Nov 30 2006Possibly no new posts until Monday
Hey guys a family emergency has come up and I have to leave the country very suddenly. I don't know if I'll have internet access so I might not be able to update for the rest of the week. If I do end up posting just ignore this, otherwise there might not be anything new until Monday. Although if something awesome happens like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan have a pistol duel then by golly I'll build my own internet network out of coconuts and post about it. Or I'll fail miserably and end up with five very unusable coconuts. Six if I'm ambitious.
Nov 29 2006Britney Spears shows her crotch again
Britney Spears seems intent on finding out what the human limit of flashing your beaver is. This is the second night in a row and the third time in one week she's been photographed without panties on. I figure she's decided to become a nudist and this is her way of transitioning everybody into it. By next week she'll lose the dress and by the week after she'll be doing naked jumping jacks down the street.
More of Britney after the jump, including a NSFW closeup of the same thing you've already seen before.
Nov 29 2006Britney Spears' boobs are out of control
If I was Britney Spears' left boob I'd try to make a break for it too. You'd be better off hitching a ride on a crashing plane than this human train wreck.
More of Britney Spears' boobs yearning for freedom after the jump.
Nov 29 2006Pamela Anderson doesn't like reading about herself
Pamela Anderson has made a plea on her official website for the press to lay off her divorce with Kid Rock because her children can read and she'd like to resolve the divorce "amicably... and with dignity." She writes:
I'm very concerned with the press on mine and Bob's divorce. I know I have people who want to defend me or people who want to defend Bob, but my children can read - and I'd like to resolve this amicably - not fueling fires - and with dignity.
Kids don't know the difference between fact and tabloid …does anybody?
Truth is Bob is great in many ways - we just don't belong together...we mutually agree. I love my children, he loves his son...we both have wonderful family and friends as support going thru this time.
I didn't know Pamela Anderson was capable of doing anything with dignity. I mean this is how she protests fur. She gets naked the way regular people wash their hands. The only way her kids could be any more embarrassed of her is if she cupped their genitals in public. And even then it'd almost be a tie with every other day.
Nov 29 2006Kevin Federline cheated on Britney Spears with a porn star
Star magazine claims Kevin Federline was having an affair with former porn star Kendra Jade a month before Britney Spears filed for divorce from him. The two met in Las Vegas in December 2005 while Britney was visiting her family in Lousiana and apparently stayed in touch to have sex.
"Kev and Kendra had sex at their friends' apartment multiple times, starting in early October," a source told the tab. "Their friend would phone Kendra and a few other girls to come hang out, and it would always end up with Kevin and Kendra heading off to the spare bedroom!" Now that K-Fed is a single guy, will he and Jade become a couple? Not likely, says the source, explaining, "They're just friends who have sex." When contacted for comment by Star, Jade said only, "I'm in a committed relationship."
Besides the fact that it's Star reporting, I find it tough to believe anybody would use Kevin Federline for sex. A human toilet maybe, even a trash can. But sex? That'd be like using Lindsay Lohan to cheat on the SAT's. Which sounds like a good plan until you find out you scored so low they've sentenced you to death.
Nov 29 2006Lindsay Lohan kicked out of the big girl's club
Looks like this harrowing saga just keeps going. Sunday evening Lindsay claimed Paris hit her with a drink at a house party, saying:
"[Paris Hilton] hit me last night for no reason, apparently, at my friend's house, and I didn't know she'd be there, and she hit me, and she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me, and it hurts, and it's not okay."
Then Monday morning she was seen with Britney and Paris outside the Beverly Hills Hotel and changed her story to:
"Paris never hit me. She's my friend. Everyone lies about everything. ... Please, stop trying to make us hate each other."
And now it's being reported that later that same day the two blew up at each other at Hyde, with Paris yelling at Lindsay:
"You're a fucking coked-out whore; don't ever say you're my friend again!"
And as Paris and Britney headed back to Paris's house after the incident, paparazzi recorded someone who sounds like Paris screaming:
"Tell that Firecrotch she's no longer welcome!"
I've run out of things to say about these three so I put up a shot of Britney and Paris looking about as close to lesbian lovers as is possible without tongue kissing.
Nov 29 2006Cameron Diaz talks about marriage, her new nose
On yesterday's Ellen, Cameron Diaz explained she's too scared of committment to marry Justin Timeberlake even though they've been dating for four years. And last night on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno she talked about her nose job, saying she got it because she couldn't breathe out of her right nostril after breaking her nose several times from surfing.
"It's not cosmetic, it's for breathing purposes," she told Leno. "They're going to go in and fix the bone so the deviated septum is no longer blocked." She insisted "you won't notice... it's not cosmetic."
What's weird is that she talks about the surgery in the future tense even though she's already gotten it. And even weirder? That the scientific community hasn't officially classified her mouth as a black hole yet.
Nov 28 2006Linsday Lohan is just plain stupid
Lindsay Lohan is upset at whoever is spreading rumors Paris Hilton hit her with a drink over the weekend. Unfortunately, that ass clown would be herself. As she was getting into a car with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears on Sunday she told paparazzi:
"Paris never hit me. She's my friend. Everyone lies about everything. ... Please, stop trying to make us hate each other."
Yet only twelve hours earlier she was telling the paparazzi:
"[Paris Hilton] hit me last night for no reason, apparently, at my friend's house, and I didn't know she'd be there, and she hit me, and she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me, and it hurts, and it's not okay."
I've known mice that are smarter than this. And I'm not talking about super genius mutant mice either. I'm talking about the stupid ones. The ones who couldn't make it through the maze and decided they'd just lie there and try to eat their own tails instead.
Nov 28 2006UPDATE: Britney Spears really wants you to see her crotch
I consider myself a reasonable person but this is just too much. Calling this a slip or an accident is like calling hardcore pornography an oops. Obviously all the pictures are super NSFW so wait til you're somewhere private before checking them out. Or don't check them out at all. The only thing you'll be missing is a monitor covered in whatever you had for breakfast. Or the first of many steps that leads to you becoming a gynecologist.
A bunch more of Britney Spears showing off her shaved vagina after the jump. And when I say showing off I mean showing off. Like the way a hooker shows off. Or a porn star. Or that creepy guy in the trenchcoat who's always hanging around the park.
UPDATE: I didn't even notice but in that first picture Paris is closing Britney's legs. You know you're this close to becoming a human condom when Paris Hilton is showing more sense than you. Usually you'd be better off taking advice from that guy who likes to take dumps in the subway.
Continue Reading "UPDATE: Britney Spears really wants you to see her crotch"
Nov 28 2006Hilary Duff is single
Hilary Duff and Joel Madden have broken up after two and half years together. Madden made an appearance at Enclave in Chicago Wednesday night and allegedly told clubgoers he and Duff had split. His band's manager confirmed the split, saying:
"I can indeed confirm that Joel is single. We are not going to elaborate on Joel's personal life but I will say they have split."
I would've assumed Joel broke things off after realizing he was dating a horse except that I know what he looks like. And you don't look like Joel Madden and break up with girls. In fact you don't look like Joel Madden and do much of anything, except maybe sit in your room and pray they make a live action Pillsbury Doughboy movie for you to star in.
Nov 28 2006Owen Wilson to propose to Kate Hudson
Rumors are spreading that Owen Wilson is getting ready to propose to Kate Hudson after he was spotted shopping for an engagement ring Friday with his mom at the Harry Winston in Dallas.
"They were looking at a huge, pear-shaped, flawless diamond engagement ring," said our witness. Though the bauble was an engagement band, a rep for Wilson said, "Owen's mother was looking for jewelry for herself."
I was gonna post some pictures of Owen Wilson but I figured you'd rather see some old shots of Kate Hudson in a bikini than a documented butt licker. Did I make the right choice? Only time - and possibly your erection - will tell.
Nov 28 2006Server issues
The server is being crushed right now by all the traffic. Either people really want to see Britney Spears' vagina or you guys have become too awesome for this server to handle. I'm guessing the former, but your t-shirt that says "I'm awesome" has me wondering. Search has been disabled to help ease the load, so hopefully you can live without that for awhile. Once the craziness dies down the server should be back to its usual functioning self, but for now you'll just have to accept my apologies for the sluggishness. I'd buy you all a cookie to make up for it but I'm poor.
Nov 28 2006Nicole Richie pisses off PETA
The fashion gurus at PETA have named Nicole Richie their worst dressed celebrity.
"This pelt-wearing party girl is all animal skin and bones," notes the animal rights group. "She's an incredible shrinking woman with the heart to match." Ashley Olsen is the runner-up. "Wearing fur does add 20 pounds," PETA says, "but if Ashley wants to fill out her frame, we suggest using a fork instead." "Desperate Housewives" star Eva Longoria also made the worst dressed list. Opines PETA: "You'd think she'd be more sympathetic to the plight of rabbits considering the way she screws around like one on Wisteria Lane."
I'm begining to think this is all just a popularity contest. I mean I walk around wearing fur coats all the time and I still can't make their stupid list. I don't even kill the animals, I just staple them to my jacket. A fresh fur coat is a stylish fur coat is what I always say.
Nov 28 2006Borat breaks up Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock
Page Six is claiming Pamela Anderson filed for divorce from Kid Rock because of his "male insecurity and major anger issues" with the last straw being when he blew up at her during a screening of Borat at Universal Studio chief Ron Meyer's Beverly Hills house two weeks ago. A friend of Pamela says:
"It was the first time Bob had seen the movie, and, well, he didn't like it." The hugely popular film shows Sasha Baron Cohen - in character as Borat Sagdiyev - falling in love with Anderson after seeing her in a "Baywatch" rerun, then driving across America in order to propose marriage to her. "Bob started screaming at Pam, saying she had humiliated herself and telling her, 'You're nothing but a whore! You're a slut! How could you do that movie?' - in front of everyone. It was very embarrassing. Pam thought he could have a sense of humor about the movie. She was in on the gag from the very beginning and loved doing the movie. And on the eve of what was supposed to be a very positive thing, he made it an awful night. Ever since that night, it has been icicles between them. Bob is just a very unhappy and angry man. Pam is very disenchanted and sad. You know, there are reasons why she never married him before. Those reasons disappeared while they were together on a boat in St. Tropez, but she knows now that they never went away. The reality is he is an insecure, angry man. Pam is just very happy to not be in the same house with so much passive-aggressive hostility in it."
If you've seen Borat you know Kid Rock is out of his mind. It's probably the least slutty thing Pamela Anderson has done since she was twelve. And getting mad at Pamela Anderson for being a slut is like getting mad at a Smurf for being blue. You don't marry a hamburger and throw a fit when you find out it's delicious.
Nov 27 2006Britney Spears auctions off her writing
On December 4, Christie's is going to auction off a page from Britney Spears' junior high school notebook featuring a "handwritten review of Rex Warner's translation of Sophocles' story Antigone, written in black ballpoint pen on either side of the page, Britney's review annotated by her teacher with corrections to her spelling and comments including ...Nice cover Organized Watch your spelling... and Write more neatly and her grade: 88; and a corresponding piece of yellow card decorated with the book's title Antigone in black felt pen."
I tried reading this but gave up after my brain started to melt. If you give it a try you'll understand. Or you won't, because your brain will have melted. I'm surprised there weren't more typos, but I was also expecting it to be written on unicorn stationary. Go figure.
Nov 27 2006Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock divorce
Pamela Anderson and Kid Rock have decided to split after less than four months of marriage. Both filed divorce papers citing "irreconcilable differences" although Pamela lists the date of separation as November 21 and Kid Rock lists the date of separation as November 26. Pamela writes on her online diary:
11/27/2006
Divorce
Yes, it's true.
Unfortunately impossible.
This is only surprising if you don't know who Pamela Anderson or Kid Rock are. Otherwise it's a wonder they made it past day six. You'd think having sex with the wrong people during the honeymoon would've been the first sign the marriage wasn't going to work.
Nov 27 2006Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Britney Spears complete unholy trinity
Last night Lindsay Lohan claimed Paris Hilton hit her in the arm with a drink while they were at a friend's house, saying:
"This is a video that Paris Hilton - and I'm saying this on tape - she hit me last night, for no reason apparently, at my friend's house and I didn't know she'd be there and she hit me; she hit me with a drink and poured it all over me and it hurts and it's not okay. And I'm sorry for everyone that thinks I'm crazy. I'm not; I'm just trying to act."
Paris Hilton's publicist Elliot Mintz denied the claim, although acknowledged that Paris and Lindsay did exchange angry words and a drink was thrown at Paris and Britney Spears. Then this morning at 5am Mintz called some photographers down to the Beverly Hills Hotel where Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, and Britney Spears were hanging out, with all of them eventually piling into Paris' car and driving off.
I'm a little rusty on the Bible but I'm pretty sure this is at least one or two signs of the apocalypse. You put these three together in a car and whatever disease crawls out will most likely end the world. It'll be a strain of STD so great and powerful it'll have claws and a face and be the size of a full grown bear.
Nov 27 2006Lindsay Lohan desperate for attention
Lindsay Lohan is reportedly pissed because while shopping at Madison over the weekend a swarm of paparazzi suddenly ditched her to chase after Britney Spears and Paris Hilton as they drove by. And to get back at them she allegedly followed them around blasting K-Fed's new album.
"All the photographers just took off running after Britney and Paris," the eyewitness tells Star. "And you could see Lindsay pop her head out of the shop and start looking around like, 'What the hell just happened?'"
But insiders tell Star that Lindsay tried to extract her own kind of revenge by driving around town and blaring Kevin Federline's CD! In fact, things really got tense when Lindsay pulled up behind Britney and Paris at Teddy's on Wednesday night and purposely cranked up the volume, making sure the pap video cameras standing outside could pick up the tune. "Then she had the nerve to come inside the club and try to hang out with Britney and Paris," our insider said. "But the duo gave her the cold shoulder until she removed herself from their VIP table."
Later in the evening, friends said Lindsay was singing Kevin's praises as an artist an actually said she thought he was so sexy, she wouldn't mind "hooking up with him," sometime. The rumor got back to Britney, who could only roll her eyes at the news. "Take him," she told the table of friends. "Tell her please, seriously, take him!"
I wish to God this is true, but keep in mind the source is Star. You'd get more accurate reporting from a crazy homeless man's diary or a Bazooka Joe comic.
Nov 27 2006Britney Spears forgets her panties
Remember when Britney Spears flashed her underwear at Teddy's on Wednesday? Well turns out that wasn't classy enough, so she decided to lose the panties this time at Hyde. She and Paris Hilton spent almost every night together over Thanksgiving weekend going clubbing, and a source who spotted them at Hyde on Friday says:
"Paris was acting like Britney's boyfriend. She opened doors for her, held her hand, and even had her arm around Britney's lower back. Britney happily accepted Paris' friendly gestures."
I can understand K-Fed driving Britney Spears off men, but Paris Hilton might not be the best choice to start off her lesbian journey. Sure it's an easy lay, but then you end up wearing neon blue sunglasses at night and forgetting that underwear has more uses than being stuffed in your mouth during sex.
Nov 27 2006Nicole Kidman might be pregnant
Nicole Kidman is reportedly expecting her first biological child in Spring with her husband Keith Urban. She was showing off her bump over the weekend and is allegedly set to make an official announcement soon. A source says:
"Miss Kidman certainly isn't hiding the changes in her body now and seems to be very comfortable with them. Any woman seeing her now up close can't help but notice she is a mum-to-be."
Just when I thought I was out of ways to emasculate Tom Cruise it turns out it was his fault he and Nicole couldn't conceive. I guess all the exercise and vitamins in the world still isn't enough to grow him some decent sperm. He might as well trade in his penis for a pink bike with tassels because 'little schoolgirl' is about as masculine as he's gonna get.
NOTE: Ignore the existence of Suri Cruise, because I don't think secretly adopting a half-Asian baby constitues being a man.
*NOTE: Also ignore that Nicole Kidman miscarried Tom Cruise's baby shorty before they divorced. I mean I did and I feel great!
