December 21, 2006
Evangeline Lilly is homeless
Evangeline Lilly's home in Kailua, Hawaii burned down yesterday morning. Her rep says:
"Yes, it is unfortunately true that her home in Hawaii burned down this morning. Thankfully, Evangeline is safe as she was on set already when it occurred. There is no official statement, and I have no further comment or information to provide at this time."
I feel her pain. I can't even tell you how many times my home has caught on fire. At first I thought it was the ligther I'm always playing with, but the fire marshal confirmed it's because I'm just way too hot.
December 20, 2006
Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson back on
Josh Hartnett and Scarlett Johansson are reportedly back on after breaking up last month.They were spotted Friday night at TriBeCa restaurant having dinner and making out.
"They had a meal and got progressively cozier as the night went on," said our spy. "Then they started to make out in full view of the restaurant at their table and didn't really care who saw."
I'm not gonna lie to you, there's only one reason why I'm posting this story. And it's because I respect Scarlett Johansson so much for her mind.
Justin Timberlake wants to give his dick in a box
If you haven't already seen it, this is the uncensored version of the Digital Short that aired on SNL over the weekend featuring Andy Samberg and Justin Timberlake. I'd comment, but I think the work speaks for itself.
Kevin Federline to fake wrestle John Cena
The always amusing Kevin Federline is scheduled to fight WWE champion John Cena New Year's Day in Miami. Earlier this fall he signed with the WWE to appear in some staged fights, and earlier this week he showed up on Monday Night Raw to promote his fight with Cena, saying:
"The real Kevin Federline never backs down from a challenge. Make all your jokes, because New Year's Day I'm the one who is going to be laughing. Oh yeah, Cena, my name is not K-Fed, it's Kevin Federline, bitch, and I want some and I'm gonna get some."
My holiday wish is that on December 31, 2006 the WWE decides their matches will be real instead of rigged. Because then on January 2, 2007 we can read about how Kevin Federline died the night before when he was bent into a human pretzel and shoved into a trash can.
Thanks to Kris for the tip, who I hear could beat up both K-Fed and John Cena with just the tip of his nose.
Eminem and Kim divorce again
Are you sitting down? You better be sitting down. Because this little piece of news is so shocking it's gonna knock you off your feet. Eminem and Kim have divorced again for the second time, less than a year after they remarried. They both agreed to divide property under a private settlement and to share custody of their 10-year old daughter Hailie.
Yeah, I know. It's shocking. But if we stick together I think we'll manage to get through this. We just gotta be strong. Maybe hold each other's trembling hands for support. Then an innocent brush of the leg. A longing look. And before you know it we're in the world's most awesome orgy. What makes it so awesome, you ask? Because in the corner, there, is a Tyrannosaurus Rex. And those bad boys are off the hook.
Britney Spears always hooks up with winners
Star magazine claims Britney Spears was messing around with J.R. Rotem before she split with Kevin Federline, and apparently Rotem is a friend of Federline and produced songs on his CD as well as Britney's upcoming album. Additionally, they suggest Britney broke off her friendship with Paris Hilton because she found out Rotem had fooled around with her while he was producing her album. A source says:
"It was nothing serious, just a few hookups. I bet a million dollars that J.R. tired to keep that a secret from Britney. Britney would probably flip out if she knew that he'd romanced Paris first."
And according to In Touch, Britney supposedly called up Federline and asked him if he saw the pictures of her making out with Rotem.
"It was really bad," an "eyewitness source" told the mag, adding that Spears also started bragging to her ex about some sex she'd had. Federline was furious, although he reportedly isn't quite sure whether he believes that she's been dating. "[Spears] just started pushing his buttons ... He started screaming at her." Spears is reportedly also taunting Federline about no longer living the lavish life they shared, but sources say that he continues to gather info on her hard partying to use in the custody battle against her.
The moral of all this is that J.R. Rotem shouldn't be allowed to produce music anymore. If you hear Kevin Federline and Paris Hilton sing and think, "Hey, this should really be on an album" then you probably shouldn't be in the music industry. Because not only are you legally deaf, but you've got the business sense of baboon in a suit.
And for no reason at all, some more shots of Britney Spears leaving a Lakers game after the jump.
Continue Reading "Britney Spears always hooks up with winners"
Sharon Stone and Christian Slater not dating
Sharon Stone's rep is denying rumors she and the 11 years younger Christian Slater are a couple despite published reports yesterday. Her rep says:
"They did 'Bobby' together and went to two of the premieres together. Nothing else."
I didn't even know Christian Slater was still alive. The reports might as well have said that Sharon Stone hooked up with Alf. Or that kid from The Wonder Years. Ya know, somebody at least sort of famous.
December 19, 2006
Miss USA cries like a little baby
I posted earlier that Miss USA Tara Conner is keeping her crown and checking into rehab, but now I have to do it again because the awesome Cristal sent in pictures of her crying during the press conference. And if you have any doubt as to how fake those tears are, check out what she had to say about Donald Trump:
"In no way did I think it would be possible for a second chance to be given to me. I've had a very big blessing bestowed on me. It truly takes someone with a wonderful heart, a heart of gold and a blessed soul."
Donald Trump has a lot of things, but a heart of gold and a blessed soul are not any of them. She probably meant to say 'personal helicopter.' And I didn't even know this, but apparently Tara's list of offenses included testing positive for cocaine, sneaking guys into her Trump Place apartment, and making out with Miss Teen USA in public. Let me repeat that last one: making out with Miss Teen USA in public. Hopefully pictures of that never surface, because I'd hate to go down in history as the first person to ever hump their computer monitor to death.
A ton more of Miss USA switching between happy and sad after the jump.
Tori Spelling is a little bit peculiar
You know what the first sign you might be losing your mind is? When you start walking your dogs in a baby stroller. Carrying them in your purse is annoying, but walking them in a stroller makes you insane. Pretty soon she'll have a can of soup in there. And when people ask why she's walking a can of soup she'll say: "Shh! He's sleeping."
A few more shots of Tori, her dogs, and her ridiculously whipped husband after the jump.
Miss USA keeps her crown
Donald Trump announced at a news conference today that the Miss USA organization is going to let Tara Conner keep her crown, despite "behavioral and personal issues" which included going to bars even though she's underage. Trump said he believed she made bad mistakes but deserves a second chance, and would undergo therapy for her problems. But the real moral of the story? You can do anything when you're pretty. Want to punch a fireman in the face? Go for it. Eat a bald eagle? Sure, why not. You've earned it.
Elizabeth Hurley has dirty hands
She might look awesome for 41, but apparently Liz Hurley is disgusting. Samaire Armstrong from the OC says she saw Hurley at Elton John's wedding use the toilet and not wash her hands. So if you ever find yourself about to make out with her try to picture the last place her hands have been. I mean really, do people still even do that? Did she rush home afterwards to send her friend a telegraph and then heat the bucket of water she uses to bathe? Or maybe she took a ride on one of her old-timey bicycles and reflected on what an exciting time it is to live in the 17th century.
Tom Cruise not making Scientology movie
Tom Cruise's rep is denying rumors he's making a Scientology movie called "The Thetan" and has cast Victoria Beckham in it. Which is too bad because I was really looking forward to two hours of mind-bending science fiction madness. I picture Star Wars, but slightly less believable.
Britney Spears is worst dog owner ever
I don't know how this is considered news, but Britney Spears has been named the world's worst dog owner according to an online vote by readers of The New York Dog and The Hollywood Dog magazines. Paris Hilton, who won last year, placed second for "treating her dogs like accessories." The editors of both magazines says:
"Britney was the overwhelming choice" for worst celebrity dog owner for 2006. "She once had three Chihuahuas ... and never left home without at least one of them on her arm. As soon as she met K-Fed and had kids they (the dogs) disappeared."
I'd defend her and say she treats her dogs like she treats her own children, but that'd mean they're already dead. And possibly half eaten.
December 18, 2006
Mary-Kate Olsen goes platinum blonde and it's really hot
Why the sudden interest in Mary-Kate Olsen? I have no fucking idea. But when you see somebody who reignites your love of zombie hookers you jump all over it. Like a lion. On small delicious creatures. Or some other analogy that features jumping on stuff. Trampolines?
Thanks to Mich for the tip. And by tip I mean nausea. Because hot damn do I have some undead prostitute nausea.
Renee Zellweger wants your spare change
Renee Zellweger showed up to the press event for Miss Potter looking like she either needs way more Botox or way less. I can't even tell anymore. I'm just surprised she wasn't wearing a potato sack as a dress and dragging around a shopping cart filled with aluminum cans. Because from the looks of things she's spent the last three months living in a dumpster.
More of Renee Zellweger looking really super attractive after the jump.
Britney Spears at it again, this time with lace
Remember when Britney Spears said she was cleaning up her act because she might have gone too far with the partying recently? Well she should've added in a big 'Psyche!' at the end, because she showed up to her mother's birthday party dressed in a completely see through lace dress. I've seen prostitutes with more self respect than this. I could understand the outfit if she was hitting up a trucker stop bathroom, but her mom's birthday? She should've just sent her a birthday card that said: "You've failed as a mother" with a picture insert of her doing it with a dog.
A couple shots of the shirt and tie she put on later to look more respectable after the jump.
Continue Reading "Britney Spears at it again, this time with lace"
Mel Gibson has secret illegitimate children
A 29-year old blonde woman is taking legal action to force Mel Gibson to take a DNA test to prove she's his secret daughter. She claims Mel knocked up her mom 30 years ago before he was famous, and now wants to prove it. She says:
"I'm not doing it for his money. I just want to meet the man I've always known was my dad - and for him to get to know his grandson. I'd love it if he recognised us as family. I'm not looking for a meal ticket. I am happy with my life."
If you read the entire account, apparently Mel picked up a 17-year old hitchiker, then persuaded her to join him in the mattress he had in the backseat of his station wagon. After a night of passionate station wagon sex, he then told her he had to get back to work at an orange juice factory and took off. No, seriously. This is what the woman who got knocked up is actually claiming. All it's missing is the part where the UFO touches down and anally probes her pet goat. Although that might come off a little unbelievable. And we can't have that.
Lindsay Lohan tries writing again, this time about strippers
Lindsay Lohan has sent out another email, this time discussing the finer points of pole dancing. She's been taking stripper classes to prepare for a role in a new movie and she writes:
Subject: They're all whores, they're all whores . . . xcept for some obviously!
So ... 3 hours of pole dancing and bruised. everywhere ... I mean we're talkin' like, UPPER AND INNER THIGH ACTION-bruised ... like a walking black-and-blue mark. I mean really though, really, I didn't know it was actually possible to have bruises in such areas of the body. Strippers dude, I tell you, I really respect the cunts now ... I'm not gonna lie to ya.
You know how you can tell Lindsay really "respects" pole dancers? The way she calls them whores and cunts. If she showed them any more respect she'd have to buy a hat and put it on just so she could take it off for them. And who the hell is she sending these emails to? Can you imagine finding this in your inbox? At first you'd be confused, then angry, then blindly yelling at your monitor to shut up.
NOTE: If you're gonna show up to an event, you might as well go as a stripper highway patrol officer. I mean, duh. What are you, stupid?
Paris Hilton is practically a nun
Paris Hilton is claiming she's still celibate, and when asked by a reporter how long it's been since she's had sex she said:
"About six or seven months, I think. I don't care. I would rather just make out and kiss someone instead of sex. I've only been in, like, two relationships and I just thought I'd like to be single. Sex is sacred. People shouldn't have sex unless they're in an exclusive relationship anyway. I'd rather not do anything. Guys want you more when you don't do it! Young girls should know that."
Six or seven months, eh? It's tough to know what that means since when Paris tries to count from 1 to 10 there's like two alphabet letters in there and the word 'piggy.' To her "six or seven months" is probably more like 4 hours. Or her answer to when people ask her what time it is.
