Jan 5 2007Jessica Alba gives guys erections
You know, I've seen a lot of pictures of Lindsay Lohan in a bikini before but not once have they ever featured a guy with a boner in them. Usually it's just a trail of tears and vomit in the background or baby Jesus weeping in the corner.
A bunch more of Jessica Alba in her blue bikini after the jump. If you want an idea of how they'll make you feel I think this kid's expression is pretty universal.
UPDATE: I'm moving this up because I'm sure you'd rather look at Jessica Alba in a bikini all weekend as opposed to Britney Spears' wonderfully man-like face.
Jan 5 2007Britney Spears and Kevin Federline learn to share
Britney Spears and Kevin Federline have reportedly worked out a mutual custody arrangement for January where Britney will have the majority of custody while Kevin will only be allowed with his children from noon to 4:00 on Monday, Wednesday, and Friday at Britney's home. Although the judge could've easily replaced these with 4-hour head-punching sessions and the kids still would've been better off. Deciding between Britney and Kevin on who to give the children to is like deciding if they'd be better off living in the microwave or the inside of a bear's mouth.
Jan 5 2007Jessica Simpson might be a cow
Is that mean? Is that mean of me to call Jessica Simpson a cow just because she looks like she gained 80 pounds and forgot how to walk? I mean I don't want to be mean. So if that's mean just pretend I didn't even say it. Because she's not a cow. She's a person. With feelings. And emotions. And possibly hooves where her feet should be.
Thanks to the sextacular Kelly for the tip. I hear she once made Brad Pitt orgasm just by winking at him.
NOTE: Turns out she's filming an ad for Pizza Hut here, which I think really helps her case against being a cow. I mean geez, she might as well be doing a public service announcement for mayonnaise.
Jan 5 2007Britney Spears is losing it
Britney Spears was spotted coming out of Dolce in West Hollywood on Wednesday and as she walked out she was overheard repeating, "I love mysef, I love myself." Then someone shouted, "You look beautiful" to which she replied, "I love you for saying that!" And now on her official site she put up a posting saying the media is misrepresenting her. She writes:
Dear Fans,
It has been a while since I've addressed you personally here on my official website. The last couple of years have been quite a ride for me, the media has criticized my every move and printed a skewed perception of who I really am as a human being. Behind every decision I have made in my public life there always seems to be an apparent contradiction. I have come to terms with that which is why I usually don't pay much attention to it.
The last couple of years have been very enlightening for me and now that I've had the time to be "me," I've been able to sit down and think about where I want to go with myself as an entertainer with absolutely no strings attached. I am now more mature and feel like I am finally "free." I've been working so hard on this new album and I can't wait for you all to hear it and to go on tour again! I would like to exclusively tell you that I am working hard to release the new album sometime later this year, but the date is of course not certain yet. I look forward to coming back this year bigger and better than ever, and to also reaching out to my fans on a more personal level. I noticed today that one of my biggest fansites is shutting down soon and I want you all to know that I do understand all the reasons that went behind making that decision, and I am sad to see it closing. If I were you I'd be unhappy too if I had to read what I've been reading every day. But trust me, I get it. I know I've been far from perfect and the media has had a lot of fun exaggerating my every move, but I want you all to know that I love my fans so much, and I appreciate everything you have done for me, so Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!
Love,
Britney
I guess she has the right to say the media has her all wrong. She also has the right to say she's a magical fairy princess from the land of Rainbow Town but it doesn't make it so. Actions speak louder than words, so when you're photographed going out every night with your genitals hanging out and kids nowhere to be seen it's just a matter of time before people start putting the pieces together. How was she expecting this to play out? Hmm, well she's never seen with her kids. And she's partying every night. And she doesn't wear underwear anymore. By my powers of deduction she must be a caring mother of incredible character and dignity!
Jan 4 2007Lindsay Lohan going under the knife
Lindsay Lohan checked into a Los Angeles hospital today to get her appendix removed. She saw a doctor yesterday after feeling ill and was diagnosed with appendicitis. Her publicist Leslie Sloane-Zelnik confirmed the surgery, saying very plainly: "She is having her appendix removed."
I don't want to imply that bad things happen to bad people, but Hitler was a pretty bad person and now he's dead. Coincidence? Only time will tell. And don't even ask what that girl in the background is doing. I'm pretty sure even she doesn't know.
Jan 4 2007Ashlee Simpson slips her nipple
Remember Ashlee Simpson? Yeah me neither, but apparently her nipple popped out while she was beaching it up in a black bikini. This would've been a completely different post had that first name been Jessica, but at this point my only interest in Ashlee is seeing her get kicked in the face by a goat.
Click the image for the slightly NSFW version, but it's basically the least exciting nipple slip you could possibly imagine. The only way it could be any more boring would be if her breast was an actual encyclopedia.
Jan 4 2007Lindsay Lohan lives in her bikini
I don't know how many bikinis Linday Lohan owns but it's enough to never have to wear the same one twice. And I don't mean to question her taste in company but who the hell is this guy she's been hanging around recently? At first I thought it was Cousin Itt but now I suspect this is some sort of "Helping the Homeless" program. Only instead of helping them you just hang out at pools together and pretend you're highway patrol officers.
A ton more of Linday Lohan getting ready to hand out speeding tickets at the pool after the jump.
Jan 4 2007Leonardo DiCaprio "adopts" an African baby
Page Six reports Leonardo DiCaprio has adopted a South African child he met at an orphanage while filming Blood Diamond. Although instead of actually raising the child he's decided to send her a monthly support check and parent her by phone. I'm not entirely sure what that means, but they keep using the word "adopt" so I'm assuming he's actually adopted her. But the description doesn't sound like it qualifies as an adoption. Otherwise I could go around saying I've adopted the guy who works at the local 7-Eleven. Or pretty much any other person I throw my tremendous wealth at. And when I say tremendous I mean tremendous. I don't want to brag, but I drive a Toyota, ladies. Camry.
Jan 4 2007Paris Hilton gets fired
Paris Hilton has been fired as the face of Club Paris (which was named after her) because she failed to attend scheduled appearances at the location in downtown Orlando. Although instead of changing the name, the clubs will now represent the city instead of the person. Apparently trouble with Paris started two years ago when she arrived six hours late to the grand opening. The owner of the clubs says:
"She's created a circus for herself. It's all about: How has she screwed up now?"
Well that's what you get when you name a club after Paris Hilton. I mean whose idea was that? I'd make fun of them but they're probably so stupid they've already killed themselves on accident. Club Paris? Really? Was Failureville already taken? Because, I mean, the concept seems about the same.
And because it amuses me, here's a shot of Paris HIlton getting pelted in the face with an ice cube as she walked off stage after singing at Pure recently.
Jan 3 2007Kevin Federline hits on Lindsay Lohan
Just when you thought he couldn't get any more pathetic, Us Weekly reports Kevin Federline hit on Lindsay Lohan on December 22, texting "We should hang out" to her only to get rejected.
"She was totally grossed out," a Lohan pal tells Us. Says another, "She thought it was hilarious." However, Federline, didn't appreciate Lohan's "Why would I hang out with you?" reply. He fired back, calling her a "firecrotch." Says the source, "She couldn't believe he was so pathetic. She doesn't want him using her to make Britney jealous."
I thought Kevin Federline peaked out the pathetic-o-meter months ago but he's really going for the gold here. Maybe next week he can be caught rummaging through garbage for aluminum cans or taking his cousin to a high school prom. The only people who get rejected by Lindsay Lohan for sex aren't even people. They're usually just furniture, and even then it's not always a rejection.
And just cause, here's Lindsay Lohan hanging out yesterday at the South Beach Hotel pool in Miami in her bikini. A few more after the jump, but after Jessica Alba these might as well be of a 47-year-old man.
Jan 3 2007Cameron Diaz and Justin Timberlake maybe broken up
Star magazine claims Justin Timberlake and Cameron Diaz have broken up. They were last spotted together on December 16 when Cameron introduced Justin's musical performance on SNL, and the two spent Christmas apart with their respective families. Additionally, a source says Justin has been telling friends they've broken up and is seeing a "former flame, Veronica Finn."
Keep in mind this is Star reporting, so the accuracy of the story isn't exactly guaranteed. I'm pretty sure they once reported that Britney Spears was actually a baby humpback whale. They even had pie charts and a scientist to verify their findings and everything.*
*This may or may not be true. I was too busy drawing up my own pie charts to do any actual fact checking.
Jan 3 2007Jessica Alba's butt looks terrible in a bikini
Here are the rest of Jessica Alba's bikini pictures from yesterday. And to add a little mystery I used a confusing title so you couldn't tell if I was being serious or sarcastic. Go through the pictures and I'm sure you'll figure it out. Or you won't. Because maybe you're Tara Reid. Although if that's the case you wouldn't even be on the internet. You'd be in your bathroom clicking on a hair dryer wondering why your high speed connection isn't bringing you the Google.
A few more of Jessica Alba's bikini butt after the jump if you're into that sort of thing. And trust me, you are.
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Jan 3 2007Tara Reid almost knows how to count
First of all, who the fuck counts down New Years from 60? You start that shit at 10. And if you do decide to be an ass and do it from 60 then at least do it right. Don't leave out random numbers and skip from 20 to 10. And then after counting down from 10 do it all over again because you realize you left out 19 through 11. She counts down from 10 twice. Twice! Does Tara Reid's brain even function anymore? I get the feeling a mad scientist went in while she was sleeping and replaced it with a photo of a hamster running on a wheel.
Thanks to all bazillion of you who sent this in.
NOTE: Sorry for all the profanity and numbers. This post was brought to you by Angry Mathematician Man: he's angry and he's a mathematician. And yes, that guy in the video is Pedro from Napoleon Dynamite.
UPDATE: I must not have been listening closely enough the first time because there's a lot more going on than just counting down from 10 twice. Listen again and again until the madness finally consumes you.
Jan 3 2007Britney Spears gets her rehab on
The day after she 'passed out' or 'fell asleep' or whatever happened on New Year's Eve, Britney Spears reportedly checked into Sanctuary, a super posh resort and spa in Arizona, citing "exhaustion," which is usually code for rehab.
"With these celebrities, 'exhaustion' sometimes means something else and a little rest at a spa sometimes actually translates into something a little more serious," says a source. Spears' rep couldn't be reached for comment, but L&S reports that the singer's parents are urging their daughter to go into therapy. "It's just been heartbreaking for her parents to watch Britney on this downward spiral," an "insider" told the mag. "It's so sad."
It's hard to believe Britney Spears has been over working herself considering the only work she's done in the past year is lifting bags of Cheetos and/or bottles of alcohol. Although she did manage to forget to wear panties a few times. So yeah, I guess exhaustion sounds about right. It's a miracle she's still even standing. I hear that's how they punish prisoners in Russia. Hard labor to the extreme. Or should I say eXtreme for extra extremeness? To the max!
Jan 3 2007Kid Rock scares innocent families
Kid Rock apparently heard that Tommy Lee was hooking up with his ex Pamela Anderson on New Years so he went to the Hard Rock Hotel in Las Vegas with two bodyguards and kicked down his door to beat him up. Only it wasn't Tommy Lee's door. A source says:
"Kid is divorcing Pam Anderson, but he heard [her ex] Tommy was hooking up with her, and got all riled up," our source said. "So he went over at 6 a.m. with two bodyguards, and began kicking down what he thought was Tommy's door. Only it wasn't - and Kid found himself staring at some poor, startled family. He signed an autograph for them as security arrived, then bolted over to the Paradise strip club. Tommy has been calling Kid Rock and taunting him about Pam, and Kid Rock was ready to kick some serious ass," a source said. Lee's rep told us, "Tommy is aware that this incident occurred, but wasn't at the time as he was staying on another floor."
And because Kid Rock is such a level headed guy I'm sure he'll enjoy these shots of Pamela Anderson giving Pauly Shore a lapdance and licking his face. But seriously, Pauly Shore? Pamela's made some pretty poor decisions in her life, but this is the equivalent of replacing her bed with a giant alligator.
Jan 2 2007Jessica Simpson and John Mayer get it on in public
Jessica Simpson and John Mayer were spotted "full-on making out" at Christina Aguilera's New Year's Eve party at the Hudson Hotel and it's the first time they've been publicly spotted as a couple. The Daily News reports:
"He was scratching her back, they were kissing, it wasn't subtle," says a spy at the Heineken-sponsored bash. The couple dined earlier in the evening at Country, after shopping at Barneys during the day. A source tells us they are staying together at The Mercer hotel in SoHo. An insider says: "John has been thrilled that they have been tricking the media, but she doesn't really care. His Christmas present to her was a framed copy of the Us Weekly cover that says 'Dumped: John ditches Jessica.'"
I figure you'd rather see shots of Christina Aguilera at her own party than two troll creatures trying to kiss each other with their feelers so here you go. You can thank me later when you've got your hands down your pants, as opposed to the other outcome which would've had you curiously scratching your head trying to figure out how Jessica Simpson managed to capture the real life Hunchback of Notre Dame.
A few more of Christina Aguilera looking better than terrible at her Hudson Hotel New Year's Eve party after the jump.
Continue Reading "Jessica Simpson and John Mayer get it on in public"
Jan 2 2007Pete Doherty and Kate Moss get "married"
Kate Moss and Pete Doherty were unofficially married yesterday in a Buddhist ceremony while on vacation in Thailand, although her rep issued a statement denying it, saying:
"Contrary to various entirely false media reports today, there has not been any kind of marriage ceremony in Thailand. She is on holiday."
The Sun reports a Thai priest announced them man and wife as water was sprinkled over their heads and friends cheered, even though the marriage is not legally binding. The real wedding is allegedly set for January 18 with friends saying they've been asked to keep the date free but haven't been told why. I don't even care if they did get married, I'm just waiting for them to have a kid. With the amount of narcotics they've both consumed and Pete Doherty's face their kid is either going to have super powers or be a shriveled up worm creature.
Jan 2 2007Britney Spears falls asleep on New Years
Britney Spears collapsed and had to be carried out during a New Year's Eve party at Pure in Las Vegas, but her rep is playing it off like she got tired, not drunk. Her rep says:
"By about one o'clock, she was just done, so we took her out. She was not drunk. She was just tired and falling asleep. There is nothing out of the ordinary here."
About every other news agency and source reported yesterday that she passed out drunk and had to be carried out so it's just a matter of who you believe. But why would you think she passed out drunk? This is Britney Spears we're talking about. She's got two kids and is a role model for teenage girls everywhere. Passing out drunk? No, no, that'd just be irresponsible. If she wasn't forced into hosting that party I'm sure she would've spent her New Years helping burn victims or curing cancer. Or both. That's just the kind of girl she is.
Jan 2 2007Jessica Alba plays football in her bikini
There will be a day when Jessica Alba playing football in her bikini will not bring a single tear of happiness to my eye. But that day is not today. Nor is it tomorrow. Nor is it any other day where Jessica Alba looks as good as she does and the word 'bikini' hasn't been changed to mean 'a swarm of disgusting spiders.'
A gazillion more pictures of Jessica Alba at Miami beach in her bikini after the jump. And when I say gazillion I'm not even rounding. I think it's actually a gazillion.
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Dec 31 2006Happy New Year, you sexy beasts
Have a safe and happy New Year everybody. I'll probably see you Tuesday, depending on how many baby koalas I have to save. Take that, Angelina Jolie. My heart is twice as big as yours. Twice as firm too. Mmm, and supple.
