Dec 15 2006Natasha Lyonne turns herself in
Natasha Lyonne - the ugly chick from American Pie who threatened to sexually molest a dog - turned herself in today at a New York court. A warrant was issued for her arrest in January after she missed four court hearings on charges including "criminal mischief, harassment and trespassing after accusations she threatened to sexually molest her former neighbor's dog and ripped a mirror off the wall during a 2004 argument."
You've got a few options after threatening to sexually molest a dog. Turning yourself in isn't one of them. Getting plastic surgery and completely changing your identity is. Because at the end of the day you can either look like that and be known as Natasha Lyonne: potential dog rapist, or you can have a bushy mustache and be known as Juan Garcia: mild mannered school janitor who doesn't rape dogs.
Dec 14 2006Mary-Kate Olsen almost TOO sexy
Remember when Mary-Kate Olsen used to be cute? Yeah, me neither, because I looked at these photos and I still haven't stopped screaming. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen showed up to the Dolce and Gabbana "Art Of Elysium" event in Hollywood looking less than spectacular. Well Ashley looked decent enough, but Mary-Kate looked like she spends her nights haunting houses. And what is she, like 68 years old now? Everytime somebody comes over Ashley probably pushes her into the closet with some toys and then pretends she's an only child.
You're free to check out more of the Olsen twins after the jump, but why would you do that to yourself?
Dec 14 2006Paris Hilton snorts her desserts
Paris Hilton was spotted with some white residue in her nose yesterday after throwing down $2,600 on lunch at Nellos restaurant in New York. She was there with Brandon Davis and the two left a $250 tip after ordering Caesar Salads followed by two $1050 dishes of Kobe Steaks with white truffles. In response to the suggestion the residue might be (gasp) cocaine, Paris' rep Elliott Mintz said:
"I can tell you Paris does not use narcotics. I would imagine [it's] something like whipped cream or a sugary substance from dessert. Something that naturally might have found it's way to onto her face if she touched her nose or whatever. I'd label it a stray dessert."
He's not even trying to keep it in the realm of reality anymore is he? A stray dessert? Up her nose? He should've gone with the unicorn defense. Namely that a unicorn did it. Besides, Paris would be better off having people think she snorts cocaine than randomly picks her nose after a full day of fingering cakes.
Dec 14 2006Rosie O'Donnell apologizes for being ignorant
Rosie O'Donnell apologized on The View today for the incident last week where she mocked the Chinese language in an effort to be funny. After running the clip she said:
"This apparently was very offensive to a lot of Asian people. So I asked Judy, who's Asian and works here in our hair and makeup department. I said, 'Was it offensive to you?' And she said, 'Well, kinda. When I was a kid people did tease me by saying ching-chong.' So apparently 'ching-chong,' unbeknownst to me, is a very offensive way to make fun, quote-unquote, or mock, Asian accents. Some people have told me it's as bad as the n-word. I was like, really? I didn't know that."
O'Donnell said that her joke was "never intended to hurt anyone, and I'm sorry for those people who felt hurt or were teased on the playground," but added that in the future, "there's a good chance that I'll do something like that again ... Not on purpose."
Yeah, who would've guessed 'ching chong ching' would be offensive to Asians? Summing up the most widely spoken language in the world into two single-syllable noises? I mean c'mon, that's tough work. Like calling every Italian person I meet Luigi and asking if they "got'sa pizza" for me.
Dec 14 2006Nicole Richie has to go to jail
Turns out Nicole Richie pled no contest to a DUI four years ago and under California law if she's convicted of a DUI from Monday's arrest she must serve a mandatory jail sentence. The law requires five consecutive days in county jail as well a one year license suspension. She'd also have to attend an alcohol education program for a year and a half even though her second DUI wasn't alcohol related.
TMZ has obtained the police documents in the 2002 case. In the arrest report it reveals that Richie told cops all she had eaten that day were french fries. As for what she drank that day -- "1 shot vodka."
She blew a .12. and a .13 in two separate tests. In California, .08 is considered legally intoxicated. Richie was stopped in her Toyota Corolla after a UCLA police officer observed her blowing a red light and driving over a speed bump at more than 50 miles an hour in an area with a 15 mph speed limit. Richie flunked the field sobriety test -- her eyes were watery and bloodshot, and she could not keep her balance.
I go days on vodka and french fries all the time. I call those weekdays. And weekends? Well I call those penguin eaters. Don't ask why, unless you're prepared for a heaping bowl full of awesome.
Dec 14 2006Britney Spears and Paris Hilton break up
Britney Spears and Paris Hilton have reportedly called it quits as friends. A source close to Britney says she hasn't been seen with her "new best friend" Hilton since she made that post on her website apologizing to fans for her behavior. The source says:
"Britney has been told by her people that if she ever wants a comeback, she has to stay far away from Paris and start acting like an adult."
You'd think Britney's kids would've had something to do with her taking it easy, but turns out she's just doing it for her career. Shocking news from the mother of the century. I haven't even seen any shots of Jayden James Federline since his birth. Sure, maybe they're protecting his privacy, but I suspect she misplaced him on one of her daily mayonnaise hunts. Britney probably hasn't seen him for weeks because he's stuck somewhere in the chimney.
Dec 13 2006Nicole Richie gets really bad cramps
Nicole Richie is telling friends the reason she was on Vicodin was to treat menstruation cramps. She's allegedly upset over media reports that she's addicted to pills and insists she only "occasionally" takes Vicodin once a month at the start of her period.
Richie is also unhappy that California cops listed her weight at 85 pounds on the police report because "she's so proud of her weight gain," says the source, who adds that Richie has gained about ten pounds in the last two months and actually weighs around 95 pounds. "She doesn't know where the cops came up with 85 pounds and it's annoying to her."
The source doesn't address the marijuana, but I figure one lie per day is good enough. What kind of quack doctor would prescribe Vicodin for cramps? He'd probably take your temperature by sticking a finger up your butt and asking you to count to three.
Dec 13 2006Nicole Richie puts out
Page Six claims Joel Madden dumped Hilary Duff because she's a virgin and refused to sleep with him. And I'm not insinuating anything but now he's dating Nicole Richie and they're already serious enough that Nicole's DUI booking papers reportedly listed Joel as her "emergency contact person."
I dunno man, if given the choice between having sex with Nicole Richie or not having sex you always go with not having sex. Maybe Joel hasn't looked at her yet. That might explain things. Because then he wouldn't know he was sleeping with Gollum. I mean seriously, I'd rather have sex with a campfire than this thing.
Dec 13 2006Peter Boyle dies (1935 - 2006)
Peter Boyle, the dad on "Everybody Loves Raymond," died yesterday night at the age of 71. He had been suffering from multiple myeloma and heart disease.
Dec 13 2006Kevin Federline wants to reveal secrets
Kevin Federline is trying to write a book that would reveal "shocking details" about Britney Spears, including her "wild drinking, alleged drug use, her sexual attraction towards other women - as well as her supposed belief in time-travel." A source says:
"Kevin is either hoping a publisher will pay him big money for the book or that Britney will cough up more cash than what's in their prenup [an estimated $360,000 in spousal support plus $7 million from the sale of their Malibu, Calif., home] to keep him from spilling the beans."
Federline wants sole custody of their two children as well as a settlement of at least $20 million, reports Star, and is alleging that he can "prove that Britney is an unfit mother" by revealing her partying ways both while she was pregnant and when their babies were born.
As part of his evidence against Spears, Federline is reportedly prepared to use a video he shot - which has appeared on YouTube - in which Spears babbles incoherently.
"Kevin says he filmed it just a week before Brit filed for divorce," a source told the Star. "He told me, 'I want the world to see that Britney is an unfit parent and that she's not in her right mind.'"
The book would basically be a huge compilation of things everybody already knows. Although I would like to see Kevin Federline attempt it. It'd end up as 200 blank pages and on the first page written in crayon would be: "I spel gude."
Dec 13 2006Beyonce's boob is, uh, falling apart
Beyonce should seriously consider getting a refund from her plastic surgeon because her body is falling apart. I'm not an expert when it comes to breasts (despite my two PhDs on the subject) but I'm pretty sure they're not supposed to do whatever it is they're doing here. It's as if her left boob is dividing like a cell so she can grow a third breast out of her armpit. Which sounds pretty hot in theory, but just look at the pictures. It'd be like masturbating to photos of mold.
A few more of Beyonce and her magical deflating boob after the jump.
Dec 13 2006Naomi Campbell is a victim
Naomi Campbell tells Britain's Sky News that she thinks everybody is out to get her, and emphasizes the point by calling herself a 'target' three times in two sentences. She says:
"I just feel like I am a target. People have told me for months and years, 'You're a target' but it's only just kind of sunk in that I am a target.
It's been really like a tough year in terms of like the accusations and stuff like that. It's been very hurtful and blown out of proportion. But I can't stop getting on with my life... I can't pay too much attention to this negative stuff. I don't like to live in the negative. I like to stay in the present moment and stay positive. I have to be very careful who I'm around, what I say, who's around me. I cannot be with someone on my own any more because I don't know the agendas that people have. I've had to learn from my mistakes but I don't harbor grudges."
This is the kind of bitch who hits you with her Bentley and then asks God why she's been cursed with such terrible luck. You'd think the 178 people she beat up would be the victims, but no, not in supermodel world. In supermodel world you can punch through a crippled boy's face and turns out it's just because everybody is jealous of how pretty you are.
Dec 13 2006UPDATE: Pauly Shore gets knocked out
Pauly Shore got into a heated exchange with some hecklers during a standup gig over the weekend in Odessa, Texas. During the incident one of the men walks on stage and Pauly Shore tries to diffuse the situation by apologizing and saying, "Please, stop, stop." Then the crowd of intellectuals start shouting "Hit him!" and Mr. Cowboy figures this is time to shine. The guy is quickly escorted away by police and Pauly Shore storms off saying, "Fuck all you fuckin' white trash."
There's some NSFW language, but if you watch the clip you can really feel the intelligence emanating from the room. As if they managed to cram every member of Mensa into that little comedy club. If they all concentrated really hard they could probably lift the entire building with just the power of their minds.
Thanks to Mike for the tip, who I hear can curl a car with one arm.
UPDATE: Turns out the whole thing was staged. The Odessa Police Department says an officer "had met with Mr. Shore prior to his set, and was asked to participate in the skit. The officer stated that the skit went as designed and that Shore was not injured in the designed skit."
Dec 12 2006Tara Reid still a drunken mess, sun still bright
There was a period of about a week where I thought Tara Reid might actually turn out okay. But then this happened and I'm sure that put her right back on the sauce. She was recently spotted stumbling out of Kabaret Prophecy in London looking slightly less than sober. And from the looks of it she was caught in the middle of a truly intellectual sentence. Maybe a complex analysis of cosmic microwave background radiation as it relates to the Big Bang theory. Or maybe a dissertation on the sociopolitical impact of race relations in the workplace. I can only imagine what wonders may have emerged from her mouth. I'm sure whoever heard it had their minds opened forever. Like hearing the voice of God himself.
Dec 12 2006Jessica Simpson can't remember her lines
Just days after messing up the lyrics in her Dolly Parton tribute, Jessica Simpson is reportedly having trouble with her lines on the set of Blonde Ambition and had to get an earpiece so a crew member could read her her lines. A source on the Louisiana set says:
"After the seventh take on one shot, the director hid a microphone in her ear so a crew member could feed her lines," a source told the tab. "Everyone was embarrassed for her, but she laughed it off, saying 'I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry.'" Co-star Luke Wilson was sympathetic, reports the source, and "patted [Simpson] on the back and told her it would be okay."
But it's not okay, is it, Jessica? Soon everybody's gonna realize you never learned to read and that you didn't really attend Princeton like you've been telling everybody. And inside the fake cover of that book you're always looking at? Pictures of butterflies. Oh woe is you, Jessica. Woe is you.
Dec 12 2006Nicole Richie will persevere
ABC security cameras caught some shots of Nicole Richie as she was being questioned by CHP officers yesterday when they found her going the wrong way in the carpool lane. She admitted to taking Vicodin and smoking pot and her attorney says:
"This is a difficult time for Nicole but she is prepared to accept whatever responsibility is appropriate. She intends to continue with her career and will deal with any other issues that need to be addressed."
Yeah, I'm a little confused by his use of the word 'career' too. Does shopping and taking naps qualify as a career these days? What else does she do? I think I saw her running around in circles at the park once with her arms spread out yelling, "I'm an airplane!"
Some more security camera shots after the jump, although they're all boring and completely pointless.
Dec 12 2006Paris Hilton defends Britney Spears
Paris Hilton sent out a little bulletin on her MySpace defending Britney Spears' recent behavior and parenting skills. She writes:
I told Brit I'd write a bulletin on here to try to clear some news to at least the people who are on my list...
Lately, you've been seeing pics of me and Britney partying (blah blah) and she knows that some of her fans are very upset about what they call her "behavior" and sadly they're blaming the issue on her being friends with me. Yeah, me and Brit have become really close in the past few weeks, and we've gone out alot in the past few nights, but I never influence anything she does, and neither does anyone else.
Brit is her own person and she deals with her own things everyday. For people to call out her parenting skills on behalf of her partying ethics is appalling. Britney loves her kids to death, and I know for a fact that it truly hurts her when she sees these cruel things being written about her.
She goes home every night to her babies and partying has not come in the way of her parenting.
Anyone who has called her out on this should really be ashamed. There are thousands of mothers out there who like to go out and have a good time. But, you do not see people out there calling them "bad parents" She's young, and if she wants to go out and have some fun, let her. Just because she does these things does not mean she doesn't care about her children. For the sake of Britney and her kids, be kind.
Love,
Paris
I'm not sure if Paris Hilton is the best choice to vouch for a person's character. It's like being defended by Saddam Hussein. You'd be better off just inching away and pretending you don't even know them. Maybe making gestures behind their back while they talk. Like pointing at them with one hand and circling your finger around your ear with the other like they're crazy. That one's always a classic.
Dec 12 2006Lindsay Lohan sober for a week
Lindsay Lohan says she hasn't had a drink in seven days and has actually been attending AA for a year now. She tells People:
"I just left an AA meeting. I've been going to AA, for a year by the way. Well it's no one's business. That's why it's anonymous! I haven't had a drink in seven days. Or anything. I'm not even legal to, so why would I? I don't drink when I go to clubs. I drink with my friends at home, but there's no need to. I feel better not drinking. It's more fun. I have Red Bull.
I didn't feel bad before. I never felt bad. I just wanted to, like, find a balance. I was out too much. I was too caught up. I mean, I'm 20 years old. I was off from work, I was getting ready to start a film, and I was like going out just to get it out of my system. I was going out too much and I knew that, and I have more to live for than that. I was like, I don't want to be written about at these clubs with these people. I work, I act, I have a living. That's what I do every day. I work every single day."
Asked if she had advice for those seeking recovery from substance abuse, Lohan said, "I think, don't do it for someone else. Do it for you, 'cause if you do it for someone else you're going to relapse. It's not going to be a change. You have to really do something if you want to do it and ... if it doesn't work, you're not meant to."
So what we've seen from Lindsay so far is a years worth of AA? She might as well have been attending knitting class. In fact I'm pretty sure she was attending knitting class and just didn't know it. She probably comes home every week with some newly knitted mittens and is like, "Fighting alcoholism is tough."
Dec 12 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are better looking than you
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie walked the red carpet together for the first time at the premiere of The Good Shepherd in New York. And my God it almost makes me want to cry. They're usually covered in dirt from trying to save orphans all day and I've forgotten how good they look when they clean up. Well Angelina Jolie at least. Brad Pitt is starting to look like an old shoe. But Angelina, geezus. I suspect she's using some sort of lotion crafted out of the souls of young African children. A lotion that makes you look better than any human being should be allowed to look. And when you open the bottle a glowing gold light falls on your face and an ominous hum fills the room.
Continue Reading "Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are better looking than you"
Dec 11 2006Rosie O'Donnell still an ignorant bitch
The Asian American Journalists Association has released a statement in response to the above clip of Rosie O'Donnell on The View demonstrating her masterful command of the Chinese language. It's a mostly positive review, praising her ability to sum up an entire culture in a series of stereotypical 'chings' and 'chongs.' Plus they say she's really good looking and has the voice of an angel.
Dec 11 2006Britney Spears kisses mystery man
Britney Spears is back to her black hair and was spotted kissing some mystery guy yesterday. Although "mystery" implies I might actually want to figure out who the guy is. Which I don't. At this point Britney could be dating zombie Hitler and I couldn't care less.
UPDATE: Turns out Mr. Mystery is actually music producer Jonathan "J.R." Rotem. And in case his name wasn't proof enough that he's a tool you can check out his MySpace page for official confirmation.
Dec 11 2006UPDATE: Nicole Richie arrested for DUI
Nicole Richie was arrested for a DUI early this morning after two drivers spotted her SUV going the wrong way on the 134 Freeway in Burbank and called 911.
When the CHP responded, Richie was stopped in the carpool lane and was alone in the vehicle. When cops approached the vehicle, Richie was on her cellphone. Law enforcement officers tell TMZ Nicole Richie admitted she had taken Vicodin and smoked pot. A preliminary alcohol screening device revealed that Nicole was not under the influence of alcohol.
The booking sheet also reveals that Richie is spectacularly healthy at 5'1" and 85 lbs. She's so tiny the two drivers that saw her SUV probably couldn't even see her in the driver's seat. They must've thought it was a ghost car. Or maybe two babies driving, with one trying to steer and the other furiously working the pedals.
UPDATE: Now with 50% more mugshot.
*UPDATE: The Smoking Gun has a copy of Nicole Richie's DUI booking sheet from this morning and compared it to her booking sheet from February 2003 when she was arrested for heroin possession. Apparently in the three year span between arrests she's shrunk one inch, lost 5 lbs, and changed from white to black.
Dec 11 2006Paris Hilton and Nicky Hilton almost do it with each other
Guess what Paris and Nicky Hilton did over the weekend. If you answered "working on a unified field theory" or "donating to charity'" you'd be close. If you answered "acting like drunken whores" you'd be even closer. The Hilton sisters hit up the Playboy Mansion and decided they hadn't done enough for the incest community so they posed for these pictures. Sisterly love is sweet and all, but two more Cosmos and these shots would've been illegal in most states.
More of Paris and Nicky Hilton almost having sex with each other after the jump.
Continue Reading "Paris Hilton and Nicky Hilton almost do it with each other"
Dec 11 2006Mariah Carey afraid of being confused with porn star
Mariah Carey is trying to block porn star Mary Carey from trademarking her name because she's afraid her fans could get the two confused. A lawyer for the porn star says:
"My first thought was, does Mariah Carey realize what her lawyer is comparing her to and are they seriously concerned? Do they seriously think the fans are going to be confused?"
I can see where the confusion might come from. I mean one's a Grammy winning singer and the other, uh, has sex with men on film. Up until I read the article I didn't even know there was a difference between the two.
Dec 11 2006Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie not getting married
Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie are denying rumors they're planning to wed in Johannesburg. A rep for Brad tells Us Weekly: "It's all made up." A tabloid reported last week that they'd have a simple and elegant ceremony with African music and that guests would include Oprah Winfrey.
"Oprah would not be invited to their wedding. They are not that close," a source close to the couple says.
Wow, first Oprah gets rejected from Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes' wedding and now she can't even get herself invited to an imaginary one. Either people really don't like her or that flatulence rumor I've been spreading is starting to catch on. I mean would you want a woman at your wedding who supposedly farts with so much intensity her underwear catches on fire?
Dec 11 2006Tori Spelling's yard sale is a success
About 300 people showed up to Tori Spelling's yard sale over the weekend which resulted in traffic jams and angry neighbors when camera crews blocked the road. Included in the sale were wine glasses, paintings, lingerie, roller skates, a rubber duck, and even a plastic Starbucks mug with a smear of Tori's lipstick which sold for $25. Worst investment I've ever made? No, that honor would go to the $7,000 time machine I bought off eBay.
