchen playing with her dogs in her bikini after the jump.
EDIT: Turns out that's Leonardo DiCaprio's mom in the red. What a strange and bizarre world we live in.
Continue Reading "Gisele Bundchen plays with balls in her bikini"
Jan 9 2007Paris Hilton is a serious actress
Paris Hilton says she's getting serious about her acting and has been preparing for her role in The Hottie and the Nottie by reading "The Power of the Actor." She tells Hello! magazine:
"I'm serious about acting and I have a bunch of movies lined up. I think I can become a good actress," Hilton explained. "It's something I want to prove to myself and to other people. I feel I'm getting better and feeling more confident about what I can do as an actress."
Reading something called "The Power of the Actor" and thinking you're a substantial actress is the equivalent of making a space helmet out of cardboard and thinking you're an astronaut. It's cute she takes herself so seriously, but Paris Hilton is about as likely to become an actual actress as she is to give birth to a piano. And if I had to make a bet I'd go with the piano. She's had so many penises in there I'm sure the dimensions of her vagina would line up just right.
Jan 8 2007Keira Knightley is way too fat
I don't want to be mean, but if you're a famous actress you need to set some standards for yourself. There's gotta be a point where you look in the mirror, see this, and go, "I really need to lose some weight." I don't want to throw around the word "obese," but if she packs on any more pounds she's gonna need an intervention from Oprah. I've got a t-shirt that says "Fatties are gross" which pretty much sums up how Keira Knightley should feel about herself. It's got a picture of a cow going "Moo" and everything.
More of Keira Knightley with her boyfriend - who I'm pretty sure is a vampire - after the jump.
Jan 8 2007Britney Spears falls asleep, breaks contracts
Britney Spears might not get paid the alleged $400,000 appearance fee for her New Year's "work" at Pure in Las Vegas because they say she violated the contract by not spending enough time there.
"Britney failed to spend the agreed amount of time in the club, because she had to be helped out after collapsing," alleges a close source. The tipster also says the club is "furious" with her because of her PR spin that she merely fell asleep - implying the place is boring.
That's why you don't hire Britney Spears. For anything. Ever. I thought she could handle working at Burger King once, but at the end of the day I had twenty seven complaints from customers who had all been served shoes.
Jan 8 2007Angelina Jolie thinks she's better than Madonna
Angelina Jolie has finally spoken out about Madonna's adoption of her Malawian son, David. Angelina tells Elle U.K.:
"That's a tough one," she muses to the magazine. "I mean, I'm sure their hearts are in the right place. But the reality is, Malawi is a country...Well, it's not on our list, because there's a very limited number of countries you can adopt from."
And then in an interview with the French magazine Gala she says a little more frankly:
"Madonna knew the situation in Malawi, where he was born," she says. "It's a country where there is no real legal framework for adoption. Personally, I prefer to stay on the right side of the law. I would never take a child away from a place where adoption is illegal." When asked if the saga would put her off adopting more children of her own with boyfriend Brad Pitt, she told Gala, "I have been horrified by the attacks she's been subjected to. All that should count is the happiness of her little David." But, she added: "Brad and I want to continue to adopt, but keeping a big family uses up a lot of money."
So basically Angelina Jolie would never adopt a child from Malawi because apparently it's illegal. Way to go, Madonna, you've done it again. Although what's up with Angelina complaining about a family costing too much money? Is she afraid if she adopts another kid she won't be able to afford that diamond spaceship she's had her eye on?
Jan 8 2007Britney Spears debuts some new music, sort of
Britney Spears was spotted driving in Santa Monica over the weekend blasting her new album to drown out the paparazzi trying to talk to her. There's not much, but you can take a listen and judge for yourself. Or you can do what I do: not listen to Britney Spears and be a total stud in the sack.
Jan 8 2007Dustin Diamond might have used a stunt penis
Dustin Diamond has been claiming his leaked sex tape was a private video he made four years ago on a dare from some poker friends, even telling Dr. Keith Ablow that "We tried to stop it." But David Hans Schmidt, who brokered the deal, says he's sick of Dustin's lies and claims the video was made last summer with the direct intent to sell.
"Dustin was in on this deal from the start," Schmidt tells us. "He made this tape in a St. Louis hotel room with two girls last summer with the intention that I would sell it." Schmidt showed us what he vouches is Diamond's signature on a contract dated Aug. 27, 2006. Attached is a cover letter on which Diamond's manager, Roger Paul, appears to have scribbled, "Let's make some money!" Schmidt suspects Diamond has been doubly deceptive. "I have reason to believe that is not Dustin's [manhood] in the movie," says the agent. "You never see his face and his [manhood] in the same shot. If, in fact, he used a body double, I'm going to sue him for defrauding me, Red Light and the American public."
Of course it wasn't his real penis. I'm not sure modern technology has cameras capable of picking up objects that small. Technically it's not even considered a penis anymore, more like an enlarged vagina. I believe the medical definition is "Vanilla Tootsie Roll."
Jan 8 2007Paris Hilton doesn't understand bunny ears
Somebody should let Paris Hilton know only kids in elementary school give each other bunny ears and even they're smart enough not to do it to themselves. I know a guy who carries around a girl's picture from a magazine ad in his wallet and tries to convince people she's his girlfriend, and even he'd be too embarrassed for this. She might as well be playing a rousing game of hide-and-seek with herself.
Thanks to the foxy Ruthie for the tip.
Jan 8 2007Kate Moss is incredibly gross
If at any point in your life you thought it'd be a good idea to see Kate Moss topless you were wrong. My God, were you wrong. Click the blurred shots for the uncensored NSFW versions, but I should warn you her nipples look like they were transplanted off a goat. And I'm not a doctor but I'm pretty sure she has leprosy. Take a look at the pictures after the jump and try to explain what's going on. I had three computers working on it but they all exploded before they came up with an answer.
More of Kate Moss walking around topless in Thailand after the jump, including shots of her rear that defy medical explanation.
Jan 8 2007Mariah Carey is out of her mind
Mariah Carey tells V magazine that she keeps twenty humidifiers around her bed and that if she appears too sexy in pictures it's not her fault. She says:
"Literally I'll have twenty humidifiers around the bed. Basically it's like sleeping in a steam room. The bed is all terry-cloth, the ceiling is pitched so the water can't fall on my head, and it drips down to my side, and the TV is behind glass."
Carey, who is known for her provocative on-and-off-stage outfits, also discussed her sexy image - and blamed the media.
"I think that a lot of women are just trying to live up to the stereotypes and to the standard that's set on TV and in magazines, which is airbrushed women who weigh 3 pounds. And it's not fair. It's not easy. But everybody gets really protective of me. They're, like, 'Be less sexy.'" She said that if she overdoes the sexy look "it's not intentional - if you film my body a certain way, it's gonna look like a certain way. But honestly, I've been the same way since I was a little kid. Like, I'm just emulating whatever's on a magazine."
I suspect either Mariah Carey's maids replaced all her mirrors with life-sized posters of Cindy Crawford or she's confused the definitions of "sexy" and "obese" again. She definitely needs to be less of a lot of things but "sexy" doesn't even make the top five. Although "hungry" is probably up there. As is "looking like a plus-size model."
